Emilia was off her game today.
Something was definitely up with her brain. She was off task and couldn't focus during any of her morning classes. By the time lunch came around, she was desperately searching for some kind of release from the funk she was in. During her calculus test, she looked down and saw the equations in front of her, but her mind was entirely off in some other world, peacefully enjoying a fresh breath of air…
Ridiculous. She didn't have time for fresh air, nor could she afford to let herself lose focus during an exam like that. Sure, she was somewhat naturally smart, but she had to work hard to get the kind of grades she needed for university.
That was the goal, wasn't it? Get into a good school, get a scholarship, and work the rest of her days to pay off that enormous debt.
If there was one thing Emilia knew, it was that working hard had payoff. And if she didn't get her act together, things would surely fall apart at the seams. She had to work harder if she wanted to make ends meet.
God, all these thoughts about the future made her head hurt. She massaged her temples and tried not to groan.
"Em, you good?" Alex nudged her shoulder. "You didn't answer my text, from last period."
She blinked, trying to think back to whatever it was she'd sent her. "Uh, yes, the text about…"
"Do you need a ride home?" The girl said, smiling. "Man, you really are out of it today girl. Hey, pull my keys out of my bag?"
Emilia laughed. "Yeah, of course. Sorry about that, I'm gonna need a ride." She groaned. "I wish my mom would let me drive the car, but…"
"Don't worry about it, seriously. Ugh, but you need to check your phone more often! What if I'd left you here all alone, at the school?"
"You do know the buses run too, right?" Alex rolled her eyes. "Free public transportation? Don't mock the system. It works ."
"Em, you're ridiculous. Don't insult me and suggest a bus ride. We're juniors! We have a right to these parking spaces, and we will prevail!"
A senior passing by the two of them glared towards their general direction, but they paid it no mind.
"Alright, well we'd better get going. I've got a massive chem test to study for tomorrow."
Alex groaned. "Seriously? You know, it's your fault for stacking up on all these hard classes. Why on earth do you do that to yourself?"
"Well, I take responsibility for it, right?" Emilia tried speeding up to subtly pressure Alex on to get to her car faster. "And that responsibility involves studying tonight, so let's…"
"Come on. Seriously. I worry about you." She must have looked confused, because Alex elaborated. "You never sleep, you're constantly stressing about some upcoming exam, it's just…I know we don't have the same goals in life, I guess. But I wonder if you're really happy doing all of this."
"What do you mean?" Emilia asked. "Do I not look happy to you?"
"It's not that exactly, but...where's the payoff, ya know?" She laughed. "I'm probably overthinking this. It just feels like we live in different worlds sometimes." She opened up the car door, and winked at Emilia over the hood of the sedan. "Just don't forget to mention my driving efforts in your speech for the Nobel Peace Prize, alright?"
Emilia hated to admit it, but the conversation with Alex stuck out to her in her mind that night. She was trying to cram all of the information from her textbook into her head, but the words kept parroting themselves back at her.
I wonder if you're really happy doing all of this.
Are you happy?
Was she happy? Could she really say she was happy right now? She had a good group of friends, small but supportive. She wasn't as close to them as she'd like to be, probably because she declined most Friday night invitations in place of studying and finishing assignments early.
It was sometime around the middle of her sophomore year when everyone gave up even inviting her out. Most of them figured she either didn't care or thought she was too stuck up and proud to hang out with them. Sure, it hurt, but she knew that going out with friends wasn't her end goal. Maybe she'd buried some of those feelings of resentment deep down, but now it just felt like a cold distance separating her and the rest of her classmates.
She was on the track team...but she really only put her heart into it for the sake of a strong high school transcript. She couldn't say whether she really loved running or not, or even if she'd do the sport if it didn't make her college application look better.
And on top of all of that, she'd been growing more and more distant from her family. They supported her goals to get into university and pursue a successful career, but they never talked or spent time together due to Emilia's intense scheduling.
She couldn't say that she was living for the present, but rather, for some distant happiness she would reach in the future. A part of her had always known this, but admitting it to herself made the world feel just a little bit darker. Her high school career was almost over, and she'd made barely any memories. She hadn't gone to homecoming since her freshman year, never drank, never spent holidays with friends.
Her closest friends were in her classes, and a few from track. But when did she see them out of organized meetings? When did she interact with them one-on-one? The realization of her isolation hit her like a freight train.
What did she even have, aside from school? Why did she feel so empty?
Had things always been this way?
Emilia closed her textbook. This wasn't going to work, she couldn't contemplate the meaning of her life and memorize electrochemical processes. So she decided to do something she hadn't done in a while-go to bed early.
Her mom passed the door as she was brushing her teeth, and looked surprised. "Mija? What, are you going to bed already?"
"Yeah, Mamá, I think I need to turn in early tonight." She knew she was being obvious, that the worry and anxiety on her face was easily recognizable, but her mother showed no indication of concern. Emilia thought maybe she dismissed as some small problem at school. Maybe a test or exam the next day.
In any case, she decided it would be best not to push the subject. That may have been for the best in most other situations. They'd gotten into most of their fights after Mamá pushed for something Emilia wasn't ready to talk about. Usually, things diffused once Emilia had some time on her own to think through things and calm herself down. So instead of asking what was on her daughter's mind, she just leaned in, held her head close, and kissed her forehead. "Good night, and sweet dreams, mija."
"Good night, Mamá," she said reluctantly. She'd grown apart from her mother, and the signs of affection that once comforted her now made her uneasy and unfamiliar. The space between the two of them was growing, and it hurt to think that she'd lost closeness with everyone around her, even her family.
Before climbing into bed, she fantasized about a world where she could start over, just run away somewhere and free herself from the responsibilities of this one. She chastised herself, she needed to get over this funk sooner rather than later, or her existentialism would end up hurting her grades.
Oh, well. A good night's sleep never hurt anyone.
(Famous last words, Emilia.)
She dreamed for the first time in weeks that night. Usually, her nights consisted of hazy, unclear memories bound together in no real order. But tonight, her dream felt more like a vision. She could see clearly, and she felt all of her senses.
She felt...lucid.
The man before her wore a complex set of robes; they looked like a kimono of sorts? He sat high on a throne above her. His face was set and his deep violet eyes imbued an infinite understanding and kindness. His red hair trailed down his back. He was...beautiful.
Emilia immediately felt a deep trust towards him, and fell to her knees without meaning to.
He laughed kindly. "Do not kneel, noble dragon. Stand before me, and listen to what I have to say." She stood up shakily, and nodded, not daring to speak. "Move closer, so that I may see your face."
As she stepped closer to his throne, he came into better view. She wondered who this man was. Although she was dreaming, she still had some of her senses about her. She'd read somewhere that the people you see in dreams are people you've encountered in real life, because your brain can't produce those types of images on its own. But she knew, deep down, that there was no way she'd met this man before. Surely she would have remembered?
"U-um, sir?" What kind of title did he even use? 'Sir' was probably way too informal… "Who are you, exactly? And why am I here?"
"You are here because I brought you here." His eyes crinkled in amusement. Normally, this would piss Emilia off-she hated it when adults patronized her-but for some reason she felt the humor in it too. Maybe it was the intent behind his words...
"No, I mean...what do you want from me? Why did you bring me here?"
"Well that's exactly what I wanted to ask you . What is it that you want, Emilia? What do you want from this life?"
"I-huh?" Her existential thoughts from earlier made sense all of a sudden. Was this some kind of visualization of her internal conflict, shown as a vision from some beautiful royal?
"Are you really happy here?"
Those words echoed louder than a gong in her head. The strong feeling of wrongness she had felt earlier was amplified. Dream or not, this question was rooting itself into her deepest parts. The emotion was so strong that she couldn't speak-and yet she was compelled to. This man's tone was so firm, and definitive. She had to answer him.
But how could she voice the things she hadn't yet accepted in her own heart?
Was she really happy? Living life for some future version of herself? She was distant from her friends, her parents, her family. The only thing of substance to her was her grades.
How could she pretend she was happy, in front of this man who looked into the deepest parts of her soul? If she lied, she knew he would see right through it. What was the use of lying to him? Why was she still lying to herself?
Her voice quaked in resignation, and a small, quiet "no" slipped from her lips, right before everything jolted to a stop, and her body jerked awake violently.
When she came to, things were much different than she'd remembered them when she'd gone to bed. First of all, there was no bed.
What.
The air was cool around her, but her body was sore, most likely from lying on a cold, hard surface of rock. There wasn't much light around her, but from what she could see, she was in some sort of cave. She shivered as a breeze ran through her t-shirt.
It was a good thing she'd forgotten to remove her sports bra before going to bed. That, at least was a small comfort within this mountain of disbelief.
She felt like she was going to puke-oh, there it was. She vaulted to her feet and let out the bile coming up from her throat. Her heart was racing as she tried to come to terms with this new reality.
This was real. This was very, very real.
She wasn't delusional-she knew the difference between dream and reality. There was something alien about this place, and the choking fear of the unknown around her was very much real. The sensation of cold rock underneath her socked feet, the damp taste of the air...
What was this new world she was in? How was she supposed to survive? She had to think logically. Think, Em. This isn't the time to get caught up in your emotions. Emilia used an old trick she'd learned a few years back.
This had helped her countless times, trying to tamper down her emotions. The first time she'd used it was at her piano recital in second grade, when her parents hadn't shown up and the room had quietly applauded her through her tearful performance.
She knew they weren't coming, but it hurt to know that they didn't take the time to see her. It was during a rough time, right during the messiest part of their divorce. It seemed like every night, they were meeting with lawyers and having screaming matches. Still, she wished they could have set aside their differences for just half an hour for a recital.
It hurt, and she wanted to cry more than anything, hide under her blankets and forget that the rest of the world existed for a moment. But she knew she still had to play the piece, and she wouldn't let herself fail her audience just because her parents had failed her.
Emilia took a deep breath, just as she'd done all those years ago, and visualized a sink of running water. The water was her emotion, her fear, and her emotional distress. She reached out, and turned off the faucet. The feeling of reaching out made it tangible, and she felt her panic silencing as the image of the water in her head petered out. She felt cold, but in control.
Think, Emilia. What's the next course of action? What do you need to do?
The first thing was to figure out what the hell was going on. She made the decision any logical explorer would when finding their way out of a cave or a system of tunnels. She quieted her breathing, and listened for the wind, trying to gauge its direction.
She had no idea what lay ahead, but she knew that this place wasn't safe. She'd have to stay on her guard, and take care of herself at least until she got to a place where she felt safe enough to take stock of herself and find a way out of this mess.
Well, it beats taking that electrostatics test tomorrow, she thought humorlessly before making her first steps into that new world.