Hi! So as I promised in my last season's coda series, I'm back for season 13! I should have probably written this earlier, but for my excuse, I was at a wedding over the weekend and had literally no time. Also, I haven't read any coda fanfics for this episode yet and I'm sorry if it's similar to something you've already read or if it's literally the same. I've already watched the episode three times and these are just a few scenes/moments I'd like to add. Enjoy! :)

Warning: a lot of it is from Dean's POV, which means swearing, obviously. Also, PAIN.

13X01 LOST AND FOUND
A Different Kind of Love

It takes him a while to make another step. Let alone walk to the other side of the room, right where- where he is lying on the table, covered in a beige sheet. A sheet that Dean had covered him with, his eyes full of tears, and so overwhelmed with emotions that it was getting too hard to keep it all inside. Way harder than it usually was.

But that's okay. Is it okay? It is okay, isn't it? The only one around who can clearly see what state he's in is Sam, and it's okay if he knows it. He probably already knows anyway.

But Cas didn't.

Damn it, he should have told him right after he almost died because of Ramiel. He should have manned up and told him everything instead of waiting until it was too late. There's always a too late, in their lives.

Another person who'd see how fucking broken he is is Jack. Dean's not sure how he feels about that, but he doesn't plan on talking to the kid anyway.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Another step closer. And another, and another.

He's standing above the body now, looking down and doing his best not to break down. He knows there's no going back, no fixing this. Because Chuck doesn't care and the universe is a shitty place to live in when you're Dean Winchester.

Everyone you love dies.

Mary, John, Ash, Pamela, Ellen, Jo, Bobby, Benny, Kevin, Charlie, Eileen, Crowley, Sam . . . Cas.

He takes the sheet and pulls it back, looking down at the love of his love – yes, the fucking love of his screwed up life. He knows that now. And he didn't tell Cas. All he did was make him a mixtape and he's sure Cas didn't even know what that meant anyway.

Dean looks up and holds his breath.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Breathe in. 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Breathe out.

Is he calmer now? Of course he fucking isn't. He looks down one more time at Cas's closed eyes and lips that won't ever smile at him again. Not that they did that often, but when they did and his eyes sparkled, it was like the sun had come out after days of rain.

This is the last time he sees him. This is their last goodbye. No more texts with emojis and no more pats on the back.

He turns his head away and lays his hand down on Cas' chest. He stretches out his fingers and doesn't look down until he finds the mixtape in Cas' inside pocket. The one closer to his heart. Dean pulls it out, adjusts Cas' overcoat and pulls back the sheet, looking only at the mixtape now.

Will he ever listen to all those songs again? His favorite songs? They used to be the best, but now they only serve as a reminder of everything that he's lost.

After he puts the mixtape into his own pocket, he looks around the room and tears the light yellow curtains into pieces. When he's done with that, he walks back to Cas and starts wrapping him and preparing him for the funeral.

This is the part that usually the closest member of the family to the deceased does. Or their partner.

And he's sure Sam knows that too.

xoXÖXox

It's just manual work, something to make him stop thinking about everything that's happened. With the ax in his hands and another tree down, he can start preparing enough wood for the pyre. He takes a swing and feels his muscles burning with effort. It's better than the other kind of pain, so why not continue?

But it doesn't take long and Sam joins him, with an equally sad expression. He's glad that Jack isn't with him, the kid seemed to connect with Sam for some reason. Whatever the reason is, he just hopes it doesn't last long and that once they know how to kill Jack, there won't be any problem doing it.

Before Sam starts, he looks at him and their eyes meet. Dean nods slightly and avoids his brother's stare, and then it's just the sound of the axes against the thin tree trunks and thick branches.

As soon as he gathers enough, he carries it over to the pyre, takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.

Before he can go back to the woods and join his brother though, a voice stops him.

"Dean?"

It's Jack.

Dean rolls his eyes and turns around, seeing that the nephilim is walking towards him. He's really excited to finally have a conversation with him. If Cas was here, he probably wouldn't understand the sarcasm of that statement.

"I'm sorry for what happened," Jack says. He looks sympathetic. Dean just hopes Sam didn't tell that kid anything that he didn't need to know about Cas and himself or the relationship they'd had. Or the lack thereof.

"I'm really not in a mood for a talk right now," Dean frowns at him.

"I know that Castiel meant a lot to you," Jack tells him, making Dean even more uncomfortable than he already is. "And although I don't know much, I know that it can help a lot to know that someone knows how you're feeling. Clark helped me to-"

"Cut the crap and get to the point," Dean interrupts him, tightening his hold on the ax in his hand. He's aware of the sudden urge to use it, but he's holding it back. It wouldn't do much against a nephilim anyway.

"I know how you feel," Jack nods at him, making Dean frown even more. "I've lost both my parents today."

"Lucifer's still kicking," Dean says, "but unless you can create another rift and jump through it, preferably staying on the other side, you won't see him again."

"That's not- Lucifer isn't my father."

This time, Dean raises his eyebrows instead of more frowning. "Come again?"

"He is my biological father, but I chose my father to be Castiel," Jack informs him as if Dean's supposed to already know that.

"What?"

"He promised to protect me." Jack looks down and then looks into Dean's eyes. He looks so much like Castiel in that moment that Dean almost drops the ax completely. "I know what his loss feels like."

"You don't have a fucking clue what his loss means to me," Dean tells himself to take a deep breath, but once he starts, it's like he can't stop and all that anger has to come out. "You don't have a fucking clue, Cas wasn't my father, Jack. He'd saved me more times than I can count and I'm sorry, but have you even met him? You know nothing about him, all you did was sockpuppet him to help you and now you're saying his loss means to you as much as it does to me? Do you know how much it hurts? Do you want to give up everything and never have to face the world without him again? I'm sorry, but have you lost all your remaining will to live? No? What a fucking surprise! You're half an archangel, the worst one that there even is and if you even can feel anything, then you don't feel half of what I'm feeling here, okay? So the next time you try to compare me and you, do me a favor and don't even start. Cas was everything to me and you used him and- and- I said I'm not in a mood for a talk right now!"

He rushes past Jack and into the house, he exits the house from the other side and stops for a while, looking at the ground. His heart is pounding in his chest and his breathing is too fast, but once he closes his eyes and concentrates enough, it's gone and all he's left with is the emptiness that he knows all too well by now.

After another deep breath, he sits down on the steps and all he does is listen to the surroundings. He hears birds. A lot of them. And crunching steps on the other side of the house. Muffled voices.

Dean drops the ax and looks at his Baby. She's dirtier than he ever remembers her being. There's a clear BITCH written on the backseat window, and the fact that the window is covered in enough dust to make it possible to write on it makes him even sadder. And when he realizes that it was that fucking bitch angel who had touched his car and written the word there, he feels angry. But on the outside? He doesn't do anything.

It's like he's lost his hope. There is no point in anything anymore and the world will be forever dark.

And all that because he lost him.

He lost him and this time, it's permanent.

xoXÖXox

As soon as Sam hears shouting, he drops his ax and runs back to the house. But all he sees when he arrives is his brother, rushing away from Jack, and the nephilim, looking sad and confused.

"What happened?" Sam asks when he gets closer. Jack turns to him with a slight frown.

"I don't- I . . . I don't know."

Sam winces as the door shuts loudly behind Dean. "Well, what did he say?"

Jack starts slowly, as if trying to say it exactly like Dean did. "He said that I have never met Castiel and therefore can't know what his loss means to him. He also said I should never compare what he feels to what I feel."

Sam purses his lips, knowing well that Jack carefully chose the words. He himself heard a few words here and there from what Dean was yelling.

"But I don't understand," Jack continues before Sam can say anything. "Why would he say that? I lost Castiel too."

Sam nods at that and blinks away his tears. "Cas . . . he wasn't our father, Jack," he explains. "What you're feeling . . . is different, and I know it hurts, but . . . not even I can imagine what it feels like to Dean."

"How is that possible?"

"Cas was my best friend, no doubt. And I loved him like a brother, you know? You chose him as your father, Jack, and even though you haven't really met him, you gave him your trust." Sam takes a deep breath and glances at the closed door of the house. "But for Dean . . . I think it's a different kind of love."

Jack takes a few seconds to process this. "So what you are saying is . . . that although we all loved Castiel . . . His relationship with Dean was stronger?"

"You could say that," Sam nods and clears his throat. He doesn't know if Jack fully understands, but he knows that it's not really his place to tell him. He's not even sure Dean knows how obvious he is, but Sam's known about his feelings for a while.

"Come on," Sam sighs. "You can help me with the pyre while Dean's . . . resting."

He manages a slight smile and turns around, walking back into the woods.

Jack follows him without a word.

xoXÖXox

The flames are high and the smoke is dark. This is it. He's gone. He'll never return to their lives. And all he'd left them with is . . . Jack. Dean doesn't even know how to feel after the kid told him he chose Cas as his father.

Did he even sockpuppet Cas at all? Was Cas really putting all his faith into Jack? Was Dean wrong about him? Was he another Claire?

For some reason, he can't even close his eyes. The fire is too mesmerizing, if that's the right word to use. Because it fucking hurts to watch his everything go up in flames. But he still can't look away. Because this is the last moment he's got.

His mouth is open and he can't help but think about everything he had to do to stand here, even though he tries really hard not too:

The room was a little bit darker when he walked in the third time. And Cas was already all wrapped up, prepared for what was coming next. Dean remembers what it was like walking towards him and holding back his tears, screams, and anger.

Now he's just exhausted.

When he put his arm under Cas' shoulders and the other one under his knees, he took a deep breath and lifted him up. He was heavy. And he expected his head to fall down on his shoulder like it did when he had carried him into the house, but it was covered in a sheet now and wrapped in the curtains and he couldn't move anymore.

Dean walked out of the house like that, his expression hard and cold. He didn't say anything when Sam offered his help. He walked up to the pyre and laid the body down, right next to Kelly, staying only a second longer than he'd planned to, and then climbing down and joining his brother and Jack in front of the house.

The flames are still burning and his mouth is still open and the smoke is still too dark. And he's still standing there, not sure if he can ever move again.

But he will. He has to.

Because Cas would have wanted him to carry on.

Well, I hope you liked it! Please let me know what you think :P