Jensen sat on Jared's bed looking at his hands. They trembled slightly, but it was more anticipation than fear. He had come back from the set early, telling the producers that he wasn't feeling well when in fact, he couldn't bear to be on the set anymore; close to Jared.
He had come home and gone straight into the shower. The hot water had helped him calm his racing heart down and he even used the shower scrub that Jared said smelt good on Jensen. He had shaved the way Jared had told him he looked good in, wore the shit that Jared had complimented him on once and even sprayed the cologne that Jared had given him for Christmas.
Sitting there on the bed, staring down at his hands, playing the conversation he was going to have in his head over and over. Jensen didn't hear the front door open, but he started when the bedroom door opened.
Jensen looked up a little surprised at the equally surprised face staring at him.
"Jen? Hey man, you okay?" Jared said, setting down the sling bag he was carrying by the door, a look of concern on his face. "Kim told me you left the set early… what's wrong?" Jared was taking off the beanie he was wearing and pulled off his outer shirt; in the house they were staying in together, the temperature was set just right for Jared's temperature, a little cool for Jensen, but he didn't mind.
Jensen swallowed and bit his lip a little, "Uh, Jay, could you… could you sit down for a minute?" Jensen asked and Jared looked at him with a confused look but proceeded to sit next to Jensen on the bed, but a little apart.
Jared smiled a little at Jensen, "What's up Jen? …And why are you so dressed up, huh? You got a date?" Jared joked and nudged Jensen's shoulder playfully. Jensen chuckled a little but he couldn't bring himself to fully appreciate the joke. "Jared, uh… I want to tell you something, but you have to promise that you're not gotnna freak out… okay?" Jensen said and looked up hopefully and a little fearfully at Jared. Jared's smile faltered a little but, he said encouragingly, "Whatever it is, I won't freak, Jen. You know me better than that, c'mon!"
Yeah, I know you better than that, sure, Jensen thought darkly before steeling himself and he opened his mouth, "," Jensen said at lightning speed.
Jared put his hands up, "Woah, woah, Jensen, slow down! Now what did you say?" Jared said trying to calm the near-hyperventilating Jensen down.
Jensen sighed and took Jared's hand in his, much to Jared's surprise. "Jared," Jensen said and looked straight at Jared. In the back of his mind, Jensen realized how perfectly their hands molded together; how each line and contour fit perfectly together, but right now, he couldn't process it properly. "Jay," he tried again, "I love you… I don't mean I love you, but I'm IN love with you, and I wanna know if you feel that way about me too."
Comprehension slowly dawned on Jared's face and he retracted his hand from Jensen's. "Oh," he said and looked away slowly. "Oh," he said again, "Uh… Jensen, I'm not… I'm not like that, man. I mean… yeah, I loe you, but… just as friends. I'm… not gay."
Jensen's heart felt like something was stabbing it. He pictured this conversation going in a completely different direction. He pictured Jared telling him that he loved him too, that they would be together, that they would face everything else after that together; but this was going in a completely different direction.
Jensen's lip quivered a little, but he pushed the tears in his eyes away. "Jay… What about… I mean, the looks, the dinners together… the late night suppers… me coming over to your parent's place…?" Jensen said, voice and breath hitching a little.
Jared shook his head and sighed deeply. "Jensen… I'm sorry you saw it that way, I really do, but I didn't mean anything by it. …I'm really sorry."
A tear streaked down Jensen's cheek and he quickly wiped it away. "Nah… it's my fault… I shouldn't have been so rash." Jensen stood up and smiled at Jared although his heart was breaking, although his head was screaming at him and although the shield keeping his tears back was crumbling. "I… You need to bathe, Jay, you smell like a sewer," he said, chuckling and he turned to leave, but as he was walking through the door, he felt Jared's arms come around him and felt Jared press himself again Jensen's back.
The tears broke through and Jensen stood there, rooted to the spot with Jared hugging him from behind. Jensen put his hands on his face and sobbed, his body shaking violently, but Jared just held him and let him cry it out.
"I'm sorry I can't be the man you want me to be, Jensen," Jared said softly and Jensen's knees went weak. They slumped to the floor and as much as Jensen wanted to be away from Jared, as much as he wanted to just run out of the house and just go somewhere… anywhere; he stayed there and let Jared hold onto him.
Half an hour later, Jensen had finally calmed down but had a dead look on his face. He was still being held by Jared and although Jared's legs had fallen asleep a long time back, he continued holding on to Jensen.
"Jen?" Jared said slowly, but Jensen didn't respond right away. Jared thought that Jensen had fallen asleep, but Jensen's body suddenly moved and Jensen got up with zombie-like movements.
Jensen turned and looked down at Jared with a dead look in his eyes. "You're never going to tell anyone about this, Jared. And you better listen to me – no telling your family or any of your friends… Just… please forget about this."
Before Jared could answer, Jensen was walking back downstairs to his room. He would bear this alone, he would push this as far down as he could. Jared didn't want this… so Jensen wouldn't want it either.