'Oh God,'
She awoke to a familiar green face, Thane's face. His breathing slow and quiet, his strong arms wrapped around her waist. All of their clothing had been removed and both their bodies were sweaty and sticky.
'Oh God, please no…'
The feeling of shame had washed over her so suddenly, so quickly. She almost hated herself for what she had done. How could she have let herself fallen this far down?
'Oh God, I couldn't have…?'
Without disturbing his slumber, she made her way to her bathroom and took a shower. She had hoped that she could wash away the shame and guilt, but it was never that simple. It was punishment and she had to see it through to the end.
'I'm so sorry, forgive me for my sins.'
Looking at her reflection in the steamy mirror, she couldn't even recognize herself. It was sickening. No matter how much she may have liked it. It was sinful. How could she let herself love another when she already had Kaidan head over heels for her? She didn't care if what he said on Horizon hurt her, she knew deep inside that he was never able to handle such buried feelings especially after watching her burn with the original Normandy. When she walked out of the bathroom, she saw the picture of Kaidan on her desk. His brown eyes almost seemed like they were staring into her guilty soul. She couldn't take it. She turned the picture face down to avoid his glance.
'I'm so sorry for giving in to pain,'
Thane understood her, just like Kaidan, except he knew what it was like to be 'dead.' He had a family once, a wife that died because of his job and a son that never really had a father figure to go by. Despite never having settled down, she understood his pain and wanted to be there for him. In return, he wanted to be there for her as well.
'I'm so sorry for giving in to loneliness,'
Without Kaidan, she felt alone. She had given part of herself to him back on Ilos because she loved him. Half of her felt empty without him on the Normandy like back when they were up against Saren. She noticed that Thane had also felt such loneliness after his wife died. It was then that they started warming up to each other, trying to comfort each other.
'I'm so sorry for giving in to lust,'
The night before they went through the Omega 4 relay, Thane had visited her room. He shared with her that he was now afraid of death when he had been preparing for it all this time, admitting that it was because he was afraid of leaving her—his siha. She watched as he started to cry. She felt pained. She felt like she needed somebody—no, he needed somebody. With a hand cupping his green-scaled cheek, she pulled Thane into a passionate kiss.
"Thane, be alive with me tonight."
'I didn't mean to hurt you,'
A year had passed since she had seen both Kaidan and Thane. The first she had seen when she was back on Alliance grounds was the last person she wanted to see since that fateful night, Kaidan. He started a small, awkward conversation with her. It was a simple, "Hello, Commander." Nonetheless it made her nervous, nervous that he would bring up the rumor of her and the assassin since pretty much everyone on the Normandy SR2 knew about it (she will never know how they found out so quickly, it was probably Kasumi).
However it wasn't until he was stuck in the hospital when he brought it up.
"I've been hearing something lately… something about you and an assassin." He said it uneasily. It was almost as if he knew what her answer was going to be. She did her best to hold back the tears and managed to swallow the lump in her throat.
"I'm sorry…I- I didn't mean to hurt you, Kaidan." He looked at her sincerely. She was surprised that he was not disgusted. "It's just no matter how much I tried to ignore it, what you said on Horizon always pulled at my heart's strings. It went to a point where I guess I was seeking out someone to share that pain with." There was no doubt in her mind that he was upset about her having intercourse with another man—another species for that matter. However, he held her hand and smiled weakly.
"I'll take blame for this. I forgive you, Shepard. It's my fault for not taking better control of the situation." Once he said that, something in her heart felt at ease. It was like all the guilt and shame had been washed away just like she had wanted to when she had taken that shower. She had been forgiven for her sins and all it took was to be honest with him. That night made her think she had completely lost her chance of ever being together with Kaidan again, but his hand covering hers brought that chance back.
"Thank you, Kaidan…" She muttered softly, letting loose the tears she had been desperately trying to hold back.