My Immortal
May 22, 2012
I'm so tired of being here
I sat at Carly's kitchen table. Spencer was sitting next to me. We stared at the couch. Well, not exactly the couch but who was on it. Carly and Freddie; lip locked. Spencer coughed, and then I cleared my throat, and still, nothing. It was like we'd been forgotten. It had happened before and it would happen again. When I was little, my dad forgot about my birthday. He left after that. Carly remembered that I wasn't as popular as she would ever be. She stole my boyfriend after that. And my mom had completely forgotten about me altogether. She left for Vegas after that.
Suppressed by all my childish fears
I pulled my knees up against my chest, pushing them against the edge of the table. I wanted to scream at them; yell; cry out that I still loved him... But I wouldn't.
And if you have to leave; I wish that you would just leave
He told me he would never leave me. He said he would always care for me and love me like no other girl. 'You liar' I thought. Look where he was after all those "promises".
"I'll always be there" he told me. "I'll be your guy and love you until the sun burns out" what an idiot I was to believe him. I was like a dog who was getting belly scratches every five seconds. Weak, vulnerable, and pathetic. That's who I was. That's who I am. I relied on Freddie to hold my arm crossing the path of life. I wasn't supposed to. I'm Sam Puckett. I DO NOT need some guy to care for me. Or at least that's what I thought. When Freddie and I started to see each other as more than frenimies, I fell in love. And now, I've learned better. Never again will I love another.
'Cause your presence still lingers here.
Okay so we broke up. Because of Carly. We overheard her talking about how you shouldn't try to push a relationship that you have with someone and try to force it into something else. After overhearing that, we could only know she was talking about us. We mutually broke up in an elevator after that. Then we had a midnight make out session behind her apartment building. That was the last time I saw him without Carly holding his hand.
I got up from the table and let myself out the back door. Nobody noticed that I left. As usual. I took an elevator down to the ground level. I had walked the path in the lobby more times than I could count, hand in hand with someone I had loved for a long time.
And it won't leave me alone.
He played with my brain. By lying. By breaking my heart. By dating my best friend. Although he ignored me most of the time now days, mentally he wouldn't go away. I still loved him.
I was so caught up with my memories; I didn't realize I was home until my hand found the doorknob. I pushed the door open to our apartment, to find that my mom was still in Vegas with her boyfriend of the week, again. But that did not deter me. I passed through our apartment, slowly staring at my surroundings. We lived on the other side of town, not in those fancy apartments, or expensive neighborhoods. Still I tried to make our small apartment as comfortable as possible, but yet, it was just another apartment in our building; bland, colorless, with eggshell walls. I head straight for the bathroom, wanting nothing more but to wash the days away, to make the pain go away.
These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real
When I got to the bathroom, I pulled up the sleeve of the green striped shirt I was wearing to reveal bruises on my left arm. Some of them were from my mom, others, were from my pinching myself as in hopes of focusing on physical pain, rather than mental. It didn't work very often. The pain I was feeling was way worse than I could ever hurt myself.
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Carly never liked us dating. She was always jealous. She wanted Freddie because I was dating him. It was a thing with Carly. She always wanted something someone else had. And she always got what she wanted.
And then there was Freddie. I really thought he loved me. Or maybe he was just a good actor. I guess I will never know. When we broke up, I cried. I cried so hard that my mom made an effort to comfort me before she left.
"it's okay Sammie, I know it hurts right now, but it will all get better in time, I promise" she said. But she was wrong. There's too much in our relationship that time can't heal, take away or erase. Too much that was coming. See during that make out session, we did some um... stuff and then, I was pregnant. That was about a month before. I hadn't even told Carly yet. Or anyone for that matter. Not that I wanted to tell Carly, I couldn't get over the fact that she took Freddie away from me. It was her fault we broke up in the first place. It was her fault I was pregnant. I couldn't afford abortion, and giving It away was not an option. I'd get too attached in the nine months.
I wasn't scared, well, maybe a little. I didn't really want to be a parent; there was so much I still wanted to do with my life. Got to college, get a good job, and get married. Ah who am I kidding? I was horrified.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
I thought we were perfect for each other. Two eighteen year olds, holding on, dreaming of a time where there were no jealous best friends and no over-protective mothers. Freddie told me that I was really the only one he could relate with. He told me everything, even if I had to pressure it out of him. He and I brought the best out of each other.
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
He flipped out at me sometimes, and I can only pretend that I didn't do the same. Don't get me wrong, we loved each other, but some days, I wanted to sell him to a mob. I knew his dark secrets, and he knew all of mine. There was nothing I couldn't tell him. Those days when we were at each others throats, we'd be screaming at each other and then I'd grab him and we'd kiss and everything would be okay.
And I held your hand through all of these years
We pulled each other along, helping the other heal, and teach them to love again after neither of us had anything happy in our lives. When we'd hold hands we'd stand against the world as one. As a whole.
But you still have all of me
I looked at myself in the mirror, only to see a ghost of who I used to be. The happiness had been drained away from my face, leaving it blank and colorless. I was horrible looking. Like when we were together, I had something worth being pretty for. But then, I was just another, useless human being.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
I pulled my sleeve back down and ran to my room. I couldn't stay there another minute. Never another minute in Seattle. I grabbed my suitcase from underneath my bed, throwing in my clothes, happy memories and everything I had left of myself. I zipped up my suitcase, grabbed a pen and a notepad and scribbled my mom a note in case she she ever came back from Vegas which was unlikely. Then I grabbed my keys and ran out to my car, shoving my suitcase in the trunk. I got in the car and slammed the door, putting the keys in ignition and drove as fast as I could out of Seattle.
Freddie was gone. He was with Carly. He was never coming back for me.
But though you're still with me
I drove and drove for days on end. Not really caring where I was. When I passed the Colorado border from New Mexico, I stopped driving. I pulled over crying. I missed him. If he was mine, he would have dragged me back to Seattle a LONG time ago. Now it was just me.
I've been alone all along.
He never cared. He used me to get to Carly. He used me. He used me. He used me.