Disclaimer #1: The following fic is not for children or sensitive readers. It contains many subjects that may offend many people. If you are offended by people talking about death, normal and not-so-normal relationships, mud wrestling, hentai, and drug usage, you are advised to stop reading now, and save yourself from being scarred for life. Of course, if you're not a total weenie, sit back and (hopefully) enjoy.
Disclaimer #2: I do not own Digimon, or any of its characters. If I did, I would be rich, and this fic would be a scene in one of the episodes. Unfortunately, I am poor, and this fic will never be a scene in any of the episodes, which is probably for the best. Please excuse my insanity, and usage of dub names.
Izzy's Secret
It was a normal day in the Digiworld. The sun was shining, Biyomon and Hawkmon were arguing about something or other in the distance, and Gomamon was trying to steal Tentomon's tree. Joe and Izzy sat in the clearing, waiting for the other Digidestined to return from the lake, where they were all goofing off.
"I am so utterly bored," Joe said as he sat back on the ground, closing his eyes. "How can you stand it?"
Izzy remained silent for a few moments, typing something on his laptop. The sounds of Sora and Tai fighting could be heard in the distance. "It's about time..."
Joe opened an eye. "Huh?"
"For those two to break up. It's not really fair for either one of them to use each other to cover up what their true desires are." Izzy continued typing.
Joe sat up, opening his eyes. "Ok, you got me. What do they truly desire?"
Izzy smiled. "Well, Tai's in love with Matt, and Sora, I think, is bi. At least, if her secret career as a mud wrestler at the strip club downtown is any indication of her own preferences."
"....."
"So I guess if they break up, that means Sora will be available. Which is a good thing, because there really should have been an even amount of male and female Digidestined." Izzy stopped typing for a moment to smile triumphantly. "Yes! I knew that sooner or later I'd find a valid credit card number! Foxy Ladies of Anime website, here I come!"
"....."
There was silence for a few minutes, until the sound of an angry Tentomon yelling at Gomamon could be heard. "I told you to stay away from my tree!"
"What's so special about that tree, anyway?" Gomamon asked.
"Nothing! And it certainly is not where Izzy hides his secret stash! Um, oops..."
There was silence for a few more minutes, until Joe broke it. "Why do you think that there's such an uneven amount of male and female Digidestined?"
Izzy shrugged. "Ignoring the new kids, I think it all makes perfect sense. Tai and Matt obviously care about each other, they're simply in denial of their feelings toward each other. T.K. and Kari, while still young, are obviously meant for each other. Which leaves us, Sora, and Mimi. Which means that sooner or later, I'll have to kill you."
Joe slowly started backing away from Izzy. "And why would you have to kill me?"
Izzy looked up from his laptop. "Less competition. The fewer straight guys there are, the better my chances at forming a harem are."
"....."
Izzy looked thoughtful for a moment. "Now, to recruit Yolei into my harem, or not to recruit her into my harem. That is the question. Of course, if I recruited her, I'd have to kill a lot of people in the process..."
Joe continued to back away from Izzy. "And why would you have to kill more people?"
Izzy smiled. "I have to get rid of the competition somehow. Of course, that's only if I decide to recruit her into my harem. Right now, I'm not sure who her crush of the moment is."
"I thought she had a crush on you."
Izzy shrugged. "Her crushes change so much that it's hard to keep track. First she had a crush on me, then she had a crush on Ken, then she got a crush on that dork from America--"
"You mean Mimi?"
"Well, although Yolei did have a crush on Mimi at some point, I was referring to that preppy dork Michael." Izzy smiled, a gleam of insanity in his eyes. "I wonder if they ever did find his body."
Joe backed away even further until his back bumped into the log on the side of the campsite.
Izzy shrugged, the psychotic look on his face disappearing. "Anyway, after her crush on the dork ended, she got a crush on Shurimon--"
"....."
"--And I have no idea who her current crush may be. I know that her crush on Ken came back when he turned good again, and eventually her attentions turned to Kari, but the point is that Yolei is not harem material. I need all my harem girls to be completely loyal to me, and Yolei doesn't strike me as being the loyal type. Which means that if I do decide to recruit her into my harem, I'll have to kill some of the competition in front of her to ensure her loyalty."
Watching the redhead warily, Joe slowly stood up. "Um, I think I'm going to join the others. Gomamon's always telling me that I need to loosen up some, so..." He quickly turned around, making a mad dash to the lake where the others are.
Izzy watched Joe run away, then started cackling. "God, I love messing with people's minds." He went back to typing on his laptop, then paused as a curious odor drifted into the campsite. "Hey, Tentomon, what's that smell?" He glanced toward the tree Tentomon was supposed to protect. "Hey, get out of my stash!"
Disclaimer #2: I do not own Digimon, or any of its characters. If I did, I would be rich, and this fic would be a scene in one of the episodes. Unfortunately, I am poor, and this fic will never be a scene in any of the episodes, which is probably for the best. Please excuse my insanity, and usage of dub names.
"I am so utterly bored," Joe said as he sat back on the ground, closing his eyes. "How can you stand it?"
Izzy remained silent for a few moments, typing something on his laptop. The sounds of Sora and Tai fighting could be heard in the distance. "It's about time..."
Joe opened an eye. "Huh?"
"For those two to break up. It's not really fair for either one of them to use each other to cover up what their true desires are." Izzy continued typing.
Joe sat up, opening his eyes. "Ok, you got me. What do they truly desire?"
Izzy smiled. "Well, Tai's in love with Matt, and Sora, I think, is bi. At least, if her secret career as a mud wrestler at the strip club downtown is any indication of her own preferences."
"....."
"So I guess if they break up, that means Sora will be available. Which is a good thing, because there really should have been an even amount of male and female Digidestined." Izzy stopped typing for a moment to smile triumphantly. "Yes! I knew that sooner or later I'd find a valid credit card number! Foxy Ladies of Anime website, here I come!"
"....."
There was silence for a few minutes, until the sound of an angry Tentomon yelling at Gomamon could be heard. "I told you to stay away from my tree!"
"What's so special about that tree, anyway?" Gomamon asked.
"Nothing! And it certainly is not where Izzy hides his secret stash! Um, oops..."
There was silence for a few more minutes, until Joe broke it. "Why do you think that there's such an uneven amount of male and female Digidestined?"
Izzy shrugged. "Ignoring the new kids, I think it all makes perfect sense. Tai and Matt obviously care about each other, they're simply in denial of their feelings toward each other. T.K. and Kari, while still young, are obviously meant for each other. Which leaves us, Sora, and Mimi. Which means that sooner or later, I'll have to kill you."
Joe slowly started backing away from Izzy. "And why would you have to kill me?"
Izzy looked up from his laptop. "Less competition. The fewer straight guys there are, the better my chances at forming a harem are."
"....."
Izzy looked thoughtful for a moment. "Now, to recruit Yolei into my harem, or not to recruit her into my harem. That is the question. Of course, if I recruited her, I'd have to kill a lot of people in the process..."
Joe continued to back away from Izzy. "And why would you have to kill more people?"
Izzy smiled. "I have to get rid of the competition somehow. Of course, that's only if I decide to recruit her into my harem. Right now, I'm not sure who her crush of the moment is."
"I thought she had a crush on you."
Izzy shrugged. "Her crushes change so much that it's hard to keep track. First she had a crush on me, then she had a crush on Ken, then she got a crush on that dork from America--"
"You mean Mimi?"
"Well, although Yolei did have a crush on Mimi at some point, I was referring to that preppy dork Michael." Izzy smiled, a gleam of insanity in his eyes. "I wonder if they ever did find his body."
Joe backed away even further until his back bumped into the log on the side of the campsite.
Izzy shrugged, the psychotic look on his face disappearing. "Anyway, after her crush on the dork ended, she got a crush on Shurimon--"
"....."
"--And I have no idea who her current crush may be. I know that her crush on Ken came back when he turned good again, and eventually her attentions turned to Kari, but the point is that Yolei is not harem material. I need all my harem girls to be completely loyal to me, and Yolei doesn't strike me as being the loyal type. Which means that if I do decide to recruit her into my harem, I'll have to kill some of the competition in front of her to ensure her loyalty."
Watching the redhead warily, Joe slowly stood up. "Um, I think I'm going to join the others. Gomamon's always telling me that I need to loosen up some, so..." He quickly turned around, making a mad dash to the lake where the others are.
Izzy watched Joe run away, then started cackling. "God, I love messing with people's minds." He went back to typing on his laptop, then paused as a curious odor drifted into the campsite. "Hey, Tentomon, what's that smell?" He glanced toward the tree Tentomon was supposed to protect. "Hey, get out of my stash!"