Title: Falling Inside The Black
Author: Yoshimara(slavetosuicide)
Rating: M
Pairing: IchigoxHollowIchigo
Warning(s): Songfic, shounen-ai, angst, language
Disclaimer: Tite Kubo owns Bleach and Skillet owns the lyrics. Yoshimara(slavetosuicide) owns the plot and all OCs (characters, places, etc.)
Summary: Depressed after Renji leaves him, Ichigo turns to comfort from within...
A/N: 04/29/09 Edited for grammar and spelling.
"Why?"
It was the only thing Kurosaki Ichigo, substitute shinigami, could think of as he looked at his lover who sat perched on his windowsill. Abarai Renji, with his bright red hair and his white bandanna, gave the teen a look of unhappiness as he sighed softly, "It's not fair to ya—to us. We're too far apart—."
"There's someone else, isn't there?" the orange-haired boy interrupted. "That's why—you haven't been around as much, claiming Byakuya needed ya for the division." His normal scowl darkened to that of anger and pain when the words left his lips before he turned away.
Tonight I'm so alone
This sorrow takes ahold
"Just go, Renji." His tone was tight as he fought the emotions from surfacing. Silence filled the room before he heard the faint click from his window, the only sign that his company had left. Tears clouded his vision and it felt as if his world was spiraling out of control.
Don't leave me here so cold
Never want to be so cold
He didn't even know what he was doing anymore. His gaze fell onto his bedside table where his shinigami badge rested. Without much thought he snatched it up and slammed it to his chest harshly, not paying any mind to the dull pain as he stepped into his spirit form with Zangetsu's weight pressing against him.
Looking behind him, he watched his body fall onto his bed. Standing in the midst of his silent bedroom, he remembered the many nights of heated caresses and whispered confessions from naked tanned skin. Scowl deepening, he took off after opening his window. He couldn't stay there, not in a place with so much painful history. As he moved from rooftop to rooftop, Ichigo swore he could feel his ex-lover's touch crawling all over him.
It left a foul taste in his mouth.
Your touch used to be so kind
Your touch used to give me life
He didn't know where he was going, but he didn't exactly care. He found himself by the river where his troubles began. Landing neatly in the grass, he fell on his backside after setting Zangetsu off to the side. Pulling his knees up to his chest, Ichigo rested his chin over his folded arms, golden eyes peering at the reflection of the moon on the water.
I've waited all this time
I've wasted so much time
Images of his mother's fate, Orihime's capture, the fallen shinigami by his hand, and the look in Rukia's eyes when she left him to die filled his mind which only served to make Renji's words sting that much worse. 'This isn't workin', Strawberry. I'm so sorry.' That's what he said, wasn't it?
His chest ached as tears filled his eyes again. He remembered when his and Renji's secret relationship started. Almost before they decided to go after Orihime, they shared a kiss in the moonlight of his bedroom. Closing his eyes tightly, he shook his head, trying to rid himself of the images and deny the hurt inside.
Don't leave me alone
'Cause I barely see at all
Don't leave me alone
When Ichigo opened his eyes, he realized he wasn't in Karakura anymore. The azure tinted horizontal buildings were everywhere and he gave a huff of annoyance; especially when he began to feel a harsh rain beginning to soak his clothes. 'Now what?' he thought scornfully as he gazed around.
Standing to his left was his "twin" giving him a hardened glare mixed with a mirthless smirk. His stark white hair was beginning to flatten against his head and his pure white clothing had begun to stick to his albino flesh. Dread filled the teen and he looked away. "Not in the mood," he said with weariness in his tone.
I'm...
"Aw, ya miss yer fukutaicho lover, aibou?" the hollow asked mockingly and it caused the rain to pelt harder. Silence stretched out between the two before Ichigo spoke up in a tired voice, "What did I do to deserve this shit?" his darker half just peered at him before sitting beside him.
Neither said anything to one another as the time passed and the rain kept getting harder and thicker. Finally, the pale one spoke up, "Ya know, shit wouldn't get screwed up so much if ya didn't open yourself to it." Silence was the retort which caused the white-haired twin to frown. Ichigo stared at nothing in particular while musing what his horse said. Perhaps he did leave an opening for it, but didn't always putting his life on the line nullify that?
Falling in the black
Slipping through the cracks
Falling to the depths, can I ever go back?
Slowly, his dead amber gaze lifted to see his inner hollow was staring at him curiously. Those bright yellow eyes stared back at him before widening in surprise. "Oi, Aibou! What's with the look?" The horse's voice wavered slightly when he spoke. But Ichigo wasn't really paying attention as he rose to his feet, changing his gaze to look at the almost black sky above him.
In the depths of the surreal cloud cover, the teen remembered the rainy night when he first met the red-haired fukutaicho. With each passing memory his heart sank further into his chest. A flash of lightening rumbled overhead but it went unnoticed.
Dreaming of the way it used to be
Can you hear me?
'Why didn't I just listen to him?' Ichigo thought, the tears that fell caused his head to ache. Slowly, the teen wrapped himself up with his arms and bowed his head. Wind began to pick up and it ruffled his hair harshly, stinging his cold and wet flesh.
"Horse," he said quietly, "what would you do if I gave you permanent reign of my body?" Lifting his head so he got to hear the answer better, he waited. The pain inside him began to fade as he thought of what would happen if his horse agreed. Everyone he knew and loved would be in danger, but for some reason it didn't bother him.
Falling in the black
Slipping through the cracks
Falling to the depths, can I ever go back?
"No," was the simple reply and it made Ichigo turn his head to look at his counterpart. Blinking a few times, he found he was actually disappointed with this answer. Letting his eyes fall to the floor, his grip on himself tightened. "Why not? It's what you want."
"It's no fun if ya just roll over an' take it like a pussy," was the explanation he received as the hollow walked up to him so they were standing almost having their shoulders touching. "What if I said I didn't care anymore?" Ichigo asked rhetorically, despite it having it's truths.
Falling inside the black
Falling inside
Falling inside the black
"Course ya still care, aibou, otherwise ya wouldn'ta asked!" came the reply and before Ichigo knew it, he was on his back looking up into a pair of obsidian and gold eyes. "Snap outta this, aibou. Ya need ta get over that pineapple freak. Wasn't good enough fer ya anyways." the twins' voice was soft, despite the warped edge it earned.
Chocolate eyes stared unseeing as flashes of that earth-shattering smile, those dark shining eyes ran through his mind. The rain pattered unnoticed onto his face, mixing with the tears that slid down the sides of his head, "Oi, aibou, ya need ta let go."
You were my source of strength
I've traded everything
How could he? His first kiss, his first touch, his first love—everything belonged to that fukutaicho. Ichigo wasn't one to ever give up, even after his final breath he'd struggle to victory. With his friends and lover at his side, he wouldn't ever fail. But, how could he fight this?
The feeling of eyes made the substitute shinigami turn his dull gaze to the side. A shadowed figure with a long billowing robe stood but a few paces away. Faint recognition flashed in Ichigo's eyes before they dulled once more. "Ossan," he uttered faintly, "I'm pretty pathetic, huh?" Letting his gaze looked back towards his twin, he whispered, "'M amazed you could face me."
That I love for this one thing
Stranded in the offering
"Ichigo," the figure's voice boomed over the thrum of the rain, "you know that you can't stay like this." Even hearing those words made his chest ache. Why did they care so much when the man that warmed his bed left him in the dust? Another crack of thunder licked the sky before the next sentence boomed into the rain.
"Relief is closer than you think." Closer? Ichigo blinked dazedly before staring at the sky over the head of soaked white hair. The clouds that loomed overhead were angry and spiteful. Did he really want release? Did the teen desperately yearn for such relief that he would try to figure it all out?
"What makes you think it's what I want, Ossan?"
Don't leave me here like this
Can't hear me scream from the abyss
Fingers played over his cheeks, colder than snow, wiping his taut cheeks of tears and rain. Ichigo looked towards his twin once more, dull eyes almost unseenig of that ghostly flesh. A frown spread across the hollow's face at the expression. "Aibou, c'mon." A faint sentence as arms helped him into a sitting position.
"Ya can't let that bastard ruin everything! Ya can't give up, aibou. He wasn't worthy, din't deserve what ya gave him." The words fell on deaf ears as Ichigo remembered that embrace he loved so much. 'Why can't this be a dream?' he thought as his heart ached with each beat it gave. He'd be more than willing to give his soul to be back with Renji, even his heart agreed.
And now I wish for you, my desire!
"Ichigo," that voice said again, vibrating in his entire being, "you have to stay out of the darkness." Cold but firm arms wrapped around his shoulders, but he didn't pay them any mind. "I just get left behind, Ossan. My light is gone."
"Only because you keep dropping it. But someone else has picked up your light, so you don't have to carry the burden." Ichigo lifted his gaze to the pale clothed shoulder in front of him. Realization dawned on the teen; his hollow had him in a gentle embrace.
Don't leave me alone
'Cause I barely see at all
"Aibou," that watery voice whispered in his ear, "why do ya keep facin' this alone?" That grip he had on the teen tightened faintly, "Let me take it away, aye?" The ache in Ichigo's chest began to dull and for a minute, the teen was stunned.
"It's been right in front of you the whole time, Ichigo." Zangetsu's voice carried again, "How long do you plan on ignoring it?"
Don't leave me alone
Slow breathing played upon Ichigo's neck as he mulled this over in his mind. "In front of me?" he uttered, eyes looking towards the sky. The rain pelted his skin as the tears kept falling in attempts to cleanse him.
I'm...
"I loved him. He was the only one who got me," he said quietly, his twin stiffening at his statement. "Other than my mother, he was the one who calmed my fears."
Hitching his breath, he felt the stillness his hollow possessed around him. "Without him, I'm alone." Closing his golden dead eyes, Ichigo hung his head, "Just let me go."
Falling in the black
Slipping through the cracks
Falling to the depths, can I ever go back?
"Urusai," Ichigo blinked out of his reverie to feel his twin shuddering against him. His hollow pulled away from him to look into his eyes. "Don'tcha see? Yer not alone anymore. Ya never were!" His warbled tone was pleading, his black and gold eyes glaring into his own. What was he talking about?
About to voice the question, those cold pale fingers slid over his mouth to keep him from speaking. "Aibou. Who was there when ya went to go save Rukia? Who helped ya press on when those Bounts, or whatever, showed up? Who the hell kept ya together when the red-head bubble girl got taken? Huh?"
Dreaming of the way it used to be
Can you hear me?
Ichigo's eyes widened as he heard those queries circulate. Memories played in front of him; his head-on fight with Byakuya, his encounter with Jin, and the fight with Grimmjow.
Falling in the black
Slipping through the cracks
Falling to the depths, can I ever go back?
'Of course,' the teen thought, his gaze reflecting that of a surprised child, 'all those times.'
Falling to the black...
Every time he went into battle, hellbent on an objective so close to his heart he'd just plow through. Ichigo could always feel that reassuring presence in the back of his mind with each swing of his zanpakuto. 'It was right there.'
Slipping through the cracks...
"Do you see now, Ichigo?" Zangetsu questioned, bringing him out of his thoughts. Looking towards his twin again, his eyes shined slightly as the heavy rain began to let up. Slowly, he lifted one soaked hand to lay on his twin's shoulder.
"Gomen, I didn't see it." he said, placing his forehead against his hollow's. The flesh beneath his was cold and wet sending a shiver down his spine. "I was so stupid..." his voice trailed off as he shuddered again at the chill around him. His chocolate gaze peered into those golden and ebon eyes that held so much malice and hatred, but to his surprise they were warm and caring.
Falling in the black
Slipping through the cracks
Falling to the depths, can I ever go back?
"Took ya long enough, aibou." that voice quipped faintly in it's distorted way. Regret flashed in Ichigo's eyes as he pressed his lips roughly against his twins', the only way he could think of giving his apologies. A muffled moan was the only response he received, but he didn't care.
He was a wounded boy in need of mending and the hollow in front of him was willing to bandage his heart. 'Even with an ulterior motive,' he thought as those cold lips moved against his, 'I'll give him what he wants.' Pulling away from that mouth was a bit of a struggle for the teen, but he succeeded.
"Oi, horse," he said quietly in an attempt to get those eyes to focus on him. When they did, Ichigo slowly rose to his feet, glad to feel that the rain had stopped. A smile graced his features before returning his attention to his twin, "I just thought of somethin'."
Dreaming of the way it used to be
Can you hear me?
"Wassat?"
Falling in the black
Slipping through the cracks
Falling to the depths, can I ever go back?
"How about Shirosaki? For a name."
Falling inside the black
Falling inside
Falling inside the black
A wicked by pleased grin was all he got in response.