Note: I do not own Teen Titans, nor will I ever. (oh how I wish I could...)

So here's my first fanfiction, starring my favourite character, the adorably charming Beast Boy! I realise I'm probably out of character in most of my dialogue/thoughts/actions, but I've tried my best. I'd really appreciate some feedback, whether its constructive criticism or not. If you feel the need to spout off and tell me it's terrible, feel free ;)

So yeah... I'm finished with my rambling. Please read and review!

Rain drizzled downwards, its angry drops lashing out at anything within its reach, only softening every few minutes to let its brothers, Thunder and Lightning, play out their part in the vicious storm. The untimely beat that the siblings danced to was one of the only pieces of music that the citizens of Jump City didn't enjoy. Though the majority of its inhabitants were sleeping at this late hour of three a.m., the few that remained awake only stared out their windows miserably. All of them in a depressed mood that had been brought by the storm gazed out to where a large tower in the shape a T stood.

The normally bright tower in the midst of a large lake beside the city always seemed to hand out a feeling of security to whoever looked its way. Tonight, it could do no such thing. The torrential downpour hid the building behind its grey waterfall of tears. The screen of raindrops, the sole thing visible to the city people, only offered comfort to a young boy locked up deep within his room. Unlike the rest, he drew upon an unlikely feeling of safety from the rain. It, and it alone, provided a shield against the unwanted stares that so eagerly watched him and his team. The Teen Titans.

Eyes tilted upwards and hands balled up in fists at his side, the boy could do nothing but stare outside and weep. A bottomless pit of sorrow and hurt was whelming up inside him, threatening to engulf his entire being. The past horrors and deaths he had put aside so many times before was now bubbling over the top, spilling guilt, grief and self-torment. He could have done something. He could have saved them. Why did he let them die?

A savage cry escaped his lips as tears trickled down his face, and he collapsed on the floor, head buried in his hands. They had worked so hard for him, and he had just let them slip through his fingers. They were his whole world, something he had promised to protect no matter what and he failed. They had cured... No. The boy shook his head, ears flopping. They had temporarily cured him.

Breathing became difficult as his thoughts progressed. It wasn't fair. Not fair. He grabbed the nearest chair, and threw it against one of the four walls enclosing him. A white-hot powerlessness was coursing through his veins, and the sense of failure was mounting. He had to let it out. It was all closing in, suffocating him.

The slight, wooden frame shattered on impact, and only added to the boy's furious distress. The chair wasn't enough. A green lamp quickly followed the chair, and then a stream of useless belongings once strewn across the floor trailed it. No one but himself heard the roars of anger and helplessness from the boy, which only amplified his cries. Raven had finally sound-proofed his room after listening to the heated guitar solos and drum beats of the boy's music, at a volume so loud it shook the Tower. Now he could listen to it without the constant nagging of the other residents. It also provided him with a sense of privacy, where he could drown in his emotions alone.

The continued crashing and tinkling of formerly treasured objects lasted for several minutes as the boy released the scarred suffering inside his mind. A final scream erupted from his mouth as he hurled an already torn book against his bed, and then slumped against the wall, his anger spent. His chest heaved up and down as he panted heavily, the tears trickling down his cheeks considerably slower now. The feeling of an uncontrollable despair clouded his mind, and the boy curled up into a tiny, shaking ball.

The anger, the guilt and the haunting grief inside was always there. He wished it would go away. It all always resurfaced after a bad day. Every time, it was about his parents. He couldn't face the Terra incident, or the horrible feeling of inadequacy in front of the other Titans. It was too fresh and recent. For now, it would be enough to keep it buried.

Only a few hours later, well after he had finally crawled into bed, a small knock at the door woke him up from one of the many nightmares that plagued his sleep. Jolting upwards, he rubbed the fatigue from his eyes and straightened out his uniform before plastering a smile on his face and opening the door. I Might as well wake up. A few hours of sleep is what you're used to. The usual dull expression that adorned Raven's features stared back at him.

"Hey Raven, wassup?" The faked eagerness and delight in his voice disgusted him. His pretentious happy mood was pointless. Why crack jokes when you're cracking inside?

"I was just looking for-" She stopped in mid sentence, her hooded eyes showing a rare flicker of life and stared at his face. Uncomfortable, Beast Boy shifted from one foot to another, still smiling, always smiling. After a few seconds of awkward silence, she said in her dry voice, "You're bleeding."

She nodded to the corner of his mouth where a thick droplet of blood was making its way down his chin. The boy quickly wiped it away and offered the gothic girl a toothy grin. "Must have bit my lip." He said lightly, while his heart bottomed out. This can't be happening. "You were looking for something?"

He swayed as a sudden wave of nausea hit like an oncoming semi-truck. Not now, please. Clutching the doorframe, he steadied himself as surreptitiously as he could.

"My book." She muttered, and eyed him closely. "Are you okay?"

The boy grimaced as his stomach clenched tightly, sending spasms through his entire body. Isn't the anger enough? Do you have to torture my body too? One day. I only forgot one day. "Just had some bad tofu. No worse than your green tea though." He fought to keep the smile on his face, well aware that Raven could probably see right through his lie. "Sorry Rae, I don't have your book."

Raven raised her slanted eyebrows as she glanced into his chambers. "I wouldn't be surprised is you did have it in there. It's worse than ever." Her eyes scanned his space, widening slightly in shock and curiosity. Torn clothes lay across the floor, only visible on the one side. On the other side, broken bits of furniture and belongings lay beneath a scratched and dented wall. The only thing that remained untouched was the small bed in the corner of the room.

Seeing the piercing interest in Raven's gaze, the boy quickly stepped in front of her. The feelings of queasiness had passed just as quickly as they had come, but he knew they would be back. She needs to leave. "I know. I'll clean up in a while." He interjected, and then furiously scolded himself for being so careless. She would definitely suspect something now; he never cleaned.

True enough, Raven immediately became sceptical. "Okay..." She murmured, watching him warily before turning around to leave. As a way of saying good-bye, she looked back at him and his room. Big mistake.

"BEAST BOY!"

The hair-raising shriek made the changeling jump as Raven charged past him and into his room. In one fluid movement, she had bent down, grabbed a dark object, and had given Beast Boy the darkest of stares. It was a stare that made his blood run cold and stop all together. He looked away, fear driving away the next internal assault on his body.

"You... Book..." Terrified, the boy forced himself to look at his friend. Her eyes were closed and she was breathing heavily. She looked strange in the sea of his trashed room, clinging to a book that was held together by a couple threads. The book he had destroyed only hours earlier. Oh shit.

The girl was obviously reaching out for control. That smile that he had wrestled with so hard now dropped like a dead bird. Like a dead heart. His heart. Biting his lip, he tentatively stumbled towards her, and laid a timid hand on her shoulder.

He could feel her trembling under his touch and her breathing became quick and irregular. From the anger, no doubt. "Raven?" He whispered, scared that she would explode. The feeling of hollowness was returning, and his shoulders slumped slightly. He could do nothing right. Curse him for being so stupid to choose to throw one of her books. "I'm sorry. We can fix it. Please, just let's get out of my room."

As frightened as he was of her, the thought of hanging around in the shattered memories of his room depressed him even more. He anxiously tugged on her cloak, but the girl wouldn't move. Please raven, move. He could feel his muscles writhe in pain as a sudden shock flew through his body. Lips tightened, he kept back the scream that wanted to break free. "Raven... Please..."

Enraged, the girl whirled around and pushed him back with strong mental force. Beast Boy winced as his already pained body hit the wall. "Do you have any idea how stupid and shallow-minded you are?" Raven was screaming at the top of her lungs, all previous frustration with him overflowing. "This book is a special edition, and only one copy exists! You're so useless Beast Boy! I hate you, and I never want to see you again!" The boy watched her in horror as she raised her arm and flung him across the room. He hit the opposing wall with a sickening thud. "You're always getting in my way, and getting into my stuff! You're a waste of space and a waste of time! I HATE YOU!"

A red demon rose up from the darkness of Raven's hood, and she lunged at Beast Boy with a snarling fury. A frightened squeal emanated from the changeling, and he dashed towards the door, only to be caught up in her cloak. The red tendrils wrapped around his throat, constricting the air that flowed to his lungs. As she lost herself in the anger, her victim felt himself slipping away in the current of fear and lack of oxygen. His fear-driven eyes looked up to her four, glowing ones. "Rae..."

Alerted by the noise coming from Beast Boy's room, the remaining Titans rushed to his room, and were horrified to see the demon unleashed. Without thinking, Robin charged into the room and leaped up, bringing Raven down by her waist. Starfire and Cyborg quickly followed, who dragged the green boy out of danger's way. Deliriously, he stumbled upwards and out of the room. Before any of them could react, he had broken a window and flown out, dropping perilously, before the winds caught beneath his wings.

Raven snapped back to reality, only to see a green eagle flying out into a raging storm of treacherous winds and stinging rain. Her heart cried out in pure fear for him, but guilt, anger and Robin held her back. Tears sprang to her eyes and she screamed for him, a tortured and harsh sound that grated against her throat. What had she done?

Azarath Metrion Zinthos... Azarath Metrion Zinthos...

Deep in thought, beyond human contact, Raven was meditating like usual, much to frustration of the rest of the team. For the past few months, the rest of the team hadn't been able to extract more than a word or two from her, if that was even possible. She was constantly meditating, retreating to the lonely safety of her mind. The Titans, surprisingly, missed her dry company. They didn't know, that the extra meditation was necessary for skirting the most painful memory she had created.

Beast Boy was gone.

After Raven had yelled and screamed at him, he had hysterically stumbled out of the tower, much to her surprise. He had never been affected by her words before. No matter, she had been too angry and too guilty to follow him and let him disappear.

Azarath Metrion Zinthos, Azarath Metrion Zinthos, Azarath Metrion Zinthos...

The repetitive chant was coming faster and stronger now as her breathing quickened. She didn't want to remember. It was dangerous. If she remembered, she would feel. If she felt, she would destroy the city. Despite her best efforts, she couldn't stop the emotions from flooding in.

Later that night, Robin had called the Titans to search for their green friend. He was missing from the tower, and it was all Ravens' fault. She remembered feeling a mounting rise of panic when he wasn't found, and the overwhelming disappointment in herself and the need to scream in desperate need for him to return.

Over the next four months, the four remaining friends exhausted their technology, connections and minds, using all their energy to look for the missing green shape shifter. Regardless of their hard work, he wasn't returned.

As they rolled into the fifth month of being a four-man team, noticeable changes were observed by the public. The tension that always followed Robin had now tripled, and the bounce that gave Starfire her personality was gone. Cyborg was uncharacteristically pale and drawn; he had even stopped babying his beloved car.

Worst of them all was Raven, who had closed herself off entirely. She blamed herself for the whole ordeal. As a result, she was never without red eyes and increasingly grey skin. When she wasn't hiding beneath her mountainous cloak, bones protruded from her shoulders and deep bruises decorated her legs. The non-existent meals she ate provided her no nutrition, and she was constantly battling a cough. Depression followed her like a lost, grey puppy she couldn't rid.

To try and keep her despair and guilt at bay, Raven meditated whenever she wasn't needed. She tried to keep herself in control, but being left alone with her tortured thoughts was almost worse than being busy. When she was doing something, she could at least keep Beast Boy out of her mind. Oh, how she longed to hear the cheery voice she used to despise so much. She would give anything to have him back.

Azarath Metrion Zinthos... Raven dove back down for control, driving away her thoughts. Void of emotion. You have no emotions. You have control. A feeling of weightlessness settled over her and she continued chanting. Azarath Metrion Zinthos. Control yourself. Azarath...

A soft knock at her door a couple minutes later broke her intense concentration. "Raven?" A gentle, one-cheery voice emitted from the hallway. "Are you occupied with the time of meditating?"

The gothic girl felt her heart bottom out and she took a shaky breath. Starfire didn't even call her 'friend Raven' anymore. She unfolded her legs and touched the ground, giving up the will to contain her feelings.

"No Starfire, I'm not busy. What do you want?" The door opened to reveal an unkempt girl with fiery hair tumbling down in greasy strands. Once vibrant green eyes had now dulled to blank orbs of misery and her former clean attire was in a desperate need of a wash and iron.

A sad smile spread across the Alien's lips. "Only to perform the most sacred of ceremonies for friend Beat Boy. It is a ceremony of what Earthlings call mourning, I believe. Kholrigg'd is for the remembering and..." She faltered, and hung her head to hide the salt crystals forming in her eyes. "The letting go of a lost one."

Raven breathed in sharply. Letting go. Letting go would admitting her friend was gone forever. It would mean that there was no hope for him or the rest of the Titans. It would mean for them to be doomed to a failing team.

As a way of avoiding the decision, Raven took a good, hard look at the redheaded girl. She had done a lot of crying over the past few months. Of course, Raven had too, but she hid it behind a veil of sardonic haughtiness. Even Robin's mark seemed to be a great deal tighter than usual, and Cy's one human eye glistened once in a while. They were all sick of crying.

"Okay Starfire." She murmured. She didn't want to remember anymore. "But only because I don't want to think about him anymore." Taking her friend by the arm, Starfire led Raven to her room, where they would prepare for the Kholrigg'd.

A couple hours and many mishaps later, Raven and Starfire were standing in a darkened living room, elaborate candles lighting up their sombre faces. The boys had agreed to be a part of the ritual, but by the looks on their faces, they weren't as serious as the colourfully dressed girls. They had been forced to ear yellow and orange suits that faintly resembled tuxedos with fluffy cuffs.

The four of them slowly started chanting a foreign song in deep monotones that echoed throughout the Tower. The words had been taught by their alien friend, and while trying to teach them the proper pronunciation, they had seen the rare frustrated side come out. "No! It is not sounding like a glorvork beast. It is sounding like a Yaffgan." And then would proceed to make a strange guttural noise from one of her nine stomachs.

Even after the long hours of rehearsing and many complaints, they had all miraculously pulled together and were now in a single file, standing in front of the giant computer system. Once their chant reached a crescendo, they would start their way to Beast Boy's room and set fire to his possessions, which was to be controlled by Raven.

Taking a deep breath, the usually dark girl added her emotionless voice to the exotic melody. Starfire had insisted that they all wear the traditional clothing, but much to her dismay, the traditional clothing for women was nothing more than a two-piece bathing suit with multiple feathers and sequins made of polished silver. If only Beast Boy could see me now. He'd die laugh-

No! He was already gone. She had to stop thinking about him, because it was useless. So useless... She could feel her eyes brimming with tears, and she hastily dragged herself back to reality, only to lose herself in the song. As they raised their voices, Starfire took a small step forwards and said, "Follow me friend, and cease not the singing of mourning."

Obediently, they followed her and she broke out into another tune, a keening sound that drove straight into Raven's heart. Oh, how she missed his ruffled green hair and unfaltering smile. She wished she could hear another one of his jokes. Maybe one about Happy and ducks. He always loved jokes about her emotions.

Once the four of them of them stood in front of his room, the song abruptly cut itself off and they stared into the depths of his dirty abode, almost expecting him to pop out from an empty box of soda pop, and cry, "Gotcha!"

Hands shaking, Starfire stepped forwards, trying her best to hide the tears that were flowing down her rounded cheeks. "Raven, please throw the flaming candles in the room of friend Beast Boy first." Her voice was as hesitant and scared as Raven felt. The gothic girl looked in his room with an apprehensive fear as she reached out and surrounded the walls in a protective coat of black energy. She used to hate this place so much.

"Why don't you ever clean that disgusting mess you call your room?" Raven demands, wrinkling her nose in disgust. "It has a vile small that's clogging up the entire Tower!" The two Titans are in the common room, and Raven has her hands on her hips, staring down at the green boy.

Beast Boy just smiles readily and lazily stretches himself across the couch. "Why won't you brighten up your room?"

The questions catches Raven off guard, but she fires up immediately. "Because I like it that way and it-"

"Exactly. I like my room the way it is, and it gives me personality." Beast Boy interjects, his smile going past his eyes, making him look like he knew something she didn't. "Plus, if I cleaned it, I would change, just the same as if you added cheerfulness to yours, you would change and I wouldn't want that. I like you just the way you are, just as you like me the way I am."

Raven opens her eyes wide, startled. Beast Boy had said something intelligent and true, as though he could see into her precious hear. She looks at him angrily.

"You've just been chatting with my delusional emotions, haven't you? It isn't true at all! I think you're the most disgusting and annoy-"

Again, Beast Boy cuts her off by laughing, his emerald eyes sparkling as though starlight had been captured by his charm...

Raven brushed away the tears on her face, and held out her candle. "Here's to the night we felt alive," she whispered. "Here's to the tears we cried for you, and here's to goodbye. This is for you Beast Boy."

The Titans watched the candle fall, as if in slow motion, into the midst of his mess. It crashed onto the carpet, breaking their hearts. Just as the flame started to lick the first piece of rotten pizza, the doorbell rang. The grave attentiveness broke, and they all looked at each other in shocked confusion. No one ever used the doorbell. Not once.

They all ignored the growing fire and quickly headed downstairs, piling up on each other in a mad race to open the door. Among the grunts of pain and shouts of "I'll get it!" feathers and sequins were strewn throughout the hallways.

Raven pushed the other three away with her mind as she reached the door first. "I'll get it." In her voice she left no room for discussion, so they all waited behind her impatiently. Slowly, horror-movie style, the door opened.

Raven screamed.

I'll probably get the next chapter up in a week or two. :)