All characters and situations belong to Brian Jaques
Personally, I think I'm discriminated against for the sole reason that I'm a snake. For some reason which I cannot comprehend, people take a strong distaste against serpents of every kind. This obviously sprouts from a deep seeded jealousy because we can win any staring contest. Perhaps it is because of this that my efforts to save Mossflower against Cluny the Scourge were never truly appreciated.
First and foremost, I would like to point out that I am a proud member of the woodland committee. I grew up there from an egg, learning the ways of the world from all my fellow creatures. And the one thing I learned was proper dieting habits. It is necessary to eat from the four food groups: grain, vegetables and fruits, protein, and dairy (though, considering there are no cows in the area, the latter has proven to be difficult). And I always exercise this handy little tidbit of health. Every morning I wake up, have myself a little cucumber sandwich (grain and vegetable), drink a nice glass of milk (dairy, although I still have no idea where it comes from), and finally, to get my fill of protein for the morning, I brutally maul an innocent woodland animal.
Oh yes, I can hear you all now. "Oh no, that horrible monster eats other creatures! What a brute!" This is a very narrow minded way of looking at it. True, I do resort to cold blooded murder to fill my belly, but what everyone seems to over look is that meat is a wonderful source of protein, which is necessary for a balanced diet. Everything I did was a lesson on proper upbringing, a fact of life often over looked in times of war. Who else was going to teach the dibbuns good eating habits? All those silly mice were all preoccupied with fighting and such! The way I look at it, I saved an entire generation from ignorance over that month long period. A modest effort, perhaps, but none the less noble.
And let us not forget that I myself aided those very same silly little mice. After all, I dislike rats as much as the next individual. Frankly, they taste terrible without ketchup, and they leave a bitter aftertaste. But despite my efforts to aid the Abbey Dwellers, I'm still viewed as a bad guy! Who was the first one to kill a captain? Me! Who took the initiative to keep our woodlands clean from various bloody corpses? Me! Who stopped that fox from making a getaway? Me! If they had just come and picked up the body, like I asked, we could have avoided that whole kidnapping case altogether. And yet I'm still treated like a villain! All because I asked for a monthly tribute of ten particularly plump and juicy moles! A reasonable request, I thought. I wouldn't mind if they were sick or crippled. Some mice just don't know a good bargain when they hear one.
Next we come to the case of the shrews. Yes, I did make many a good meal out of them. And did any body say "Thank you?" They should have, if they knew what danger they were really in! If they knew what those shrews had planned, they wouldn't sleep at night. Why? Well, let's just dissect the title Guosim, shall we? What does the U stand for? Union. That's right, these harmless little snacks were planning to topple our just and fair government and replace it with (I shudder to say it) communism! That's right, those harmless little commie shrews were bent on spreading the Red Scourge across the forest, undermining our very way of life. My actions helped nip the whole situation in the bud, lest it be dragged out for seventy odd years with several minor battles here and there. What a chilling thought.
And finally we come to the business of the sword. First of all, I wasn't the one who stole it. It was those nutty sparrows that took it off the roof, unless it's being suggested I can fly now. And the way that crazy one was swing it around (what was his name again? King Heifer, or something like that.) some one was liable to do themselves a mischief. All I did was take it so no one would get hurt. I fully intended to return it when I found the time. But of course, those cursed mice can't solve anything without violence, and they sent that one with the floppy sandals after me. Yes, I did chase and attempt to kill him, but if someone broke into your home, stole your things, and tried to kill you, how would you react? And then the little twerp had the nerve to cut off my noggin (luckily, it grew back). Does any one mind telling me how I'm not the victim here?
So there it is, my version of what really happened. Its facts like these that should be brought to light more often. But I'll bet no one will believe it, even if they were.