# 1 :: Shattered :: She had no idea how fortunate she was until she lost him / In which Palepaw learns the blessings of life aren't truly clear until they're gone.

She had found Finchpaw at dusk, just when the sun was beginning to fall away. She hadn't seen him since they had done the sun-high border patrol with their mentors. She had started a fight about something ridiculous; something Palepaw couldn't even remember. Had Finchpaw stormed out of camp after?

Heatherstar had sent a search party out when Finchpaw was nowhere to be found. That was the thing about Finchpaw. He was hot-headed, but he couldn't bear to be alone for very long. And he had never stayed away this long before.

Palepaw had gone out with Brindlesong, a middle-aged queen. She was the one to suggest heading towards the ThunderClan border. After all, Finchpaw had always liked the sound of the stream. It had calmed him in a way nothing else could. She had figured that if he were upset, he'd have gone towards the stream. Brindlesong had agreed.

Finchpaw had still been alive when they had found him. After she saw the blood caked around his throat, the first thing Palepaw had done was check his pulse.

His slow, dragging, pulse.

And it was only getting slower.

"Finchpaw," she whispered, unable to say anything else. Her throat closed. "I-"

That was when Brindlesong had taken over the situation. "Run," the tortoiseshell had ordered. "Get someone out here! Go fast!"

Palepaw hadn't hesitated.

But now Finchpaw was dead. Her identical brother was gone.

She hadn't anticipated that that would be the last time she'd ever talk to him,

She'd run back to camp as fast as she was able, hoping that somehow she would make it back fast enough to fetch a patrol.

But in the end, she hadn't been fast enough. Bitterness needled at her chest. What if, she wondered. What if I hadn't tripped over my paws? What if I had jumped over the rabbit burrow instead of gone around? What if-

"Don't play that game, Palepaw." She glanced over at the source of the voice. Jaycloud had appeared seemingly out of nowhere. The old medicine cat gazed at her, his pale blue eyes sympathetic. "You know there's no good in wondering."

She didn't look at him. "I can't help it," she said flatly. "If I had done something different-"

"You're doing it again." Jaycloud blinked at her, shifting his paws. "There was nothing you could have done better, Palepaw."

She was numb, her paws cold from the frigid water of the ThunderClan border stream. Palepaw didn't shiver. She could barely feel the thump of her heart in her chest.

Maybe they won't say so, she thought, but it was my fault, and now Finchpaw's gone. They say he died from a murder wound on his neck, and maybe that's why all that blood was there...but I could have gotten back to camp first. I could have gotten help for him; wasn't there a way to save him?

Her brother's cold, stiff corpse lying in front of her did nothing to ease her guilt.

She didn't know how long she stayed still, her eyes glued to Finchpaw's body. Maybe she was trying to memorize his features once again, though they had all the same ones, or maybe she was just trying to imagine this thing as someone she used to spend most of her time with.

That night, she sat the vigil, silent as she bowed her head. And up above, she thought she saw one star shining brighter than any of the others.

StarClan is a bunch of fools. I need Finchpaw more than they do. But she was quiet all throughout the vigil and the burial. Her dreams after were full of Finchpaw; both good and bad memories. She hated it.

o - ~ - o

She had been lying in her nest for days now, her mind blank and full at the same time. What was the point of anything without Finchpaw? They had done everything together . . . and was her head rambling on again?

Jaycloud's voice pulled her out of her thoughts. "Okay, Palepaw," he said suddenly. "You've been here for days now. It's time to get up. I need to show you something."

She didn't move. "Why?" Her voice was gravelly from being unused. "Can't I just die here and join Finchpaw and Dapplestrike and Swiftbird?"

"No," said Jaycloud, his eyes narrowed. "We don't have enough herbs to coat your dead body."

She was fairly certain that was a lie. She thought Jaycloud had gone herb-gathering yesterday. But she'd play his little game, if that was what he wanted.

Palepaw pulled herself up, surprised at how weak her legs felt. The medicine cat led her to his nest, where he gently pulled out a long, banded feather from the heather weave. Then he turned to take some thyme out of his stores. "For you."

"Why do you have a feather." Her voice came out flatter than she had anticipated.

"Because," he said, "like you, I lost a sibling when I was younger. And like you, I blamed myself."

"I thought your only sibling was Mothflame," she mumbled, lapping up the thyme leaves.

He shook his head. "No. Her name was Paleblaze."

Palepaw's ear flicked in dim realization. "She's the one who I was named after."

"Yes, she was. She was taken by a hawk, protecting your mother when she was a kit."

"Is that-"

"A feather from the hawk, yes." Jaycloud nodded. "I killed the hawk, and I kept one of its feathers as a reminder, that I was equal now." He paused. "That was also when I realized how I despised bloodshed and killing. I became a medicine cat after."

Palepaw nodded. "I think-" She hesitated. "Was he really killed by another cat?"

Jaycloud understood.

"I believe so, yes." His blue gaze met her amber. "Don't go after that cat, okay? Finchpaw was a strong fighter. If he got taken down easily, that cat is extremely skilled and strong."

She nodded again. "Okay." Her voice trembled. Then, quietly, she murmured, "Thank you for telling me this."

o - ~ - o

She appeared in a sunlit meadow, lusher than she had ever seen before. Where was she? This wasn't anywhere in WindClan she had been, surely.

Then she saw Finchpaw. He looked healthier than she had ever seen him; with glossy fur and strong muscles rippling beneath his pelt. It made her aware of just how thin she was.

"Palepaw," he said, dipping his head.

"Finchpaw."

"It's Finchfire now, actually," her brother said. "StarClan gave me my warrior name when I came here."

She was silent. What was there to say?

"Listen," said Finchpaw—Finchfire. "It's not your fault, okay?" He held her gaze, amber eyes burning. "Don't blame yourself."

"But-" she started. She felt her throat close up. Finchfire shook his head. "Okay," she breathed.

"Do what your heart tells you to," he whispered. "And—Palepaw? Take care of yourself, okay?"

She blinked, and then he was gone. She stood there, just thinking.

And then she just knew.

It's not my place to take vengeance, she thought, but I can help those who do.

o - ~ - o

"Are you sure you really want to do this?" Jaycloud's voice was low, and she knew he would not be angry if she changed her mind.

But Palepaw had already made her choice, and she planned to follow through with it.

"I will become a medicine cat," she said, voice steely. "If nothing else," she added, "at least I can make up for losing him."

And maybe, a little voice in her head whispered, maybe you won't be so shattered next time . . .