"Slam one more door and we're gonna have a problem." Rick looked up from the floor where he was playing with Judith to address Carl.
Carl stopped briefly as he approached the door, dropped his head, took a breath and walked through the threshold closing the door, purposefully quiet as he left.
From Daryl's spot at the table he watched the father and son interaction with a blank expression. "Somethin wrong with him?"
Rick shook his head, while stretching across the rug to help Judith build a tower out of Solo cups, "I have no idea what's going on with anyone. Carl hasn't spoken to me in days. Michonne won't come out of the room. And if she does? She disappears, before I can talk to her. This is the first time, I've seen you in, I don't know how long… Judith is the only one who it seems like, is willing to deal with me lately. Not sure what I'm doing wrong but I'd love some insight."
As Daryl regarded his friend and what he was saying his expression changed from blank to confused, to bemused, then concerned. As far as he knew he was trying to give Rick time to make adjustments to his family changing. Maybe in his attempt to give Rick and Michonne space to navigate their new relationship he had accidentally neglected his friends. Truth be told he didn't imagine that the couple would change their behavior drastically but new couples tended to be excited about new discoveries and he had little interest in overhearing their "discoveries".
"Nah man. You're cool with me. Just tryin to give y'all a little space. Didn't want to be all up under if y'all were trying to get adjusted with things being different. Figured it might be a little different for Carl and Baby Girl too. Just tryin to be respectful." As Daryl finished what he was saying he went back to eating his cereal and waited to hear what Rick would say next.
"I'm sorry. I probably came off a bit much just now, but it just felt like things were really good, and then great, and then, one by one, people just stopped talking when I walked in the room." Rick looked up from the cup to he was holding to face Daryl. "Thank you for being thoughtful but this is your home. We're family. Don't hide cause of us."
As Rick was speaking, Judith toddled over to Daryl pulling on him to join the stacking game on the floor. Daryl picked the girl up, sat her in his lap, and offered her some cereal, as he responded to her father.
"Alright, so you got one mystery solved, right? I'll hang here a bit more but what about the other two? What's up with Carl and Michonne? Could they be trying to do what I was doing? Giving space?" Daryl stopped turned his attention to the little girl digging into his breakfast. "Judith you're gonna make a mess pulling on me like that. Goin as fast as I can." Daryl didn't want to present the option that maybe Carl wasn't ok with Rick and Michonne being together. He knew Rick wasn't stupid and if that were the issue Rick would either figure it out as they were talking, or he would say it, if he were ready.
Rick shook his head as he made his way to the kitchen to pour more cereal and milk into the bowl Daryl and Judith were now sharing. "I mean maybe but I don't think so. Carl was fine for weeks after everything changed and when I see him with Michonne he talks to her, talks to Jude. You saw him just now. He was fine in the kitchen with the two of you but the minute I walk in the room he's headed anywhere else. Michonne on the other hand only seems to be speaking to Carl and Judith. She's asleep when I leave the room. She consistently manages to slip out the house before I can catch her. No one sees her the whole day and then she comes home after dinner, takes a shower and goes straight to bed." Rick was now sitting facing Daryl. He played with his hands as he took a breath and said, "Maybe… maybe this isn't what she thought it was. Maybe she thinks it was a mistake."
Rick rose from the table and has an apologetic smirk on his face, "Sorry man. Try to convince you to come back home only to drop a mess at your feet. Don't worry about it. Everything will get figured out."
Daryl frowned as he looked at Rick, " Don't do that man. That's not fair to me or to her. You telling me something's up, is how it's spose to work right? I messed up not doing that, now you're trying to do the same thing. And that don't sound like Michonne. Straight up. She would think through if she wanted you before she'd do that to all of us. If she really wasn't sure, she wouldn't put you though that. And the way she is with these kids? No way. But, I mean you asked either of em what's goin on?"
Rick regarded Daryl, and considered for a moment about what he'd said. Daryl was right. Especially about Michonne. She wouldn't have started with him if she weren't certain about what she wanted, but lately all of their interactions felt so perfunctory, and with the emotional distance she had created, he was afraid of rejection from approaching her.
"No. No I haven't spoken to either of them. Honestly I'm afraid of finding out how I've disappointed them. Again. I guess I'll just have to bite the bullet. This is getting intolerable." Rick stood and reached for Judith who looked somewhat reluctant to leave the comfort of her uncle's arms.
"Well no time like the present." Daryl nodded his head at the window as he saw Carl approach the house. "I'll hold onto this one. Maybe, we'll go visiting. You figure shit out." And with that Daryl went out the side door with Judith tucked under his arm as Carl came through the front.
Once Carl made his way through the door and realized his father was still home he tried to quickly make his way up the staircase.
"Carl?!" Rick called up the stairs.
"Yeah?!" Carl called back. Rick could he hear the edge in his voice with his son's response.
"Can you come down and talk to me for a minute please?"
"Look, can it wait? I was on my way to find Enid."
Rick sighed loudly from the bottom of the stairs. "No. No, Carl it can't wait. I'll be at the table." Rick walked over to the table and sat down. He rubbed his hands over his face while he waited for Carl to come back down.
Carl thundered down the stairs and made his way to the table but remained standing, opposite Rick.
"What is it?" Carl glared at his father. Unabashedly. Clearly he was angry about something, and from the look on Carl's face, Rick had let it fester for far too long.
"Do you think you can drop the attitude for five minutes to tell me what's wrong with you?" Rick hadn't intended to be so antagonistic to start but Carl being angry with him out of nowhere left him feeling defensive.
Carl took a beat and looked like he was debating something. "Have you talked to Michonne?"
Rick took a deep breath, "She left before I woke up this morning. Most mornings, this week, actually. Is something wrong? I thought you said everything was cool? Are you not feeling that way anymore?"
Carl examined his father, "Have you noticed anything different lately?"
"Different, like what, Carl?"
"Nothing, nevermind. I'm fine. We done?"
"Different like what Carl? Lots of things are different. You can barely look at me. Daryl's been hiding lately. But I talked to him about that. He was feeling a little out of place. Is that what's going on with you? Cause you know she loves you right? Nobody's trying to push anybody away." Rick was practically pleading with Carl at this point. He tried searching out Carl's eyes to see if that information struck a nerve.
Carl still refused to look at Rick as he said, "You haven't noticed there's a lot more food around here lately? Haven't noticed people are only ever here to sleep and then they're gone? People not talking to you? None of that caught your attention?"
"I just told you I straightened things out with Daryl."
Carl did look up with that statement. The eye that Rick could see under Carl's shaggy hair had darkened and Carl's face flushed a deep red. Carl looked like he was trying very hard not to jump over the table and tackle his father.
Rick could feel himself starting to get warm as he got more frustrated with Carl. "Look, I'm not a mind reader. Could you please, do me the courtesy of speaking to me like an adult, which is the courtesy I'm trying to extend to you? What's the problem with you and Michonne?"
Now Carl looked absolutely dumbfounded. Then his face clouded over again, and he looked furious. "I've already said, I don't have a problem with Michonne." Carl said to himself under his breath, "You've got both of yours and I can still see that much more than you?" Carl shook his head to himself.
"Look I've got someplace to be. Maybe if you talked to Michonne, you'd figure out some things. I'm done with this." Carl had started shaking as he was speaking. He turned his back on his father and made his way back to the front door.
"Carl!?" Rick was ready to throw something at this point. "Carl?! Come back here! Have you lost you-" Rick stopped yelling once Carl had jumped from the top of the porch to the sidewalk. At this point he could tell Carl was too angry to handle a conversation and he wasn't going to try and chase him down the street. Carl was practically grown and even if he weren't it had been a long time since he could pick the kid up and carry him wherever he wanted. Instead Rick turned around and closed the door behind him.
It was still fairly early so Rick didn't see many people moving around as he made his way to the gates. He waved to the person on guard duty as the gate was opened. He had finally decided enough was enough, if Carl wouldn't talk to him about the problem he would have to ask Michonne. He had hoped that whatever the problem was she would eventually bring it to him so they could work it through. He had spent most of the time he knew her not trying to push her. Letting her define the terms on which they met. But she had said sometime ago that she wasn't taking breaks anymore. When she made that statement they had been discussing Carl but he was hoping as he made his way through the woods that those words applied to him as well.
As he walked toward the house they had stopped at before they entered the gates of their new home he realized he didn't really know where she was. He would try the house first, but she and Daryl were the trackers of their group, and if she really didn't want to be found, he realized he probably would just have to hope and wait for her to come home. He figured he would walk around the perimeter of the community and check the walls from the outside. Maybe he could catch her there.
"Who has Judith?"
Of course, he hadn't heard her approach. Most people couldn't sneak up on him, but he guessed, that was how she managed to make it on her own for so long. If she didn't want to be seen or heard, she wouldn't be.
"Daryl took her to go visiting. They're probably at Carol's or Eric and Aaron's. Maybe Morgan's? I should have asked him where he was taking her."
"She's fine with him. Carl?"
He realized that during this whole interaction they hadn't made eye contact. He turned to face her when he realized she was there, but her eyes had stayed on the ground the whole time. And her voice was barely loud enough for him to hear her.
"Yeah. About Carl. He's about lost his mind about somethin. You got any clues? Cause if it don't get it figured out soon, I don't know if we're both gonna make it." He had tried to lighten the moment with a joke but as he stopped speaking it seemed to have fallen flat. She was still barely looking at him, and he was starting to get uncomfortable. "You know what? Forget about that for a minute. You gonna tell me what's going on with you?"
With the bite at the end of his question she seemed to flinch but still wouldn't make eye contact. He noticed the flinch. It was a fairly small movement but it shook him. What was going on with his family? Was he right? Was she regretting being with him? If she didn't want to be with him did she think he would fight her on it? Sure he'd be hurt, devastated, if he were honest. But if she realized their relationship wasn't what she wanted, he wanted her to have what she wanted. Whatever that meant.
"I don't know if I did something or didn't do something but can you at least tell me what it is? I'd like a shot at fixing things. I know… I know you've been avoiding me. Past few weeks seems like you're always sleeping. I was ok with that cause you still seemed ok and I figured you know, now that we're someplace safe maybe you were more relaxed and your body was catching up. But the past few days I can't even find you. Do you not…?" He swallowed and blinked a couple of times. "Do you not want this? I'm guessing it's not the kids cause you seem ok with them, but if you don't want to be with me…? I guess I just would rather you ripped the band aid off quickly. I don't want you to be unhappy."
And with that Michonne finally did look up. And he felt his stomach drop. That's what it was. She didn't want to be with him. Now what? He knew Judith was attached to her and then there was Carl. How would they handle the kids. Would she move out? Would she expect to take the kids? That would explain Carl's attitude. In Carl's eyes it would be yet another relationship that Rick had mangled. Just as he was starting to hyperventilate Michonne spoke.
"Pennant."
Rick just stared at her. When he realized that the word made no sense, his forehead wrinkled and he tried to catch his breath. "Pennant? What about a pennant?"
Michonne's eyes had returned to the ground with her quiet utterance. She took a deep breath and just a little louder said, "Preg-nan-t."
And for a split second he felt like he'd fallen off the Earth.
"You're pregnant?"
"Mmm…"
And he was openly grinning. Just as he was about to start laughing he looked at her face again and Michonne did not look like she was ready to laugh or celebrate. He hadn't seen her face so closed to him since the prison.
"Do you want it?"
"Do you?" Two words, and he couldn't believe she was asking him. Of course he wanted a child with her. He wanted it so badly, he realized he'd never dared to hope for it. At least not out loud. They talked about almost everything together, but they hadn't talked about this. It was something he wanted, but he wanted her idea that he would pressure her even if it were unintentional was not what he wanted. Of course he wanted to share that experience with her, but only if she wanted it too.
"Michonne…?" He would take his time. He was not going to spook her. "Michonne. I want you. I have for longer than even, I realized. If you don't want me or you don't want a baby with me, or you don't want a baby just please tell me what you're thinking?"
And she made eye contact with him and held it. Finally. And now he could see what he had been missing. Why she had been disappearing. Because if he had looked carefully, he could see that she was terrified. And he had always known her to be fearless. She wasn't ready to have him see the terror because it was something she so rarely stepped into. What she was terrified of he still didn't know, but the fear in her eyes was enough to scare him.
"You're scared." He took a beat when she didn't respond. She just kept looking. "What are you afraid of? Doesn't need to be me. Whatever you decide I'm with you. We can find a way."
And he could see that a little of the terror fell away. Repeating her words back to her and she had dropped a little of whatever she had been carrying around.
"Before…" He could barely hear her again and he desperately wanted to interrupt her. Whatever before she was afraid of could be dealt with. She didn't need to be afraid of what happened before but she also needed to say out loud what this terror was.
"Andre." And there it was. She was afraid to bring another child into the world just to loose them. And he couldn't argue away that fear but he could tell her the truth as he saw it.
"I can't make any promises. We've almost lost Carl and Judith. But the people you have around you now, you didn't have before. We have a community that seems to know what they're doing and we're safer now than I think either of us have been since this started."
"And you're not Mike."
He said simply, "No, I'm not." He wasn't going to try and fight that ghost for her. It was a losing battle and he knew that. He would do whatever he could to help her fight, but attacking the father of her child wasn't something he would stoop to doing. As he continued to look at her she seemed to release a deep exhale and a little more of the weight that she had been carrying.
"And you're not Lori. This isn't anything close to what happened to either of us before. There are doctors and people who know what they're doing. And.. well this…" He paused and gestured between the two of them, "This is different."
And there it went. Whatever she was carrying she finally dropped enough of it let him the rest of the way in. Everything about her body changed. She looked less stiff, her shoulders came up a bit and her breathing changed. The fear was starting to recede.
"Carl knows."
"You told him first?" He meant it as a question but it came out as part statement, part accusation. He felt badly about it but he was hurt and she could see that.
"No. He figured it out before I did. I thought the same thing you did at first. I was just tired and my brain had finally given my body permission to relax. Carl noticed the sleeping and that I wasn't eating. He'd have candy and offer to share and just thinking about it would make my stomach turn. I couldn't be in the house if meat was cooking. I'd have to eat much later in the day usually only fruit or vegetables. Maybe pasta. After Carl I'm usually the biggest eater in the house. Carol feeds Daryl half the time and you eat about as much as Judith most days." She sighed. "No, I didn't tell him. He came to me a few days ago with this…" She shook her head looking for the words. "I can't even describe what he looked like. But he thought we knew and just weren't telling him."
As he looked at Michonne, RIck could see her reliving the experience of talking with Carl. Carl was disappointed that they hadn't told him she was pregnant. But when he realized that his father was once again in a bubble of self imposed ignorance about Michonne he lost it. And Rick understood. Carl was fiercely protective of his family and his attachment to Michonne was unparalleled.
"Michonne?" He was gonna get back to dealing with Carl later. For right now there were other pieces to be sorted through and aligned. Michonne didn't say anything but he had her attention.
"I don't know what you want. And that's ok. And whether you know or don't know what you want is ok too. But, however things happen can we go to a doctor? I just want to make sure you're ok." Everything turned on for her with those questions. She was still caught in her fear with his earlier statements but she realized how much of not only his own fear he was sitting with but also she was stroking his insecurities too. She realized, he was afraid she wasn't as invested in their relationship as he was. The past few weeks she had missed a couple of things too and it was her turn to try and help him through.
"I'm in love with you." She looked straight at him as she said it. There was no shame in her statement. Neither of them had said it out loud before this moment. Each worried about pushing the other too far, but she realized they were making things worse by trying to protect each other. "I know, you know that I love you. And you love me. We've been family for a while now, but I'm in love with you. And I love Carl. And I love Judith. And I understand if they're enough. They can be enough for us. We never talked about this so if this isn't what you want we'll figure it out. OK?"
"Michonne…"
"Rick, I won't do that alone again. So just say something." And there were the walls again.
"Michonne? I'm gonna say what I would like and any part that isn't what you want too, we'll… adjust? OK?" He took a deep breath and started again, "I want you to come home. I want to get you a peanut butter protein bar if it won't make you sick, maybe some apple slices and I want to have a baby with you. If that's what you want. Now I know-"
"Let's go home." She had already turned around and was heading to the gates and he didn't care at all that she could hear as he tried clearing his throat and sniffing loudly as he tried not to cry the tears of both relief and joy.
She was walking slightly ahead of him and he reached his hand forward to grab hers as they made their way to the gates. She turned to him and wiped at his eyes and leaned in with a chaste kiss as they waited for the gates to open.
They made their way back to their home, listening to see if Carl or Daryl and Judith had returned. The house seemed empty. It looked like Dary had stopped by and picked up some supplies for Judith, but had taken her back out rather that stay in the house.
Rick pointed to a bar stool at the island as he looked through the pantry. And as promised he pulled out an apple and went to the refrigerator to pull out a homemade granola bar. Once he handed those off he started pulling open cabinets and pulling out pots.
"Rick, thank you for the snack. But what are you doing?" Michonne wasn't sure if she was going to have to repeat herself. She said most of that with both cheeks completely full of food.
"You said you can eat pasta. I'm making pasta. You can't eat meat right now. I'm guessing fish too? Can you eat eggs? Beans?" They had made it this far, they had safety and food, she wasn't ever going to be hungry if he could help it.
"No, I said I can't handle the smell of meat cooking. I can eat it, if I'm not near it, as it cooks. But, I don't need anything else right now. I'll do better if I just eat a little bit frequently. At least through the first trimester anyway." She smiled at him as she finished that statement. And he smiled back. Michonne broke the stare first and giggled a little which led to a little choking on her apple.
"Do you want me to try to smooth things over with Carl? I didn't know he was so upset. I would have tried talking to him earlier if I had."
"Michonne, you know how he is about you. I know you didn't know. But given everything that I know now? It's bigger than what it could've been. He and I have to straighten it out ourselves." He ran his hand across the small of her back as he took a seat next to her. "What I would like, is whenever you feel up to it, to spend a little time with you. I know you might not be feeling up to things but I've missed talking to you and I've missed… well I've just missed you." His hand dropped just a bit from her back with that statement. Enough for her to catch the innuendo but not enough to feel as though she had been withholding.
The door slammed before she could respond to his statement and they heard feet stomping hard and fast up the stairs.
"Umm, I'm gonna go upstairs and lay down. And as I'm passing someone's room I'm gonna suggest they go downstairs and have a snack, like I did." Her lips brushed his gently as she stood. "Thanks again for the snack and congratulations?"
He smiled as he opened his eyes and responded, "Thank you for sending him down. Enjoy your rest and yeah congratulations."
As she walked toward the hallway, he called out, "Hey Michonne? I am too. With you, I mean. I mean, I'm in love with you." He blushed as he finally got the words out. He'd hoped to sound more suave when he said it even though he was certain she knew he meant it.
"Hmm… yeah, I knew that." Then she grinned, "But I'm glad you finally said it. See ya in a bit."
A few moments later he didn't hear her ascent but he did hear her knock on Carl's door. Rick couldn't hear Michonne's voice, but he could hear Carl's.
He heard Carl's heavy feet make tread down the steps. He was trying not to be as loud as he had been earlier knowing that Michonne had gone to lay down.
"Hey, Son. Have a seat." Rick pointed to the recently vacated seat and rose to repeat the snack for Carl that Michonne had just had.
"Can you just say what you're gonna say and I can go back upstairs?" Even though Rick now understood why Carl had been so upset and could even empathize with him, his tolerance for the attitude was running out.
"Sit your ass down and cut the shit Carl." With that Carl looked over at his father and regarded him warily. He did go ahead and sit down though. "Look I realize you're angry. And like I said before I'm gonna talk to you like you're grown but if you want to act closer to Judith's age I know how to deal with that too. Whatever is fine with me. Now. You gonna talk about it or go to time out?"
Carl glared at his father. If he were just a little less keyed up he probably would have found the speech funny but he had been holding on to the rage for just a touch too long. "You talk to Michonne?" For four words, that pretty simple question held as much judgement and accusation as Rick had heard from Carl in awhile.
"Yeah. Yeah, I did. I think you know I did. And since we're letting go of any secrets as of right now, I know, you know, that she's pregnant." He took a breath and waited for a response from Carl. Nothing. Just a blank stare.
"I get you being mad about thinking that we were holding out on information from you, but we weren't. Michonne didn't know either. You're the Matlock of the house. So why are you pissed at me? Are you mad about the baby?"
"Who is Matlock?" Carl grabbed the least important part of the statement as a stalling tactic and Rick knew it.
"Carl."
"I'm not mad about the baby." OK, progress. Well, maybe…?
"Are you sure? I know you have Jude a lot. It probably won't get much easier with another in the house."
Carl shook his head and sighed, "No, I like hanging out with Jude. I don't care about that."
"Well are you worried what happened to Mom would happen to Michonne? Cause we have access to doctors now…"
"No Dad. I was worried but I wasn't mad."
"Well Carl could you give me a hint. I can't see what I've done here-"
"THAT'S IT!" Carl practically knocked the chair over when he jumped up. "You never see. I get that you two weren't holding out on me. And I get, that for whatever reason, Michonne had a hard time telling you. But, there was a point when she knew! And she was absolutely terrified. Scared shitless. And YOU didn't see it!" Carl looked at the floor as he shook his head. "And the part that scares me? I mean really worries me? Is that I'm pretty sure you love her more than you ever loved mom." Carl puts up his hand to stop Rick from protesting. "I'm not saying you didn't love mom. And I don't know maybe it was different and I can't remember but who you are with Michonne is SO different from who you were with Mom. And you just didn't see."
"Carl?" Rick was trying to find the words to tell Carl how right and wrong he was without attacking or blaming him. "Carl, first I did love your mother. I loved her very much. And I think you're right. I probably didn't love her the way I love Michonne. Part of why Michonne and I love each other the way we do I suspect is because we understand the way the other thinks.
When we first got here I kinda disappeared on her. I couldn't get my head on straight, and I didn't want her to feel like she had to deal with it, and I hid. On some level, I knew if she saw enough of me, she'd see I was a mess and I wasn't ready to deal with my shit yet. Well, she knocked me out and made me deal with my shit once it went too far." Rick risked a glance at Carl to see if he was keeping up with him. Carl still wasn't giving away much but Rick could tell he was listening at least. It almost looked like Carl's eyes danced a little at Rick's mention of his major meltdown in front of their neighbors.
"Carl that's a two way street. I do see her. And she knows that. Once she realized she was afraid she hid. Now, I wouldn't knock her upside the head like she did me. Lots of reasons for that, one of which being I doubt she'd ever clown quite the way I did. That said, I lasted about as long as she did before I decided the disappearing act had to stop. I know I wasn't seeing it. But a big part of that was she didn't want me to see it." Rick put his hand on Carl's shoulder, "And like I said, I'm not a mind reader. Something was going on with Daryl. And he talked to me about it. It's fixed now. A big something was going on with Michonne, and it's better now. But if nobody will say to me what's going on it's not reasonable to expect me to magically fix the problem."
As Rick had continued talking Carl began eating the apple slices and granola bars. His father stood and went to get him a small glass of milk.
"OK."
"OK, what son?"
"OK, I get that things probably went down the way you said they did. And I get that you can't be responsible for fixing a situation if you don't know there is one."
Rick nodded his head. "OK, son. Two things?" When Carl swallowed and nodded his head in response Rick continued. "If you're angry with me. So be it. But if and when that happens be a man and call me out. Respectfully but honestly. When the shit is real nobody wants to deal with guessing games. I can't promise I'll be perfect at it but I will try to hear you. Deal?"
"Deal." Carl finished the rest of what he was eating with Rick sneaking a few pieces here and there.
Swallowing the last bites of food he asked Carl rubbed his hands on his pants to dust of any crumbs and asked his father, "What's the other thing?"
"Can you try to find Daryl and your sister? I told him that he could come home today and I suspect he's been holding onto her all day waiting for me to fix things with you and Michonne before he came back." Rick shook his head and chuckled to himself, "Now that I think about it. He probably knew before all of us."
Carl looked at his father, frowned and then thought better of whatever was passing through his mind. "My guess would be yeah. He knew. He figured out you two before I did. I think he usually spends a lot of time waiting for us to catch up to him." Carl started walking to the side door.
"Yeah, I'll bring them home." As Carl opened the door he looked back over his shoulder with a slight smirk, "Dad? Congratulations."