Title: Dear Fangirls
Fandom: Bayverse
Author: femme4jack
Characters: Bumblebee, Mikaela, and Sam
Rating: R
Warnings: Crack
Summary: Bumblebee has noted a distinct change in his charge ever since they discovered the fan fiction being written about him, and writes a Cease and Desist letter to the fangirls.
Notes: I wrote this ages ago for the dear_tf_fangirl comm on livejournal and just rediscovered it when someone happened to comment. I found it mildly amusing. For the record, Bee's opinions, preferences, and beliefs in this letter do not in any manner reflect those of the rabid fangirl author who has done many of the things he complains of ;)

Dear Fangirls

Dear human females commonly known by the appellation "Fan Girls",

Of all of the Autobots in my cohort, I am the most familiar with human customs and habits, save for the now sadly deactivated Jazz. As he is unable to write to you, I have taken it upon myself to make contact. After all, I am the first contact specialist for my team.

While I understand that your limited lifespan leads to a nearly insatiable and constant desire for you to mate, in all of my years traveling the stars, I have never encountered a species that fantasizes about engaging in mating behaviors with an alien species that is 1)physically incompatible with them and 2) would not be able to assist them in creating their progeny.

Personally, I have found your creativity and imagination about such scenarios a fascinating and enlightening study into the females of your species. I have read many of your works, and find them humorous and stimulating to my processors, which is what I hope you intend. My concern, however, is for my human charge, Samuel Witwicky. Ever since informing him of the exponentially increasing number of "erotic fan fiction stories" that exist on the human internet, he has been most disconcerted. I thought he would particularly be amused by the stories you have written about him and myself, as I personally found those stories most humorous for their sheer ludicrousness and perversity. However, as much as I may understand human behavior in a superior fashion to my cohort, Samuel's reaction came as surprise to me.

He will no longer ride in my alt mode unless absolutely necessary, and when he must ride in me, his vital signs all show indications of high anxiety, nervousness, and arousal. He will no longer touch my steering wheel or gear shift. When I am in my bipedal mode, he is now uncomfortable with my tactile interactions with him. He will no longer wash me, nor take me to a car wash. He and his mate are no longer comfortable engaging in normal human interactions near me, upon me, or inside me, something which I had found a fascinating study and had encouraged. In short, Samuel's eyes will no longer meet my optics and he will barely speak to me. This has caused me great distress as the bond between a guardian and his charge is of deep importance to my species.

For the sake of Samuel's well being, and even his safety (as it is imperative that he trust me), I must ask you to cease and desist from writing about any of the following activities. Perhaps if I can assure him that such narratives are no longer being composed, he will be able to return to his former state.

1. Please cease composing fiction about Samuel or his mate Mikaela giving me any form of automotive care including the following: car washes, waxes, interior shampoo or vacuuming, oil changes, "lube jobs", or "tune ups". I or our medic are perfectly capable of taking care needed maintenance and upkeep, and though Sam has given me the occasional wash, it was no more stimulating for me or my charge than you scraping insects off of your windshield.

2. Please cease from composing fiction involving me tying up, holding down, or in any other way restraining Samuel. I would never do such a thing, and I most certainly would not probe his anus with any of my appendages or parts I might fabricate for that purpose.

3. In fact, please restrain yourselves from writing any material that has me interacting in any way with Samuel's anus, phallus, or other human erogenous zones, unrestrained or not. The only interaction I should have with Samuel's anus is it sitting on the drivers seat of my alt form, which does not, by the way, transform into a vibrating dildo.

4. Please cease from speculating about the existence of mechanical sexual organs on myself or any Cybertronian. We do not reproduce. We build a shell for new sparks created by the now destroyed Allspark. While we do interface with one another for the sake of information exchange, maintenance, assistance with repairs, and even building bonds of trust within a cohort, we are not gendered as your species is, and would have no need for anthropomorphic mechanical sexual equipment. And if you cannot restrain yourself from writing about such imaginary parts, would you please at the very least restrain yourself from writing about Samuel discovering or being shown such equipment, or my using any such equipment to stimulate Samuel's erogenous zones? You need to be aware that should a human make contact with the a Cybertronian interface cable or port (which do not resemble human sexual organs in any manner), he or she would likely find his or herself brain damaged or deactivated.

5. Please desist from characterizing Mikaela as being shallow, unfaithful, cruel, "bitchy", jealous of me, or otherwise finding slim excuses to be rid of her so that Samuel and I may "finally get together." It honestly amazes me to find females of your species acting in such a misogynistic fashion toward one of your own build. Samuel and Mikaela's pheromones and activities indicate a strong mating bond between the two teens, and though such bonds can be tenuous in your species, all indications are that their bond is quite strong. They are healthy, normal, heterosexual teenagers of your species, and they act together accordingly, and are, frankly, a fascinating study for me. If they do choose to end their mating bond, there is a 97.57238572 he will seek out another female of your species after a period of teenage sullenness.

6. Please cease from composing fictional accounts of Samuel engaging in any form of tactile contact with my spark. Such activity would instantly deactivate him, and could likely injure me.

Again, I make these requests not for my own comfort. As a highly intelligent autonomous robotic organism who is over ten-thousand years old, my own comfort is not my concern. My concern is purely for my charge, Samuel, and by extension his mate, Mikaela. It is imperative that they trust me and feel comfortable with me for their own safety. However, for my own comfort, I will add that I am finding their sexual arousal any time that they are near me (since I alerted them to these stories) most disconcerting and distracting from my ability to engage in my duties.

Very Respectfully Yours,

Bumblebee

Scout and First Contact Specialist for Optimus Prime's personal cohort