Recipes from the Real Hell's Kitchen
The Lord of the Underworld finds a creative way to liquefy Dorothy Gale's Auntie Em.
Author's Note: This story is set during 5x18, "Ruby Slippers." Thanks for the great response that so many of you have given to my previous Hades-centric story, "A Party For Hades." This should be similar in tone and style. If you liked that one, I hope you'll enjoy this one, and if you enjoy this one, I hope you'll read the other one. Thank you for reading, and please, if you feel so led, follow, favorite, and review!
Hades materialized in his subterranean lair. Cerberus scrambled from his gargantuan dog bed to greet his beloved master.
"Good boy," Hades said.
He had just encouraged Zelena to stay in the Underworld and face the newly-arrived Ruby. He knew that Zelena had the silver slippers, and he realized how dangerous it could be for the security of his realm if her sister bullied her into handing them over.
Walking over to a large standing mirror, Hades snapped his fingers, causing images of Ruby, Regina, and the Charmings to appear in the glass. They appeared to be en route to Zelena's farmhouse.
Hades knew that Zelena would need his help if she wanted Dorothy to remain in her cursed state in Oz. He recalled that the only thing that could break a sleeping curse such as Dorothy's was True Love's Kiss.
The Lord of the Underworld sat down at his cherry-wood desk, pulling his iPad out of the top drawer. Opening up his records, he searched for the name "Dorothy Gale," and a result came up for an Underworld resident named, "Emily Brown." He realized that this was Auntie Em, who owned Underbrooke's second-most-popular eatery.
It was likely that Ruby would go in search of Auntie Em, as she was the only person in his realm with a connection to Dorothy. Hades would have to simply deal with her before the heroes arrived.
Racking his brain, he recalled that Auntie Em was most famous for the soup that she served.
"Oh, how perfect!" he chuckled aloud as an idea struck him. He looked over at the River of Lost Souls, which glowed green as ever. Cerberus seemed to take note of his master's excitement, and perked up his ears, whimpering quietly.
Patting his dog on the heads, Hades grabbed a decanter from his bar and crouched down next to the river. He placed the mouth of the decanter towards the flowing waters, which promptly filled the vessel.
All Hades needed now was a decent soup recipe so he could smuggle his deadly water into Auntie Em's food. Sadly, he didn't have many recipes of his own.
He reached for the phone on his desk to start asking around when he remembered that he ordered Cruella to remove all phones from Underbrooke. Sighing, Hades donned his fashionable coat and teleported away in a column of blue flames.
"Cruella!" Hades said as he rematerialized into the mayoral office.
"Hades!" Cruella jumped violently, dropping and shattering her champagne flute. "You startled me!"
"I apologize," he said affably, picking up the bottle from Cruella's desk. "Shame to let a good vintage go to waste."
"Indeed," Cruella agreed, checking herself for stray shards of glass. "I've removed the telephones as you requested. Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"As a matter of fact," Hades began, "I'm looking for a soup recipe, and I thought you might have one."
"A soup recipe?" Cruella laughed incredulously. "Hades, darling, do I look like a girl who spends hours toiling over a hot stove? Why would you ask me for cooking advice?"
Hades frowned. "True, I suppose you are useless, domestically speaking."
"Why not ask the Blind Witch?" the mayor inquired. "She would have been a much more logical choice."
"I don't want those pesky heroes to know what I'm up to, and they go in there all the time."
"Okay," Cruella pondered. "What about Cora? She has far humbler backgrounds than I have. She might have a few ideas."
"Cora, Cora, Cora," Hades shook his head, his voice lowering into that of a menacing whisper. "I'm sick of hearing about Cora all the time. I see no reason for her to be a part of this little quest."
"Fair enough," Cruella chuckled. "I think you might have to make something from scratch. What is your game, darling?"
"My reasons are my own," Hades snapped secretively. "Let's just say I need to make a certain someone disappear using water from a certain river."
"I suppose you can't just put the water in a premade soup tureen?" Cruella suggested.
Hades scoffed. "You lack finesse, Cruella. No, that would be clumsy. And if people start liquefying left and right, I might not hit my target."
Cruella shrugged, her short, mink coat briefly revealing her angular shoulders as she raised them. "Then I suppose your only option is to make a new soup from scratch, darling."
"Good talk," Hades said, spreading his arms and teleporting away.
Hades appeared just inside the doors of the Underbrooke Library. Before descending to his lair, he decided to consult to collection of cookbooks found in the building. He consulted the shelf labels until he found section 641.8, which held a number of specialized cookbooks.
He found a somewhat aged-looking, leather-bound book entitled, "Creating Soups for Beginning Cooks," by D. R. Mason. The copyright read that the book was from 1942.
Book in hand, Hades waved his elevator open, descending to his base of operations. In the center of his circular platform, he magically created a counter equipped with Williams-Sonoma cooking utensils and a tasteful, gas stove.
To begin crafting your soup, you must choose a fat and a base.
Hades, trying to create something authentic that one might find in Auntie Em's Kansas home, chose butter and beef stock, both of which he was able to pull from his magical, self-stocking refrigerator.
You must also choose a meat, vegetables, and spices.
Hades retrieved cooked beef, carrots, barley, onions, and celery, placing them on the marble counter. He retrieved a vial of dried rosemary from his ebony spice rack.
Using your soup pot, cook your vegetables and spices in the fat.
With a snap of Hades' fingers, blue flames leapt up from the gas stove. He placed the pot on top and dropped a stick of butter into the copper pot. As soon as the butter was melted evenly, he began dropping the already chopped vegetables into the pot, followed by the rosemary. His lair, for once, was filled with the aroma of caramelizing onions rather than the odor of despair and hopelessness.
Add your base, and meat to the pot.
Hades lazily levitated the beef and beef stock into the pot, which gurgled appreciatively.
Cover and cook for forty-five minutes.
The Lord of the Underworld sighed. He hated having to wait. Sitting in his red leather chair, he magically spun his mirror towards him, and he began to wave through images of what was happening in the Underworld.
First, he decided to look in on Captain Hook, who was deep in conversation with Prince Charming at the Charming's loft apartment. Charming was waxing sentimental about his love and dedication towards his family.
How terribly cliché, Hades thought to himself.
Next, he wondered what the Blind Witch was doing. The cannibal was busy seeing to her many customers. He noticed that the interlopers were nowhere in sight…yet.
He summoned an image of Auntie Em, who seemed to be engaged in a similar manner to the Blind Witch.
Rumplestiltskin was poring over spellbooks in the pawn shop, which Hades also found boring.
Then, he decided he would watch Zelena for a while. Zelena was sitting in her kitchen talking to none other than Belle.
That's interesting, Hades thought.
As they were speaking, Belle stood abruptly and ran to the sink as though to vomit, and Hades promptly returned the mirror to its natural state. He could not abide vomit.
Hades impatiently stalked back over to his counter, where he saw that he still needed to kill about twenty minutes of time before his soup was ready.
Then, he was struck by a deliciously dastardly thought. With a snap of his fingers, one of the haunting telephones appeared on his desk. Sitting in his desk chair, he retrieved his iPad once again to find someone living to haunt.
After scrolling through a list of current Storybrooke residents, he settled on "Moe French."
Lifting the black telephone to his face, he dialed the number for Moe's dreams.
"Mooooeeeeee!" Hades warbled in his creepiest voice. "Your daughter is going to be in the Underworld foooorrrrreeeeevvvveeerrrrr! Mwahahahahahahaha!" He slammed the phone onto the receiver, giggling like a child.
Next, he found the number for Robin Hood's son Roland's dreams. "Roooolaaaaand! Your father was eaten by a three-headed dooooooooooooggg!"
What fun! He thought to himself.
He decided that Leroy would be his next victim. "Leeeeerooooyyyyy! Granny's is going out of business, and you're going to starve to deeeeeaaaaaatthh!"
Determining that he had created enough mischief in the peaceful sleep of the living, Hades returned to see that there were only twenty-one seconds left on the kitchen sun-dial timer.
When the timer rang, he lifted the lid off of his creation. The soup smelled delicious! Cerberus, smelling the beef, came barreling over, panting excitedly. Hades spooned out a few cubes of beef to feed each of his mouths. Sated, the beast returned to his cushiony bed.
"And now," Hades said dramatically, "It's time to kick it up a notch!" He held his decanter of River of Lost Souls water aloft and poured it dramatically into the pot as a preacher might pour sacramental wine into a chalice. "Voila!" he exclaimed, recovering his soup and teleporting with it to Auntie Em's kitchen.
Auntie Em was having a long day. As always, the demand for her food was high, and she struggled to make it around to all of her customers while maintaining her trademark friendly demeanor. After all, if she wasn't going to be pleasant, what was stopping her patrons from going to that insane witch downtown?
She finally had a free moment to sit down and have some lunch. Wiping her sweaty hands on her apron, she walked into her kitchen, where she received quite a surprise.
"Lord Hades!" Auntie Em exclaimed.
"Oh, so sorry to sneak in," Hades said, raising his hands as though they had been caught in a cookie jar. "I was hungry, and I didn't want to disturb your patrons. I was craving some of your soup."
Auntie Em felt slightly bad for Hades. He was her evil overlord, but every creature had its troubles.
"Lord Hades, you're always welcome to come in here! You may be the Lord of the Underworld, but you're a customer same as anyone when you come in here."
Hades smiled as though he was touched. This is exactly why people like you are so easy to kill, he thought. "Thank you, Auntie Em. You look tired too. Here's a bowl of your soup. I was saving it for myself, but you look hungrier than I am."
Auntie Em beamed, feeling that she may have made a difference in Hades' outlook on life by her simple kindness. "Thank you! You're quite a gentleman."
Hades returned her grin. "You take a break for a little while and eat your soup. I'll go sit down and order off the menu like a proper customer." Offering a tiny wave, he left the kitchen and Auntie Em.
Cruella de Vil felt her hair fan out as she rapidly descended the elevator to Hades' lair. It was dusk, and he had summoned her for a meeting.
Hades was in his usual chair, enjoying a nice cognac and listening to selections from Shostakovich. "Cruella! The soup was a smashing success!" He gestured to a mason jar containing murky, white water on the table next to him.
"Excellent trick, darling." Cruella smiled evilly. "Keeping the old bat as a table decoration?"
"No, I'm saving it for someone before I pour it into the river," Hades said cryptically.
"So why am I down here at this ghastly hour?"
"I want your opinion?" Hades said, suddenly businesslike. "Do you think I should write a cookbook?"
"Hmmmm…." Cruella thought. "I don't suppose it could hurt…"
"Unless you're Auntie Em," Hades grinned subversively.
Cruella smiled as well. "You're right! I love it! What will you call it?"
Hades pretended to think about it, but he had formulated the title hours ago. "How about, Recipes from the Real Hell's Kitchen?"
"Perfect, darling!" Cruella laughed.
THE END
Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed my bit of fun. Please follow, favorite, and review.