Dedicated to the memory of Grace Wintle, the most amazing girl this world has ever known. 12/4/89 - 21/6/11
A/N: Apologies if this doesn't fit canon, it wasn't written as a fic, I just realised it fit quite well and edited it slightly to fit these two, partly because of the serious guilt over not posting in so long. I know it's short but something is better than nothing, right? Let me know if anything doesn't make sense and I'll edit it. Thanks.
They say that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but "they" always tend to be the people who are happily in love rather than the people why have just lost that one person they could happily have spent the rest of their lives with. "They" say it because they're trying to make us feel better. Well here's a piece of news for you; it doesn't.
"They" wouldn't say it if they knew how it felt. Hearing a laugh in the street that sounds so much like hers that you wander around aimlessly for half an hour trying to find her, because you heard her. Bursting into tears when someone says your name, because that's the tone she used when you did something that you knew you probably shouldn't, but did anyway, mostly just to see her reaction. Feeling the wind blow through your hair, and remembering how she used to whisper "I love you too" rather than "I love you" into your ear last thing at night, because she knew that's what you were thinking.
And it's worse, so much worse, when you knew what was going to happen before it happened. When you've had nightmares for years that she was dead, and you wake up in the morning, and still, after all this time manage to convince yourself that it was a dream, that she isn't gone, not yet, and it hits you all over again when you finally figure it out. It's mornings like that when you have to force yourself to stop picturing that moment, when she went away, died, and you just sat there, powerless to stop it.
You have to sit and look at the pile of technology in the corner, the useless junk, which could have saved her life, but didn't. You want to rage at it, to scream and shout and destroy it all, but you can't, because it was part of her, and it would mean you were destroying what little you have left. When memories are all you have, you can't take away the things that force you to remember.
Yes, they say it is better to have loved and lost. And I admit that loving you has been the highlight of my life, and even if you hadn't forbidden it, I wouldn't change a moment. But I'd rather live the rest of my life in cold indifference than go through this pain of losing you again. You've broken my hearts.
I miss you sweetie.