A/N: Okay, so this is my entry to the latest contest by the writer's loft, "the five word challenge". At first I thought I wouldn't be able to post this story, as my laptop decided to break, but praise be to the laptop lords it decided to work again :D So here ya go.
Disclaimer: I unfortunately own nothing of New Girl or its characters…. Yet…..
Nick walked in the door of the loft with a completely un-natural giddiness covering his features all pertaining to the news he was desperate to share with his roommates, well maybe it wasn't all the reason, there was always a certain someone responsible for some of it, though he vowed never to let her know that.
"Schmidty!" he called, "I need you to call a loft meeting"
"Finally you accept that I am the undisputed A-dog of the loft and therefore am in charge of you all" came the reply as Schmidt exited his room wearing another item from his seeming endless collection of suits.
"No… Jar Schmidt! Jar!"
"You know it's true Nicholas. Everybody! Loft meeting! Now!" He finally called through the loft.
After a brief moment filled with muffled sounds of shuffling, he saw both Jess and Winston made their way to the kitchen.
"What's this all about? I want to get back to the windchimes I was making." She said with a slight pout, "I just need to tie-on the feathers" she added with a goofy smile.
"Seriously though what's happened now Schmidt, someone used your hair chut-en-y?" Chuckled Winston with a smile when he mimicked Schmidt's over-pronunciation of the word chutney.
"No Winstonial, Nicholas here, asked me to call a loft meeting for whatever he needs to share with us." Schmidt replied with obvious pride that he was asked to perform this duty.
"Why didn't you just call it yourself Nick?" Jess said as she turned to him
"I've tried to six times before Jess! The only person who ever comes when I call is you, and that's because we….. well you… I mean….." he froze at his own words as both him and Jess scrambled to come up with a reason where neither of them would have to have "this talk" now. Schmidt and Winston watched their roommates amusedly until Schmidt ran out of patience.
"For god's sake, just get over yourselves" He yelled, causing Nick and Jess to shut up, "I have a manscaping session to get to, so can you just give your news Nicholas"
"You mean you have a waxing appointment." Winston stated bluntly.
"Use your heathen words if you must. Anyways, your news Nick?"
"I'm getting a tortoise!" Nick blurted out un-able to control his enthusiasm, "I've done all the paperwork and I'm picking it up at 6"
"That's cool man but I ain't helping you at all when you realise you know nothing about keeping a tortoise" Winston said coolly, happy that his grumpy roommate had something to actually be happy about.
"What are you on about Winnie? I watched that show the other day."
"He does have a point Nick" interjected Jess, "that show was just about wild tortoises, not keeping them as pets" She added, hoping she didn't come across as too teacher-y.
It was then that the three of them all noticed Schmidt. He had been frozen to the spot since Nick had announced his news. He didn't look different, but he was breathing very heavily and mumbling incomprehensibly.
"You ok man?" Winston asked with concern for his, albeit douche, friend.
"Reptilian diseases!" he shrieked, "I haven't been tested if I'm allergic to shells or anything!"
"Schmidt, I don't think that's a thing." Said Jess, wondering whatever turned him into this OCD induced, wreck of a metro-sexual, man.
"I need to protect my body!" Schmidt shrieked again before launching himself out the front door and down the stairs.
"I didn't think he could get any weirder…." Winston mulled with a sigh.
Later that day:
Jess entered the loft to be greeted with the sight of Nick crawling on his hands and knees trying to look under the sofa. She thought how cute he looked when acting stupidly (which was a lot), then thought better of herself, no old turtle face is not cute.
Nick still hadn't noticed her standing in the doorway trying to figure out what the hell he was doing so she cleared her throat.
"Oh hey Jess, I didn't see ya there, I was just… um….Exercising." He greeted her unconvincingly.
"You lost the tortoise already didn't you."
"If I had per say, lost the tortoise, would you be angry?" Nick asked almost flinching away from her as he said it.
"Why would I be angry?" she replied dumbfounded, "the only one who might be mad would be Schmidt, because he's scared this it will be the death of him."
Almost as if on cue, Schmidt exited his room wearing a large, bright orange hazmat suit.
"Schmidt what the hell are you wearing? Is that a hazmat suit?!" Nick questioned incredulously, with his mouth left wide open, and a dumbfounded expression on his face.
"Why yes it is, and I don't have a clue why you asked if you already knew" Schmidt answered like it was the stupidest question in the world.
"We know what it is Schmidt, but why are you wearing it?!" asked Jess, perfectly mirroring Nick's expression.
"well with an untested, and therefore suspected infected, reptilian in the vicinity, I have to take the necessary precautions to protect my Jewish temple." He retorted, with complete sincerity, whilst indicating towards his body. "Now if you'll excuse me I've got to get back to what I was doing. I'm at a very important sta…."
"No! I don't want to hear about whatever weird thing you're doing! Go! Go now." Shouted Jess while covering her ears with her hands.
Schmidt strode back to his room, as quickly as a man in a hazmat suit can, and swiftly slammed his door. Jess looked towards his door concerned she acted too harshly, but when Nick gave her a thankful look she knew what she did was purely for their preservation.
"How did you manage to lose a tortoise anyway? I mean they aren't just slow, they're like super slow." Jess said turning to Nick as she tried to imagine how a fully grown man could actually lose a tortoise.
"Well I'd just finished the last coat of wax on his shell and.." Nick began
"Wait a second. Did you just say you waxed his shell?" she interrupted.
"Well of course I did, I wanted him to have the shiniest shell in all of LA" He said like it was the most normal thing in the world.
"Tortoise shells aren't meant to be shiny. You aren't meant to wax them either! Why would you want it to be shiny anyways?"
Jess just couldn't understand what sort of logic would possess him to wax a tortoise.
"Well he, sorry she, needed to look as gorgeous as possible to live up to her name" Nick spouted before he could stop himself. He thought this was it. He'd said too much. He prayed to anyone who was listening that she wouldn't figure it out.
"what did you call her?"
"Ermmm…." He couldn't think and he could feel the sweat gathering at the base of his back, "I called her… Snappy! So you know she had to look snappy, like a snappy dresser." He mentally high-fived himself for his, amazing in his opinion, save of the situation.
"I guess that makes sense…." She said, really not following his logic, but was logic even a word that could be associated with him? Nope, not really. "So how did you actually lose Snappy then?"
"Well again I wanted her to look good, so I may have gone to get some yarn to tie a bow on her." He practically mumbled out, getting quieter with each word he said.
"seriously dude?! Just get your own yarn. Stopping touching mine! It's mine!" She was literally huffing with annoyance.
"Well hang on a minute! I tell you to leave my tools alone yet you always take them!" he shouted back, stepping into her face.
"That's cause I need your tools to do stuff!"
"The same with your yarn Jessica!"
They suddenly realised that they were standing so close that it was mere millimetres keeping them apart.
"I need to do something in my room" Jess mumbled before quickly running to her room. She was gone before he could even turn around. Before he had a chance to sigh to himself Schmidt came out of his room, carrying something straight to him.
"Here you go Nicholas, your, newly, disease-free reptile. Oh, and props on the shell shine, it's so good I can use it as a mirror."
"Wait, you had her this whole time?" Nick asked, more curious than angry.
"Yes, I did. I was making sure it carried no diseases that could harm my person. Now excuse me while I go and burn this suit."
And just like that Nick was left standing alone with a tortoise in his arms.
He looked down at the creature in his arms and laughed when he saw her face in that permanent smile like state.
"Your name is so perfect for you and I hope you know that" He said holding her up to face him.
Her face turned in to what could only be described as a massive turtle grin, the equivalent of a smile brighter than the sun.
"It really is perfect Jessica, just like she is"