Crazy Ex- What?
By: Oddball 101
Disclaimer: I do not own "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" or any of the characters.
Summary: Rebecca has been left at the altar. How far can she snap?
This is based on "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" and takes place at the end of Season 2. So Josh leaving Rebecca was expected, but becoming a priest? That was a cool twist. So far I'll start off with a T rating, but with Rebecca who knows?
We have to destroy Josh Chan.
The words resounded in her mind, echoing across the empty apartment. Empty except for the enormous pile of garbage that belonged to Josh Chan sitting in the living room. And a few items that belonged to Rebecca, including her high school diploma. And birth certificate.
"Rebecca sweetie," Paula scrambled towards the living room, her feeling of unease growing. "You're not supposed to burn your things dear. Actually," Paula drew in a deep breath; already regretting what she was about to say, "maybe a fire in general is a bad idea. A really bad idea. Let's face it, honey; you don't have the best history with fires. You remember the video. Maybe, instead, you should, I don't know, try going back to therapy."
Rebecca suddenly appeared from her bedroom. "What? No, no. Paula, I'd get why you'd think that, but Paula, I don't need to go to therapy. I'm fine. I know you'd think I wouldn't be, but I am fine. FINE. F.I.N.E. It's not like Josh was cheating on me. Unless he can cheat on me with God, in which case he is totally cheating on me. But you can't cheat on someone with God, so he's not; I mean he didn't cheat on me. He just left me at the altar. For God."
"Rebecca sweetie, I know this is rough but…" mid-sentence Paula decided to change her tactic. "Actually, you know what you're right, you're right. He didn't cheat on you. We don't have to destroy Josh Chan." Paula held up her hand to stop Rebecca's impending outrage. "I don't mean we give up on our plan. No, no. Of course not. But maybe instead of destroying the Josh Chan that is, you know, alive and breathing at a monastery trying to become a priest," Paula paused, and took a deep breath, "we destroy the Josh Chan that was. You know, get rid of old pictures, and forget past memories. Destroy his stuff," she snatched the matches from Rebecca's fingers "in a way that doesn't involve fire."
"She's right you know." Valencia weighed in from darkened living room. Paula felt the tightness leave her chest. "Rebecca, I mean. Not you." And it was back. "This is the second time he's done this."
"Second time he's done what exactly? You two were never engaged-"
"I know we weren't engaged-"
"Do you? Do you really?" Paula shot back. Her voice was inching higher, desperate to keep Rebecca from doing something foolish. The memory of Rebecca standing at the edge of that cliff, staring down into the crashing waves, was still fresh in her mind, and she wanted to prevent another incident from happening as much as possible.
"Yes." Valencia's voice cut through the air like a knife. "And I thought that as my friends, you guys would realize that."
There was an awkward silence.
"I didn't even know we were fri-"
"Of course we know that!" Rebecca practically leapt into Valencia's arms. Valencia's face contorted, and her arms wrapped around Rebecca, in an attempt to embrace her or push her off Paula wasn't sure. "We would never think that, because that would mean you'd be trying to make this about you and this isn't about you."
Valencia shirked Rebecca off. "Excuse me?"
"It's about me." Rebecca's stupidity shone through her smile. "And you of all people understand that!"
"What the hell are you talking about-"
"I mean, after you and Josh broke up, and then Josh and I got together, and then Josh and I got engaged, you took time for yourself. Then you reinvented yourself as a wedding planner, which was great for me, by the way, and I really appreciate everything you've done for me. All of you. But I gave you space so you could process. And it was all about you, you, you, Valencia has to heal, Valencia needs time, Valencia feels eh about the whole situation. But now it's all about me, I mean us! Josh Chan broke both our hearts! As a matter of fact, he broke all of our hearts!"
"What are you talking about?" Heather's monotone voice broke through the stunned silence. "Paula is married, I barely know the guy. You and Valencia are the only ones who dated him."
"Heather, when did you get here?"
"I've been here the whole time. I was just looking through Josh's stuff-"
"Well, it doesn't matter, because you're wrong again. I mean of course Valencia and I dated him. But Paula, Paula is my best friend. So when Josh and I were dating it was like he was dating both of us. Even though he wasn't. He sort of was though. And when he hurt me he hurt Paula too. And you…you represent women everywhere. Yeah, yeah!" Rebecca's arms flew up, and she began to pace. "Every women, all women, have been hurt by a man somewhere, sometime. Boyfriends, fathers, brothers, uncles, grandfathers, all of them. The whole lot of them! Men are just no good! And we have to teach them a lesson. Starting with josh Chan, we make an example out of him, and then put an end to any men who dare to follow in his footsteps. Josh should not be forgiven just because he has become a man of God! He needs to pay because…because he is a man! A man who has hurt women!"
During her monologue, Rebecca had paced over to the kitchen sink. Paula's nerve shot up again as Rebecca grew closer to the kitchen knives, and she desperately wished to get to them before her cookie did.
"I think you're having some sort of breakdown. You need to get to your therapist ASAP. Or a hospital. Yeah, a hospital might be better," Heather began, but Rebecca cut her off. "Heather, Heather STOP! OK! I mean, God, all you ever do is look for ways to prove me wrong. You're really smart and all, but God Heather why can't you be on my side? I mean, we're all women here, and I thought we were friends Heather! Aren't we friends! Why can't you just be my friend Heather?"
Valencia, Paula and Heather all stepped back out of shock. In her rage, Rebecca had grabbed one of the kitchen knives and was holding it out, shifting it between the three.
"No, no, no, this isn't right. This isn't right. This isn't about us. Heather, Heather, don't you see. This is, this is Josh Chan's fault. This is all his fault. He's here, not physically here, but his presence is still here and it's driving us all apart. And you know what, you know what…." Rebecca paused catching her breath, and then she thrust the knife into her kitchen counter. Her friends gasped in shock. "We need to stop, take a deep breath, and think. And then, and then….. We need to murder Josh Chan."