Note: OK, this fic started with the elves song and expanded. This means they will all be written in the wrong order and lots of fiddling around will be required in order to sort them out, so it may be a bit confusing and wrongly ordered at times. Expect more songs as soon as I think of them. Unless you think they're crap in which case I'll stop.
Despite trying to keep to the rhythm structure and lyrics of the original song, due to lack of memory of the real words the speaking bits do not quite fit in (especially Bilbo's). Rated K+ for Isildur's dirty mouth, although Galadriels solo is more of a T. Massive, massive apologies to Celeborn and Haldir, but what could I do?
Excuse the double spacing. That is to stop all the lines appearing on one row. The -...- bits are the music, which comes in to give you a sense of where they are in the monologues. The occasional (…) is my thoughts and not part of the song. Sorry if it comes out a bit crap, I know what it means :)
And now the last alliance of men and elves, the murderers of Lord Sauron in thier rendition of...cell block tango:
Elrond: Power
Witch King: Twenty
Gil-Galad: Squish
Bilbo: Uh-oh
Galadriel: Mordor
Isildur: Bullcrap
Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap. Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap.
-duh DOOH duh-
Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap. Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap.
All: He had it coming, he had it coming.
He only had himself to blame
If you'd a been there
If you'd a seen it
Isildur; I betcha you would have done the same
Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap. Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap.
He had it coming
Elrond: You know how people have these little habits that really annoy you?
Like Sauron. Sauron used to make rings
But not just any rings
-BamBAM-
Rings of power!
So I'm holding a council for the free peoples, and I'm feeling really irritated, and in comes Isildur with news that Sauron is sitting in Mordor, making rings.
Not just rings, rings of Power
-BamBAM-
And we said to him, don't you try using those rings for evil…
And he did, so we sent some armies into Mordor, to give him a friendly warning.
Killed half his army…
All: He had it coming, he had it coming.
He only had himself to blame
If you'd a been there
If you'd a heard it
I betcha you would have done the same
Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap. Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap.
He had it coming
Witch King: I met Lord Sauron from Mordor about halfway through the second age.
He said he had a special ring of power for me, and we hit it off right away
We started fighting together, I'd lead his armies, and together we crushed the world of middle earth between a vice.
Then I found out…special ring, he told me, special my ass!'
-BamBAM-
No only did he have one himself, oh no, he had twenty.
One of those evil overloads y'know.
But what could I do, we'd still go out, fight together, and no one could stop us.
Hey, where did all those elves come from?
All: he had it coming
He had it coming
He took the power of his time
And then he used it
And he abused it
It was a murder, but not a crime.
Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap. Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap.
Gil-Galad: Now I'm standing on the plains of Mordor,
Carrying a giant two-handed spear,
Minding my own business,
When in storm this horde of 30 bloodlust filled orks screaming 'You shall not defeat Lord Sauron.'
-BamBAM-
They were crazy!
And they kept screaming 'You shall not defeat Lord Sauron!'
-BamBAM-
Then they ran into my spear.
All thirty of them ran into my double-handed spear.
-impressive drum roll-
All: If you'd a been there
If you'd a seen it
I betcha you would have done the same.
-Suddenly, Russian ballet music begins to play. A large white spotlight appears in the middle of the stage. It remains empty for a bit, until Galadriel gives Bilbo a shove and he stumbles into it-
Bilbo: What am I doing here?
Isildur: What is he doing here? He's not part of the Alliance.
Witch-King: What is it?
Gil-Galad: Is it someone's idea of a joke?
Bilbo: I don't want any adventures!
Galadriel: Shut up, you're in the prologue whether you like it or not. Now sing something.
Gil-Galad: This song is only for those who fought bravely. Have you ever fought, Master Hobbit, or killed?
Bilbo: Well, I fought Gollum once…
Isildur: Yeah, but didya kill him?
Bilbo: Uh-Uh.
Not…Guilty.
All (softly); He had it coming…
-The music fades, the spotlight goes out-
Galadriel: Gil-Galad and I used to wonder around Mordor killing off orks,
And my husband Celeborn used to stay behind in Lothlorien.
Me and 'Galad fought as a team, one, two, three, block, weave, duck, full sword thrust, we were amazing.
Now this on night we're having a council on the eve of battle
Discussing tactics, battles, armies
And we realise we've run out of troops
So I go to Lothlorien to get some more.
And when I get there I see Celeborn and Haldir lying on the couch doing number seventeen
-Drum roll-
Full sword thrust!
(Aaaaargh I deserve to get run over by a cartload of nuns for even thinking that line!)
Well I was in such a state of shock I completely blacked out, and I think I threw up too
It wasn't until later…when Elrond sent me a message by telepathy, I even knew Sauron was dead!
He had it coming
He had it coming
He had it coming all along
I didn't do it
But if I'd done it
How could you tell me that I was wrong.
-lots of counterpoint follows, which can't really be transcribed. Its darn exciting anyway-
Isildur: I hated Sauron more than I could say.
He was an nasty scheming type…evil
He was always worried about protecting himself.
He'd send out armies everyday trying to protect his borders, and on the way he conquered Osgilliath, Harad, Rohen, and Gondor.
I guess you could say we argued because of tactical differences
He saw his armies alive
And I saw them dead….
All: He had it coming
He had it coming
He had it coming all along
Cuz he's the baddy
And we're the goodies
How can you tell us that we were wrong!
-BAM BAM-
He had it coming
He had it coming
He had it coming all along
Cuz he's the baddy
And we're the goodies
How can you tell us that we were wrong!
You use those ring for evil…Special ring my ass…30 bloodlust filled orks…fought Gollum once…full sword thrust…tactical differences.
Elrond: Power
Witch King: Twenty
Gil-Galad: Squish
Bilbo: Uh-oh
Galadriel: Mordor
Isildur: Bullcrap
-Drumroll-