FINAL FANTASY UNITED
"Chaos has returned. The space-time continuum has warped; causing all the worlds to merge. The servants of Chaos have kidnapped all protagonists…"
"Except Us!"
"We are the few lone survivors of the Protagonist kidnapping…"
"We are a band of three mighty Protagonists!"
"We are a rebellion of three awesome heroes!"
"And we are…The New Light Warriors!"
"Cloud Strife! Guardian of the Life-stream…and orphans!"
"Zidane Tribal! The Tailed Thief!"
"Lightning! The only girl on the team!"
"Seriously!?" Lightning said, "You guys get descriptions and all I get is "The only girl on the team!?""
"Sorry, babe," Zidane said, "we couldn't think of one…"
"I AM NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!" Lightning replied, angrily.
"Quiet, you two!" Cloud interrupted, "Someone's coming!" They were currently hiding in an abandoned building in Area 9; the part of the world representing FFIX.
The trio fled their hideout as an Esthar Soldier walked by.
"We can't keep running, you guys..." Cloud said.
"Yeah, we need to fight back," Lightning said.
"Then it's settled," Cloud said, "Today we stop running and start fighting!"
The team donned basic armor and weapons, since their usual items were in possession of Chaos' minions. They then calculated the weakest Chaos Fortress to attack. They had decided the best one to attack would be a small fort in Area 6 guarded by some Goblins.
"Come on guys!" Zidane said, "The New Light Warriors are about to make an appearance!"
"Shut it, Zidane!" Cloud whispered, "We're trying to be stealthy!"
The team snuck into the fort and beat any Goblin or other enemy who had a chance to find them.
"I wonder what the boss is." Zidane said.
"What do you mean?" Lightning asked.
"Well, every fortress has a boss," Zidane explained, "You have to beat them to beat the place. What kind of gamer are you?"
"Just shut up!" Cloud said.
"Fine!" Zidane replied.
They entered a room as an Esthar soldier jumped out, which Cloud slashed.
They then entered a room with sand on the floors and cacti all around the edges.
"I got a bad feeling about this…" Zidane quoted.
As they entered they room's centre, the cacti all began shaking.
"Uh oh!" Cloud exclaimed, "Cactuars!"
The Cacti hopped out of the ground and walked up to attack the heroes, who defeated them with ease.
"I forgot how weak Cactuars are." Lightning remarked.
The team approached the boss chamber.
"I think this is the boss chamber," Zidane said.
No duh! I just said that!
"How can you tell?" Cloud asked.
"Well it says "Boss Chamber" on the door," Lightning said.
They entered the room only to find Chaos and other villains like Sephiroth, Seymour Natus and Kuja.
"Well, well, well…" Chaos said, "If it isn't our old friends, Protagonists!"
"Alright, Chaos!" Cloud said, "Let's battle!"
"I am sorry, Protagonists," Chaos replied, "But I really must be going! Hahaha-hahahahaha! Hahaha-hahahahaha!"
Chaos and the antagonists left.
"Hey, Protagonists!" Chaos said, "We got you a little gift…"
The Four Turks fell out of the sky.
"Who the HELL are they!?" Zidane yelled.
"The Turks," Cloud said, "An Elite team in charge of Shinra's dirty work. Reno, Tseng, Elena, and Rude."
FYI: Just for added humour the Turks will have their personalities from Final Fantasy VII Abridged, not the real game. Again, just for humorous purposes.
"Shin-what?" Lightning asked.
"Later!" Cloud said, "Now I guess its killin' time!"
"Did you say it's Krillin time?" Zidane asked, standing next to Krillin (from Dragon Ball series).
"No, of course he didn't!" Lightning said, "Why would you even consider that a possibility!? I mean, why the Hell would we even need him!?"
Zidane and Krillin start moping. Cloud then attacked Krillin and sent him flying through the roof as a sign that said "Krillin Pwn count: 1" appeared.
"Wait a minute; we're outnumbered 4 to 3! That's not fair" Zidane said.
"Yeah, we-well you guys have three good protagonists on your team," Reno said.
"Tseng then informs the heroes that Cloud has single-handedly beaten us," Tseng narrated for himself.
"One at a time!" Cloud added.
"That's enough, you're goin' down! The Turks are gonna beat you clowns!" Rude rapped.
"What is wrong with you guys!?" Zidane yelled.
"For God's sake!" Cloud yelled, "Are we gonna fight or not!?"
"O-okay, if you want," Reno said.
"Finally some real action!" Zidane yelled.
The battle began, "Fight on!" (From FFVII) started playing.
Zidane attacked first, targeting Rude.
"Take that, suckah!" He said.
Cloud went next, attacking Tseng.
Lightning then attacked Reno, and Rude attacked Cloud, whose limit meter increased.
Tseng attacked Zidane with his gun, who dodged it.
Lightning dodged Elena's attack.
Reno attacked Cloud also.
Zidane attacked Reno, defeating him.
Cloud somehow got a Limit Break now, and used Braver on Tseng, defeating him.
Lightning attacked Elena, and Rude attacked Zidane, who dodged.
Zidane attacked Elena, defeating her.
Cloud finished off Rude, with a final attack.
"Sweet," Zidane said, "We won! Now what?"
"We rescue the captured Protagonist from that cage over there," Cloud answered.
Cloud slashed open the cage door, and out came Squall Leonhart, main protagonist of Final Fantasy VIII.
"Hey Squall," Cloud said, "Welcome back."
"Join the party, we have cookies!" Zidane said.
"Do you really?" Squall asked.
"No."
"Whatever, I'll join."
"Yes!"
Squall has joined the Party!
"Now what again?" Zidane asked.
"We blow up the base!" Cloud said.
Cloud went to the power core room and planted the bomb, then came back.
"I set us up the bomb," Cloud said, "We have exactly 5 minutes to escape."
The others "went into" Cloud. (Because that's how these games work)
Cactuar room
"4:21"
As Cloud progressed, he walked really slowly.
"Cloud," Squall said, "you may want to hurry it up."
Hallway
"3:29"
"Cloud!" Lightning said, "Hurry it up! We've still got 5 floors to go!"
Elevator
"2:53"
"CLOUD I SWEAR IF WE DON'T DIE FROM THIS BOMB I WILL KILL YOU MYSELF IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP!" Zidane said.
Meanwhile, Cloud completely ignored his allies.
Entrance hall
"1:10"
"I swear, Lord," Zidane said, "I'll change my ways and become better, I swear!"
Outside
"1:01"
"I—I'm free!" Zidane said as they all ran out, separately, passing Cloud, "Get the hell out of my way, Slowpoke Rodriguez!" He also accidentally knocked down Lightning.
Cloud stopped to help her up.
"Thank you," Lightning said.
"I recommend we go, like NOW!" Cloud replied.
They ran as the building blew up.
"What?" Squall said, "The timer said we had a whole minute left, how were we cutting it that close?"
"Oh," Cloud said, "I set the bomb to detonate remotely…"
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?" Zidane said.
"What," Cloud said, "you think I'd risk getting caught in the explosion?"
They all glared at Cloud.
"U Mad?"