Disclaimer: I don't own Justice League Unlimited.

A/N: Many thanks to Hhgbh for beta-ing (again!).

All Star Justice League

Squirrels?

Wally sat back comfortably in the back of the cab, welcoming Linda's presence as she slid in next to him, more than a little tipsy. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how one looked at it), Wally's metabolism prevented him from getting drunk for extended periods of time unless he had a near constant supply of alcohol, which rarely happened.

Unless it was a Justice League party. Or a Teen Titans party. Although the Titans didn't officially have any alcohol on the premises, it was there. Usually tucked away in Cyborg's room somewhere. Or Raven's.

Linda said something to the cab driver which was probably meant to be her address. But, one word inevitably slurred into the other, making it just come out as:

"Gleeablurgplase."

The cabbie nodded and looked at Wally, who gave him a smile.

"Seven Infantino Drive."

He gave him a thumbs up and pulled away.

Good God, cars were slow.

"There. Now see?" Linda poked Wally in the chest. "Isn't this better than running everywhere?"

"I guess."

"Are you sulking?"

"No."

He caved.

"Well, maybe a little. I just don't see why I couldn't-" he spotted the cabbie doing the usual 'pretending not to listen while I'm actually listening' thing that he and Beast Boy had practiced back in the day.

"Uh… why I couldn't drive us home."

"Because I thought you might have been drinking too." Linda paused. "Stupid," she added, nodding afterwards as though that made the sentence complete.

"Anyway…" she said, snuggling into him, "a cab drive is more romantic."

"Yeah. Except, y'know, you're kinda…" Wally made a 'glug glug' motion, then pulled a face with his eyes crossed and tongue hanging out.

"Is that meant to mean 'drunk'?"

"Yeah."

"Because it doesn't look like drunk."

"Yeah it does. Y'know… glug glug… and then the, uh… like…"

"Crazy face?"

"Yeah! Well, I… crazy face?"

She nodded resolutely. "Yeah… you've got kind of a crazy face."

"I do not."

"Not debating this. I'm very drunk."

Wally grinned. "I thought you were just tipsy."

"I am!" she said defensively. "I'm just…" She thought for a moment. "I'm on the cusp of being drunk."

"Cusp? Is that even a word?"

She looked up at him, resting her chin on his chest. A dainty finger lightly poked his nose.

"That's why I'm a reporter. I know these words."

"Yeah, but… cusp sounds like… something weird. Like a spoon or something."

"A spoon?"

"Yeah."

"Don't you mean a cup?"

Wally pondered this for a moment, trying to figure out the thought processes of a drunken reporter that would lead her to link 'cusp' to 'cup'.

"You mean because it sounds the same?"

"Duh."

He smiled. "Hey, you can't use that. That's mine."

"What? 'Duh'?"

"Yeah. I practically own that."

"You do not."

Wally nodded vehemently. "Yuh huh. Ask anyone."

"Like… work 'anyone'? Or, uh… work 'anyone'?"

"The second one."

"Oh, okay. Who should I ask?"

"Huh?"

"Who should I ask?"

"Oh, um… probably Dick and Roy."

She frowned, repositioning her head so she was looking out the window. "Dick and Roy? Have I met them?"

"Uh… I think you've met Dick. But Roy, no."

"Who are they?"

"They're buddies from when I was a teenager."

"Are they coming to my birthday party?" she asked drearily.

"Uh… what?"

"My birthday party. It's like… tomorrow."

Horror gripped Wally. "Oh! Oh yeah! Your birthday! Because, you know, I wouldn't forget that."

Linda looked at him. She smiled and closed her eyes.

"Make sure it's a surprise party."

A low snore vibrated through Wally.

The speedster looked up to the heavens and thanked whatever deity that had made Linda a lightweight.

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Wally wrung his hands as he sat on his sofa, staring at the switched off TV.

Birthday?! It's her birthday? How do I remember the friggin' Watchtower Janitor's birthday and not remember my own girlfriends'? This is crazy.

Luckily, Linda didn't remember Wally's panicked assertion from the night before, so a surprise party still had a chance of actually surprising her.

The doorbell rang, and the speedster opened it before the chime ended.

A slightly alarmed Dick Grayson stood before him, his finger still pointing at the doorbell.

"Hey, Wally. Is there-"

Wally poked his head out the door, looked down each end of the corridor, and pulled Dick through, slamming the door behind them.

"-a problem?"

"Uh… kinda. See, uh… I may have…" he cocked an eyebrow. "Is that a new jacket?"

The protector of Bludhaven frowned and looked down at the dark brown leather jacket he was wearing, his hands firmly lodged in the pockets.

"Um… yes. Why?"

"No, it's just… you never really, uh… bought stuff like that."

"Like what?"

"I dunno, like… recreational."

A black eyebrow rose. "'Recreational'? You do know it's just a jacket, right?"

"It's not just a jacket! It's like… a symbol that you're moving on." Wally snickered. "I remember… I remember at Gotham U… you'd… you'd wear these dorky sleeveless sweaters over your shirt. What were you, like, living in the forties?"

His expression darkened. "It wasn't my idea! Bruce bought me them. I mean… Alfred… I… shut up, Wally. What do you want?"

The speedster continued chuckling until he remembered what was going on. The horrified expression resumed.

"Oh, yeah. Well, I uh-"

Another ring came from the door, and Wally opened it, allowing Roy Harper to step through.

His two companions exchanged a glance before looking at Roy from head to foot.

"What?"

Wally raised a hand. "Dude… are you wearing your costume under that?"

The archer paused before looking down at the long, flowing trench coat. "Was I… not supposed to?"

"What? No!"

"But you said it was an emergency!"

Dick laughed. "Oh, this is great. Have you got a camera?"

The speedster almost smiled and nodded before remembering the severity of the situation. "No, no- never mind. Close the door. Sit down."

Reeling from the sudden spurt of instructions, Roy closed the door while Dick sat down on the sofa. Roy quickly joined him, meekly hiding his maroon and yellow costume with his trench coat. A small smile crossed Dick's face.

"Shut up," Speedy muttered.

"I didn't say anything."

Wally stepped in front of them. "Enough! Don't have time for this!"

Roy looked up at him irritably. "What's the problem, anyway?"

With a heavy sigh, the speedster began pacing back and forth in front of them, his hands behind his back like a military commander briefing his troops.

"Okay… I may have forgotten Linda's birthday."

"Oh. And when is that?"

Dick's eyes suddenly widened. "Oh God… it's today."

Both Wally and Roy stared at him.

"How the hell do you know that? I'm her boyfriend, and I forgot!"

"Hey, if it's any help, I forgot Barbara's birthday a lot. And Kori's."

"Psh. Yeah right."

"I did!"

"Right."

"I did! What, you think I'm so anally retentive I never forget anything?"

Roy snickered.

"You said 'anal'."

Dick buried his face in his hands. "Oh, for God's sake…"

Wally clapped his hands above his head at super speed, making both Dick and Roy cover their ears.

"That… has got to be the most annoying noise in the world," Roy said, cleaning out an ear with his little finger.

The speedster tilted his head. "You don't know annoying. Not yet, anyway. If things get screwed up with Linda, I'll annoy the crap outta you for the rest of your life."

"Why? It's not like it's our fault you forgot your one true love's birthday."

"It will be now, because you're involved, bucko!"

"What? No, no. I'm here for superhero business, not… sitcom crap."

Wally seemed ready to get angry, but instead relaxed into a sadistic grin. "Let me put it this way, Roy. If you don't help me, I'll…" he giggled and nodded his head to himself. "I'll show Ollie that picture of you and the squirrels."

Roy shrunk into the sofa cushions. "Fine."

Agonisingly slow, Dick turned to face Roy. "What… did you do?"

"Nothing!" Roy yelled, springing forward far too fast. "It's not my fault they were painting the-" he stopped before he could incriminate himself further. He looked to Wally. "Fine. I'm in."

The speedster smiled and nodded before looking at Dick. A cocked eyebrow asked the question for him.

Nightwing sighed. "Okay… I'm sure you've got some hideously embarrassing way of blackmailing me." He spared a glance at Roy. "But nothing involving squirrels."

"Enough with the squirrels!"

"You started it."

"No I didn't, they came after me!" he quickly clapped a hand over his mouth. "I mean… shut up, Dick."

This time Dick giggled.

Wally super speed clapped again.

Again, the two sofa-bound heroes covered their ears.

Roy scowled at him. "Could you get our attention in a less annoying way? Please?"

Wally ignored him. "Right, here's the plan. I've never bought anything big for Linda before, and her first birthday with me needs to be big. So, while Dick distracts her, Roy and I are going to-"

An objecting hand flew up in the air.

"Whoa, whoa," Dick cautioned, "why do I distract Linda?"

"Why? Don't you like her?"

"I like her fine, I'm just wondering why I'm distracting her. Am I just girly or something?"

Roy flicked the back of Dick's head, putting on an Austrian accent. "Vell, you do have ze girly hair."

The ex-Robin irritably slapped away his hand. "It's not girly, I cut it."

"Ah-ah, but I see a little rat's tail growing in back there!"

"It's not girly!"

"Who cut it?"

"What?"

"Who cut your hair?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Answer the question, or it's just gonna make you look worse…"

Wally went to clap his hands again, when Roy put a hand up to stop him. "Just… let him answer this question, and then we can get back to the plan."

The speedster, admittedly curious as to where this was going, looked at Dick expectantly.

Nightwing relented. "Fine! It was Kori. Kori cut my hair. Are you happy?"

"Does she put gel in it every day, too?"

"You're one to talk. How long did it take you to style that red fuzz on your hair?"

"Oh, snap." Roy got to his feet. "Did you just insult my hair?"

Wally put his hands above his head. "Do you want me to clap again? I've got some maracas in the cupboard if you really want to push it."

After a brief glaring contest with Dick, Roy sat down, huffing as he did so.

"Right…" the speedster breathed. "Now, Dick, you will distract her-"

"Yeah, I'm still blanking on why I'm the one to distract her."

"Because she knows you."

"No she doesn't!"

"I clearly remember you meeting at Bart's birthday party."

"That was Cyborg, you jackass."

"No, it was you. I said, 'Linda, I want you to meet the guy who looks after the Titans,' and then- ah." He smiled nervously. "Well, I guess that wasn't you." Wally shook his head to get back on track.

"Anyway! You're the only one dressed like a normal person."

"Hey!"

"Roy, c'mon. The trench coat, the yellow boots… you look like a fireman stripper."

The archer was about to scowl, but then decided he rather liked that idea. "Couldn't we just tell her that's what I am?"

Dick smirked. "Why? Afraid to tell her you're Speedy?"

"Don't say it like that."

"Say what?"

"Speedy. You said it in like, this… meeaaggh way. You made it sound all… gay." He crossed his arms. "Besides, it's not Speedy anymore. It's Arsenal."

Wally pulled away the trench coat around Roy's chest. "You've… still got an 'S' for 'Speedy' there, dude."

"That's an 'A'."

Nightwing and the Flash leant over for a closer look.

"No, it's not," the ex-Robin said.

"No, no, I can see it," Wally said, poking at it. "Oh, wait… no… no, that's definitely an 'S'." He looked up to Roy. "Maybe it fell off."

This prompted laughter from the Titan beside them, although Roy and Wally weren't entirely sure why. The speedster leapt to his feet.

"Anyway! Seriously, the plan! Dick, you will distract her-"

"But-"

"AAAGH! Stop it! Dick, you will distract her because you're the most normal person here, myself included! And Roy knows how to throw a party!"

The archer smirked at Dick. "True story."

Nightwing sighed. "But what am I supposed to do with her?"

"I dunno… you like… museums and… art galleries and stuff, right?"

Roy put on the Austrian accent again. "And you do have girly-boy hair."

Dick ignored him. "When have I ever shown interest in museums and art galleries? Have you got some imaginary Dick Grayson somewhere who likes all this stuff?"

"Oh, stop complaining. You made me do worse stuff."

"When?"

"Oh, I don't know… do you recall something called… 'The Donna Troy Incident'?"

Dick froze. "You swore you'd never cash that in. Not unless it was serious."

"Yuh-huh. Maybe that'll show you how desperate I am."

Without any further hesitation, Dick nodded. "All right. I'll distract Linda."

Roy's head whipped between the two. "Uh… 'The Donna Troy Incident'? As in, former Wonder Girl Donna Troy?"

Dick cocked an eyebrow at him. "You know another one?"

"As in… Donna Troy who is now called Troia?"

"Yes…"

"As in… Donna Troy, who I, Roy Harper, have had an off-and-on dating relationship with?"

"Yes."

A silence. "What'd you do?"

"You want to tell me about the squirrels?"

"…point taken."

"Okay!" Wally said loudly, clapping his hands and rubbing them together. "Let's do this."

Roy put up a hand. "Uh… I have a question."

"Yeah?"

"Well… I didn't really, uh… bring a change of clothes, so, uh… what're we gonna do about that?"

"No problem, you can just borrow some of mine."

"Oh, but… your clothes are so constricting."

"Yeah, but- wait, how do you know that?"

"I, uh… educated guess!" He cleared his throat far too loudly. "Uh, can't we just go shopping in costume?"

"I'm gonna pretend you didn't just say that."

"What? We did it all the time when we were younger!"

"Yeah, and it wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't trying to hide from Linda the fact that I forgot her birthday."

"…ah."

"Yuh-huh. Now get in my room, and put on my pants!"

"Sounds like a real party in here."

All three men whirled in abject terror. Linda stood in the doorway, sardonic eyebrow cocked.

"So… why are you putting on Wally's pants?"

Roy flipped over the sofa, the full 'Harper charm' activated.

"Nice to meet you, Linda. I'm Roy Harper. I'm a friend of Wally's. Although, uh…" he smirked and ran a hand through his short hair. "…you might know me as Arsenal."

A collective slapping noise came from Dick and Wally's direction as they both smacked their foreheads at the same time.

Linda shook her head slowly. "Sorry… the face is familiar, but uh… don't recognise Arsenal."

"I work with Titans East."

"Okay. Still don't know who you are."

He sighed. "Speedy," he muttered.

Her face lit up. "Oh, Green Arrow's sidekick!"

"Ex-partner."

"Oh, so those rumours were true."

"What rumours?"

"You know… about you two being, uh… partners…" she said, smiling and winking.

"What? No! No! No, that is just…" Roy backed away. "I uh… I need the bathroom…" He covered his mouth and ran to the aforementioned room.

At this point, Dick and Wally had reached Linda, both looking very conspicuous in their frozen forms.

"And, uh… you are?"

"I'm Dick Grayson," he said, robotically extending a hand.

"And… who are you?"

Dick instantly got what she was talking about. "Nightwing. But I'm not well known. By choice."

"Oh no, I've heard of you." She smiled and leant closer. "Truth be told, I've heard of Arsenal too. But y'know… he seems like a cocky ass, so…"

Wally wrapped an arm around her. "Is it any wonder she's all mine?"

"Anyway," she said, "what're your two friends doing here?"

"Okay, well… here's the thing. I have to go on patrol right now, but, since I know it's your birthday and all that," he smiled and winked, "I didn't want to leave you alone, so I brought you… Dick!" With a grand gesture, he pointed at the man in question.

Linda was silent for a moment. "Right… And what about, uh…"

"Oh, he's here to, uh… help me… on patrol. We're going after the same guy. It's like a joint effort… y'know?"

"Oh. Okay. When're you going out?"

"Uh, yeah. We, uh… kinda gotta get going now. I'll see you later."

In a blur of motion, Wally pecked Linda on the cheek, grabbed a Flash ring, got into costume, latched onto Roy, gave Linda another peck on the cheek, and ran out the window.

Dick tried to avoid direct eye contact.

She frowned. "Wait… so why was Speedy going to put on Wally's pants?"

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Wally, in full Flash getup, leant over the counter, hands firmly held behind his back.

"How about… that one?"

The store clerk nodded. "Excellent choice, sir."

"C'mon, Bill. You can call me Flash."

Speedy snorted beside him.

Bill shrugged. "Not while you're my customer. Sorry."

"Ah, it's okay. Can I take a look at that one?"

"Of course."

He handed over the necklace, and Wally inspected it as though he knew what he was doing.

Speedy huffed again.

"Would you stop?" the speedster asked irritably, glaring at him.

"Look, I said I'd help you out. That doesn't mean I wanted to go on a friggin' shopping spree. You take longer to choose something than any of the women I've gone out with."

Wally cocked a sceptical eyebrow beneath his mask.

"Donna doesn't count."

Wally kept on staring.

"Neither does Tina."

Silence.

"Or Risty."

Silence.

"Shut up."

The Flash grin returned. "Thank you." He returned to his inspection.

"I don't know… do you think she'll like this?" he asked, turning to Roy.

"How the hell should I know? I'm here to help with the party."

"Yes, but you do fiddle with your hair a lot."

"So?"

"So… you might know something about jewellery."

"How does that work?"

Wally shrugged. "I can picture you with earrings."

"Oh, thank you. Very much."

"No, it's a compliment, dude. You're comfortable with your sexuality, I get it."

Roy's scowl deepened. "I'm… what?"

"Yeah. You don't care how people perceive your, uh… preference."

"I… I what? I do! I… are you saying I look gay?"

"No… I'm saying you'd be comfortable with looking gay, if you looked gay. If. Hypothetical."

"And if I wore jewellery, I'd be gay."

"Well, the kind of jewellery Bumblebee told me you were looking at, yeah."

The archer's expression became ice cold. "Say what."

"Yeah. She said you, like… browsed once. A very, very long time ago. You were quite confused at the time."

"I was… what!?"

"Y'know… confused."

"No, I don't know! What the hell has she been saying!?"

"Geez, never mind…" he turned back to Bill. "Some people just need time before they accept who they really are."

Roy fumed. "You know what? I'm going. Good luck with this party with Dick shopping for you."

"Oh, now don't be like that!"

"Like what?"

"Don't get all huffy. If you're bored, you could always go shopping for party stuff without me and we'll meet up back here."

The archer and the speedster had a staring contest.

Roy relented. "Jackass."

Wally gave a triumphant smile and wink to Bill before once again looking at the golden necklace.

"Nicely done, sir."

"Thank you, Bill." His mouth scrunched up to the side. "Hmm… I don't know if she'll like this. She's already got plenty of necklaces. I mean, they're not this expensive, but she's got a lot anyway."

"A girl can never have enough jewellery, sir."

"Yeah, I know, but… this is special. Maybe some earrings." Something glinted out of the corner of his eye. "Ooo, or maybe those bracelets. They're good."

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Roy Harper frowned at the turn of events his day had taken. There he had been, comfortable and resting in his room at the Titans East tower. A bag of Doritos on one side (with optional salsa or sweet'n'sour dip), a six pack of beer on the other, and a 52" high definition plasma TV, 7.1 DTS surround sound heavy on the bass with HD-DVD 'The Terminator' about to start.

Then stupid Wally called with his stupid emergency that Roy thought was some stupid supervillain but it turned out to be his stupid girlfriend whose stupid birthday he stupid forgot.

Wally was stupid.

He tossed another streamer into his shopping basket far too violently, quickly followed by a mountain of party poppers.

An old lady next to him stared.

Roy ignored her and moved on down the aisle. He picked up some confetti and looked at the tube it was contained in. This stuff always went everywhere and got stuck in the most annoying, frustrating, hard to reach places. Wally would finding bits of confetti for years.

He threw five into his basket.

The old lady next to him still stared.

Roy moved on, still trying to ignore her. A sharp left turn at the end of aisle led into a quickened pace, and Roy again turned left, going into the next aisle.

He turned around.

The old lady was gone. With a cocky smile, Roy turned back and began shopping again.

Honed crime fighting reflexes clued him in to a presence behind him as he browsed the balloons.

Scowling, he whirled on his heel to face the old lady.

"What?"

She squinted at him as she looked him up and down, not at all affected by the sudden outburst. "I liked your other costume better."

"Uh… what?"

"Your old costume. The red and green one. And I don't care for the dyed hair."

Roy touched his hair with a confused hand. "Dyed…" he scowled. "I'm not Robin." He pointed a thumb into his chest.

"I'm Arsenal."

A frown creased her features.

He sighed. "Speedy," he muttered.

"Oh, the Green Arrow's sidekick!"

"Not sidekick, partn- I mean, ex partner!"

"Partner?" This time it was her turn to scowl. "Well, I can't say I approve, but I admire your honesty."

"What?" Roy scrunched up his face in disgust. "No, no! Not like that! Why does everybody instantly leap to that conclusion?"

"Well… you're not exactly dressed to impress, dear."

"The ladies say different."

"Do they? Well, I'm a lady, and I say different."

"Yeah, but you don't count."

"Why not?"

"…cause you're old."

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Wally nodded, satisfied. "Yeah, I think the bracelets. Definitely."

Bill smiled. "Excellent choice, sir. I'll just have them wrapped for you." The jeweller disappeared through a door into the back.

The speedster idly amused himself by tapping his fingers on the glass counter. Pale blue eyes casually gazed around the room as he thought of Linda's face when he threw the surprise party for her.

A heavy hand clapped down on his shoulder.

"Excuse me sir, but do you know this man?"

Sighing, Wally turned, knowing what was coming. A large security guard stood before him, his other hand clamped down on a sheepish Speedy's shoulder.

Wally shot his archer colleague a glare before sighing and looking up to the security guard. "What'd he do?"

"He knocked over three displays and broke one mannequin."

"…how?"

The security guard was silent for a moment. "An old lady pushed him."

The glare quickly gave way to a barely suppressed grin. "Old lady, you say?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, sir, but we'll have to ask you both to leave."

"What? Why me?"

"Those are the rules, sir."

"Can't I just… tell him to wait outside?"

A helpless shrug was the reply. "Sorry, sir."

Wally sighed. "Okay…" He looked over to the counter, seeing that Bill had yet to return. "Can we at least wait for my present to arrive?"

"Present?"

"Yeah, I, uh… kinda need it."

"I'm sorry, sir."

"No, seriously, I have to get this present. There's like, no wriggle room here. I need it."

The guard looked from Wally to the counter. "What's it for?"

Roy answered for him. "He forgot his girlfriend's birthday," he said far too loudly.

Everyone in the store turned to look at them, noises of disapproval and amusement echoing throughout.

A look of sympathetic pain crossed the guard's features, however. After a pause, he nodded.

"All right. You can stay and get the gift. But after that-"

Wally put up his hands. "We're outta here." He glared at Roy. "You ass."

"I try."

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Linda handed a cup of coffee to Dick, who looked so awkward he might as well have been falling over the furniture.

"So how long have you known Wally?"

"Um… since we were about 16."

"Same age, huh?"

"Yeah."

The reporter cocked an eyebrow at the superhero sat beside her on the sofa. "Conversationalist, huh?"

A wry smile played on his lips. The first sign of relaxation she'd seen from him.

"I was trained by the best."

"Oh? Who?"

"Uh… I can't say. I'm okay with you knowing my identity, but I'm not sure… he is."

"Is it Batman?"

"I… no."

"God, you suck at lying."

"I do not!"

"Yes you do, you're doing it again."

Dick crossed his arms huffily and sat back into the sofa. "No wonder Wally likes you so much…"

She smiled. "Wally's been talking about me?"

"Are you kidding? He won't shut up. It's Linda this, Linda that… seriously, I practically know you."

"What's my favourite colour?"

Dick smiled again, although this one was far more relaxed than the tight sarcasm of before. "Duh. It's red."

Linda considered the answer. "Yeah, but you could have just guessed that since I'm going out with the Flash."

"You hate getting up early in the mornings, but you hate getting up after noon. You favourite breakfast cereal is Lucky Charms. You don't like the colour green. Spain is your favourite country, although you don't know why. You prefer to be hot than cold, you don't like strawberry ice cream, and every time you visit Wally's apartment you check his Flash ring drawer to see how many costumes he's torn up since you last saw him."

A stunned silence was all she could muster for the longest time.

"He knows all that?"

Dick shrugged.

"…wow. I didn't know he paid that much attention."

"He can think at the speed of sound. He's got time to notice the little things. It's why he's always been good at these last minute-" Dick's eyes widened almost imperceptibly, and he quickly shut up.

Linda stared at him for a few moments. "I know he forgot my birthday."

"Pffft, what? No… no he didn't."

Linda cocked an eyebrow and nodded to the muted TV behind him, where a news cast was playing in silence. On it, Flash and Speedy were dejectedly walking out of a department store, Wally glaring at Roy the whole way before yanking him away at super speed.

Dick looked back to Linda. "Uh… is that the only evidence you have?"

"That… and when I mentioned it to him in the taxi ride home last night, he freaked."

"He did that stupid thing where he pretends he's done something, didn't he?"

"You know him well."

"Too well."

The two shared a laugh at the speedster's expense.

"You know…" Linda said, making herself more comfortable on the sofa, "it's funny what you said about Wally always talking about me."

"Why?"

"Because almost every time he gets back from the League, it's Dick this, and Dick that…"

"Really?"

"Yeah. Of course, sometimes it can be John, Shayera, Carter, Superman, Diana, J'onn, Ollie, Roy, Raven, Victor, Garfield, Kori, Jay or Bart, but most of the time it's you."

"Oh." Dick nodded and smiled. "Cool."

"Speaking of talking to significant others… do you have anyone?"

"Wally didn't tell you?"

"He talks about stuff you do, but when it comes to personal stuff, he doesn't like to blab about it."

"Huh. Learn something new every day." He shook his head. "I'm with… Starfire."

"From the Teen Titans."

"Right."

Linda nodded in approval. "You're lucky. She's hot."

Surprised by this, Dick shifted in the sofa. "I… yes. Yes she is."

"What? I can appreciate when someone of my own gender is attractive, y'know. I don't have to like it, but I can appreciate it."

"Oh. Okay."

She winked at him. "Admit it… you were a little turned on when I said that."

Dick turned as red as Flash's costume.

Linda burst out laughing, but quickly covered her mouth. "Sorry, I'm… sorry. I take it you're one of those guys who gets uncomfortable talking about stuff like that."

"No. I'm fine." Dick shifted again in the sofa. "What stuff?"

"Like… lesbians, and stuff like that."

The protector of Bludhaven shifted uncomfortably again.

"Okay, okay, I'll stop it now." She smiled. "You should have seen Wally's reaction when I said that I thought Fire was hot. He was moving so fast at the time he spilt hot chocolate over himself while sending his cereal everywhere." Her smile widened. "Next time we saw Fire he went catatonic."

Uncomfortable as he was, Dick couldn't help but smile at that. "I would have paid to see that."

Linda smiled. "I got it on camera."

All of his previous awkwardness faded. "I love you so much right now."

The reporter got up to go to the cupboard where she kept the DVD when a sudden gust of wind knocked her back to the sofa. She looked over at Dick, only to find he had been replaced by an equally bewildered looking Speedy.

"Uh…" He shook his head and blinked a few times beneath his domino mask. "He said I sucked, so he swapped me for Dick."

Linda nodded, nonplussed. "Oh." She pointed a thumb at the cupboard. "Want to see an embarrassing video of Wally?"

"Please."

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The scowl on Dick's face could be felt burning into the back of Wally's skull. He ignored the glare as he walked down the isle of party supplies.

"Flash. I'm Nightwing. I'm the terror of Bludhaven. Which I can't be if I get caught helping you with your shopping."

"Oh, don't be such a prude."

"Prude!? You threw my clothes away!"

"Yeah, well… I didn't have time to change."

"So you threw away my clothes?"

"Sorry. I just thought it was the fastest thing."

"Do you even know how much that jacket cost?"

The scarlet speedster shot him an amused look. "Did you buy that jacket? Like, not a woman or a butler?"

"I…" Dick crossed his arms and averted his gaze. "Yes," he mumbled embarrassedly.

"Didn't you once say that stuff was really shallow? Caring too much about your own appearance and stuff?"

"Yeah, well… I was tired of looking like…"

Wally grinned. "Like what?"

"Like a 90s reject."

The speedster laughed, and Dick's scowl deepened.

"Your Converse All Stars suck." Dick turned and left, moving to another section of the store.

The laughter disappeared, replaced by a deadly silence.

Wally's lower lip trembled. "So not funny."

Within a few seconds, Dick returned, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "Yeah, I uh… I was out of line with the Converse All Stars thing. Sorry."

"Say that they're awesome."

"What?"

"Say that the Converse All Stars are awesome, or I'm trading you back for Roy."

Dick smiled. "Oh, that reminds me. Did you really spray cereal everywhere when your girlfriend mentioned that she thought Fire was hot?"

"What? No. That's stupid."

He cocked an eyebrow.

"Okay, maybe," Wally sighed.

"I knew it. Any mention of anything like that and you freeze up."

"The idea of it is too hot! It scares me."

Dick laughed before something occurred to Wally.

"Hey, wait… why were you talking to my girlfriend about lesbians?"

A deep shade of red crept across his friend's face.

"Does that word make you feel awkward?"

The protector of Bludhaven vehemently shook his head.

"It does, doesn't it? Lesbian lesbian lesbian!"

"Stop it! Shut up!"

"Why does it bother you? Lesbian lesbian!"

"Would you stop it? It's because…" He looked from side to side before leaning towards Flash conspiratorially. "Kori once said that… on Tamaran, she uh… she liked to uh… uh… and it uh…"

Silence descended.

Wally blinked. "…oh…"

"Yeah."

"Well, that's uh… that's…" He blew out a breath, nodding his head. "That's very, uh… nice."

"Yeah."

Musak played. A baby cried in the distance.

"Let's move on, shall we?"

"Please."

The rumbling of an explosion close by stopped them.

"Oh, now there's an explosion…" Wally muttered before shooting out of the store, leaving his trolley-full of party items rattling down the isle.

He skid to halt across the street, where the front of a pawn shop had been blown open. Or the window had, at least. The door was wide open, so Wally wasn't sure why the robber(s) had decided to blow the window.

A flash of light from a piece of glass on the floor answered his question.

Mirror Master leapt from the shard, landing in front of Flash with far more grace than someone dressed like an orange and green clown should.

"Ah! Flash! So nice to see you!"

Wally's face fell. "W- oh, Mirror Master? Come on. I'm busy right now. Usually I wouldn't mind, but…" He sighed. "Okay, let's do it."

The Rogue frowned. "What?"

"Let's do it. You show me some new gimmick, I beat you up… blah, blah, blah. C'mon, we've done this enough."

Mirror Master smiled. "But this time will be-"

"-Different, okay, okay." Flash beckoned him forth. "Bring it on."

Scudder whipped out his Mirror gun, only for it to be swatted out of his hand by a birdarang. The criminal's shocked gaze settled on Wally.

The speedster shrugged. "Sorry, dude. I brought backup."

Nightwing swooped in, landing a kick to Mirror Master's head and sending him skidding along the ground. He knelt and picked up the Mirror gun as Wally zipped in beside him.

"Thanks. He gives me a lot of trouble most of the time."

"Then what was all that 'new gimmick, I beat you up, blah, blah, blah' stuff?"

"Distraction." He patted Dick's arm with the back of his hand. "C'mon dude, get on the trolley."

The protector of Bludhaven opened his mouth to ask about the 'trolley' statement when a blast of light hit Flash in the chest, engulfing him in a strobe light flashing cloud of energy.

Mirror Master smirked, and Dick tossed another birdarang, knocking the second Mirror gun from the Rogue's hand.

He grasped his wrist, but smirked nonetheless. "You're too late. Soon Flash will face his ultimate enemy… himself!"

Dick frowned and looked over at Wally. The flashing lights had dissipated, and the cloud around his friend was wafting away in the wind.

"Wally?"

"Yeah?"

He paused. That sounded like two people answering.

"You okay?"

The same double voice responded.

"Yeah, I just-"

The voice stopped, and as the cloud disappeared, Dick saw why. There were two Flashes before him. The only difference between the two was that one had a shiny costume (the one that Dick recognised), and the other didn't.

Mirror Master smiled. "You see? Now, Flash, look into the eyes of your enemy!"

The two speedsters took each other in for a moment before looking over at Mirror Master.

"Oh, please," they said in unison.

The Rogue didn't even have a chance to blink. Two red blurs circled him, and in the space of five seconds, he was unconscious.

The shiny Wally looked at the non-shiny. "Seriously. Does he think we've never had alternate reality stuff before?"

"I know. Seriously, he should Google this stuff or something."

Dick raised a hand. "Uh… Flash?"

They looked at him. "Yeah?"

"Uh… my Flash."

"Oh, okay." Non-shiny looked slightly offended.

Shiny gave him his full attention. "What's up?"

"Well, as non-freaked out as you are by this… this is all really weird for me, so…"

"Oh, okay." Shiny turned to Non-shiny. "Looks like we gotta send you back, dude. I'm kind of in a hurry, anyway."

Non-shiny picked up and handed over the Mirror gun. "Oh? What's going on?"

"I kinda forgot our gal's birthday."

"Really? It's her birthday today?"

"Yeah. You forget too?"

"Uh, no. It's just at a different time in my, uh… universe."

"Oh, okay." Shiny knelt beside Mirror Master and slapped him a few times to wake him up. "Hey. How do I send him back?"

"You really think I'll tell you?"

"Depends. Do you want two Flashes in Central City?"

"Press the blue button and fire."

Shiny grinned. "Okay then." He followed the instructions and took aim. "Ready to go?"

"Yep. Do it."

Wally fired.

The flashing lights resumed.

"And don't worry about it! Shayera's forgiving about this stuff!"

The lights faded.

Frozen in place, the two stared at the spot where the non-shiny Flash had been.

Dick took a breath. "Did he-"

"Yeah."

"And that's-"

"No."

"But-"

"Yeah."

"So-"

"Yeah."

"But you're-"

"No."

"Oh. Okay."

Wally nodded slowly, disturbed. "Yeah."

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Tears streamed down Roy's reddened cheeks. "Please… don't play it again… I can't… I can't take it…"

Linda just smiled knowingly. He looked over at her incredulously. "Aren't… aren't you finding this funny?"

"Yeah… but I'm seriously laughed out at this. I watched this so much after I got home I actually put our relationship at risk. Seriously, Wally threatened to break up with me forever if I didn't stop watching it."

"He didn't tell you to throw it away?"

"Nah. Long term stuff doesn't really occur to him."

"You noticed that too, huh?"

"Oh, please. One time we went to the park, and there were these ducks sitting around a bench, so he-"

The door burst open, and both Wally and Dick came through, the former holding out his arms in a show dance gesture while the latter stalked in irritably.

"Hey, baby! Just got off patrol!"

"Then why aren't you in costume?"

"Because someone insisted that I buy him some new clothes."

"You threw mine into a dumpster!" Dick yelled. "Even the jacket! The new jacket! The expensive new jacket! And the new shoes!"

"You had new shoes?"

"Yeah, not that you would have noticed while you were throwing them in the dumpster!"

"Okay, okay, stop yelling. You got your clothes back."

Dick crossed his arms. "But they're not mine…" he grumbled, staring at his toes.

Roy leant back on the sofa and pulled on his jacket sleeve. "I know something that'll cheer you up…"

He went back to the DVD menu, and pressed play.

A Brazilian accent came from the screen. "Hi, Flash. Who's this?"

"Uh… buh…"

Linda's voice came up next.

"I'm Linda Park. I'm Flash's girlfriend."

Dick sat down next to Roy on the sofa, his previous scowl replaced by pure joy. "This is great…"

"Oh, okay. How did you meet?"

"Duh… guh…"

Wally scowled at Linda. "You kept this?"

"You didn't tell me not to."

"What? Yes I did!"

"Y'see, right there, you meant to say 'no I didn't.'."

"I… what?"

"I said you didn't tell me not to. So you should have said no. Because that would mean that you did tell me not to."

The speedsters' eye twitched. "You…" He began to hyperventilate. "I…"

"Wally, Wally. Breathe. Okay? Just breathe. It's okay. Just say 'no I didn't.'."

"No I didn't."

Linda smiled perkily. "Well, I'm glad to see you agree with me. Of course I'll keep the DVD." She hopped into the sofa beside Roy and Dick, who both nodded their approval with closed eyes.

Wally stood perfectly still for a moment.

He held his hurting brain. "AAAAGH!"

"Oh, don't be such a baby," Roy admonished.

Dick grunted his agreement. "Yeah, be quiet, I haven't seen this before."

"Yeah, Wally," Linda said, enjoying this far too much.

"Oh yeah?" Wally leant down so his mouth was beside Linda's ear. "Well I got you some jewel encrusted bracelets. And… and a car! But you know what? You ain't getting them now."

Linda shook her head. "Wally… you didn't buy me a car."

"Oh, didn't I?"

He shot out the door.

The only noise left in the room was sound of Roy and Dick's guffaws at Flash's embarrassed antics on screen.

Linda looked over at them. "Did he actually buy me a car?"

Roy shrugged, and then looked over at Dick. "Did he actually buy her a car?"

A shrug of equal indifference to Roy's was the response. "I think so."

The Central City reporter froze for a moment.

Then she dashed for the door.

"Wally! Wally! Wait! I need a car!"

Roy looked over at Dick. "He so didn't buy her a car."

"Hell no. Lock the door."

The archer did so, and paused as he turned the latch. "Do you think Wally still has those action figures of ours he said he 'lost'?"

Dick paused the DVD and looked over at him. "Let's turn the place upside down finding out, shall we?"

They got to searching.

"Roy?"

"Yeah?"

"Squirrels?"

No response.

"Roy?"

"The Donna Troy incident?"

"…I think I found Captain America's shield."

"Yeah, you did."

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(A/N: This fic is going to contain whatever random JLU story ideas I have that aren't long (or relevant) enough to warrant being a separate story to themselves. They might be as big as this, or bigger, or they might by little ten sentence ditties. It just depends on what pops into my head.

Okay, let's see:

This was originally going to be called 'The Nightmare Returns' to be in continuity with two Teen Titans one shots I wrote about Wally, Dick and Roy (entitled 'The Nightmare Begins' and 'The Nightmare Continues'). But 'Squirrels?' is so much better.

Linda's address (Seven Infantino Drive) was named after the first artist of the Silver Age Flash, Carmine Infantino.

In my version of continuity, the Teen Titans show comes before Batman: The Animated Series. Yes, Dick is wildly different in the two shows, but I don't care. Just pretend he got hit on the head or something. Maybe Kori chilled him out. I don't know. They're just in continuity so I don't have to come up with brand new characterisations for people like Cyborg, Beast Boy, Raven, Speedy… and besides that, I like the Teen Titans characterisations, so there.

The Squirrels and 'The Donna Troy Incident' will never be fully explored. Ever. Just let your imagination fill in the blanks. It's far more horrifying that way.

I actually ended up confusing myself with Linda's 'you didn't tell me not to' thing, so if that doesn't make sense… just do what Wally did (which is what I did, coincidentally).

Anyway, reviews would be much appreciated!)