Warning: HBP spoilers. Do not read if you haven't finished the book.
This is quite an angsty story and is my version of what happens on Christmas night, after Molly has been giving Lupin a hard time about Tonks. I wrote it really quickly in an attempt to get over the writers block that has stopped me moving on with my Lord of the Rings fic for well over a year. I haven't really gone back and revised it or checked it or anything, so if anyone has any suggestions as to how I can make it better, they will be very welcome.
Disclaimer: I absolutely do not own any of the characters, places or anything else that I have so shamelessly stolen from JK Rowling.
When Love Cannot Be
It was a cold Christmas night in muggle London. In a small cul-de-sac in the north of the city, friends gathered around tables to enjoy each others' company; children sleepily refused to go to bed, even though the hour was late; and young couples disappeared under the duvet, determined to block out everything but one another. An air of contentment lingered everywhere. Well, almost everywhere. In one small flat sat a desperately unhappy young woman, her despair matched only by the wretchedness of the older man who stood beneath her window, desperately trying to get a glimpse of her.
Remus Lupin had left the Burrow earlier that evening in a sombre mood. Molly and Arthur had been making not so subtle comments about Tonks all day. They were unable to accept that he had made his choice and he was not going to change his mind. Since the order had been reformed Molly and Arthur had thought of Tonks as a daughter and so it was quite natural that they would be angry when somebody hurt her and it broke his heart to do it but it had to be this way. Why would they not accept it?
He had intended to simply go for a walk to the end of the lane and back, just to clear his head. But instead he found himself outside her flat, staring up at her window, desperately trying to get a glimpse of her. This was not the first time that he had done this. His mind was so full of her he could not help himself from unconsciously transporting himself to wherever she was. He often found himself sitting in the corner of the Three Broomsticks, hoping to get a glimpse of her, wanting to satisfy his need to look at her face.
Tonight however he just wanted to see that she was alright. He had felt awful when Molly suggested that she would be spending Christmas alone. When she had said that she would not go to the Weasleys' for Christmas, he had just assumed it was because she would be with Andromeda and Ted, or she would be having dinner at the pub with the other Hogsmeade aurors. He had no idea that she was going to shut herself away. He would never have accepted Molly's invitation if he thought it would cause her to be alone at Christmas. He was used to the loneliness. He did not want Tonks to become accustomed to it also.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw a movement up in a window. He quickly raised his eyes, whilst pushing himself further back into the shadows. He wanted to see her, but the last thing she needed was to see him. He was sure that whatever feelings she might have for him would go away if he just stayed away from her. She would move on with her life without him and eventually find what she deserved. She deserved a man her own age, one who was not scarred by lifetime of pain and bitterness.
But what about your feelings? A voice in his head whispered to him. Can you forget her? Can you move on with your life without her? The more he debated this with himself, the more he realised it was unlikely. He willed his inner demons to be quiet, to just give him some peace, but being demons, they were determined to taunt him to madness.
He let out a disappointed sigh when he realised it was not her window but that of her neighbour where the movement had drawn his attention. He knew she was in. He could sense her presence nearby. That was the wolf in him. Even when it was not a full moon his senses were more aware than those of other men, and when she was near him, they went into overdrive. Everything about her made him tingle, like he was receiving a thousand tiny electric shocks.
Suddenly a window opened and something came fluttering out. His heart sped up when he realised that this was her window. He gazed up at the dimly lit room, hoping to see her standing there in the window, but she was not there. He sighed and turned away. He had to resign himself to the fact that he was not going to see her tonight. He was about to apparate back to The Burrow when he realised that the thing that had come fluttering out of her window was now hovering in front of him. He looked closely at it and realised that it was a tiny hummingbird that had been crafted from a piece of carefully folded paper and than charmed so that it flew just like the real thing. He held his hand out to touch it and it flew closer before laying itself down on his outstretched palm and unfurling itself. He noticed that had writing on it. He took hold of it and began to read the note, which was written in Tonks' small, neat handwriting.
Remus
I know you're down there. Please come up. I really want to see you.
Nymphadora
He smiled at this. There was precious little to smile at in this situation but he could not get over the warm feeling he had when she wrote him notes and signed them 'Nymphadora'. He knew how much she hated her given name, but she allowed him to use it. He alone, out of all the people she knew, was allowed to address her with that degree of intimacy.
He knew he should just go home now. Nothing good could come of him going up to her flat, but his feet were not listening to him as he began walking through the front door of the block of flats and up the stairs to the second floor. Before he knew it, he found himself standing outside her front door. He raised his hand to knock before quickly withdrawing it. There was still time to turn around and leave. She may feel a little hurt at what she would consider yet another rejection, but it would be best for her in the end. He had become accustomed to pain; he would not allow her to go through the same thing, no matter what he felt for her.
He was about to turn away, having successfully persuaded himself to leave, when the door swung open. He breathed in deeply as he saw her standing there before him. He had come here tonight just to see with his own eyes that she was alright. He had not prepared himself for the possibility that she might not be, but that is what he was now faced with. Her hair was a mousy brown colour and hung limply around her shoulders which were slumped. Her pale face was gaunt, showing that she was very underweight. Her eyes, which before had held so much sparkle whatever colour they happened to be, were now dull. He tried to meet her gaze but he could not. He had to look away, not believing that the vibrant young woman he had fallen in love with was the shell of a person who now stood before him.
He looked back up to see she had turned her back on him and was walking back into her living room. She had left the door open though, which he took as an invitation to follow her in. He stepped through the door, closed it behind him and walked into the small flat. It seemed different to the last time he was in there. Like its owner, it had lost much of its colour and now seemed to be shrouded in darkness.
He walked into the living room and just stood still for a moment, allowing his eyes to adjust to the darkness in there. Why it was so dark he did not know, the last time he was in there he remembered she was running the place off muggle electricity, which lit the place up like a Christmas tree. He looked around the room, but could see little in the darkness, the only light source was the outside streetlamp. Tonks was sitting on the window seat, her knees up under her chin and her arms wrapped around her too thin body, trying to keep out the bitter December cold. He noticed a shimmering across the window and realised that she had put an illusion charm on the glass which hid her from outside view, explaining why she had seen him standing out there, but he hadn't seen her.
"Why is it so dark in here?" Remus asked, finally breaking the oppressive silence.
"I forgot to pay the electricity bill."
"Oh Tonks," he said sighing. She had always seemed a little absent-minded but she had taken care of herself. He moved over to the mantle and conjured a flame which he put into one of the lamps, lighting up the room. He looked around the room. It looked no different to the last time he was there, it just felt different. "It's cold in here as well."
"The gas got cut off." He sighed once more and moved over to her couch, pulling off a blanket. He did a quick charm to make it warmer before moving over to where she was sitting and draping it over her shoulders. "Thank you," she whispered as she turned her face away from him and pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders. He backed away from her, took a seat on the sofa and allowed the silence to envelop them once more.
Neither could think of a suitable word to say to one another. There was plenty they desperately wanted to say. I love you. I want you. I need you. But these were not words either felt could be uttered. Tonks feared that Remus would run a mile if she made any forthright declarations and as far as Remus was concerned, he knew that the only thing worse than not being with her was being with her. He could live with disappointment and pain, but he would be damned if he was going to allow her to as well.
Eventually Remus couldn't stand the silence any longer "You said you wanted to see me."
"I did. When I saw you hovering about down there I was desperate to get you up here so that I could see you properly. I wanted to make sure that you were well, that nothing had happened to you. I just wanted to look at your face but now…"
"Now?"
"It hurts too much to look into your eyes, knowing what I know."
"What do you know?"
"That you will never change your mind. You'll never let me love you. You'll never love me back." As she said this last part her voice broke and her fragile body heaved as a sob escaped.
Remus did not know what to do. He had never seen her like this before. Just after Sirius' death she had been beside herself. Wracked with guilt and drowning in sorrow, she had poured her heart out to Remus in one night of tears. This was nothing like that night. Even then, when she felt the world was caving in on her, she still had some sense of hope. The spark was still there. This night was different. There was nothing left in her sobs except despair.
He knew he shouldn't, but he did the only thing he could think of, the most natural course of action. He crossed the room to where she sat and pulled her into his embrace. She practically fell into his arms and clung to him tightly, desperate to feel his warmth. He rested his chin on the top of her head and closed his eyes as he felt her body shaking. He could not help but remember the first time he had held her like this and what it had led to.
It was exactly a month after Sirius' death and Tonks had turned up at Grimmauld Place in a mess. She had obviously been crying for some time as her eyes were red and puffy and her make up was smudged from her tears. Just seeing her like that had broken Remus' heart. He had realised that his feelings towards her were more than just friendly some months before this, in fact it was Sirius who had pointed it out to him, but he didn't realise how strong those feelings were until he found himself holding her in his arms. He had promised himself that he would avoid her, that he wouldn't do anything to hurt her but he had not been able to stop himself. When she looked up at him and he found himself gazing into her eyes, which had been a pale grey on that day, he could not stop his face moving closer and his lips brushing against hers. Rather than pulling away in revulsion, as he expected her to do, she had returned the action, putting her arms around his neck and deepening the kiss.
That night had been the first time they made love. They had been together several times since but each time it was marred with sadness. Every time something bad happened, which was not an uncommon occurrence; they would find themselves in each others arms, desperately trying to find the solace they so needed. It was on a night like this that she had told him that she was in love with him. It had scared him because he knew that he felt exactly the same way for her. He was painfully in love with her but to act on this would be madness. For a start they were in the middle of a war. To actually declare their love would make themselves vulnerable to the enemy. Secondly she deserved so much better than he. She deserved a young, strong wizard with whom she could have a real future. Not a middle aged werewolf without two knuts to rub together, and who was likely to rip her throat out if she got too close.
While he was thinking about all this, he didn't notice that he was now sitting on the window seat with Tonks in his lap. She had wound her arms around his neck and turned her face up to him so that her lips were grazing his throat. When he realised what she was doing, he knew he should put a stop to it straight away, but he couldn't. He was enjoying the sensation of her lips on his skin too much. He closed his eyes and groaned as he felt her kiss his Adam's apple. He could feel the wetness of her tears as her cheeks rubbed against him and this brought him back to reality with a bump. If he allowed this to go on any longer, there would be many more tears for both of them.
"Nymphadora no," he whispered, unable to hide the desire behind his protest. "Don't do this."
"Why not?"
"Because if you carry on like this I won't be able to stop."
"And that's a bad thing why?" He closed his eyes and swallowed hard as he felt her warm breath dance across the skin of his neck.
"You know why." Suddenly she pulled her arms away and stood up, walking away from him. She began pacing around the room until suddenly she whirled around to face Remus. There was something in her face that hadn't been there before. She looked angry.
"Damn you Remus," she shouted. "Why do you always do this? Why can't you just accept that I am not going to go away? I love you."
"I know that. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I can't risk it. To give in would be to put the most precious thing in the world to me at risk and I won't do it."
"You keep saying that. I know Harry means a lot to you especially since Sirius died, but the last thing I want is to come between you." A puzzled look came across Remus' face for a moment. What did Harry have to do with anything? It seemed an odd thing to say in the circumstances until he realised what she meant.
"When I said the most precious thing to me I wasn't talking about Harry. Yes he does mean a lot to me and I do feel the need to look after him, but losing him is not what I fear most. If we were to give in to this thing between us then it would make both of us vulnerable. Death Eaters would have no qualms about using you to get to me or the other way round. I could not bear it if something were to happen to you because of me. That would be the thing that would push me into madness."
She looked at him wide eyed. She had not expected him to say that. That was as close to a declaration of love as he had ever uttered to her. She had told him so many times just how she felt about him but he had ignored it every time. She had just assumed that he felt nothing more than affection for her and their trysts had been the result of particularly bad moments for both of them. To now be told that it was more than that for him was not something she had been prepared for.
"I… I… Do you want tea? I can make some."
"Yes I would like that," he said, smiling at her awkwardness in response to what he had said. She turned and went into the kitchen. He sat down on the sofa once more and waited for her to return. He waited for five minutes before realising that there were no sounds coming from the kitchen. He stood and walked over to the little door. It was dark in the room, but he could just make out her shape, standing by the work top. The light from the lit lamp allowed him to see that she was shaking and she was clearly in tears once more. He took a couple of steps into the kitchen and stood behind her. "Nymphadora," he said quietly.
She turned around, not realising how close he was standing, and found herself within inches of him. She swallowed hard and forced herself to look up into his eyes, which were sparkling, despite the darkened room. He raised his hands to her face and gently wiped away her tears with his thumbs. He knew he should be stepping away from her but he could not. He knew in that instant, when her teary eyes made contact with his, that, for tonight at least, he was lost.
She threw her arms around his neck as he drew her closer to him and their lips crashed together in a passionate kiss. She sighed into his mouth as his tongue swept across her bottom lip, begging for access, which she granted most eagerly. Their hands explored each other's bodies, sweeping over breasts and arms and backs and buttocks with lustful caresses.
Eventually they broke apart, breathless from their kisses. "I thought you said this could not happen," Tonks said, desperately trying to catch her breath.
"I lied. I cannot help myself. I need you." He cupped her face in his hands once more and leaned in for another kiss. This time a slower, gentler meeting of mouths where they savoured each other's taste. They began to back away from the kitchen counter and straight through the living room into the bedroom, where Remus gently laid her down, covering her frail body with his never once breaking his contact with her lips.
Having made the decision to give in to the craving they both felt for one another's bodies, they wasted little time. Quickly, Tonks began to remove his many layers of clothing, almost tearing his shirt from his body. Remus, on the other hand, preferred to take things at a more leisurely pace. He slowly pulled the thick cardigan she wore away from her body and pulled her t-shirt away to reveal her pale skin. By the time she was stripped down to just her underwear, she was getting impatient. Tonks style was to be fast and frantic which completely contrasted with Remus who liked to go slow and really savour every part of making love to her. As with most aspects of their lives, their lovemaking preferences were very different, but when brought together they fit perfectly.
"How do you do that?" She asked as he moved his lips to her collar bone gently nipping her with his teeth as he kissed his way down her body.
"Do what?"
"Make me feel like this. Make me feel special, like you actually care."
"I do care." She gasped as he slid off her bra and took a nipple in his mouth. He swirled his tongue around briefly, giving her just a small taste of what was to come, before continuing on his journey along her skin. "I care more than you know." He dipped his tongue into her navel.
"But you don't love me," the sadness was back in her voice and he couldn't bare it. He wanted nothing more than to confess to her exactly what he felt for her, that the love he felt for her was an all consuming emotion, the likes of which he had never experienced before. He didn't think he would ever feel such a powerful emotion as the grief he felt when James and Lily were murdered and then when Sirius was sent to Azkaban, but right here, in Nymphadora's arms, he knew that this was it. He would never feel this way with anyone else. She made him want to live again and he died a little more every time he realized that they could never be what he wanted them to be.
He slowly pulled her knickers off, kissing her legs as he went. He was so loving and gentle that she felt like she was falling into a dream. For the first time in a long time she actually felt alive. Once he had her naked, he raised himself on his elbows and took the chance to really look at her in all her glory. She really was beautiful. Right now he wanted her more than he had ever wanted anything and he had wanted many things.
"Remus, are you going to spend all night looking at me?"
"It doesn't sound like a bad idea." He continued to look her up and down, taking in every feature. "In fact the more I think about it…" He began to stroke her leg.
"Mmmm, don't tease me Remus," she groaned as his finger tips came dangerously close to her centre.
"No? How about this?" He pressed his lips to her inner thigh. "Is that better? How about this?" He moved over to the other leg, going a little higher. He continued on his path up her thighs until he was literally millimetres away from that part of her that screamed for his attention. She didn't answer him. He briefly looked up at her and saw that she had her eyes closed and was biting her lower lip in anticipation of what he was about to do to her. He toyed with the idea of teasing her for just a little longer but that would be unfair. He knew exactly what she wanted and he wanted to give it to her.
He quickly moved up her body, resting himself on top of her, revelling in the feeling of his bare chest against hers. He pressed his lips to hers, pushing his tongue into her mouth, tasting her thoroughly. She moved her hands down and hastily undid the buckle of his belt followed by his trousers. He helped her push them off him until they were both naked. She gasped as she felt his arousal press against her and she knew she couldn't wait any longer. She slid her hands down his back and cupped his buttocks, drawing him close to her, urging him to finish what they had started.
"Are you sure about this?" He whispered. "I can stop."
"Don't you dare," she growled digging her fingers into his flesh. He pressed his lips to hers once more before entering her. She gasped in pleasure at the sudden invasion. She had never quite understood how he managed to make her feel so alive. By no means was he the most accomplished lover she had been with. He clearly had his fair share of experience, but everything that had happened to him over the years had dented his confidence somewhat and his touch was, at times, maddeningly timid. The effect he had on her though was enormous. Tonks could think of only one explanation for it. She loved him and the feeling of being touched by him unlocked a secret passion in her that nobody else would ever be able to touch.
Remus held himself still for a moment as he entered her. He needed a chance to compose himself. The temptation to throw caution to the wind and screw her senselessly was always great at this point, so exciting was the sensation. He had never felt like this and so he felt the need to resist the urge to engage in wild passion so that he could make their lovemaking last and keep the sensations alive for as long as possible.
As he whispered nonsense words in her ear, the happiness she felt, combined with the sadness of the inevitable finally got to her and tears began to slip down her cheeks.
"Don't cry Dora," Remus whispered in her ear as he felt the wetness of her tears touch his cheek. He could not stand to see her so unhappy. He wanted to put out his own eyes for making her so. "I know things seem bleak to you now, but it will get better. I promise." He stopped his movements for a moment and looked straight into her eyes which were shiny with tears. "I promise," he whispered. He brought his hand up to her face and wiped away her tears. Such a gentle gesture that promised so much, even though she knew nothing could come of it. She began to cry again as he kissed the tears away from her cheeks. Quiet sobs escaped her lips and they both knew that there was no way to stop it, so they continued to make love. They both knew why she wept. The one thing that she feared most was the one thing that was inevitable.
They clung to one another desperately as they increased the tempo of their love making. They only way to forget the inescapable torment that the future held for both of them was to drown in the feel of each other's bodies. His kisses remained gentle and loving, but as he thrust himself in and out of her body he became more vigorous. He wanted to hear her moan with pleasure. Despite her tears he wanted her to feel everything that he felt when he was near her. That excited rush of passion that instantly made him forget that anything existed except for his love for her.
"I love you Remus," she whispered as she wrapped her legs around, bringing him even deeper inside her. "I love you so much." She was not surprised when he did not respond to this. Just disappointed.
Their bittersweet dance continued for sometime before Tonks began to feel a familiar pressure build up within her. She had enjoyed several lovers before but only Remus made her feel like this every time. She ran her hands down his back and pulled him closer to her, urging him to go faster and release the tension that was coiling up in her belly like a spring. He complied with her demands, powerless to deny her. He drove into her deep and hard, making her moan and gasp until she felt something akin to an explosion overcome her whole body. She screamed with pleasure at the feeling, her tears forgotten for the time being.
A few moments later Remus too reached his climax and they collapsed together in a sweaty heap. He rested his head just above her breasts while he caught his breath. She absently played with his hair while she allowed herself a little fantasy that this was not just another one of their string of one night stands that could never lead to anything more. She wanted to believe that he would be back tomorrow night, and the night after. She wanted to believe that he kept coming back to her bed because deep down, under that oh so reserved exterior, he really did have a passion for her that matched what she felt for him.
"Will you stay tonight?" She asked him tentatively, not really wanting to hear the answer.
"Molly and Arthur will be wondering where I have gone," he answered. "I am supposed to be staying at The Burrow for another few days."
"I understand. You cannot let them worry about you. You should go soon I suppose." She was desperately fighting the tears that threatened to spill down her face and Remus could see it. It truly broke his heart to know that he was making her cry. He really was undeserving of her affections.
"I needn't leave straight away. I could stay for a while. Perhaps we could get some sleep?" he suggested, rolling off her so that he was by her side.
"But the Weas…"
"I just want to sleep with you in my arms. I want to feel your warmth, just for a few hours. Will you give me that?"
"I would give you anything you asked for." He smiled sadly at her and leaned over to kiss her lips before turning onto his side and pulling her up against him so that her back was pressed to his chest.
"Get some sleep Dora." He murmured a charm which made the bedclothes move up and cover them before extinguishing the lamp.
Neither of them knew, but they both cried silent tears that night as they drifted into a dream world where the things keeping them apart did not exist.
Boxing Day morning Tonks woke up, as expected, alone. The space behind her, which just a few hours earlier had been occupied by Remus, was now as cold as if nobody had been there at all. She smiled sadly as the tears she had become so accustomed to slid down her cheeks and she realised that the inevitable had indeed happened. Her worst fear was that all Remus saw her as was a warm body in which to take refuge from the everyday melancholy of his life. His leaving before she even woke simply proved it. He was too honourable a man to be doing such a thing on purpose, but it did not make the pain she felt any more bearable.
She let out a loud wail, unable to keep it in any longer. The unbearable misery of unrequited love could not be kept in any longer. She turned her body over in the bed, buried her face into the pillow and wept bitterly, knowing that without his love any chance she had at happiness was doomed.
So what do you think? I would love to hear from anyone who enjoyed it, or anyone who thinks it can be made better in any way. Either way, please review. It would really make my day.