Title: (Fell in Your Opinion) When I Fell in Love with You
Pairings: Ian/Anthony
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst
Summary: The thing about falling, Ian found out, was that it wasn't permanent. It was merely transport, a means of moving from one state to another. To what state one would be moving to and from where, Ian didn't know. What mattered was that he established the fact that falling was an integral part to a lot of stories, especially his.
Author's Notes: I thought that by writing an Ianthony fic, I would stop thinking about them so much. Apparently, I thought wrong. I'm new to Smosh, so this is my first time writing about them. Hopefully, you guys enjoy this. Also, title comes from Florence + The Machine's Falling, so check that song out. Constructive criticism is appreciated, by the way. Also, I posted this fic on both my tumblr account and my lj account, so don't be surprised if you see this on other sites. :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Falling by Florence + The Machine, nor do I own Smosh. I make no money from this.
The thing about falling, Ian found out, was that it wasn't permanent. It was merely transport, a means of moving from one state to another. To what state one would be moving to and from where, Ian didn't know. What mattered was that he established the fact that falling was an integral part to a lot of stories, especially his.
Perhaps it was better to tell his story in parts.
-.-.-.-
He didn't know when it started, or where.
The thing about falling was that in theory, it was frightening, and in reality, it was a whole lot worse.
In reality, Ian was never quite sure whether there would be something to catch him below. In reality, there was no assurance that he would survive the fall.
Falling in love with his best friend had no specific time or place, so Ian didn't bother asking himself when or where every night.
What he bothered to ask himself was why.
Questions ultimately lead to answers, he figured, and so he closed his eyes every night and tried to retrace his steps, tried to know just why he was falling for a man he could never quite have.
He never did find out why.
-.-.-.-
Days were the hardest.
It was during the days when he saw Anthony bleary-eyed with sleep, looking adorable in his rumpled clothes. It was when he struggled to remain in his seat instead of just running away from the bittersweet torture life had given him.
It was during days when he was reminded of what he couldn't have, despite everything else he already had.
He had a best friend he could trust, a job he loved, and fun moments in between. What else could he possibly want?
Falling was a bitch, Ian decided, because he was stuck in stasis and there was nothing he could do about it.
-.-.-.-
Melanie was an amazing woman. She was smart, sarcastic, and she was fun to be with. She was talented, creative, and crazy. Ian loved her immediately. She was the brand of crazy Ian loved dealing with.
So why was it that he couldn't quite fall into her as much as he was falling for Anthony?
Melanie knew something was up when she and Ian finally met. He couldn't lie to her, couldn't tell her that she was what he dreamt of at night when it wasn't the case. He couldn't tell her that when he imagined himself being happy, he just thought of his moments with Ian, playing video games until midnight.
She understood, thankfully, and was even nice enough to continue being his friend. He appreciated that she cared that much about him, appreciated the fact that he could go and tell her the things he couldn't tell Anthony. He loved the fact that he could tell her about Anthony and there would be no judgment whatsoever, only encouraging words and helpful advice.
And if people thought they were together? Well, Ian didn't bother correcting them.
-.-.-.-
"Are you serious?"
Ian blinked. "What?"
Melanie sighed, sitting beside Ian as she looked at him, unimpressed with his not quite so innocent look. "Apparently, people think we're together."
Ian looked at her, wordless, before looking away after a few seconds.
"You can't do this," said Melanie.
"What? What is it that I can't do?" asked Ian, looking back at her.
Melanie sighed, placing her feet on the edge of the couch and placing her head on her knees, her gaze on something far away. "You can't use our friendship to try and move on from Anthony."
Ian's eyebrows rose. "I'm not!"
Melanie rolled her eyes and looked at Ian. "Well then you can't use our friendship to try and make him jealous. It's not going to work, and you're only hurting yourself."
Ian blinked. Was he using their friendship to make Ian jealous?
"Wait," Melanie said, her eyes wide open as she glanced at Ian, "you weren't aware of what you were doing?"
Ian was speechless for a moment, trying to remember what he had been doing for the past few months. "I uh, I didn't know."
"Oh my God," Melanie breathed out. "What the hell, Ian?"
"Look, I didn't mean for any of this to happen!" Ian exclaimed as he stood up, running his fingers through his hair in agitation. "I didn't bother correcting people because it wasn't harmless, not because I wanted to make him jealous."
Melanie put her feet back down on the ground and sat straight, watching Ian pace back and forth. "You really weren't aware of what you were doing?"
Ian tried to think clearly, tried to see past the grey mist clouding every memory. What was he doing? Was he really trying to make Anthony jealous? He shook his head, whether to shake the memories away or to make everything clearer, he didn't know.
Ian sat back down on the couch, miserable. "No. I wasn't aware."
Melanie reached over and put her hand on Ian's head, pushing his head gently to her shoulder. "Breathe, Ian. In, out, in, out."
Ian closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, smelling the fruity scent of Melanie's shampoo. "I hate this, Mel. I wish I could just stop, you know? I'm sick of wanting something I can't have."
Melanie sighed, running her fingers through Ian's hair, trying to calm him down. "I know, honey. I know."
Melanie closed her eyes, humming gently.
No one noticed Anthony enter the house, stopping as he stared at the two of them with something akin to pain reflected in his eyes.
-.-.-.-
There was no exact location, no x-marked spot reserved for someone falling.
Still, Ian knew he was falling in the direction of Anthony.
It was just a matter of whether he will catch him or not, he supposed.
-.-.-.-
There were, as Ian finally learned after years of exquisite torture, two main kinds of falling.
There was falling in love, as he seemed to be doing for the past few years, and there was falling apart.
He didn't know it was possible to fall in both types, but well.
He should have known it was coming.
-.-.-.-
Ian had a love/hate relationship with making videos with Anthony.
He loved the moments they spent together, goofing around with no fucks to spare to whoever disapproved. He loved basking in Anthony's company, the way he just felt so safe from the world's prying eyes and judging words. He loved how he could just kid around with Anthony in their home.
Whenever Ian held the small camera and filmed various scenes, he felt like he was on cloud nine, as if there was absolutely nothing that could keep him down.
However, he hated the fact that during those moments, he could barely keep himself from hugging Anthony and never letting him go. He hated the fact that every touch, however innocent they may be, felt like electricity to him. He hated how the sound of Anthony's laugh made him feel like falling in love deeper and deeper. He hated how Anthony's smile could make him feel better of the rest of the day, while simultaneously making him feel worse for knowing that someday, there will be someone else to put that smile on Anthony's face.
He hated falling, Ian decided. No matter how many people hated the destination rather than the apparently calming action of free-falling, Ian would never be persuaded that falling was peaceful. To be honest, falling filled him with one of the most horrible feelings. Day by day, he looked at Anthony and saw someone who was so near, yet so far. The feeling of falling apart was constantly there, trying to pull him under and make him shatter to pieces.
He was falling apart, and there was nothing he could do about it.
-.-.-.-
There were moments when he just wanted to get away. Ian found that he couldn't get away though, no matter how much he tried.
In Anthony's presence, he longed for freedom, for the release from the chains that bounded him to the awful feeling of falling. In Anthony's presence, he wanted to block out the smiles and laughter, wanted to just forget even if only for a little while.
Yet, when he wasn't around Anthony, he found himself missing him, found himself longing for his presence. He wanted his laughter and his smiles. Without Anthony around, it felt like everything was wrong.
It wasn't fair, really, how he couldn't live with or without Anthony.
Then again, life was never really fair.
-.-.-.-
"Hey."
Ian smiled. "Hey," he said.
Anthony looked up from the computer and raised an eyebrow.
Ian was oblivious to Anthony's silent question as he stood up and walked away. "I miss you, Mel."
"I miss you too, Ian. How are things there?"
Ian sighed as he entered his room, shutting the door quietly. "Pretty bad, Mel."
"How bad is it?" asked Melanie.
"Well," said Ian, sitting down on his bed and thinking for a moment on how to explain what it felt like lately to Melanie, "it's like I'm drowning, and I have the option to get out of the water and breathe in the poisoned air."
Melanie chuckled. "At least all this angst is making you a better writer."
Ian rolled his eyes as he lied down on the bed. "It's not. I write comedy, remember? All this angst is really not helping, Mel."
"Look, Ian. You're a brilliant writer. If you want to go ahead and get rid of the angst, go write it down in a journal or a blog or something. It might help you."
Ian sighed. "I'll try that."
"You do that. Who knows? Maybe with writing, you can finally figure this out, whatever the hell this is."
"Thanks, Mel. You're the best."
-.-.-.-
Ian always knew nothing was permanent—not falling, not feeling, not life.
It was in a party in October 2010 when Ian realized just how much nothing was permanent.
He was falling apart, and he knew he was just that much closer to wherever his destination was.
-.-.-.-
She wasn't perfect.
It was the first thing Ian thought when Anthony finally told him he was dating Kalel.
He wanted to be happy for him—he really did—but all was lost in the sound of crashing waves inside him. He wanted to get away, wanted to walk away and spare himself the pain of seeing his best friend finding comfort in someone else's company. He wanted to block everything out. He wanted to find peace.
He didn't walk away, though. He stayed and he smiled, because that's what best friends did.
She might not be perfect, but she was perfect for Anthony.
And that had to be enough.
-.-.-.-
He wanted to like her, yet at the same time, he wanted to hate her.
Ian hated the fact that he was stuck in the middle, unsure of what it was he honestly felt about the entire thing. He wanted to like her, but she was the one person who could give Anthony what he couldn't give. He wanted to hate her, but again, she was the only one who could give Anthony what Ian couldn't give.
He felt exhausted half the time. During days, he would take extra measures to make sure he didn't say anything unpleasant or untoward, and during nights, his eyes would refuse to close. When they did close, he dreamt of Anthony, and Anthony alone.
He was being pulled in all directions, and he knew it was only a matter of time before he snapped and did something he would regret.
-.-.-.-
The hallway was filled with a faceless crowd.
Ian hugged his bag closer to his chest as he tried to walk around the groups of people. He kept his head down, avoiding everyone's gaze. He felt like he was being suffocated, his lungs refusing to take in air. He could hear their words—softly spoken, yet judging in tone—and he wanted to get away. He tried to walk faster, but it seemed like there were more people around.
He had to get away. He was suffocating. His heart was beating wildly in his chest and sweat was on his forehead.
Too busy trying to look anywhere else but the crowd, Ian tripped, his bag sliding far away from him. Despite the loud sound of his knees' impact on the ground, no one apparently heard him and his muffled shout of pain.
Ian had to get away. He had to walk away from the crowd, had to remain nameless, faceless.
A hand suddenly appeared in his field of sight. He looked up.
He took the hand, and air rushed in his lungs.
-.-.-.-
He knew that eventually, it was going to happen.
Kalel was perfect for Anthony in every way Ian could never be. He had no right to stop Anthony from making plans with her.
He had no right to stop Anthony from building a future—a life—with a person he obviously loved very much.
He wanted everything to stop. He wanted to go back to the days when all they had was Ian's room and a borrowed camcorder. He wanted to go back to the afternoons spent singing at the top of his lungs inside Anthony's car, and wanted to go back to the evenings spent playing all kinds of video games.
He was falling apart. He wanted to stop falling, wanted to just reach his destination already, but life wasn't quite so friendly.
Anthony deserved so much better than a friend who couldn't even be genuinely happy for the future he was building with a girl he adored. Anthony didn't need a friend who couldn't support him through his future plans.
Ian was frayed at the seams, pretending to be happy. He was tired of pretending. He was tired of smiling when all he wanted to do was cry and tell all his problems to the camera. He was tired of laughing along when all he wanted to do was to hide until all this was over.
He was tired of caring too much.
-.-.-.-
Ian put his head on Melanie's lap, breathing in and out slowly.
"I'm sorry," Melanie said softly, her fingers carding through Ian's hair.
Ian wanted to scream. He wanted to shatter the deafening silence that reminded him that Anthony was gone.
It just seemed that he didn't have the strength to fight anymore.
"He's air, Mel," Ian said, his eyes closed as he tried to regain strength. "He's my air."
Melanie sighed. She patted Ian gently on the head until he opened his eyes and looked at her, his breathtaking ocean-blue orbs filled with sadness. "Come on, Ian. You can't stay like this. Let's go out, and I'll buy you donuts and tacos."
Ian smiled sadly, sitting upright. "You're a good friend, Mel. Thank you for putting up with all this. You've been here for me for years now, and I just can't believe that you haven't run away from me yet."
Melanie smiled. "That's what friends are for. You were there when I was depressed, remember? You gave me a place to stay for a little while, and you tried your best to make me happier. I will always remember that."
-.-.-.-
"The dreams are getting worse."
"Good morning to you too, Ian," said Melanie, yawning afterwards as she stretched, walking towards the couch where Ian was seated.
Ian merely smiled before turning back to the cereal bowl he had on his lap. "I dreamt about kissing him last night," he admitted softly.
Melanie's eyebrows rose. "Seriously?"
Ian nodded. "What am I supposed to do, Mel? I'm going to a shoot later with Anthony. How am I supposed to look him in the eye, knowing that in my dreams, I've felt happiness I have never known?"
Melanie shrugged, putting her finger under Ian's chin and making him look at her. "You're going to have to, Ian. You were best friends before all this—still best friends, actually—and you can't let this ruin what you have. The reason why you didn't tell him when you realized you loved him was because you were afraid of ruining what you have. You can't let not-telling him ruin this."
Ian smiled. "What would I do without you?"
Melanie chuckled. "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I think the question you need to ask yourself is what you would do without Anthony."
Ian merely rolled his eyes.
-.-.-.-
Ian is Bored episodes were the episodes Ian loved to shoot.
They were episodes that reminded him of what they used to do in the past. They were the shoots that required nothing but him, Anthony, and a camera. There was no crew, no script, and no goal. It was only them having fun, like the good old days when it was just them against the world.
How was it that in Anthony's company, he felt free and restrained at the same time?
It was during those times when he felt like his heart was about to burst from the happiness he was feeling.
It was also during those times when he wanted to grab hold of Anthony and never let go.
-.-.-.-
Dancing with David was, to be honest, one of the most fun—and funny—things he had to do.
If he exaggerated his moves just so he could hear Anthony's carefree laugh, well.
He kept that to himself.
-.-.-.-
The water was cold.
He was sinking deeper, his eyes looking above and his limbs refusing to move. His lungs burned, desperate for air, and for a second, he thought he could move and bring himself above the water.
He thought wrong.
The dark was creeping on the edges, threatening to consume him whole. His eyes were glued to the brightness above.
Suddenly, a body was falling, falling, falling near him.
The impact of the body on the water removed him from his trance, making him move his weak limbs.
A hand held his, bringing him above the water.
He could finally breathe.
-.-.-.-
Falling in love was the most painful feeling Ian had ever felt in his entire life. He wasn't aware that falling apart came with it before, but now he knew just how much the two were joined at the hip.
With every look at the video, his heart broke a little more. Tears threatened to spill, and he hugged himself, trying to drive away the cold that was slowly reaching his very core.
By his side was his phone, Anthony's text still open on the screen.
She said yes!
Ian smiled to himself and took the phone with trembling hands.
It took a few tries, but eventually, he managed.
Congratulations. I'm happy for you.
-.-.-.-
Ian's fingers were unmoving on the keyboard, his eyes staring on the blank screen before him.
"I saw the video," Melanie said softly.
Ian blinked and turned towards her direction, looking at her with a dead stare.
"How are you?"
Melanie didn't need to ask anymore. She saw Ian's once-bright eyes turn into dull, lifeless orbs. She knew he was slowly wearing away.
Ian smiled sadly. "Same as ever, I suppose."
-.-.-.-
No matter how much he hated the pieces of fan fiction he and Anthony read, they still made his heart beat in such a way that he knew he was falling once again. No matter how much he laughed, and no matter how grossed out he was by some of the more graphic pieces, he knew that when he went home, the first thing he would do was search for some more pieces of fan fiction about him and Anthony.
Maybe, he was pathetic. Maybe, it wasn't something he should do.
Maybe.
He did it anyway, his heart feeling full of love as read story after story.
He and Anthony might not be together in reality, but at least they were immortalized as a couple in their fans' stories.
He would settle for that.
-.-.-.-
"You know, people are starting to wonder why we're not yet engaged."
Ian looked up from his laptop, his eyebrow raised in question.
Melanie rolled her eyes and focused on the canvas before her, her paint-stained hand clutching a wooden paintbrush as she spoke. "People think we've been together for seven years, Ian."
"Ah," Ian said, at a loss for words. He looked back on what he was writing on his blog, shaking his head after a few seconds of staring at a blinking cursor. "I forgot about that."
He hadn't really forgotten.
He saw the comments fans made on the internet. He knew they were all asking why he hadn't proposed to Melanie after seven years when Anthony already proposed to Kalel after just three years of being together.
What was he supposed to say? He couldn't exactly tell the fans the truth.
Ian shook his head after a few seconds and continued typing.
"You know what else the fans are asking?" asked Melanie, her eyes focused on the half-finished painting before her.
"What?" asked Ian, looking up from his laptop.
"Well," she started, looking away from her painting to glance at Ian for a moment before redirecting her gaze to the bright colors before her, "they're also wondering why you haven't said your congratulations yet."
Ian's eyes widened. "I already congratulated Anthony. Hell, I helped him pick the ring."
Melanie stopped painting abruptly, turning around and giving Ian all of her attention. "You helped him pick the ring?"
Ian wanted to squirm under Melanie's gaze, but he stopped himself from doing so. "What was I supposed to do? I'm still his best friend, Mel. I couldn't exactly say no when he asked me to help him."
Melanie sighed, putting her paintbrush on a nearby table. "I'm starting to think that you have this masochistic tendency inside you."
Ian chuckled. "That makes both of us. I congratulated him when he texted me that she said yes."
"Well, some of the fans are asking why you haven't made a public congratulatory message," said Melanie, grabbing a smaller paintbrush on the nearby table and focusing her attention back to the canvas. "I've been getting a lot of tweets about that."
Ian saw those on his Twitter account, too.
"I don't think I can congratulate them on camera, Mel," Ian admitted, leaning his head on the back of the couch. "I've always associated cameras with Smosh. I don't want to ruin that feeling by saying something I don't really mean in front of a camera.
After a few seconds of silence, Ian dropped his head and looked down on the ground. "He asked me to be his best man," he admitted, his voice soft.
The air in the room shifted. Suddenly, the silence was deafening, and all Ian wanted to do was to get out of there.
Melanie blinked, her hand hovering mid-air for a few seconds before she finally got a hold of herself and put down her hand. "When?" she asked, refusing to turn around and let Ian see the shock on her face.
"We shot an episode of Ian is Bored at the park near our house, and after we finished, we sat there and he just asked," said Ian.
Melanie finally turned around. "Sweetie, I really think you should tell him."
Ian shook his head, refusing to let the tears fall. "After seven years? He's just going to be mad that I waited this long to tell him, fooling him and the world all the while that I was dating you. I don't want to ruin what we have."
He didn't want to ruin what they had. If that meant that he was going to continue falling apart, then so be it.
He was used to the feeling, anyway.
-.-.-.-
Ian smiled as he walked inside the organized space. "You have a nice house," he said sincerely.
Truth be told, he really did like the house, even if it felt a little off to him. It felt too neat, like it was a house meant to be on a magazine spread. If it weren't for the few picture frames on the walls, he wouldn't even know it was Anthony's new house—it simply felt too foreign to him.
When he and Anthony were living together, the house wasn't quite this neat. There were always Pokemon collectibles everywhere. Though they tried to be neat—and they were pretty organized, if he did say so, himself—the house still felt cozy. The house felt lived-in.
The house felt like home.
He wasn't lying. Anthony and Kalel did have a nice house. It was just that he felt that their old house was nicer.
Anthony smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners—and oh, there was the feeling of falling once again—and his brilliant white teeth showing. "Thanks, Ian. Kalel and I worked pretty hard on this," he said, his pride making him glow.
Ian wished he made Anthony glow like that.
The entire time he stayed there, he felt like he was floating out of himself, like there was somebody else controlling his words and actions. He didn't know how he lasted so many hours of staying there and looking at Anthony look at Kalel like she was his entire world, didn't know how he lasted without saying something terrible.
He was perfectly amiable, and he didn't know how he did that.
Watching Anthony put his arm around Kalel, knowing that that meant more—a lot more—to him than those times when he put his arm around Ian, hurt like a bitch. He hated that Anthony seemed to smile more in her presence nowadays instead of around his presence.
Above all, he absolutely hated how Kalel seemed to glue herself to Anthony's side, not quite giving them the much-needed alone time. Whenever she did go away, Ian still felt wrong inside their house, like every move was being seen and every word was being heard.
He absolutely hated it.
-.-.-.-
He was falling.
Air rushed past him. His heart beat wildly in his chest as he struggled to take in a gulp of air.
He felt cold.
He closed his eyes, knowing the impact would come soon.
The darkness was coming to claim him, and he was falling, falling—
Gone.
-.-.-.-
"You know, I've always wanted to go here with Anthony. I'm not a romantic, but yeah," Ian shrugged, his eyes looking at the scene below, "now, I'm totally a romantic."
Melanie laughed. She closed her eyes as she breathed in the cold air of Paris. "You are a romantic," said Melanie, her eyes still closed. "Just, you know, not with me."
Ian smiled. "Shut up, Mel."
Melanie opened her eyes and looked down at the ant-sized people below. "This is a wonderful trip, Ian. Thank you for taking me here."
Ian shook his head. "I owe you this. You've stuck with me for so long that you deserve something like this."
Melanie walked over to where Ian was and hugged him tight, her arms around him making him feel safe and hidden from the rest of the world.
If Ian closed his eyes and imagined it was Anthony hugging him instead, well, no one had to know.
-.-.-.-
"Hey."
Ian smiled and closed his eyes, crossing his ankles as he lied back down on the bed. "Hey."
"How's Paris?" asked Anthony, sounding genuinely curious.
Ian's smile dimmed. He was reminded once again that he was in Paris with Melanie, not Anthony. "It's great!" he said in the most enthusiastic voice he could produce. "Mel and I are having fun."
It was true, technically. He and Melanie were having fun. It was just that he wanted Anthony there with him, not Mel.
"Oh."
Ian's eyebrow rose. "What is it?" he asked, concerned.
"It's nothing," said Anthony. "I'm glad you guys are having fun."
Ian smiled. He was glad, too. Going on a vacation just to get away from Anthony and Kalel had a disaster label on it, but so far, it was going better than planned. Melanie was surprisingly okay with it all, and as long as she was okay, Ian was okay, too.
Some might say that being an ocean apart was a little too over-the-top just to get away, but whatever. Ian knew better.
The door opened, and Ian opened his eyes, furrowing his eyebrows when he saw Melanie in a nice spring dress.
Melanie motioned to her wristwatch. "We're going to the Louvre, remember?"
Ian's eyes widened. "Oh, right. I'll be right there."
"What is it?" Anthony asked.
Ian shook his head. "I have to go. We're going to the Louvre. I'll talk to you later?"
"Sure, Ian," said Anthony.
The call went dead, and Ian exited the room.
He never saw Anthony—an ocean away from him—dropping the phone on the bed beside him, putting his face in his hands.
-.-.-.-
"I think it will be fun if I made a vlog," said Melanie, gesticulating with chopsticks in one hand.
Ian's eyebrow rose. "Are you sure that's a wise decision?"
Melanie shrugged, grabbing hold of her box of Chinese takeout. "Why not? It might be fun, plus it's a learning experience for me."
Ian took a moment to swallow his food. No matter what people thought, he actually did eat his food, thank you very much. "I think it's okay. Just remember that people are already asking you a lot of questions on Twitter about me. Can you imagine what your Youtube channel's going to be like?"
Melanie put the box down on the table. "Honest opinion, Ian. I want your honest opinion. Don't bullshit me."
Ian sighed, pushing the box of takeout away from him. "Call me selfish, but I don't want you to make one."
"Why?" Melanie's voice was not unkind. She sounded genuinely curious.
Ian threw his hands up in the air in frustration. "I don't know. I mean, look, if you make an account, you will have to be all sweet with me or else people will start asking questions."
Melanie rolled her eyes. "Oh come on, Ian. We're already sweet together. We don't even have to try anymore, since we've had seven years of practice. What is it?"
Ian sighed. "Have you seen Kalel? Sure, some of the fans love her, but some of them also really, really hate her," he said, taking hold of the takeout box again. "People bash her on the internet. I don't want that to happen to you."
Melanie smiled. "You're too sweet, Ian. I'll be fine, though. Don't worry too much."
Ian shrugged. "Alright. It's alright with me."
-.-.-.-
"Hey, I saw Melanie's Youtube account a while ago. She's pretty good," said Anthony, glancing over at Ian before directing his gaze back on the road.
"Ah," said Ian, nodding. "She thought it would be a learning experience, so she made one."
"Are you happy with her?" asked Anthony in a small voice, his eyes still on the road.
Ian furrowed his eyes, looking at Anthony. "What do you mean? Of course I'm happy with her."
Anthony glanced at Ian and smiled. "It's nothing. It's just…you've been together for seven years. I just recently realized that I never told you I'm happy for you guys, so there."
Ian directed his gaze to the scenery outside his window, trying not to squirm under Anthony's stare. "Thank you," he said softly.
-.-.-.-
Falling was never permanent.
So why did it seem like it was?
-.-.-.-
There were times when Ian felt a little too masochistic.
On those times, he went on Youtube and watched vlogs of Anthony and Kalel in the safety of his bedroom with the lights off. Sure, he felt pathetic and kind of like a weird, creepy stalker, but it was only during those times when saw a glimpse of the Anthony he could never have.
It was painful, yes, but it was also a relief of sorts. Watching those videos before going to bed gave him the ability to pretend that he had that with Anthony. He watched video after video because those were the videos that fuelled his imagination. Those were the videos that allowed him to think about what life would be if, by some unknown strike of luck, he and Anthony were actually together.
What would life be if it were him and Anthony who were engaged?
Once he finally put away his laptop, he would close his eyes and just drift away in the darkness.
There were times when he had the worst nightmares, but there were also times when he had the sweetest dreams. It was during those when he felt happiness in its purest form.
In the mornings, when he rose up from the dreams, it would be torture.
Come evening, he would do the exact same thing anyway.
-.-.-.-
"I met a guy yesterday."
Ian looked at the other end of the couch where Melanie was seated, her feet up on the couch, a book balanced on her knees. "You like him?"
"Yeah," Melanie said, leaning over to get a donut from the box on the table nearby. "He called me a while ago."
Ian knew what she was asking.
"You don't have to ask for my permission to date him, Mel," said Ian, looking at the laptop in front of him once more.
Melanie looked up, her eyes wide open. "I don't?"
Ian shook his head. "You're a grown adult, Mel. You can handle yourself."
"But what are we going to tell the fans?"
"We'll tell them that we're actually just friends," Ian said, shrugging. "I want to tell them the truth, but not the entire truth. You can tell them that on your vlog."
He was, to be honest, done pretending.
-.-.-.-
"Ian! Ian, wake up!"
Ian opened his eyes and got up from his bed, yawning. He padded to the front door and looked through the peephole, his eyes widening when he saw Anthony standing outside.
He opened the door, suppressing a yawn as he did so. "What is it?" he asked, walking away from the door when Anthony entered.
Anthony closed the door and stood still for a few moments. "Uh, can we talk?"
Ian looked at his friend quizzically. "We already are. It's ten in the evening, Anthony. What are you doing here?"
Anthony sat down on the couch. "Look, just sit please?"
Ian yawned as he sat down, sitting beside Anthony despite the couch being big enough for four people. "What is it?"
Anthony seemed to be at a loss for words. After a few seconds, he opened his mouth, only to close it again.
Ian rubbed his eyes. "Why are you here, Anthony?"
"I went to the Smosh house to organize for our next shoot," Anthony finally said after a few more seconds of just waiting. "On the way, I saw Melanie and another guy exiting a restaurant, holding hands. I went straight here to tell you, Ian."
"Oh."
Ian didn't have words. What was he supposed to tell Anthony?
"That's okay," Ian said as casually as he could, "Mel and I weren't dating. She's free to date whoever she wants to."
Anthony blinked once, twice, three times, before opening his mouth to say something. "What?"
Ian shrugged in reply.
"So…all this time, you weren't together?"
Ian's heart was beating madly in his chest. His palms felt sweaty and it seemed like he wasn't getting enough air.
"No," Ian finally said after a few moments. "No, we weren't dating."
-.-.-.-
Ian walked into the living room, a bowl of cereal on his hand. "How was your date last night?" he asked, his mouth full of cereal.
Melanie didn't look up from her sketchpad. "Don't eat while your mouth is full, Ian. And the date was great, thank you for asking."
Ian sat down on the other end of the couch. "Anthony saw you last night."
Melanie abruptly stopped drawing and looked up from her sketchpad. "And…?"
"He told me about you guys, and I finally told him that we weren't dating," said Ian.
Melanie smiled. "I'm happy for you."
-.-.-.-
The freshly-cut grass smelled amazing in the summer air as Ian sat down on the bench and turned his camera off.
"It's a nice day, isn't it?"
Ian looked at Anthony. "Yeah, it is."
Anthony looked weirdly uncomfortable, and Ian's heart fell.
If Anthony was uncomfortable around him, how were they going to continue with what they had?
"I know it sounds completely crazy, but anyway, I'm done with pretending, so," Anthony said, his chocolate brown eyes focused on Ian, "Ian, would you like to go out on a date with me?"
Ian felt his world stop.
"If you're doing this for the fans—"
"I'm not," Anthony quickly said. "Look, the camera's off."
Ian furrowed his eyebrows. "Then why are you doing this? If this is a joke, it's not a very funny one."
"It's not a joke," Anthony said, shaking his head. "I honestly really like you."
Ian felt like laughing, even though the situation was as far from funny as it could get. "Stop kidding around, Anthony. I don't need your pity."
"Why would I pity you?"
"Because I've liked you forever!" exclaimed Ian as he stood up, wanting to get away from Anthony. "Look, I realize that it isn't healthy and that I shouldn't because you're getting married, for fuck's sake, but goddamn it, it's not as if I could control it!"
Anthony stood up and grabbed Ian's wrist, stopping him from leaving. Ian immediately stopped trying to walk away, his eyes looking to the ground.
Anthony slackened his grip. "I don't pity you," he said softly, "and this is not a joke. I've liked you for years, and when you met Melanie, I swear I felt my heart fall."
Ian was still breathing hard, trying to suck in the air. "That can't be true. Stop joking around, Anthony."
Anthony shook his head and let go of Ian's wrist. "It's not a joke."
Ian finally looked up. "Then what about Kalel?"
"I love her," said Anthony, "but I'm not in love with her. I'm in love with you. When you met Melanie, I knew it was time to move on from this stupid crush. When I met Kalel, I honestly felt like I had a second shot at happiness—like I could have something, even if it wasn't with you. Now that I know I actually have a chance, can we please at least try?"
For a few seconds, the only sound in the otherwise silent park was Ian's heavy breathing.
"That night, when you told me that you and Melanie were never together, I felt lighter, like there was no weight on my shoulders," Anthony admitted. "I got a last-minute flight to Los Angeles and talked to Kalel. I called the wedding off."
Ian felt his eyes widen. "What? Why would you do that?"
"Because I'm in love with you," said Anthony. "She was obviously pretty angry with me, and I feel horrible about that, believe me, but I don't want to continue with the wedding, knowing that you and I might have had a chance."
Ian breathed deeply as he closed his eyes, trying to stop his tears from falling.
"I'm not joking," Anthony said softly.
Ian opened his eyes, looked at Anthony, and smiled.
-.-.-.-
The thing about falling, Ian found out, was that it wasn't permanent. It was merely transport, a means of moving from one state to another.
As time went by though, Ian finally corrected himself.
With every video of them sitting close together as they threw the other fond looks whenever they thought the other wasn't looking, Ian was finally forced to admit that falling could be permanent.
Just look at him, for example. He was falling in love deeper and deeper every day.