As All My Hope Dies.
WARNINGS: Suicide. Mentions Of Yaoi Parings. Two Swear Words.
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII. I think I would have to be a much better writer to have that honour.
I don't actually believe this is very well written, and there are probably hundreds of mistakes since I have been writing since 7pm and it is now 12 pm and I've proof read it myself. No flames please. It's my birthday tomorrow! (Meaning Monday)
Okay! So I've fixed some of the mistakes I saw now that I'm awake. (I took the fact that I couldn't spell my own username as a sign that I was really tired.) If you see any more errors, don't be afraid to tell me!
Enjoy
Cloud Strife had been so fucking happy.
He'd had the perfect boyfriend, who thought he was beautiful and told him he loved him every day. He'd had friends who would take a bullet for him and loved to see him smile. He'd had plans for the future and hopes and ambitions and he was looking forward to so much.
But now, as he sat here and watched the thin streams of blood run down his arms… none of that mattered.
Because now he didn't have anything.
He was alone.
It was odd how empty his head was, how hollow his voice sounded and how lost his eyes were. At least, that's what he thought as he looked into one of the shards of broken mirror laying on his bedroom floor. Maybe Sephiroth had finally realised that, and that was why he left. Maybe it was because he finally realised that Cloud could never possibly be good enough for him. Maybe it was because of his stupid hair, or his pale skin, or his lost, empty, emotionless eyes.
But were his eyes always like this? Or was this just after Sephiroth leaving?
It was hard to tell when one period of his life ended and the other began.
It was so obvious now he thought about it; Sephiroth had been drifting further away from him for weeks, and he had always been powerless to stop him. He's always been so inadequate anyway; if Sephiroth didn't want him he had no chance.
But there was a point when Sephiroth wanted him, that time so, so long ago. When Cloud had been so deliriously happy. He could see the evidence of that now, as he looked at the pictures scattered across the bloodstained floor, his silver haired lover and himself smiling in everyone.
Why was it that those smiles seemed so far away now, when he couldn't even bring his lips to twitch upwards at the memory?
Sephiroth still smiled, with his new boyfriends.
Genesis… and Zack… and Angeal.
His old friends.
And he was glad, that Sephiroth was happy and smiling, because he loved him, even though he didn't know what had caused him to be so roughly pushed from the group.
But he missed smiling and he missed Sephiroth and he missed not feeling like a knife was his only friend… he was kidding himself.
His blood looked so pretty on the frozen black and white memories, anyway.
Would Sephiroth think he was beautiful again now, with the pretty red dripping down his arms?
Is he good enough yet?
Was he ever good enough? Were all those times that Sephiroth looked him in the eyes and told him he loved him a lie? Were all those kisses and touches and chats and cuddles and suggestive looks just a joke? But in the end Cloud didn't care what they were. He would happily take being lied too and turned into a joke to this, this utter agony, this aching hole in his chest that screamed for the drug of a love that Sephiroth had given it.
That was very fitting actually. That Sephiroth's love was a drug to Cloud, because he was addicted to the silver haired man and he was suffering from a withdrawal that no one should be forced through.
And the awful truth was that Cloud's Sephiroth was gone, and Cloud missed him so, so much.
But 'missing him' didn't seem good enough.
In French, you don't really say 'I miss you.' You say 'tu me manques' which is closer to 'you are missing from me' Cloud liked that, he thought it fit much better. Sephiroth was a part of him, he was essential to his being, he was like a limb or an organ or blood, and he could not function without him.
Was that why it was so hard?
As he sat there on his bedroom floor, blood dripping from inch long cuts and a blank expression on his face that didn't even begin to give away his inner turmoil, Cloud found it increasingly hard to reassure himself that cutting that last long line around his throat was not the thing to do.
But in his situation when all you want is a list of things to remind yourself to love life, Cloud's list was a crumpled, ripped but definitely plain piece of paper crumpled up in the bottom of his empty mind, the name Sephiroth just a reminder of a mark at the top, nothing more than an indent on a piece of paper after the writing had been rubbed out.
Falling gracelessly onto his side, Cloud found himself directly in front of his favourite photo. Sephiroth had surprised him with a trip to Wutai, the year before last. They'd gone to the blossom fields and had managed to get a picture directly in front of three nearly symmetrical trees. Blossoms flew in front of the camera, only adding to the beauty of the picture and Sephiroth's hair blew behind him. Cloud was kissing his cheek, a blue hat sat unevenly on his spikes.
The picture blurred and at first Cloud thought that maybe he'd lost too much blood, before he felt the feeling of water falling down his cheeks.
The very eyes that looked so happy and loving in the photo, were crying because of it.
It was with those tears in his eyes, that sad but breathtakingly beautiful smile and looking at that photo that Cloud fumbled for the blade behind him. Instantly raising it to his neck and dragging it harshly through the frail skin and muscle.
To Cloud, the feeling was amazing.
As his numb, empty mind was suddenly filled with so many memories of happier times and funnier times and times he will cherish but could have never had back.
The feeling of blood and tears was the last thing Cloud Strife felt, but that smile was still on his lips, and his eyes never left Sephiroth's face.
LINEBREAK
Sephiroth sighed as he walked up to Cloud Strife's front door. He'd been in this flat many times. It was very simplistic, just a one bed roomed flat with a lounge, kitchen and bathroom. It wasn't too small, it was just cosy; at least that's what Cloud always used to say.
He'd come to Cloud's home with his boyfriends, but they'd decided to wait in the car, the reason being that Sephiroth had come to apologise to Cloud and ask if he wanted to be friends with them once again. He'd known it was harsh when he'd broken up with Cloud, just ignoring him one day and dragging his three friends along with him. He'd just rubbed salt in the wound when he slept with them.
Sephiroth felt that he had loved Cloud, and he was sure that somewhere inside him he still did. He just loved the other three men in his life so much more.
After knocking for the third time with no response and checking to make sure Cloud's bike was actually there, Sephiroth reached down under the fake stone to pick up the spare key he knew the blond kept there. Slamming his shoulder into the slightly stiff door, he walked forward into the lounge, proceeding through to the kitchen when he saw no one in there.
"Cloud?" He called into the seemingly empty apartment, looking round the kitchen one more time before walking back to the bed room door.
"It's me, Cloud, do you mind if I come in?" Listening quietly for awhile and hearing no response, Sephiroth pushed down the handle and swung the door open.
At first the room seemed completely normal, despite the fact that Cloud didn't seem to be in it. That was before the silver haired man set his eyes on the pictures scattered over the floor and the bed.
Pictures of him and Cloud.
Sephiroth took a slight step round the bed, only now spotting a pale arm resting on the floor beside it. That wouldn't have been too worrying, if it wasn't for the cuts engraved into that arm and the bloodstains trickling down it.
"Cloud?" Sephiroth said as he stepped round to the blond, not preparing himself at all for the terrible sight he was met with.
Sephiroth felt his back hit the wall as he pushed himself backwards, his knees giving out below him. His hair caught painfully under his legs, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He gaze was transfixed on the beautiful blonde he used to call his lover.
Cloud still looked beautiful.
His blond spikes still stuck up from his head, framing his face perfectly without Cloud even trying. His skin was still beautifully clear and pale. His eyes were still that startling shade of blue as they gazed at that picture from Wutai Sephiroth vaguely remembered, but the silver haired man found that he couldn't focus on any of that. Instead his eyes were drawn to the tens of incisions on his arms, on the long cut round his throat and the pool of blood he was lying in. That blood was so red, there was so much of it, and it contrasted so perfectly with Cloud's skin.
It took Sephiroth a minute to grasp that Cloud was dead.
It took another to grasp that Cloud had killed himself.
And after a while of watching the blood from the blond's body, Sephiroth realised that he was the reason.
So as he kneeled there and rested his head back on the wall, Sephiroth cried for the lover he wished he had still loved.
LINEBREAK
"Sephiroth's taking forever." Zack said as he bounced his leg up and down on the car's seat, looking up at the house of his old best friend.
"Be patient puppy, we'll give him five more minutes." Angeal said, as he too looked out of the window, trying to ignore the loud ringing of Genesis's music.
They'd decided to come with Sephiroth, for if Cloud accepted their apology and wanted to talk with them, maybe even catch up with them and have a chat about recent events. He hoped Cloud would forgive them, they'd all long forgotten whatever stupid reason they had had for abandoning him in the first place.
They'd all grown up, all matured.
And realised that Cloud had been a great friend, one that didn't deserve all the shit they had put him through.
Sighing as the clock continued to tick, Angeal willed Sephiroth to walk out of the door with Cloud, both smiling and happy. Cloud would do his little wave and climb into the back with Zack, excitedly hugging his old friend and Sephiroth would proceed to kick Genesis into the back seat with them.
In Angeal's eyes the fact that they were taking so long, meant that something had gone wrong. It was likely that Cloud couldn't forgive them and Sephiroth just couldn't accept that or maybe Cloud was struggling with his emotions for Sephiroth and couldn't accept just being friends.
Five minutes passed and went, and Angeal had to give in to Zack's impatient behaviour. Following behind his young lover, he took Genesis's hand as they entered the apartment. Like Sephiroth, they'd been in here numerous times before. Cloud had been their best friend. Angeal tried not to sympathise over the way Cloud still kept all the pictures of them, even after what they had done.
Following the puppy into the kitchen with Genesis in tow, Angeal looked round at the place he remembered cooking in so often, not even seeing as Zack ran back out of the kitchen, still searching for the two other men. He was just taking in the familiar tiles as he heard the gasp from the bedroom.
"Oh Gaia…" He heard Zack say. Letting go of Genesis as he pulled away from him, Angeal followed the red haired man to the bedroom.
The first thing he saw when he walked in was Zack's horrified expression, his hands over his mouth as he pressed his back into the wall. The next thing he noticed was the way Sephiroth had collapsed to the floor, his eyes emotionlessly fixed on something behind the bed and a sole tear running down his cheek. Moving closer to Zack to try and comfort him as Genesis did the same for Sephiroth, both men caught sight of what had the others so shocked.
And Angeal decided that Cloud Strife was beautiful.
But death didn't suit him.
LINEBREAK
It was sad.
The rain poured down on Cloud Strife's funeral, darkening the atmosphere further. It was like an old fashioned film. Everything was etched in black, white or grey. It was certainly not the funeral Rain Strife ever planned for her son; then again, she never thought she would plan her son's funeral.
But she could handle the bad weather, she could handle the fact that the flowers were dying. She could even handle the fact that it was her son that was in the coffin. No, what broke her heart about the whole situation was that there was one sole person who showed up to bid goodbye to her son, and that was herself.
She stood alone in the rain as Cloud was lowered into the ground, the Vicar saying a few words before he too retired to the warmth of the church. Drops of rain dripped of her umbrella as she moved closer to Cloud's freshly lain grave.
She wanted to be able to say that she didn't understand the reasons of Cloud's suicide. She wanted to be like those other parents who cried and mumbled about how their child was always so happy and smiley and that, even in their wildest dreams, they could've never imagined this. But she knew of what Cloud had been through, she knew what happened with Sephiroth and the others and the fact that she was the only one to attend Cloud's funeral just showed how lonely the blond had been.
Cloud had loved Sephiroth.
Sephiroth had loved Cloud.
Sephiroth had left Cloud.
And in doing so he had broken Cloud's heart… and while doing that he had managed to shatter his mind.
She clearly remembered the day that it had happened. Cloud had left for college after staying at home for the weekend, he gave her a usual bright smile and a kiss on the cheek on his way out. It was when he had come back that she noticed. It had been raining then too, and Cloud had been soaked, that had been the first thing that let her know something was wrong, Sephiroth always drove Cloud home. Always drove to Cloud's own home.
She tried to talk to him as he walked upstairs, but he simply turned to her with those blank eyes, the eyes that were normally so happy and cheerful and full of life, and asked her to drop him off at his flat.
He had continued like that for two week, she would check up on him every second day, make sure he was eating and sleeping and trying to help him move on.
Looking down at the grave now, it was quite obvious it didn't work.
Bowing her head she felt a tear fall onto the soil burying her son.
At least she would always love him. She would be there to put flowers on his grave and come and see him on holidays. To talk to him and keep him company. But it made her want to cry when she thought of the future, because once she died, there would be no one to care about Cloud Strife.
Her son would just be another name on a gravestone.
LINEBREAK
Sephiroth hadn't attended Cloud's funeral, heck, no one had. And as the broken blonde looked on from his place in the Lifestream, he felt even more alone than he had when he was alive.
The End.
CreateInsanity X
Well wasn't that lovely and angsty? I don't really know where this came from, I just started writing. I hope you enjoyed it anyway!
Review…?