The massive eye roll refused to wait until she was out the door. At least I had my back to them! Luckily, she was able to hold back the indignant snort until she was in the hallway with the door closed behind her.
"Doddering old bastards." She grumbled under her breath. "I'd like to see how they stack up against the Mokra… or the Hirogen… or… any of them!"
She'd expected her debriefings would be more of an inquest. After all, there were several instances where her actions had been more extreme than called for. She had made multiple questionable decisions, even stretching - and sometimes breaking - the Prime Directive.
When they began the 'debrief' by asking her why she had made a Junior Ensign the primary bridge Operations officer - thereby making him part of the senior staff - her suspicions had been verified. Their easy acceptance of her logic, citing Harry's excellent marks at the Academy and his ability to remain cool under fire when they were taken by the Caretaker, threw her for a bit of a loop.
It was the length and depth of their questions about Tom that made the hairs stand on the back of her neck and put her on alert. At the time, the decision had been a no-brainer. Tom was the best pilot she had - better than Staadi, although the errant thought of Staadi's death being fortuitous still bothered her. Like Harry, Tom had also shown grace under fire, not even questioning her orders to destroy the array.
Seeing the dubious expression on some faces, she'd gone so far as to include the idea that his friendship with Harry would keep him in line. Having lost good friends by his own irresponsibility, she knew that he would never again put himself in the same position - and never hide mistakes he might make. He'd paid the price for all of that once. One look at the determination in his eyes, and she knew it would never happen again.
Next up on their agenda was her decision to make Chakotay her First Officer. As soon as the first question went out to her, she got it. Yes, this was definitely an inquest into her actions, but it was also about the Maquis and, she surmised, the rest of her non-original crew. The Doctor… the Equinox crew… Seven… even Icheb were all under fire.
She went on the offensive, offering up information on her thought processes that hadn't necessarily made it into her logs. Stressing the point that Chakotay had Command training and expert tactical skills, she used her words to essentially question the board as to why they wouldn't have placed Chakotay in that position. She also recalled in detail the conversation that she'd had with Tuvok about it, and that he had agreed with her logic. Without Tuvok there to support her assertions, she could only hope that his logs had outlined this same conversation.
As the sessions went on, she continued to highlight the positive, loyal actions of all of her crew - Starfleet, Maquis, Borg, and Holographic. She painted them as far above reproach as she could, attributing all questionable decisions and actions to herself, alone. She was winning, too. Their questions had begun to veer from the accusatory stance and moved into those simply showing the need for illumination of the things Voyager had encountered.
It was almost over - she could tell. They'd gone through everything in chronological order and they had just spent the entire day going over what happened on Quarra. That was only, what? Six months? before Admiral Janeway came bursting through the temporal rift.
Crickets, how she missed Chakotay! If he was here, he'd have taken her right out for coffee. By the time she was ordering her first refill, he would have her in stitches picturing Admiral What's-his-name trying to face down the Borg Queen.
The frustrated grumble morphed into a sigh. Even if spending time with him was a possibility during her debrief/inquest, he was tied up with Seven. The thought made her stomach churn. She'd waited to be with Chakotay for years - had nearly given in to her desires and thrown caution to the wind several times. Now - just weeks before the Admiral came swooping into her life and pointed the way to Earth - he'd walked away… tied himself to another woman… Seven.
Thankfully, the bile in her stomach stayed put, saving her from embarrassing herself in the middle of a main gallery in Starfleet Headquarters.
Still, she had no regrets about her actions with regard to her friendship with Chakotay. That illusion of objectivity applied to him most of all. Their relationship had been so close, it had to have been obvious in the various logs and reports. Sometimes it felt like a few of the board were chomping at the bit to find the slightest hint that there had been something more between them than just friends and colleagues.
Another sigh came from deep within her. Losing Chakotay to Seven was still preferable to seeing her crew dragged through a public trial and discredited, or worse, incarcerated. She could only hope that her crew understood why she'd been avoiding them.
Her trip to the transporter room passed without incident. In moments, a crackling blue haze deposited her at the front of her mother's house in Indiana. Eschewing the Starfleet temporary quarters where debriefing personnel usually stayed, she had managed to convince members of the board to allow her to stay in her childhood home.
So, instead of a laughing coffee, followed by a relaxed meal with the man she loved, she went home to Indiana each night. On some level, it was alright. Despite the fact the Gretchen Janeway had never served, the older woman was the widow of a Starfleet admiral, and had been the stepdaughter of another one. Added to all the other relatives that had also held one position or another in the organization, it added up to a literal lifetime of Starfleet experience.
It was there, at the end of long days of protecting her crew from bureaucracy, that Kathryn held her true debriefs. Curled up on the sofa, coffee in one hand and a still-warm caramel brownie in the other, she told her mother about her experiences in the Delta Quadrant. The good… the bad… the deaths… the emotional toll each experience had taken on her… Gretchen heard it all. She shared her confusion over her experience with the Nechani ritual… her fury at Ransom… the upended experience of having her mind wiped and living a completely different life - and how happy she'd been living it.
Slowly but surely, she had been regaining her equilibrium. The chance to finally go back over all those experiences and examine them through her mother's eyes was helping her to settle them in her mind once and for all.
Then it happened.
She was coming out of her meeting room after spending the day going over the quagmire of misinterpretations over Seven's conspiracy theory when she felt it. That old, familiar pull of the sixth sense she and Chakotay shared for each other. Turning towards it, she saw him a little further down the hallway, leaning against the wall outside one of the doors. He was facing her direction, staring at the floor, obviously waiting for someone.
She paused expectantly. They hadn't seen each other in weeks and, although she knew that he understood the necessity of remaining apart from each other, she expected him to pass a quick smile, or wink, or… something… in her direction - some kind of simple acknowledgement that they were still a team… still there for each other.
He didn't even look up.
The door to the meeting room opened to reveal Seven. He stood straight, smiling a broad grin, and took her hand. Tucking it into his elbow, he turned with her and headed the opposite direction down the hall. After a few meters, his arm went around Seven's waist and pulled her closer to him.
Their bond was gone.
She barely made it to the transporter room and beamed to Indiana before the tears came. That night, she sobbed on her mother's shoulder, pouring out her unrequited feelings for her former first officer. Telling her mother of all the times they had saved one another… how she'd seen his reaction to her death when that alien posing as her father tried to trap her in his matrix… the beautiful Ancient Warrior legend he'd shared with her on New Earth… his promise to stay by her side. That almost tangible 'thing' that had kept her going for seven years… gone.
The following day, she'd been strung out, barely able to keep her tongue as the board callously ripped apart her relationship with the attractive bartender in Tom's Fair Haven program. By the time she arrived home, she was almost literally vibrating with unspent adrenaline.
Then the front door had opened to reveal her sister Phoebe, who came bounding down the porch steps and pulled her into an enthusiastic hug. Obviously, their mother had decided that her elder daughter needed cheering up. Who better than the garrulous younger one?
Regardless, it worked. Phoebe's flighty antics that had once driven Kathryn crazy now brought welcome levity back into her life. Phoebe had left her partner at home with their children, so it was just the three Janeway women. After a few shots of their father's favorite Irish whiskey, hilarity ensued. Instead of Chakotay, it was Phoebe who painted the picture of the hapless admiral shaking in his boots in front of the Borg Queen.
The Sunday after the debrief was over, Phoebe's entire family showed up at their mother's house for dinner. Wrapped in the balm of her family's love, Kathryn put the past behind her and focused on looking forward into the unknown future her return to Earth promised.
She was feeling like her old self - that happy, secure-in-her-own-skin woman who had left on a quick mission to capture a terrorist. The wondrous things she had seen and experienced in the years following that fateful trip at the hands of the Caretaker came to the forefront. Those were the things she chose to remember, leaving the traumas and losses in the past where they belonged.
It was time for that new/recovered person to branch out into her own life - including actual friendships, instead of her mother and sister. They both had their own lives. It wasn't fair to make them be her sole entertainment. She took a long weekend and headed to Vermont for some skiing and fresh air - and to give herself some space to mull over the situation.
As an adult, she hadn't really had any close friends - especially ones that would have waited for her and welcomed her back with open arms. The majority of anyone she might have called 'friend' would have been in Starfleet, and could sometimes be better termed as 'comrades'. For the most part, those people had been lost in the fighting. A few were still hospitalized for severe cases of PTSD. The rest had resigned or retired and scattered to the far edges of the Federation.
For the past seven years the only actual friend she'd had was Chakotay. Everyone else was her crew and, although she'd been more friendly with them than typical captain/crew relationships, there had still been a wall that separated her from everyone. Although - as Phoebe pointed out to her just before she left - there didn't have to be a Command wall, now.
Still, she couldn't just up and dial a comm address and say 'Hey there… I know I wasn't very friendly on board, and that I haven't even spoken to you since we've been back, but do you wanna be my friend?'
Then, again, Tom might be willing to give her a chance. His understanding of the Starfleet culture was the same as hers - something Phoebe also pointed out. Being the child of an admiral certainly helped when facing the ridiculousness of those meetings. Their encounter in the hallway during the debriefs was proof of that.
Somewhere near the end of the third week, she'd caught sight of him and B'Elanna coming down the hallway toward her. Panic gripped her as she frantically searched for a place to hide. She was about to veer off into a quieter corridor when Tom caught her eyes. Holding them a vice grip, he stopped his wife from making a beeline toward her. Instead, he calmly took their new baby from B'Elanna's arms.
Hooking his arms under Miral's armpits, he playfully raised the baby above his head for a moment, then settled it into the crook of his arm. Kathryn's breath caught as he surreptitiously faced the baby in her direction, tickling Miral under the chin so she smiled and cooed.
Tears welled in her eyes. He'd made it possible for her to get a look at her namesake without causing any ripples in the illusion of Command separation. Squaring her shoulders, she continued past them, dipping her head in Captainly acknowledgement.
"Lieutenants…"
"Captain…" They nodded back, Tom barely suppressing a grin when he caught her wink.
A lightness had come into her step that day. Miral was beautiful… and healthy… and home. She'd overheard mention that Admiral Paris had been mending fences with his son. Miral now had grandparents to dote on her, spoiling her rotten then laughingly handing the part-Klingon baby back to her hapless parents. The vision had warmed her heart and reassured her that the trip home and those ridiculous debriefs were worth it.
By the time she returned from Vermont, she'd made up her mind to comm Tom and B'Elanna and try to talk her way into a visit so she could see Miral. Depending on their reactions, she would decide if she could do anything further.
Tom beat her to it.
The morning after her return, a comm message appeared on her mother's unit.
"Hey there, Kathryn." He gave her a cheesy grin. "I heard through the grapevine…"
"His dad!" B'Elanna's voice could be heard in the background.
He shot a mock look of annoyance over his shoulder, then turned back to the screen. "...that you're free to hang out these days. We're expecting you at our house tomorrow - 5:00. We'll have a barbecue - I'm pretty good with a steak over an open fire."
"And I make a fabulous coleslaw. You'll love it, Kathryn." B'Elanna's voice came from offscreen, again.
Tom smiled his most dazzling smile - the one he knew that even she found hard to resist. "Miral can't wait to see her godmother. We'll see you tomorrow!" A text message with their address popped up at the bottom of the screen.
Kathryn almost snorted a laugh. Not only were they making a point of using her name instead of her rank, they weren't giving her any kind of 'out'. Apparently I'm going to the Paris-Torres residence tomorrow.
At 4:55, Kathryn stood on the sidewalk, looking at a cottage-like house with a small front yard - although spacing between the houses also spoke to the idea of large backyards. Spring was still trying to wrest power from winter, but today was one of the days spring lost the battle. The sky was rather dreary and the air was chilly enough to warrant a coat. Despite that, she could tell that when true spring finally came, the garden would be lush and overflowing with flowers and vines. Taking a deep breath, she walked up the path and knocked on the front door of the house belonging to her former pilot and head of engineering.
Almost immediately, the door swung open to reveal Tom Paris, sarcastic grin spread across his face. "B'Elanna and I had a bet whether or not you would actually come."
Automatically, her arms crossed her chest. "And which one of you won?"
Tom's grin went bashful. "B'Elanna did. She said you were the type of person who would comm back if you were going to decline."
"Ahh… my intention was to keep you guessing." A wide grin spread across her face. "Apparently, I succeeded."
"You bet your ass, you did." B'Elanna appeared around Tom's shoulder. "It's next to impossible to win a bet with Tom. You've earned me a day's worth of diaper changes."
Inviting her in, they gave her a quick tour of the house, then settled into the living room. Despite their jolly comm and warm friendly invitation, the interactions were still a little stiff.
"It's a little drizzly and chilly out there, Tom. Are you going to make me eat your grilled steak outside as punishment for all the times I had to dress you down?" In hopes of loosening up the air around them, Kathryn did away with her usual quiet smirk and treated them to an all-out grin.
She was rewarded with Tom's signature mischievous grin. "I'm still going to grill them outside, but B'Elanna won't let me make you sit out there. I tried to teach her the concept of 'an eye for an eye', but…"
"...but I threatened him that I'd leave him alone with Miral overnight."
"Congratulations, B'Elanna. You have managed the impossible - teaching him manners. Treating a friend," she made sure she put emphasis on the word, "former captain or not, like that is a horrible idea."
Emphasis placed on the proper words served to blow a hole in the Command barrier that still laid between them. Soon, they were chatting like old friends, reminiscing about the fun times on Voyager. Kathryn was thrilled to finally have the freedom to tease them about their antics on board - and disclose how, at the time, she'd sometimes race to her ready room or quarters so no one would see her laugh.
After about an hour, Miral made herself known from the nursery. Tom stood. "That's my cue to start those steaks."
B'Elanna headed down the hallway. "Kathryn, you can keep me company while I feed Miral. Just give me a sec to change her diaper and I'll meet you in the kitchen."
"I thought that was Tom's duty."
"Oh, no. That starts at the stroke of midnight tonight and ends at midnight tomorrow."
Kathryn followed Tom into the kitchen. "Show me where Miral's food is? I can get everything set up so it's all ready when she gets here."
Hands full of steak that he'd just pulled out of stasis, he motioned with his chin. "Containers are there… juice is in stasis… highchair is in the corner." He winked at her as he headed out the door. "You can borrow my raincoat if you want. She's not exactly neat."
Her laughter followed him out the door.
She had just finished pulling everything out when B'Elanna and Miral arrived. "Ooh… look what your Aunt Kathryn did!" She held the baby out. "Here. I forgot to grab her bib."
Kathryn held the baby awkwardly. Much as she loved them, she had never been very good with them - hadn't ever been exposed, really. None of the people she'd known before Voyager had had children, and she'd missed the births of Phoebe's. There had been Naomi Wildman, of course, but she'd been busy being 'Captain' when the baby was born, and hadn't really had any meaningful contact until Naomi was older and wanting to be 'Captain's Assistant'. She had always felt that she was just more suited to deal with walking, talking children.
B'Elanna is taking forever. She glanced down at Miral to discover that the baby seemed to be studying her intensely. Miral had dark, intelligent eyes and a set of brow ridges that were slightly fainter than B'Elanna's. Immediately, Kathryn was drawn in. Those eyes were speaking to her in a way that she hadn't expected.
Suddenly, she found herself confident, enjoying the small person held in her arms. "Hello, little one. I'm very excited to meet you. Have you been good to your parents? You should, you know. They went through a lot to bring you into this safe and happy world."
"You're a natural, Kathryn." B'Elanna reappeared with the bib in hand. "Why don't you settle her into the highchair while I get a spoon."
Nervously, she placed the baby in the chair. "I don't know how this thing works, B'Elanna. What are all the straps? Where do they go?"
B'Elanna laughed loudly. "Tom… get in here! We've finally found something Kathryn doesn't know!"
Tom's head appeared around the edge of the door to find a blushing Kathryn and laughing wife. "Aww… I doubt she's ever had to work with any of that stuff. We had to learn, too. Leave her to figure it out, though. I'd think a brilliant woman like her will have it together in no time." He gave Kathryn an impish wink and went back outside.
"The straps are meant to keep her butt in the chair so she can't slide down off it or lean over and go tumbling down to the floor." B'Elanna gave her a hint at what the end result should do.
Kathryn told herself it was because she had to constantly re-settle the squirming baby, but the job took longer than she thought it would. By the time she was done, the baby had stopped squirming and begun loudly informing her just how hungry she was. B'Elanna was laughing so hard, she had tears in her eyes.
Unaccustomed to being laughed at by a member of her crew, she'd been irritated at first. Then, she realized that the whole point of this visit was to dissolve that Command wall and become actual friends. And friends didn't just laugh with each other, they sometimes laughed at each other.
It was that instant that broke the final piece of ice between them. Over dinner, she found herself sharing some of her inner thoughts about a few of the Command decisions she'd made over the years.
The decision-making process that led to rank and position appointments of Maquis and Starfleet crewmembers… how her decision to 'kill' Tuvix to regain the separate people of Neelix and Tuvok had torn her to shreds… the near-mutiny Seven had caused between her and Chakotay with that stupid conspiracy theory… even her confused feelings over leaving Quarra to return to the ship and take on the Command mantle, once again.
"Yeah… Chakotay felt really guilty about it."
"Well, you can tell him he shouldn't. It was the right thing to do. Sure, I missed the freedom I felt with Jaffen and that life, but I didn't miss Jaffen. And the person I was on Quarra was nowhere near anything like me - captain or not. After about a week, I settled back into my true self."
"You haven't talked to Chakotay? I figured he would at least stayed in touch with you."
"I haven't talked to him since we left Voyager. We couldn't spend time together during debriefings." She shrugged. "Afterward, there was no more 'Command Team', so there wasn't any need to spend time together." She gulped, not really sure she wanted the answer. "How is he?"
"We're not really sure. The Doc said Seven had asked him about 'timing for cohabitation', but that's the last that anyone has heard from either of them."
"And no one has commed them to find out?" She stared at the two in disbelief. "You're his oldest friend, B'Elanna…"
B'Elanna laughed bitterly. "All contact information for Voyagers is classified - even between us. Luckily, most of us shared at least a family member's address so we could find each other after debriefs. Neither of them did that, so they're both completely unreachable."
"How the hell did you find me, then? My assistant is an immovable wall."
Tom smirked. "We hounded her until she finally threw me a bone. When I commed her on Wednesday, she let it slip that you wouldn't be back from Indiana until next Monday."
"And Gretchen Janeway's contact information isn't classified." She shook her head at the devious tenacity of the couple.
"Exactly. Unfortunately, neither Seven nor Chakotay have a 'Gretchen Janeway' we can use to locate them."
"It seems that they have no interest in keeping contact with any of the crew." B'Elanna had tears in her eyes.
I guess at least that part of the Admiral's timeline carried over. I wonder if the rest of it will also happen. To her shame, she wasn't really sure how she felt about it.
"I really can't believe he didn't keep in touch with you. The two of you were always so close, I honestly thought…"
"Tom." B'Elanna stopped him before he could finish his sentence.
Should I reveal my true feelings? That is what friends do, isn't it? "It's alright, B'Elanna, he can say it. You thought that there was something more of, ah… romantic side to our relationship."
"And was there?" There was a gentle tone to B'Elanna's question, although she also detected the level of abject curiosity beneath it.
Kathryn stared at the other woman for a moment, then looked down at her hands. "I thought there was. He said something to me once that gave me the impression he thought there was, too." She said softly, then took a deep breath and looked up. "I guess I was wrong."
"That p'tak! Leading you on like that, then dumping you for the boobie-Borg!"
Kathryn nearly doubled over in laughter. "Boobie-Borg? How the hell did you come up with that?"
"It wasn't us." Tom laughed with her. "It was Celes!"
Jaw dropping open, she stopped mid-laugh. "Celes? Tal Celes?"
"She was really angry at Seven one day, and it just slipped out." B'Elanna was still laughing so hard, she had trouble speaking. "I had to run into my office to hide my reaction!"
"You have to admit, Kathryn, she is very ah… well endowed. When the guys got wind of what Celes said, it kinda stuck." Tom had the decency to look a little embarrassed about the misogynistic moniker.
Her anger at Seven for 'stealing' Chakotay made her think twice over her reaction. The nickname was funny, and Tom was right about Seven's… attributes. Still… how would she have reacted before the relationship with Chakotay?
B'Elanna sobered. "It was a way for us to break the tension at those times she was too much to deal with. We never said it in front of, or to her, and it wasn't an officially approved label to use. We just overlooked it - as if we hadn't heard someone use it."
"Alright… We're not a crew anymore and I no longer have an official say in your decorum. But please pass it around that it is still inappropriate, and no one should use it when in hearing distance of anyone outside of Voyagers. It will do no one any good for that to come out."
"It's kind of been an unspoken rule, but I'll make sure everyone knows that you've ordered it."
"Tom… I can't order any of you anymore. Why do you think I'm here, talking about things a captain doesn't tell her crew?"
B'Elanna laughed, again. "Kathryn, regardless of official rank, position, or level of friendship, you will always be our captain."
"And you will always be able to give an order to any of your Voyagers." Tom finished for her.
"So… if I ordered Seven to break it off with Chakotay…?"
The couple looked at each other, then back to Kathryn. "I think you might have to consider her an exception to the rule - any rule, really."
Kathryn smiled wistfully at them. "She does have trouble taking orders, doesn't she?"
B'Elanna rolled her eyes. "Thus, the boobie-Borg name."
This time, Kathryn laughed outright.
"What a perfectly beautiful day." Kathryn spoke out loud to herself. As promised to her mother, she'd taken Annie - one of the now-fully-grown puppies her beloved Molly had been about to deliver when she left on Voyager - out for a long walk. When they stopped for a water break, she found herself laying in the grass, enjoying the warm sun of late spring.
Staring up at the sky, she marveled at the beautiful blue decorated here and there with little wisps of white clouds. After so many years of bulkheads and deck plating - and a few alien skies every now and then - she couldn't get enough of the warm earthy scent of grass, the open sky, and the yellow sun that settled on the horizon to shoot stunning reds and oranges around it. There was no holodeck recreation that could ever come close to the real thing.
She had plans to visit Tom and B'Elanna tomorrow and hoped that the San Francisco weather would be just as beautiful. As expected, their garden had begun to bloom lush and colorful, and she was looking forward to sitting out back while Tom worked his magic on the grill. She'd visited them several times since that first dinner and they'd become good friends. According to B'Elanna, she had even become Miral's favorite person.
On Sunday, she had plans to spend some time with Sam and Naomi Wildman, and Harry. Sam's (now-ex) husband had been one of those family members who had moved on. Although he doted on Naomi and happily took as much time with her as he could, he was now married to an attractive K'tarian woman and had a child with her.
Reeling in the loss of the crew support she'd had on the ship, and without that of an in-house partner to share the burden of caring for Naomi, Sam had floundered for a bit. Of all people, it had been Harry who stepped in to fill the void. His support had initially been platonic, but there were whispers among the Voyagers that the relationship was becoming more romantic. Kathryn had full plans to check it out for herself.
Annie began to bark in her 'heads up, someone's coming' tone. Sitting up to check out what Annie was alerting her to, she caught what looked like a familiar figure heading up the road toward her mother's house.
"It can't be…" She stood and slapped the loose pieces of grass from her pants, then called Annie to her before the dog went shooting towards what was seen as an unfamiliar figure. Instead, she took the dog on a race back to the house.
"Ahh… Katie. You're just in time. Chakotay should be turning down the lane in a few minutes."
"You knew he was coming?"
"I invited him, dear." She gave her daughter a once-over. "You've been laying in the grass, again. Hurry up and comb out your hair while I finish the lemonade."
Why the hell did she invite him? She's more upset than I am!
After Kathryn had laid out the story of her and Chakotay's relationship, Gretchen had been furious on her daughter's behalf. When Kathryn attempted to calm her down, she'd stopped her.
"The evolution of humans into self-awareness added emotional well-being to a parent's list of things to protect their children from. There isn't a single thing you can ever say to me that will change how I feel about him."
Now she's inviting him over and making him lemonade? What the hell happened?
Her mother was waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs. "You're just in time. He's turning up the drive, now. I put the lemonade on the porch. The two of you can talk there." She gently cupped Kathryn's face. "I'll stand by whatever your decision is." Laying a simple kiss on her cheek, she motioned Kathryn to the front door. "Don't draw this out any further than it has to be."
He's nervous as hell. She could tell from the way he was trudging up the drive. Then he slowed when he saw her.
It was odd. She'd rarely seen him this way. Usually, he came at her from a position of strength. Even when he acquiesced to her ideas, it was usually because he ultimately agreed with her - not because he'd bowed down to her. There had even been a few times when he'd held to his objections. Once, she'd put him in the brig. Once, he'd ignored her orders and done what he wanted anyway.
Now… he was bowing down to her, standing at the base of the steps looking up at her like a servant to his queen. This is ridiculous. "I've never known you to shrink from a battle, Chakotay."
"This isn't a battle, Kathryn. It's an abject apology to someone I hold dear."
Abject? Hold dear? Her eyebrow rose. Was this him coming back to her, hat in hand? Still… she was angry enough that she was going to make him work for her forgiveness. Directing him to sit on one of the porch chairs, she handed him a glass. "My mother seems to think you deserve her lemonade."
He accepted the glass and drank it down slowly. The sweetness and the tart were perfectly balanced - she'd known he would love it. He'd almost reached the bottom of the glass and still hadn't said a word. She finally had to prompt him.
"I think you mentioned something about an apology. Did you plan on speaking, or were you expecting your mere presence to be enough?" There was no way she would let him get away with a dimpled smile and dip of his head - something she might have let him get away with in another place and time.
"I'd planned on speaking, Kathryn. I just can't think of the words that will make you forgive me."
"You can start with telling me what you said to my mother. One simple conversation with you and she's suddenly switched from wanting to kill you on sight, to making you her prized lemonade."
He smiled and finally looked up to meet her eyes. "I'm not sure if I can repeat it verbatim, but here goes."
She listened to his mea culpa and realized what had made her mother invite him over. Apologize for being born? What she heard, though was rather… insulting. It sounded to her as if he thought she couldn't survive without him.
"I'm a big girl, and am perfectly capable of handling myself in front of a bunch of stuffy admirals."
"I left you alone, Kathryn… broke my vow to be always at your side… to lighten your burdens…"
She eased up on him a little, assuring him that, although it might have been easier, it wouldn't have been possible. That he hadn't caught on to the fact that he'd been giving testimony along with the regular debriefing surprised her. He must have been so tied up with Seven that he lost focus. The thought was like a gut punch.
Trying her hardest not to sound egotistical while still proving to him that she had triumphed without him was difficult. When she was done, she fell silent. He still owed her an apology that didn't insult her.
"I left you, Kathryn… left our friendship - our relationship - for something that shouldn't have happened in the first place."
"And that something was…?" Come hell or high water, he was going to lay it all out for her. No generalizations… no skirting around the issue… no veiled references.
"Seven… I left you… threw away what we had… for some ridiculous, doomed attempt at a relationship with - as Sekaya says - a woman-child."
"Sekaya?" Recalling Phoebe's words to her, she couldn't stop the half-smile. "Sometimes the best kick in the butt is given by a sister, isn't it?" It's nice to hear that there's someone in the universe that can truly whip him into shape.
She nearly missed his next words. A 'quick slit of the throat'? "That's a hell of an analogy."
"It's the best I could come up with on short notice."
His description of the time he had spent with Seven was both hilarious and sad. Chakotay was a deeply spiritual and sensitive man. The closest Seven came to 'spiritual' was her holdover Borg fascination with the Omega particle. Emotionally, Seven was… detached - and always would be. The overload had happened in a holographic simulation - something the former drone could control and manipulate. As far as Kathryn was concerned, Seven would never be able to develop an instinctive and unscripted empathy toward a real person.
She couldn't help but laugh loudly at his implied attempts at using movies to 'teach' romance to a woman whose every action and thought was formulaic and based on dry, statistical research.
His head dropped and he tugged his ear. "I used to enjoy them, too."
His blush was so red, she found herself feeling sorry for him. There it is… he's breaking me down... "Oh, Chakotay. I always suspected that you were a romantic at heart."
"Why do you think I liked all that poetry you shared with me? Quite a bit of it was romantic."
She looked down so he couldn't see her eyes as she shared her small confession. "It was the only thing I could share with you, Chakotay." Her voice went soft. "I'd hoped that you understood that."
"I did, Kathryn. Then life got in the way… too much trauma… too many arguments… I lost sight of you - of me." He grasped her hand lightly. "At first, when Seven asked me to dinner, the straightforward approach was comforting. It led me back to myself."
"But away from me… from us." It was all she could do to keep her voice from wavering.
"I'd lost us somewhere in the crazy life we were living. I'm sorry… that's the deep down sorry I wanted to share with you. I'm sorry I lost us… broke us… what we had… it's irreplaceable… and I threw it away."
He'd broken the barriers she'd put around her heart. She found herself confessing that she'd distanced herself from him… that she'd gotten so angry at Voyager's situation - stranded… fighting for their lives - that she couldn't stay close to him because he would keep her in check. And that she hadn't wanted to be 'kept in check' by that point.
He squeezed her hand as he reminded her of the times he'd brought her back to herself, regardless of the state of their friendship.
Taking a deep breath, she looked up to keep the tears from falling. Part of why she'd pushed Chakotay away was because he broke her walls… made her feel the depths of emotion that she hadn't wanted to feel at the time. But she'd spent the past few months going over them… reliving them… feeling them… accepting them.
Now… he was here, doing the same thing he'd always done. Only this time the wall was the one she'd put up against him. Sealing it shut with the anger and pain his relationship with Seven had caused. Regardless of what wall it was, she had a feeling that he would always be able to do that to her.
"Quarra… it nearly broke me. Feeling that yoke of responsibility slam back down onto my shoulders all at once, instead of the slow, gradual buildup that had been happening all those years… I couldn't tell you… couldn't see the guilt I knew would be in your eyes if I did."
"So, you lied and said you were happy to be back?"
"I was happy to be back. I just…" How could she describe the way it had felt to be that other Kathryn. The one with close friends and a carefree life? How could she make him understand how completely different that other woman had been from who Kathryn Janeway truly was? A woman so driven for so long that close friends were nothing more than a distraction?
As always, he already knew that part of her. "You never talked about friends. Your family… Justin… a little bit about Mark. But never friends."
She gave a lopsided smile. "Of course you knew. You always knew everything about me - most of it without me ever having to tell you."
"You knew about me, too. You trusted me when you had no reason to. When I first came on board… when those beings in chaotic space took over my brain… on the holodeck when the Hirogen held us captive… even on Quarra, when some stranger appeared and tried to tell you that you were the captain of some ship lost thousands of light years away, you trusted me."
Unable to resist, she gave him a full-on grin. "Instincts, Chakotay. Instincts."
They laughed together and she felt the world around her brighten.
"Kathryn… can I tell you something?" He was hesitant, again.
"Please don't tell me any sordid details about you and Seven."
"There are no sordid details to tell, Kathryn. We may have shared an apartment, but we never shared a bed." He shook his head. "No… this has more to do with us, and the reason my sister tanned my hide."
She let go of his hand and sat back. "This should be good. The floor is all yours."
"I hope you think it's good - or at least you don't end up wanting to kill me."
She quirked an eyebrow and waited for him to continue. What he explained to her was fascinating. The bond she'd felt with him seemed to be part of the spiritual side of his culture. The apparent ease with which the two separate crews merged finally given reason. It was reassuring, somehow… as if they'd had permission to feel that way - something that was definitely not given by Starfleet.
But then… "You're telling me that, in the eyes of your tribe, we're married? Chakotay, the Federation will recognize that!"
"I know, Kathryn. When Sekaya arrived, she asked me where my wife was. She was expecting you to be with me when I greeted her. Until she reminded me, I hadn't even thought about it… the idea hadn't even crossed my mind. If it had, I would have made sure Sekaya understood the nature of our relationship. I would have point blank told her to not consider it a marriage."
"Instead, the way you spoke about me made her think you loved me?" Could it be…?
"Yes…"
"And did you…?" She could barely breathe. "Do you…?"
"Love you? Yes, Kathryn… with all my heart and spirit."
"Oh…" Her brain derailed as 'He loves me!' took over and spun through it like a whirling dervish.
"It's alright, Kathryn. You don't have to be in love with me. I'm content to be your friend."
"I… uh…" Her brain regained its heading. "I'm in love with you, too." She almost whispered the words that would bring him to her… bind him to her side forever.
Suddenly, his finger was under her chin, gently pulling her face up to meet his. "Did you just say you love me?"
She smiled a and gave a slight nod against his finger. "Yes."
Without further warning, he pulled her face closer to his and captured her lips in a gentle kiss. He is not getting away with just that little… Seven years of bottled-up emotions broke free as she wrapped her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss.
They were just coming up for air when she heard the front door open and her mother's footsteps. "Dinner is ready, you two. Chakotay, I've set a plate for you. No worries about the diet - it's eggplant parmesan."
"Thank you, Mrs Janeway, but I don't want to imp…"
"Oh, it's no imposition, dear. I was expecting to have you stay. And you must call me Gretchen. After all, you're family now." She grinned at him, then turned back towards the door. "Oh, and I've made up the guestroom for you two. Katie's bed is much too small."
It was Kathryn's turn to blush. "Mom!"
"It's time to stop torturing the poor man, Katie." Her mother disappeared back into the house leaving a stunned Kathryn and Chakotay behind.
"W-well, I guess you're staying." She was suddenly unsure of how he felt. "That is… if you wan… mmph" He cut her short with a kiss full of such fire that it flashed through her body.
When they ran out of air, he let go of her lips and feathered his down her neck. "I'm not going anywhere, other than a hopefully-quick dinner, then a guest bedroom with my wife."
Her breath caught as he reached that special spot behind her ear. "I am, aren't I? At least in the eyes of the tribe. We'll fix the rest later."
-fin