I don't own any of the characters in this fanfic. Don't sue me.

Peach awoke to find herself shackled to a grimy dungeon wall. She thought hard about her next move.

"Mario!" she wailed. But the tall red-haired man who stepped out of the shadows definitely wasn't the Italian plumber of her dreams.

"Princess Peach," said Ganondorf with a grin. "Prepare to be deflowered!"

Peach gasped, and suddenly, a pointy-eared young man in a green tunic dropped from the ceiling behind Ganondorf. The tall man turned around to face Link, his arch nemesis.

"Why are you such a jerk, anyway?" Link said, getting pumped for the inevitable fight.

Ganondorf's eyes went away as he was consumed by a sepia-toned flashback. He remembered the days of being a young lad, the only boy in a desert village of Gerudo women.

"Poor little boy," they had said mockingly, "Not tall enough to get the Triforce?"

And short Ganon had screamed at the top of his lungs that he wasn't short and that soon the Triforce would be his. The bigger girls would then take turns kicking sand into his eyes.

Ganondorf's attention was restored by the sound of Link unsheathing his sword. With a shield in his right hand and a sword in his left, Link dove through the air headlong at Ganondorf.

Ganon sidestepped the attack and kicked Link in the ribs. The guy in green let out a yelp and got up.

"The only thing you have to look forward to in life is death!" Ganondorf exclaimed.

Link tossed his shield aside and brandished his sword with both hands. With a scream, he again charged Ganondorf, this time with greater speed. His blade went through his target's neck.

Ganondorf's head hit the ground, and his body fell seconds later.

"You killed him!" Peach screamed. She had never seen death before, let alone a gruesome decapitation.

"I did, didn't I?"

Suddenly, an overweight man in overalls and a red cap appeared.

"Princess, I'm here to save you!" he said with a slight--but not overpowering--Italian accent. He froze when he noticed Peach chained to the wall, and Link holding a bloodied sword. "You butt pirate!"

"You're the butt pirate!" Link retorted.

"Mario, he saved me!"

"Not now, Princess," he said, "This guy needs his pipes unclogged."

Mario stormed Link, who was hesitant to use his sword. He grabbed him by the legs and swung him in a circle before sending Link right into the wall, nearly hitting Peach.

"You're drunk!" the princess screamed.

"I'm not drunk, I'm just buzzed." He then began to pursue Link again. Link quickly returned topside. He saw his shield lying on the ground and picked it up. He slammed it forcefully into Mario's head. Then he smacked Mario's face with the flat of the sword, sending the plumber to the ground.

Mario got up, wiped Ganondorf's blood off his face, and flicked it off to the side--speckling Peach. He threw both hands far into the air and started running at Link, who sidestepped. Mario hit the wall and stopped to rub his sore nose. He ducked quickly and Link's sword buried itself into the wall where Mario's head had been.

"Dayamn!" Mario interjected. He kicked Link in the gut and sent him toppling to the ground, landing right on an old skeleton's rib cage. Link howled with pain.

Mario looked around for a weapon that would rival Link's sword and found Ganon's head. He picked it up and tossed it hard, just as Link had returned to his feet. Plop! Link was knocked unconscious.

"Is he dead?!" Peach screamed.

"I wish," Mario said. "Oh yeah, as I was saying. I'm here to rescue you!"

Chapter two is probably on its way!