Humanis Crux
R E V E R S I O N E D
A Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction
By Nicholas Paul Clark (Warriorsong)
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Feeling. Probing. Searching. Touching. A memory remembering itself. Awakening to itself; like a flower unfolding before the light of the sun. Not thinking and thinking, a parallel eons apart breached in the space of a single heartbeat. Heartbeat. I am. Being. Alive. Aware. I am therefore I think. Cognition. Reaction. Sense of self. Sense of others. Sense of being a part of something greater. Sense. Touch, sight, sound, taste. Perception. Self-perception. Self. You. Me. Individuality.
Individuality.
Everything as one denies the sense of self. The sum of all parts being all, the parts themselves; nothing when not of the sum. But to reach wholeness, many things must be a part of it, together, bonded. Not individual, yet a part of something. No individuality, nothing. No individuals' together, whole of nothing.
Nothing.
Together.
Awake, aware, feeling the touch of this whole, this complete thing, complete nothing. A non-entity. Nothing is unaware it is nothing. To be aware of the nothing negates nothing; awareness creates something, is something. Thought. The greatest of things. Nothing as something. Paradox. Nothing is now something. Something of value. Perception of self. Self. Individual.
Me.
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Uniform. Equal. Part. Fraction. Together in nothing. To be with, to be together is something. Nothing is not an absence. Absence is an opposite of a definitive something. This nothing is not an opposite, but a definite. Definitely nothing. So far removed from something and nothing to be different yet the same in scope. Tangible but not, as thought is absent. To know thought is absent is to think. To think is to draw upon the past, to take events and meld them, shape them into reaction in an alien environment. To react to a stimulus from outside oneself. One. Single. The opposite of together. Many single. Group. Collective. Together. To be as one, alone, self; this is not together. This is individual.
One. Individual. Me. Thinking. Aware of thinking, of being, of living. Living. Life.
Life?
Reaction to thought. Awareness of the past, present and future. The past shapes us, so we shape the present, in turn creating the future. Chain of events, linked. Separate but whole. To be one of something yet individual.
An individual amidst a sea of individuals. Together in that common trend, apart in that common fact.
Together for only one reason. Fact. Thought is based on fact, perceived and imagined. Fact is sense, knowing through the sense that fact is irrefutable, tangible and stalwart against all else.
The past is fact. The past shapes all.
Past.
What is present? Nothing. If past, present and future make something, than nothing as a part of a whole makes the value of the whole less. Past is something. Something and nothing make only the original something. Past, present and past. Past comes before, present comes now. Before, now, then. Present must be something to create a new thing.
Present is shaped by the past. What has passed to lead to the nothingness of present?
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Thought. Past. Remembrance. The past shaping the present through which comes the future. Past is something, was something. Present is nothing. Future will never be. The past shaping the present as it shapes the individual. Individual past. History. Memory. Awakening. My past. My memories. My present.
Pain. Grief. Hurt. Love? Tangible, harsh, brittle; something in nothing. To have something in nothing means nothing is something. Past shaping present. Remember.
People? Apart from the individual but individual themselves. One through the fact of thought. One, individual. Me, you. Individuality defined by different pasts. Different pasts means different presents. Yet as one apart, individuality combined, all pasts are relevant to all presents and must form a common future. Again nothing is wrong. Something. Someone. Somebody. Somebody expanded. Somebody beyond comprehension. Some me?
Me?
Me.
ME!
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Me. My past, my present, my future. Our future. We. Humanity. Us, individuals bond by thought. Thought. Remembrance. Past. Me. Shinji.
Shinji Ikari.
Me. Self. Perception. Thoughts individualized. Pain, grief, fear. No trust. Alone. Scared. Abandoned, apart. Togetherness. Fear. Judgement. Judged on what makes me. My past, my experience, my individuality. I am me. My individuality is me. To cease to be individual, I cease to be me. Cessation is an ending. No future. Death. Through thought comes revelation, knowledge grants insight. Individuality makes me who I am. Me, Shinji Ikari. Judgement of me defines myself in their eyes. Do I judge myself through their eyes? I judge myself by their reaction to me in their eyes. Judgement of self. Changing the self to fit their judgement. Changing self. Changing who I am, my individuality to fit their perceptions. Neglecting my own. Perception creates memory and thought. Betraying my individuality. Betraying my memories. Betraying me. Becoming less for me, less for the individual. Becoming more for the others, more for the same, losing myself in their judgement. Losing myself in their perceptions of me. Losing. Loss. Loss of self as I become more to their liking, betraying myself, becoming the non-individual. Non as in nothing, absence of self, death. Ending.
To live, I must be me. Individual and apart. Unique. Rebuild myself. Rebuild from the memories, my memories. Rebuild from my past, my own individual past. Be myself. Judge myself. Not have myself judged. Self. Me. Individual. I. Shinji.
Recollect. Remember. Be aware of the past that has shaped my present, and through that create my own future, apart from others, apart from cessation and ending. Judge my own choices; not have them judged for me.
Be me.
Be myself.
Create. Be. Back to what I am, what has shaped me at my core. My past to now. Now to my future. Be me. Live. Be born again. Be reborn. Use the past to shape this present, this rebirth of self.
Self.
Shinji.
Me.
I.
Am.
I am me.
I am Shinji Ikari.
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Disclaimers
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Standard disclaimers apply. Neon Genesis Evangelion, Shinji Ikari and related characters were created by Hideki Anno, Yoshiyuki Sadamoto and are copyright Project EVA, Gainax, NAS, Tokyo TV and ADV Films.
If any of this information is incorrect or absent, I offer my most humble apologies. No copyright infringement is intended, this is merely a work of fan fiction. I am in no way affiliated to any of these organizations, companies or individuals. Thank you for reading.
Written 7th July 2002. By Nicholas Paul Clark (Warriorsong). Reversioned 9th January 2008, just some punctuation changes. This fic was an analysis of Shinji and his stream of consciousness within the Instrumentality. Its very much focused on a sense of self and individuality. Which in itself says something. If the boundaries between all people are broken down we lose that individuality, that sense of self. Without that Shinji would have been unable to perceive Rei, Asuka and Misato let alone rationally conduct a conversation. That said they could have existed purely in his mind. But for him to have a mind he must have individuality and so on and so forth. For narrative purpose character reference is essential. However for the whole theoretical existentialism the Episode 25 and 26 within himself rough sketch "I am me and she is she" works a hell of a lot better.