I have to go back and watch seasons 1 & 2, I've lost their voices in What It Takes, I have to find them again. In the meantime, enjoy this scribble.
The last few lines sort of fall along the same vein as This Is Who We Are, This Is What We Do but hopefully it's different enough.
I do not own nor am I affiliated with Supernatural, WB, CW, Kripke Enterprises, actors, or other affiliates there of. No profit is being made from this.
Dean waits until Sam is asleep. He always hated it when Sam couldn't sleep. Not just because he worried about the kid, it was also because he wouldn't be able to do these things.
Dean always stretches out on the latest motel room bed and waits. He's well adept at feigning sleep when he has to. It's easier, Sam won't suspect anything that way.
Dean waits and listens. He listens as Sam settles down, makes himself comfortable, Dean listens to Sam's breath evening out and deepen into soft snores. Then he silently creeps up to Sam's side, whichever side he faces. It sucks when he's facing the edge of the bed, Dean has to kneel besides the bed. It's best when Sam leaves him enough room to slide up along his brother's side, feel Sam's warmth against him, he gets close enough to even feel Sam's rib cage expand and contract with his breathing.
While Sam sleeps, Dean reaches out and runs his hands through Sam's hair, sweeping it away from his face. Then he starts running his fingers lightly over Sam's features.
Dean starts at Sam's forehead. He's doesn't mentioned the Cro-Magnon thing he had going on with that much, maybe he should, Sam would probably cut his hair, get bangs to cover it up again. Dean doesn't really care, for all the comments he makes, he likes Sam's hair, short, long, it's all the same to him.
Dean's fingers slide down to Sam's eyebrows, running his fingers over the coarse hair there. He moves down to Sam's eyes in a barely there touch. He loves Sam's eyes, slanted, like cat's eyes. Dean sometimes wishes Sam would open his eyes. Hazel eyes that change everyday, sometimes, usually in the dark, their eyes match in a dark green shade.
Dean fingers ghost over Sam's high cheek bones. He feels the contours of Sam's triangular nose. He rubs his thumb over Sam's lips. Sometimes, he wants to press his own mouth to Sam's so bad, it aches. Somehow, Dean always resists.
He gently feels along Sam's cheeks, running his fingers in the slight dip where his dimples are when he smiles, he traces Sam's jaw line and resists another urge to lick the small cleft in Sam's chin.
Then so carefully, because Sam's most sensitive there, Dean skims his hands over Sam's neck. Dean wants so badly to replace his hands with his lips, to kiss along Sam's neck and jaw, to give a soft bite on Sam's Adam's apple, so that Sam would feel it every time he swallowed, an ache to remind him, to make him think of Dean.
Then, after Dean's gotten his fill of touching Sam's skin (which he never really does, never really could) he retreats again. He follows Sam into sleep, wanting more than anything to be sleeping next to his brother and knowing that it's impossible.
Dean knows that he's sick, that he's wrong to want Sam the way he does. It damages him too, if (when) Sam takes off again, it'll tear out his heart, hurt him so much worse than it has in the past. Maybe that's why he needs to touch Sam so much, he can't do this when Sam is awake, just while he sleeps. Maybe Dean just wants to memorize his brother's features, the feel of his skin and the look on his face when he sleeps. Sam always looks peaceful and innocent then. Maybe if he memorizes these things, he'll at least have those memories to cling to.
As long as Sam is asleep when he does these things, it's okay. Sam won't have to know about how twisted Dean is.
As Dean falls asleep he tries to dismiss the sorrow that settles over him as securely as the blanket.
He'd never be good enough to keep Sam anyway.
He never thinks about the fact that Sam is just as talented as Dean when it comes to feigning sleep.
Dean never thinks that Sam just might be waiting for the right time to let his brother know that Sam knows and that it's okay. That it's okay and good and right in more ways than it is wrong.
In the dark, Sam smiles.