A/N: I've had this story sitting around for MONTHS; I'm ready to finally finish it for once.
"It's over, it's over."
The words came out in soothing whispers as she held onto him.
Fingers remained tightly curled and her palm pressed hard against the back of his right shoulder as she kept him firmly anchored to her- as she wrinkled his thin shirt in her grasp.
Her other hand, in contrast, gently cupped the back of his neck; fingers slightly trembling against his heated, wet skin.
She could feel how tense his body remained.
She could feel the heavy tremors that violently shook him as he struggled to keep the attack under control; as he remained locked in her grasp, tightly held in her arms.
...
STEM had affected him on a far greater scale than Juli had previously thought- probably more so than anyone else who had survived from that psychological torture machine. Although to say it like that implied that there had been previous survivors in the first place. Which was, unfortunately, untrue. At least, no one who had survived from that specific strain of STEM; the one that grew into the Hell that it was after Ruben's death.
It was a miracle that Joseph had survived STEM in the first place, let alone the multitude of attacks that had targeted him in there.
Each attack had left him both physically and mentally weaker than the last, but... he had managed to pull through to the end. He managed to survive long enough to escape from the machine- which came to the surprise, and relief, of both her and Sebastian.
There were times where they were both certain that Joseph wasn't going to survive- that he had lost too much blood, or that his body had taken too much trauma to continue. And, despite their reluctance in admitting to it..., they both knew what would have to be done if it came down to it.
Killing him inside of STEM would also mean killing him outside of it, but... that was the only merciful way. It was the only way to ensure that both his physical and subconscious states died together- without being forcibly separated by STEM.
Otherwise, he would be no different from the Haunted who roamed STEM looking for a way out.
...
Thankfully, those plans never came to fruition, and both she and Sebastian avoided the nightmares that would've surely followed.
Instead, the three of them emerged from STEM completely intact- at least, for the most part.
Juli supposed it had been foolish to think that they could escape it at all.
There were pieces of that nightmare world embedded like glass in Joseph's subconscious, and, at any given moment, they would seize up and try to take control... much like it had before. Much like when STEM had forced him to wrap his hands around their necks in a desperate bid to stop them- to kill them.
It resulted in him getting these... attacks, these 'relapses' from STEM.
Each one was strikingly different from the last, but they all carried the same hazards; they were dangerous to try and suppress. They put an unbearable amount of strain on his body in an attempt to weaken his willpower and break his grip of control. Sometimes these attacks were easy to deal with, and other times... they became so violent that he would black out and not remember what had happened for the entire duration.
Sometimes he would wake up with blood drawn from his own body, and no recollection of why he would carve symbols and patterns into his skin.
Unfortunately, those were the easiest aftermaths to pick up the pieces from.
It was easy to heal physical wounds; it was easy to wash away blood and gently wrap up broken skin.
...
Sometimes it was like he had never escaped STEM to begin with.
...
Still, despite the risk of further injuring himself, despite the impossible amount of stress it inflicted on him, Joseph continued to fight against the black outs and relapses.
Despite the physical pain and mental agony it put him in, he continued to fight against the roots that STEM had embedded in his head.
...
He was tired of constantly being at war with himself.
He was tired of suffering through the same mental torture game again and again... but he refused to lose.
He was adamant about not letting STEM win- not this time, and not ever again.
And Juli hated to admit that, in this ongoing moment, this was one of his more successful attempts at fighting back.
Her grip on Joseph tightened as Juli pulled him in closer to her; she could feel every muscle in his back and shoulders straining as the relapse attacked his entire body. His fingertips had bruised and nearly bloodied themselves as they curled tightly against the hardwood floor next to her.
She could feel every struggled breath that had escaped him turn hot against her neck.
She could feel how he had to fight to keep breathing through the rigorous pain that was all in his head.
...
There were risk that were involved with getting close to him like this during one of these attacks- she knew that. Juli was fully aware that he could, potentially, slip and lose control; that he could lose full control against the fragments of STEM just this one time. And all it would take was just one instance of losing complete, utter control and... he would be gone; there would be no returning from it.
Because she knew how much it would kill him if he woke up to perfectly placed bruises around her neck.
She knew how much it would hurt him to realize that he was capable of hurting either her or Sebastian.
... And that was where she knew they would lose him.
But she hated having to sit back and feel useless.
She hated having to try and ignore what was going on.
She hated having to settle with just hoping that maybe he could fight it off just one more time.
These attacks varied in frequency; they never had a set pattern, and they were never triggered by just one thing. They were unpredictable and they could change on a whim with little to no explanation for why.
Sometimes they could start and abruptly end just thirty seconds later.
Sometimes he could go days- weeks if he was lucky- between attacks.
But when they did flare up and stick around... it was never pretty.
Because while there were ones that only lasted thirty seconds, there were also attacks that would last hours at a time. There were relapses that would mentally and physically drain him to the point of exhaustion; there were ones that would leave him struggling to breathe and needing days to recover from the inflicted agony.
And, as things would happen, by the time he suitably recovered from the tortured experience... another relapse would strike and ruin him all over again.
It wasn't uncommon for two attacks to strike within the same day. Although, typically, the second one would have more of an aftershock effect, where it would continuously haunt him throughout the day. Sometimes it wouldn't erupt into a full blown attack, but... rather stick around like a pair of unpleasant hands around his neck.
...
Joseph wasn't stupid though; she knew that.
She knew he could tell the difference between what was real and... what belonged to whatever kind of hallucination the fragmented pieces of STEM could conjure up.
But Juli also knew that those hallucinations, those visions, were strong. They were powerful and incredibly convincing, and no matter how tenacious someone was... it was easy to be a victim when you simply couldn't fight back.
They were hallucinations, but... when he was locked inside of the fragmented memories of that world, it was real.
The panic, the fear... even the pain.
And she knew that he was seeing something that he couldn't fight back against. During these attacks, when he was locked inside of his own corrupted mind, he was always helpless and blind; he had no other choice but to withstand whatever mental torture might be inflicted upon him. At best, he could only hope and pray that he would come out of it in one stable piece.
...
In that world, Joseph could feel himself being held down by the strong hands that were wrapped around his neck; he could feel the rough, coarse palms that pressed down heavily against his throat.
He could feel the barbed wire that was forced underneath his skin, and he could feel the short, serrated edges shredding him open from the inside.
He could feel the warm blood, that wasn't actually there, spilling over his skin in thick, crimson tides.
He could feel his lungs choking, not under the pressure of suffocation, but rather from the blood that was filling them as well.
He could see himself being ripped into- being ripped apart.
And he can't fight back- he never could.
He could only suffer through it.
...
As much of a relief as it was when the hallucinations were over... it was never easy to adjust to the aftermath. He would still live in that perpetual state of mental trauma that rolled over into physical pain. Because as fragmented as they were, those pieces of STEM could trick his mind into thinking his body was in agony- that his body had actually been ripped apart..., and his brain never knew the difference.
"It's over, it's over."
Juli continued to whisper, allowing the words to come out in a calming rush for the both of them. She was almost certain there were bruises on his skin from where she had dug her fingers into him- desperate to prove to herself that he was still with her. But she could feel the tension that had locked up his body slowly coming undone- she could feel him slowly beginning to relax in her hold.
"It's over, you're okay... I'm right here."
It felt like full minutes passed on before he finally seemed able to believe her.
Juli heard the quiet way he gasped as everything slowly began to fall back into place for him.
For now, he was no longer trapped in that nightmare world that circulated inside of his head; he wasn't being split apart or bled out...
No, he was right here with her.
Joseph was safely tucked inside of her arms with the both of them on the hardwood floor of his bedroom. And, while she couldn't remember the exact chain of events that brought them here, it didn't matter to her.
Her legs and back ached from sitting in the same position for so long, but it was all well worth the pain.
She felt the subtle way he fell heavily against her now, and how one arm briefly moved to wrap around her slender body. She couldn't help but to feel relief as he rested his head more prominently against her shoulder.
Closing her eyes, Juli gave out a sigh as she gently moved her fingers through his dark hair.
"You're okay..."
...
She needed him to know that- even if he didn't believe it himself.
He needed to know that he was okay, and that he would be okay no matter how bad things got.
...
There was no response, but she felt his fingers curl against her back as though to acknowledge what she had said.
And it was better than nothing.
Juli let him use her for physical support for however long he needed to; she quietly passed the time by trailing her fingers up and down the back of his neck. His skin was hot to the touch which, given the circumstances, was normal. She just had to be careful to keep her touch light so that it wouldn't irritate him- not that he would ever tell her that it did.
If anything, she was just glad that he was still allowing her to touch him and that his skin didn't burn at the smallest of contacts.
...
Eventually, she felt Joseph's hands move to rest against her thighs, before he slowly pulled himself away from her.
He looked utterly exhausted, but... he was still fighting.
He was still with her, even if the raw scars on his skin tried to dictate otherwise.
His eyes were still slightly unfocused and there were dark rings underneath them- although those had been there for a few days now. And it was almost impossible to not notice every stress line that strayed around his eyes, making them appear almost hollow.
Juli reached forward and brushed her fingers against his damp bangs as she gently smoothed them back into place.
For now, the only side effect he seemed to have was the minor fever that left a soft flush across his skin.
There was no involuntary shaking, or extreme disorientation- or even severe vomiting.
So, thankfully, this would be one of his more tamed cooling down periods- which was rare for him to have.
"I'm fine," Joseph finally spoke, his voice sounded rough, but for what it was worth it sounded like he meant it.
Juli heard him give a shaky sigh and watched as he pinched the bridge of his nose- exposing the way his hand shook as he did so.
It was hard to believe how calm and collective he could be sometimes.
"I just... I need to distract myself with something."
With a relapse like the one he just had, more than likely there would be another, shorter, one to follow. It didn't happen often, but sometimes he seemed to know when he was safe from a second attack or not... And right now, he knew that he wasn't. But, very rarely, if he could preoccupy himself with something, anything, then he could keep the aftershock at ease, or somehow hinder its severity.
Which usually meant that he would go back to working on whatever files had been brought back from the office.
Which also meant that he would forcibly mentally exhaust himself by working for hours at a time without taking a break.
...
His last 'distraction' had lasted close to fourteen hours, and he nearly put himself into greater danger by doing so.
Juli watched him close his eyes for a moment and watched as he briefly dropped his head forward.
He was still exhausted from fighting... She didn't think he could distract himself even if he wanted to- or had to for that matter.
Her fingers brushed through his hair once more, carefully sculpting it back into place, before she cupped her hands against his jaw. Her thumbs traced small circles against his flushed cheeks before she slowly pulled him to her and leaned down to press her lips to his.
They were still warm and they trembled briefly at the touch.
Joseph had to have been a little disoriented still, but he gave in to her almost immediately.
She felt one of his hands move to brush against her cheek and the heat of his skin reminded her to cherish the touch; although she had to admit that she preferred the cooling graze of his leather gloves sometimes.
But he was kissing her back and, right now, that was all she cared for.
Just light, non-committed kisses that ended almost as soon as they started- allowing them to breathe once between each one.
...
She dropped one hand to his waist as fingers briefly tangled in his thin shirt, before she slowly pulled it up enough for her hand to slip under. He was warm all over and she felt him shudder lightly as fingertips trailed up along his bare side.
"What are you doing?" Joseph whispered; his question coming out between different embraces.
"You said you needed a distraction," Juli replied, as her other hand gradually slipped to the back of his neck before she pulled him to her once again. She held him long and slow, finally allowing for the embrace to break lips; even his mouth was hot against hers. She felt the corners of her lips twitch as Joseph softly moaned at the subtle actions of her tongue on his, before she pulled away. "This is healthier than sitting in the dark reading reports all night."
Joseph pulled her to him this time.
And this time, she was the one left softly moaning when he drew away.
"We can't... I can't do this."
Juli recognized the tone in his voice and felt his hand drop away from her cheek.
...
On a small degree, he was scared.
He was exhausted and stressed- and in a situation like this, he couldn't be certain that he was thinking clearly. And while it wasn't a terrible proposition, and while she wasn't wrong that it would certainly be better than reading reports for the next ten hours..., he couldn't trust himself.
He wouldn't trust himself.
Juli gradually let her hands fall to rest on his thighs, mimicking his position now, before she leaned forward and gently rested herself against his shoulder. His breathing had finally evened out and she suspected he was finally calm again- or at least as calm as he could get now and days.
She felt Joseph hesitate for a moment, before he slowly wrapped his arm back around her; his fingers tangling in her thin shirt once more.
"You'll be okay," Juli started, as she moved one hand to his chest and slowly pressed out the wrinkles in his shirt.
"What if I have another attack?" Joseph asked, fingers drawing circles against her spine now. "... What if I try to hurt you?"
"Then I guess I wasn't distracting you enough," she offered.
"I'm serious."
She knew he was.
And she knew that he would get up and leave this situation if he honestly believed he would be a threat to her.
...
But he had yet to do so.
And Juli questioned whether that was based on him being somewhat convinced by her that he would be okay..., or if it was out of some desperate need for a renewed sense of humanity.
She wasn't the best choice for that though- her touch on humanity had been broken a long time ago.
...
But he just needed something to remind him of why he struggled through each attack; he needed something to remind him of why he shouldn't let go even when the need to was overwhelming.
And just the same, despite how violent these attacks could be at times, there had never been a single incident where he had inadvertently hurt either her or Sebastian during one; if anything, he hurt himself more during them.
Joseph had the occasional nightmares where he saw himself killing them in vivid detail- and often times, it was so realistic that he woke up convinced that it had actually happened. He'd wake up covered in a cold sweat, and mistaken it for being blood- their blood. And he would seek them out, no matter the time of day or night, just to make sure it wasn't real- just to make sure he hadn't gone crazy and done something against his will.
And, as naive and dangerous as it was to think, she knew he would never hurt them.
...
The touch of her hands brought him warmth instead of pain, and that seemed to be enough.
Juli pulled away before she brought her lips to his own once again.
This time, she gently brushed against them, savoring their heat, before she moved to the corner of his lips- feeling the slight way they twitched underneath her touch. Her hands moved to his jaw as she gently pulled him down to her, moving her lips to his upper one, before she skirted kisses against his cheek. Despite his earlier reluctance, Joseph easily moved with her hands, providing her with the comfort that he wanted this to continue.
She brushed lips to the bridge of his nose, briefly lingering there, before she gently turned his head to one side- touching lips just underneath his right eye. She felt his fingers drift further up her back with each kiss, and felt his warm breath pooling against her neck.
"You'll be okay."
Joseph shuddered before his hands moved to cup her face, before he pulled her to his lips instead.
And she felt him kiss her with this new sense of intensity that told her that she had managed to convince him this one time.
"Nothing's going to happen," Juli assured once more, as her hands grabbed the back of his shirt before she slowly started to drag it up along his torso. "Besides, if something does, I can handle you."
"I don't think that's as reassuring as you think it is."
He pulled her into one more kiss, keeping it short this time, before he let her ease the wrinkling shirt off of him and throw it aside. Her hands pressed against his shoulders as she touched her lips against the curve of his neck, teasing him for only a short moment before she slowly moved up along his throat- leaving a clustered trail of her lipstick on his skin.
She lightly squeezed his shoulders as she felt his hands slowly drop to unbutton the front of her shirt.
"If you're really worried though...," Juli started, whispering against the curve of his jaw as her hands moved to his chest and slowly pushed him back. With some careful maneuvering, she managed to press him back against the cool, hardwood floor underneath them; despite the slight discomfort, she figured it might help to cool his fever down- or at least his skin. "I could always handcuff you."
Joseph only looked slightly surprised that she would bring up such a thing.
"I'll pass."
A light chuckle escaped her as she slowly slipped her legs over his waist and settled herself against his hips- straddling him for the time being. Hands moved to press against his chest once again, before she slowly slid them to his shoulders- leaning her body forward with the motion. "You seemed to enjoy them last time."
Her remark managed to fluster him this time.
"I..."
Juli leaned down and pressed her lips to him, feeling how his hands moved to tangle in her short hair. He was always so gentle at times, and she heard herself quietly moan as his fingers pressed and massaged against the base of her skull.
Her hands moved to cup his face, forcing her to rest her forearms on his chest, before she tilted his head back.
Her lips dipped downward to brush against the exposed reveal of his throat- catching the shuddered breath that escaped him.
"We should definitely do that again sometime soon," she whispered.
"Did you have to bring that up?" he questioned.
"I said I would distract you, didn't I?"
Joseph gave a weak laugh as his hands moved to tangle in the back of her shirt, before he slowly began to pull it up along her chest; his warm fingertips tracing the dip of her spine as he did so. "Then I guess if I start to lose my mind, than you have my permission to use a pair- not that you would need my word for it."
She humored him with a chuckle at his expense. "You're killing me with this state of power," Juli teased, as she moved her hands to the floor and pushed herself up- at least just enough to slip off her shirt. Tossing the limp material aside, she settled herself back on top of him; bracing her arms next to his head, she let her body lie flat against his own so that they matched chest-to-chest and hip-to-hip. "... You okay?"
His fingers pressed circles against the back of her shoulders as he seemed to be stalling for an answer.
His eyes weren't focused on hers, but when they eventually did look up and meet with her, she knew he was going to answer her truthfully.
"No."
...
She wasn't surprised- but at this point, there was little else she could do.
Everything he was going through was all up to him...
Juli brushed her lips against his throat once more, before she slowly kissed her way down to the dip of his neck. "Kissing you won't solve anything..."
"I'm not complaining."
She smiled briefly. "Of course you're not," she whispered, as she felt his hands trail down along her naked back before she pulled him into one more kiss. His mouth was still warm and she enjoyed the heat it provided, as she felt his fingers carefully unclip the back of her bra. Fingers tugged the loosened straps from her shoulders and skirted them down her arms until she took the initiative to remove and dispose of it.
His hands moved to her waist next and slowly enveloped it as he carefully rolled them onto their sides.
The floorboards were cold against her skin and she felt herself shudder in reaction- although his warm hands did well to make up for it.
Joseph cupped his hands against her jaw as she dragged him to her lips once again, never wanting to let go of them. She pushed her fingers through his hair and grabbed the back of his neck as she held him to her- anchoring him to her.
He returned the gesture by moving his hands to her ribs, and then wrapping her up in his arms- cementing them together.
When they broke for air, he moved to the curve of her neck and she hummed softly at the warm touch of his lips against sensitive skin; she felt the way his hands slowly explored her, feeling the way they curled up against her back.
A quiet breath escaped her as she felt him tuck his head against her shoulder, and carefully held him there, feeling how relaxed his body was now. Any signs of tension or stress had dissipated for the time being.
She fell into the lull of his warm breath against her, of the slow press of his fingertips over her skin; she could feel the shared breath between them, feel how their chests and lungs moved in one motion.
They held each other for what felt like long minutes, never moving and simply taking in one another's heat.
...
Until the situation became clear to her.
Juli had to fight back a quiet laugh as she looked to see where Joseph had, instead, fallen asleep against her.
For the first time, possibly ever, she was actually glad to have someone fall asleep while they were... starting things up. Joseph desperately needed sleep more than he needed her, and if the sudden rush of exhaustion had to hit him now, than so be it.
At least it had been now and not further down the line.
Still trying to cut back on the need to laugh, she carefully worked herself out from his arms- and managed to do so without waking him up. She grabbed her bra and shirt from nearby and quickly re-dressed; she smiled lightly and watched him as she did so, admiring the subtle sense of contentment on his face.
He would be too heavy for her to carry, but she didn't exactly like the idea of leaving him on the floor.
But she had slept on the floor plenty of times before in her life, so she knew how to make the experience halfway decent.
Briefly getting to her feet, Juli reached over him and carefully yanked the covers off of his bed, before she laid them over him. He didn't so much as stir at the gesture- not even when she slowly fitted a pillow underneath him. Part of her was somewhat surprised that he didn't wake, but somehow she knew not to be; hell, at this point, she wouldn't be surprised if he stayed asleep for the next few days.
She made sure he was semi-comfortable, before she got to her feet and walked around the room- making sure all the blinds and curtains were drawn closed. He slept best in pitch darkness, which she always thought was odd since she liked to have a little bit of light somewhere; then again, in her younger years, it was always safer to have one on.
...
She stayed and watched him for a short while, just to make sure a nightmare didn't stir up, before she quietly stepped out of the room.