Disclaimer- I wish had the mind to create a world like Harry Potter's, but I don't sadly . Clearly Harry Potter never was, is, or going to be mine. Clear? Cool.
A/N- What's going on my semi-existent reviewers! Still new to fanfiction, as this is only my third story, but I'll be famous one day! (Probably not.)
Okay I love Harry Potter and said person is my favorite character of the series. Just to make that clear. I just like showing him as conceited sometimes because he totally has the right to be haha. Enjoy and review please! XD
Harry Potter's first year at Hogwarts was just about finished. He had saved the world from Voldemort once again and had made two friends. Feeling heroic and popular, Harry went to Dumbledores's office to ask for a special privilege.
"Mr. Doctor Professor Dumbledore, sir? Can I have a word with you?"
"Well, sharing a single word is sort of difficult," Dumbledore smiled.
"Don't start with those annoying mind games, I just want to talk," Harry said in his signature "cut the crap" voice.
"Go ahead."
"Can I have my own column in the Daily Prophet? Like an 'Ask Harry' type of thing?"
"That would be a lot of work. You would get many letters that you would have to then answer," Dumbledore said a little too seriously.
"Thank you Captain Sherlock Dumbledore D.D.S!" Harry said trying to use the new kind of sarcasm he overheard Dean Thomas using yesterday. "I'm not going to answer all of them, and so no one feels like I didn't answer them on purpose, they will send it in without their name…" Harry slowly lost interest in what he was saying due to the majestic Phoenix on Dumbledore's desk. "Sir, why isn't Fawkes on fire?"
Dumbledore's voice was rambling in the background, but instead of listening to the professor's explanation, all Harry could think to do was slowly take out his wand and ignite the bird.
"HARRY! WHAT THE HELL!" Dumbledore yelled. Not sure what to do, Harry quickly threw his wand at the bird. This earned another look from the professor that Harry shrugged with a casual "I don't know what just happened" face to. Dumbledore rolled his eyes and waved his wand. Fawkes was put out and Harry got his wand back."
"So….about that column…" Harry began again awkwardly.
"Whatever, Harry. Knowing you, this is just a formality and you would go and do it anyway," Dumbledore said while pushing Harry out of his office. "Just be careful."
"Thank you, Sir! And don't worry; I know how to use a quill."
That night, Harry sent the column layout to the Daily Prophet. It said:
Meet Harry Potter!
Just kidding, but you could do the next best thing! Send the questions you want to ask Harry to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry today! If you send your question in anonymously, maybe you will see it answered in the next issue of the Daily Prophet!
If you want your answered question sent to your home, please write your name and address on the question.
Write today or Harry might get bored!
Two nights later, Harry tossed and turned in his bed. He already had 400 pieces of mail! He decided to just do a few tonight so he could fall asleep. He glanced over at the sleeping Ron and pitied him. Sleeping wasn't nearly as fun as this! Time to start! Harry jumped face first out of his bed and army crawled over to the sack of letters.
Letter #1 "Who is your role model?"
"Well, most people would say their mom and dad, but I'm Harry freakin' Potter. I don't have to say anything! So nice try, but I'm not answering your amateur question.
HAHA! Just kidding mate. I am going to say that Dumbledore is my role model for two reasons. I don't really know any other witch or wizard yet and because I hate everybody back in the Muggle world!"
Letter #2 "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"
Harry laughed at the idiotic question. "Of course not!" he wrote. "Have you ever heard a tree falling in the forest when you weren't there? Because this question does not pertain to me, I will give you a bonus answer. My hobbies are scoping out chicks and being a Quiddich prodigy. I kill mass super villains on the side, so I'm sort of a super hero."
Letter #3 "Do you collect the cards they give you with Chocolate Frogs?"
"Oooh, I love me some Chocolate Frogs. You should try a Muggle cake called cheesecake. Most amazing dessert you will ever have. Do you forget the difference between the spelling of desert and dessert too? I know a way of remembering the difference. You always want more dessert so you put more s's. Unless you are a cactus. Then just ignore that and FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF! Umm….did that answer your question? No, it absolutely didn't. Love, Harry."
Letter # 4 "OMG! You are so amazing! You, like, saved the world while you were, like, not even old enough to be sure you were actually alive!"
This sentence confused Harry, and if there is one thing you should never do, it would be confuse Harry. He began shouting some curses and kicking the wall and punching the unconscious Ron in the stomach. He quickly remembered his calming exercises and counted down from ten while breathing in deeply. He let out his breath in a loud shout of "BIITTTCHHH!" and continued on with the letter.
"So, here is the awkward part! Can I have your children?"
He breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh thank you, anonymous sender! I don't know where to hide them anymore. Take them on weekdays and I'll handle them on the weekends. I don't want them to know that I'm giving them away though so just make it like a kidnapping and trap them in a room and stuff." Rereading his answer, Harry felt that that was not the question she was really asking. Oh well, he thought. It gets rid of the Hobbit Squad.
Letter #5 "Was it cool to catch a Snitch in your mouth?"
Harry was so unreasonably offended by this question that he balled up the sheet of paper and stuffed it in Ron's mouth.
Letter #6 "You probably think you are really amazing, Potter." (Harry smiled. This person gets me!) "Well…you aren't! You and your father are arrogant morons who deserve nothing less than to be dragged through mud! "
Harry was getting really excited. "HEY RON, I THINK SNAPE WROTE TO ME!" Ron kept sleeping.
"You are a creepy little orphan who doesn't know when to just handle a good beating. I hope you never see daylight again."
"Harsh," Harry began. "It's okay though, everyone is nervous when they write their first letter to me! You just wanted to stick out, and I respect you for that. You do understand that no one will ever be 'beating' me and mud is dirty, right? Right. You get an E for effort! I will be glad to receive your F for fantastic next Potions lesson. Love you Snappy-pants!"
Harry smiled at his last sentence, threw it in the 'send' pile, and picked up his third to last letter for the night.
Letter #7 I like this boy, but every time I go near him, he suddenly needs to be somewhere else! What do I do?
"Well, I haven't given relationship advice before, but I guess I could help. When he suddenly needs to be somewhere else, it means he doesn't like you and probably thinks you are kind of creepy. You have two options here. One: give up. Two: don't let him ignore you. If he starts walking away, jump on his back and poke him with your wand. While talking to him, maybe you could playfully kick his knee in the wrong direction. If you break his leg, you could be the one to drag him to the hospital wing! You have to think outside the box! Thinking inside the box is for kidnapped zebras, which, I am almost entirely sure, you are not."
Harry, absolutely pleased with his answer, couldn't wait for when he was older to test these tricks out for himself.
Letter #8 "Hey Harry! You don't know me, but I was one of your father's best friends. I just want to give you some pointers that would've helped your father back in school.
When you get detention, don't start singing "We're off to see the wizard!" Don't call Snape 'The Fresh Prince of Bad-Hair.' He'll turn into a greasy old slime ball. A little late for that right? Lastly, don't feel you are responsible for solving the school's problems. –R.L."
"My father was so awesome if he did that stuff. I'll remember the first two pointers, but it's too late for the third one." Harry grinned. He was totally going to be famous for saving the school on a regular basis.
"Looks like that's all of them for tonight," Harry said to Ron. He wasn't exactly clear on the fact that sleeping people couldn't hear you. "Ron? RON!" he yelled while punching Ron in the nose.
"VAHHK!" Ron yelled but his words were muffled by the piece of mail jammed in his mouth. His stomach ached and his nose was broken. "Bloody hell! I must have had a horrible dream."
"Yeah, you really screwed yourself up there," Harry said quietly. "ALRIGHT! I AM GOING TO BED EVERYONE! I WILL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING!" he yelled waking Neville, Dean, Seamus, and a kid Harry never intended of learning the name of.
"Harry, it is two o'clock in the morning!" Seamus scolded.
"Trying to sleep here!" Harry said while tucking himself in.
Everyone began throwing their personal belongings at Harry who had already fallen asleep.
"Oy, let's draw on him!"
So with the help of some trusty Sharpies, Harry awoke with a mustache and Robert Pattinson sized eyebrows as well as ten more threatening letters from his friends to keep as keepsakes under his floorboard at Privet Drive.