Disclaimer: I don't own ER. I've been working on this for sometime now (since April), it stemmed from a one shot that I wrote which I've expanded backwards to make it a more complete tale. I've got a touch of writers block regarding 24 Hours in the ER and Orange Juice not Champagne, they're both running in the same direction and have lost touch with reality. However this is pretty much written (though I keep re-writing large sections). I'm still not sure which ending to go with so your reviews will have the ability to influence me!
Six months had passed since my accident. I was no longer the person I was before, it was a cliché to say but I was a shadow of my former self, physically and mentally. With each day that passed I'd distanced myself slightly more from my friends and colleagues.
It started with an excuse not to go for a drink after a particularly gruelling shift. It had been one of those bleak days where I'd woken up to a grey, dismal world that mirrored my emotions and with each moment that passed the greyness had eaten into my soul so that by the end of my shift all I'd wanted was to crawl into my bed and hope that sleep would alleviate the gloomy pressure in my heart. I didn't want to be around people, I didn't want to have to be the person they expected me to be. I couldn't pretend anymore. I came up with an excuse that night not to join them. That one excuse made the ones that followed easier.
All my days started, and ended, with me feeling the same way, so I slowly, subconsciously, found myself pulling away from my friends. To start with it was the odd drink, then I stopped socialising after work; I stopped returning phone calls, which progressed into not answering my phone. I became too busy to grab a coffee between patients; I no longer hung around the ER after consults. My phone slowly stopped ringing, the invites were offered less frequently and then slowly dried up completely. I had slowly and effectively pushed them all away. I became reclusive, my only sanctuary my work. It was my world, that and the phone number for the only person I wanted but who no longer seemed to want me.
'Lucien, it's Neela, I'm sorry I can't come in, I just need some time, I don't… look I'm sorry there's nothing I can do' he listened to the message on his voicemail, but the anger he should have felt at her words didn't appear, instead worry seeped into his bones. Her voice was distant, hollow, as if it had taken all her energy to say those few words, as if she didn't really know what she was saying.
I only strayed as far as the kitchen that day, as the months had passed I'd found solace in the bottom of many bottles of wine, beer and tequila, anything that helped transport me to oblivion, to stop the thoughts, the fear, the guilt from circulating in my mind. I didn't descend to this level of hell slowly, it had been a sudden fall, the deep chasm opening and swallowing me the moment I saw the bitterness in Ray's eyes and the impenetrable seal of guilt that prevented my escape only thickened every time I heard the hatred in his voice. But it wasn't just his hatred that I was dealing with; I could never feel that as strongly as I felt my own self-hatred. Hatred and guilt over the fact that I could have prevented his accident if I hadn't been so willing to follow my sane, level minded head, instead of my heart. My head got me into this mess, it told me to marry Michael, the safe choice, it told me not to trust Ray when Michael died and it continued to tell me to hold him at arms length and look where that got me. But both my head and my heart were in agreement that there was no way out of this hell, he would never forgive me and why should he, when I knew I could never forgive myself.
'Dr Lockhart, Dr Pratt, a word please' Dr Lucien Dubenko, the curly haired, bespeckled, Chief of Surgery, was demanding their attention on a rare appearance in the ER. 'I know you used to be good friends with Dr Rasgotra. I need to know if you are aware of any problems she might have been having recently. I know you're both busy people but I've become increasingly concerned about her behaviour and felt that you might be able to enlighten me'
'Lucien, Neela is still my friend' the surgeon raised his eyes in surprise 'though I've not seen much of her recently with Luka being away and looking after Joe I've hardly had a moment to myself' Abby shrugged an apology and pushed a long, dark strand of hair behind her ear, but the thoughts had started to twist in her mind.
'Don't sweat it, she'd come and talk to me if she was having problems and she hasn't, she's okay, trust me' Pratt added.
'Really? This conduct is so unlike her, especially over the last few months, if there's anyone you could rely on its been Neela, if there was a shift that needed covering she'd do it. But she's not been in all week, she phoned on Monday to say she need some time and I've not been able to get hold of her since' he sighed, scratching his head.
'Sounds to me like she's had something she's needed to do. Are you sure you're not worrying over nothing?' Pratt smirked, bemused by the surgeon's obvious feelings for his intern.
'Like what Dr Pratt? You didn't hear her message on Monday, did you? The hollow, distant sound to her voice? All she's been doing for the last six months is working, she signs up for every shift going, she's been sleeping in the surgeon's lounge between shifts, I'm certain she's not got anything else in her life except her work. You haven't watched her retreat further and further into her shell, you haven't smelt the alcohol fumes on her breath and clothes the last few weeks, have you? She's not taking caring of herself, surely you've noticed how gaunt she is, the dark shadows around her eyes' he paused, looking at them both with despair, and sighed again 'you haven't, have you? And you call yourselves her friends; I have more caring enemies'
Abby's stomach somersaulted with anxiety at his words. She stuffed her hands deep into the pockets of her lab coat, she hadn't seen any of these signs, come to think of it she'd hardly seen Neela for ages. 'I've still got a key to her apartment, I'll go round after my shift finishes to see her, check she's okay'