This was originally written for the Thor Kink Meme on LiveJournal. Don't worry, it's not very kinky.
Warnings: SPOILERS, sort of quasi-incestuous feelings.
Disclaimer: I do not own Thor or any characters therein. I make no money from this fanfiction.
I Dance Alone (Your Shadow Beside Me)
When Loki is still young, not yet grown and on the cusp of puberty, Thor starts to speak of women. He tells his brother of breasts and cleavage and how pretty women are. Thor talks of serving maids and wenches and all sorts of things Loki is not yet familiar with, and he talks with such excitement that Loki can't stop him. Thor comes to him one night and spins a tale – vastly exaggerated, Loki is sure – of how he seduced a girl and what it felt like and how good it was and how he can't wait to do it again.
Loki feels vaguely nauseated at the description of the act and tells Thor it sounds disgusting and he doesn't need to hear about all these things anymore. Thor looks hurt, of course, but he doesn't talk of exploits in the world of adulthood anymore, for which Loki is forever grateful.
When Loki passes the age Thor was when Thor became a man, as it were, Thor and his friends – apart from Sif, who considers the whole thing ridiculous – start some good natured teasing about Loki never being able to catch a girl by poring over spell books all the time. Fandral, for reasons that escape Loki, decides to talk about his first time and all his subsequent times and each description of soft curves and wet and breasts makes Loki gag until he finally has to spell Fandral's mouth shut. Thor and Father both reprimand him for that, but privately, Loki thinks it was worth it.
It is some years later before anyone broaches the subject of women and Loki again. Fandral had learnt his lesson very well, and Loki had glared at everyone else until they be quiet about it for weeks afterwards, but apparently, years dull the memory and once again, Thor feels the need to talk to Loki. Specifically, he feels the need to talk to Loki about how Loki never seems to approach women whenever there is a feast, and never seems to have women come to him either – women had tried to interest Loki a few years back, but Loki had made his disinterest very clear and the women of Asgard avoided him if at all possible – and Thor was worried. He was sure Loki would be happier and more inclined to revel if he just... relaxed. With a woman. There was obviously no point in telling Thor just how repulsive Loki found that thought. So Loki made some agreeing noises and sent Thor away. Lying outright to Thor had always been hard, but now, the lie slipped easily off Loki's tongue, that he would go searching for a suitable wench and come back relaxed and he hoped Thor wouldn't ask him about it, because Loki was a very private person, unlike the Warriors Three. Thor doesn't even question, pleased to see his brother being a man for once. It leaves Loki with a bad taste in his mouth.
A handful of days later, Loki finds himself watching the warriors fight. All of them are baring rather more skin than usual. Fandral, Hogun and Thor keep on getting distracted by Sif – Volstagg is staring longingly at Loki's lunch, and Loki makes a point to savour every bite – but Loki couldn't care less. He doesn't understand why women can make men such fools without even doing anything. But then Thor suddenly calls a break for lunch – Volstagg practically tears off towards the food – and he stretches, taking off his thin shirt and he fairly glistens and all Loki can think about is licking along those lines of sweat on Thor's chest and stomach. Loki doesn't hear what anyone is saying, all he can do is stare at Thor and become increasingly aware of a, ahem, problem that is thankfully concealed by his book.
"Whatever is the matter, brother?" Thor suddenly asks, clapping Loki roughly on the back. Thor is smiling that smile, that one he only ever turns on Loki and Loki suddenly hates him. How can Thor do this, how can he go around and smile at Loki and be the perfect son and be the favourite and have women fighting for him and – moreover – how can he do this to Loki? Loki still wants to lick Thor – and more besides – but he also wants to tear Thor into tiny little pieces and feed him to a Frost Giant. But instead of saying anything, Loki smiles blandly.
"Oh, just a thought," he replies and continues eating as if his entire world hasn't just shifted and turned into this new and hateful thing.
"A new trick I'll warrant," Fandral mutters and Loki smiles innocently. He does, of course, have several tricks he could play lined up at any given time, so he doesn't have to bother thinking one up. He sets it in motion a few days later, so the warriors believe that Loki's thought is done and over, but they don't know the truth of it. If Loki has his way, they never will.
He begins small. He has to make sure, of course, but making sure will be difficult. So he changes himself into little creatures and follows Thor here and there and watches Thor closely. The more he watches, the more he cannot stop thinking about Thor and the more he hates him. As if it is not bad enough that Thor must hold Loki's attention like a flame holds a moth, Thor does the same to the women of Asgard. And, Loki notices, far more people seem to like Thor than have ever liked Loki. Even Father, who rarely visits Loki, deigns to spend hours with Thor. Mother spreads her time more evenly between the pair of them, but she definitely spends longer with Thor than with Loki. Thor, Loki also notices, has people practically throw themselves at him, on a daily basis. The last time someone who wasn't family touched Loki, was when Sif was trying to get his attention and even then, it had just been the lightest of touches on his shoulder. Thor meanwhile, will not stop touching Loki. It is increasingly distracting; part of Loki wants to throw Thor down and violently dismember him, while another part wants to let Thor do as he pleases. Loki ignores the latter part, because he hates Thor and nothing will change that.
Thor accidently breaks one of Loki's books some time later. It was a particularly delicate script, and had disintegrated when Thor had picked it up. Not only is he hideously popular, he is also clumsy and has no care for books. He doesn't even apologise for destroying the book. He simply drags Loki off on yet another stupid adventure, not even caring that Loki would rather be anywhere else than gallivanting around the nine realms with Thor and Thor's friends. Loki doesn't care that Thor will smile at him and look so distracting, he hates Thor and wishes that he would go away, preferably forever.
The plan comes all at once. Well, the first step. Loki has learnt that there are other paths besides the Bifrost into Asgard. It would be simple to just... let a Frost Giant or two in. Perhaps at Thor's succession ceremony. Just when everyone is cheering for the smug idiot. Yes, let his thunder be stolen by invasion. And then the other pieces slide into place; lure Thor into Jotunheim. Get everyone to see just how stupid and reckless Thor is. How unfit he is. Everyone should forget Thor. No more women, no more time with Mother and Father, just Thor all by himself because he went to Jotunheim.
Thor getting banished to Midgard was almost too perfect. Father won't let anyone else go there. Thor will be stuck by himself. Only Loki will be able to visit because no-one else knows about the secret paths through Yggdrasil. Thor will be Loki's. But all through his triumph, Loki cannot help but wonder why his skin turned blue, then healed immediately. He cannot help but wonder what trickery this is. And then Fath- Odin tells him. And doesn't that explain so much. Loki the Frost Giant, of course he was never loved as much as Thor. Of course he could not understand why women attracted men so. Frost Giants didn't have soft curves or breasts or anything. His body had just been telling him what he was all along. A monster. A monster who would still prove that he was better than Thor.
Again, the lie slips easily off his tongue. Thor believes him, so sweetly. Loki almost wants to reward him for being such a fool. Loki is going to leave Thor here, on Midgard, and be the only visitor Thor ever gets. He is going to rule Asgard like Thor never could have. He is going to get rid of the other monsters – the ones who have made him what he is – and then he is going to tell Thor everything and make him suffer.
But there is a human woman. She offers Thor friendship at first, but it's a thin disguise for her lust. And then her lust is thin disguise for her feelings and all Loki can see is him visiting Thor and finding his Thor happy because of a stupid human woman and why can't Thor be his.
That, Loki realises, is all he really wants. He just wants Thor to be his. Not a woman's, not Father's, not Mother's, not Asgard's and definitely not a stupid human woman's. Loki is Thor's. Why can't Thor be Loki's?
When Loki lets go of the staff, he pretends it's all because Odin doesn't understand. But he'd seen it in Thor's face, when they'd been fighting, and he'd shed a single tear and then he'd broken his heart. He'd known that no matter what Loki did, Thor would never hate – no, no, he'd never love like Loki did. His mortal woman had taught Thor how to be a king in only a handful of days, and Loki could never match that. Loki could never match Jane Foster, who had stolen Thor from under Loki's nose without even trying. And perhaps Loki does hate Thor just as much as he's been telling himself all these years. Perhaps he really, truly hates him. Because when he lets go, he can't help feeling a burst of sheer joy at the expression on Thor's face. It's so sorrowful, so broken, so lost and Loki doesn't know why he wants to cry when he's so happy.
One day, Loki will stop lying to himself.
Thanks for reading.
Rethira