She is pretty- demanding- but pretty. So completely like me. She is the female version of me. Is that a good thing? Don't opposites attract? She's young…30 but she could pass for 20… I'm 45 and could pass for 50. I used to treat Esme like I do Violet….but Esme isn't innocent anymore… Not since I took that away from her….
I love him. I think. Do I even know anymore? I had everything with Jerome. There is something about this man that doesn't compare. I knew him since I was 17…well I told him I was 20…That lie was small but what would a 35 year old do with a teenager? I understand him more than anyone else dose. He pours his problems into me as an outlet for something his stress, his problems.
I didn't think I loved her. I didn't in the beginning. Do I now? I don't understand her like she understands me. Has a man ever understood a woman though? She means something to me I'm sure. She has something that no one else ever had for me. What it is though? I have no clue…
I doubt he loves me. No as much as the sugar bowl. Not as much as money. Maybe more than fire…We have fights just like any couple but he never leaves me. If he doesn't love me what purpose do I serve? Oh, sex. Of course. But he never forced me into it. No if I was here for sex he wouldn't treat me better than he does his troupe.
It wasn't just sex. Not anymore anyway. Have we ever really made love? I can't remember an occasion. But it's different with her now. Like at the table last night. We smiled at each other… Just smiled… What was that about? I'm falling IN love with her. I tried not to. I knew it would cause problems in the long run…
I love him. I know I do. There's no denying that if I lost him I would be lost. Would he be lost without me? Probably not. Jerome is. He hasn't re married and he lives alone. Olaf would find someone else…That's a sad thought. I have fallen for someone who doesn't need me and left someone who did for him. Jerome used to smile at me…Olaf smiled at me during dinner last night. Hmmm I'm not sure what that was about but smiling is in.
She better love me too. For what its worth to fall in love with someone and risk things you have worked your life to achieve she had better love me too. I think she dose. I never asked her. Maybe I should. Nah, she would read too much into it.
I could ask him if he loves me. He would lie if he didn't. Maybe I'll give him a present or something…Just to show him I care…If he disregards it I'll be crushed…I better not.
Well…
Well…
Darling I love you but…
Darling I love you but…
I could never tell you how much you mean to me.