It's been quite a while since I've written anything properly, and I am really not sure about this at all. There is a trigger warning with this fic so please be aware of that. I hope that this fic is ok and I apologise for any spelling or grammar errors.
"There's always a light, Zoshie," That was what she remembered her mama saying to her. She had said it so many times over the years, in English and Polish. It was a mantra spoken as though somehow it would fix everything; as though there were magic in those words.
It wasn't that she was afraid of the dark exactly. She remembered being a child, and how her father had told her she was a big girl now and taken away her night-light. She can't have been very old at all really, but she remembered how he had told her there was nothing to be scared of; there was nothing in the dark that could hurt her. She'd wanted to beg to keep it. She heard the scratching on her wardrobe door; she was certain there was something there just waiting for her. Daddy didn't believe in the monster. He showed her in daylight how the space contained only her clothes, but he didn't understand that it was different at night. The monster only lived there at night.
Her mama had understood more readily, but it hadn't been enough to reinstate the nightlight. Eventually it hadn't mattered so much and she'd learnt how to sleep in her dark room without the fear that she wouldn't wake in the morning. Sometimes she would hear the scratching and feel the rise of panic in her throat but she would have to close her eyes tighter and try to control her breathing until she had blocked everything out. It didn't always work. If mama found her, she'd be held tightly. If dad found her, she would be told she was too old for these childish games.
She no longer believed in monsters that lived in wardrobes, or under the bed. But she knew that demons existed. They dwelled in the darkness. Only darkness could exist even in the brightest sunlight. These demons existed inside of her; fighting against her every moment.
"At the end of a tunnel, there is a light," Someone had said that too her fairly recently, and it had instantly reminded her of mama. She had blinked rapidly expecting to see her mama's face before her as though she had slipped in to someone else's body; just to be with her daughter. It was stupid, and she had felt that acute pain of her mother's loss worsen until she had almost been brought to her knees.
Of course they had meant it with good intent. They wanted her to see that it wouldn't always be this way. She had come out the other side before. She could be better. She wasn't the same person as before, but then she wasn't the same person that she was before her mama's death. Everything seemed to change her that little bit more. The girl she had once been almost unrecognisable now.
Would people recognise her now? Would they recognise her an hour from now when a little bit more was chipped away and altered forever? She is surrounded by the darkness here. If she reaches out a hand she will touch the cold brick to her side. But she is frozen. Her eyes flit but don't focus. What is the point? She doesn't know any more if what she sees is real. She doesn't know what she wants to be real.
Everything seemed to be going wrong. Every stable foundation shaking beneath her feet. It splinters and she fears slipping down between the cracks. Fears that she won't be able to drag herself out, but fears what will be left if she is rescued from the abyss. There is no winner here. Each and every one of them will come out of this a loser.
It isn't fair. It should be her. She fears watching another person she loves slip away. That horrible disease taking yet another person from her life. He has so much to give. He could have been the one to rid the world of this evil and yet it was going to take him before he had the chance. She has seen already how it has changed him. She knows it is only a matter of time before he will smile at her for the last time. He will close his eyes, and never open them. She doesn't want to face that. She cannot face that.
But she has too. His needs her. She is supposed to be strong for him, and yet here she is. She couldn't be with him when he needed her. What sort of friend does that make her? She should be caring for him like Dominic. She has seen in Dom's eyes how much it pains him. How his heart is breaking and yet he carries on. He forces himself to smile, and be himself. He takes it a little bit too far, becomes this over-exaggerated version of himself but he is present. He is there. And that matters. It matters because right now he is at their home, trying to keep things normal and she has disappeared.
But she couldn't stay. She could smell it in the room. She could feel it in her bones. Her chest had tightened. Her heart fighting to escape her chest. Her head had swam. Too many thoughts battling for her attention. She couldn't hold any of them long enough to make sense of their meaning. They skittered in to each other, words slipping from one sentence in to another. A kaleidoscope danced in her eyes.
It had only dimmed when she'd found herself standing here. The bright lids shifting, and changing. The cold dark slipping over her. She had taken deep shuddering breaths, trying to force air in to her straining lungs. It had chilled her all the more. The voices, the words, changed also. But she couldn't explain it now. Everything covered her. And so she waited, still.
She knows that she should turn around. They will have noticed her absence now. They will be trying to work out how long she has been gone, but time has no meaning to her now. An hour could be a minute, and a second a year. It has no bearing here. But she doesn't want them to worry.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. They should have hope, not fear. But hope is futile. She has given up on it. She knows it will not save any of them in the end. She knows there is nothing. No mama, no Arthur. It is only a matter of time before she loses her dad and Dominic as well. Everyone leaves her in the end – so perhaps it is not them. Perhaps after all of this; she is the key. She is the one that drives them all away. She is the cause, and this is her punishment.
They shouldn't have to worry about her. They are the ones who matter. Not her. Not this destruction she has caused. They have each other. Two people who can support and care for each other. Two people who have that in them. She loves them so very much. She wants only the best for them. She wants all of this to stop; for them.
Light burns her eyes now. The darkness broken. It stings her eyes, and steals her focus. It dazzles and blinds. It draws her in. Mesmerising. The words ring in her ears. Sparkle in her mind. Things slow for the first time in so long. Her breathing calms, stills.
Because after all the light at the end of the tunnel is just the headlight from the oncoming train.