Title: Woodland Critters
Author: captainbartholomew
Disclaimer: I don't own WWE, but hey if I won the PowerBall I could and then nothing, but brotherly feels and hurt/comfort! Bahahahaha! I also don't own any recognizable song lyrics or musical numbers.
Summary: This was one of those times Dean thought he was actually going to be committed to the Ambrose Asylum. Cracky. Oneshot.
Blame/Fault: Sometimes cap drinks a little too much of caylendar's Kool Aide and this is what happens. If you read my review to caylendar's story, "Dean Ambrose: Kitty Master," you saw I made a comment about Seth, woodland creatures, and singing, thus this little fic was born.
*a/n i: If you are wondering where I have been, I'm in the midst of "adulting." What Is And What Should Never Be is a slow work in progress, but caylendar and I are working on a fic we are sure you all will enjoy in the somewhat near future! In the meantime, I figured why not give you all some cracky fanfiction to read to tie you over.
(XXXX)
Dean Ambrose swore he had shut the window in the hotel room last night before going to bed. The room had been stuffy so the Shield boys had let it air out while they were out at the arena performing in front of their adoring fans. Now though in the early morning hours a bit of sunlight trickled in while a slight draft swept through the room causing Dean to wake up, shiver, and want more blankets to cuddle in.
Who on earth had decided to reopen the window?
He knew it couldn't have been Roman. The Samoan man never got out of bed before 8 am if he didn't have to. Roman liked his beauty sleep… like a lot and unless you wanted to be Superman punched across a hotel room then you would leave the Powerhouse alone while he snoozed.
It couldn't have been Dean unless he had been sleep walking again. The Lunatic shuttered just thinking of the terrifying incidents of his sleep walking adventures the majority of the roster had witnessed over the course of the last few years.
That left one person who could have opened the window: Seth freaking Rollins.
But why would Seth of all people open the window? Dean thought for a second maybe it was part of some new elaborate health workout trend Seth wanted to take part in. That was a possibility, right?
As the breeze drifted throughout the room and Roman's muffled snores beat out a rhyme, Dean silently cursed Seth for opening the stupid window again in the first place. As the Lunatic unwrapped himself from his well put together blanket burrito to get up and shut the window, he wondered where his little brother was anyway? Dean snorted in disgust as he inched closer to the window thinking Seth, the little turd, was already up, eating breakfast, and getting a workout in. Leave it to Rollins to be a morning person. Man, did Dean despise morning people.
Just as Dean had reached the window and was about to close it, did Seth emerge from the bathroom carrying a plunger. Seth's torso was wrapped in a frilly lace skirt and and a daisy flower crown was placed pristinely atop his head. Behind Seth were several small furry creatures like rabbits, bunnies, squirrels, and was that a deer poking its head out of the bathroom?
"Come my little friends, we must tailor The Shield's wrestling gear before-," Seth started talking to the small woodland creatures, but abruptly stopped once he caught sight of Dean who was standing in front of the window staring back at Seth dumbfounded.
There was awkward silence that was only filled with the squirrels chittering as Dean tried to comprehend what the hell was going on. Seth didn't make any motion to attempt to explain himself. It was Dean who finally found his voice and dared to break the silence between them.
"So, uh Seth what are you doing up? I mean I figured you were just going for a workout. And I don't know… NOT LIVING LIKE A FUCKING DISNEY PRINCESS AT 4 AM!" Dean screamed slightly freaking out over the little woodland creatures and waiting for an explanation from his brother on why the hell these animals were in their hotel room. God, if Hunter found out there were animals in here, they'd be dead meat and jobbing to The Usos for the rest of their careers, if not lives.
"Dean," Seth stated in a calm tone while carefully adjusting the flower crown on his head, "There is a logical explanation for all this, I swear. I just… oh hell… hit it boys…"
Before Dean could fathom what was going on, the animals started humming completely in tune. Okay, that was really freaking creepy. And then Seth belted out a note Dean didn't even think the young wrestler could reach in his vocal cords.
"Let's get down to business," Seth sang out as the animals danced around him beginning to clean the hotel room and grabbing The Shield's ring gear in order to hem the vests in the appropriate places to make sure they fit better. Dean blinked in confusion as more birds flew throw the window behind him scaring the ever living daylights out of him.
"All right everyone, time to tidy things up," Seth continued as he then broke into another line of song while walking over to Dean and somehow magically producing another flower crown placing it atop the Lunatic Fringe's head, "Come my little friends, As we all sing a happy little working song, Merry little voices clear and strong, Come and roll your sleeves up, So to speak, and pitch in, Cleaning crud up in the kitchen, As we sing along."
"I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, but I'm waking Roman up right now and we're going to go see the Doc. I'm pretty sure you have a concussion. No one breaks out into a weird musical number or has animals helping them clean," Dean announced, but before he could say more did Roman pop out from under the covers of the other bed wearing a tiara with a pink feather boa wrapped around his torso and humming along to the tune of the wild animals, "WHAT THE? ROMAN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"
"Oh, stop being a poor, unfortunate soul Dean and become part of our world," Seth chided before he started singing again to the woodland creatures, "And you'll trill a cheery tune in the tub, As we scrub a stubborn mildew stain, Lug a hairball from the shower drain, To the gay refrain, Of a happy working song."
"Dean join us! You know it's part of the Circle of Life!" Roman chided as he outstretched his arms so the little birds could land on him, which the critters did happily of course, "It's all a part of Hakuna Matata. I mean I've got a dream and we want you to sing with us!"
"Yes join us, Dean!" Seth continued pausing to let the animals sing the last of a refrain, "You've got a friend in me, just sing with us and the animals!"
Dean couldn't believe what he was witnessing. Roman and Seth singing while the animals were cleaning the hotel room and hemming their wrestling gear. This was screwed up. What on earth was happening? Had he finally actually lost his mind? Was he going to be committed to the real Ambrose Asylum?
"Please Dean! Sing with us and the woodland creatures. You'll love it!"
"Sing with us and it will be a whole new world…"
(XXXX)
"No Seth, keep your crummy woodland critters away from me," muttered Dean as he flipped onto his side rolling back and forth on the couch in discomfort while Roman Reigns looked on unsure of what to do about his brother. The Lunatic was talking in his sleep again.
"Come on Dean," Roman stated as he continued to shake his brother's shoulder to wake up the Lunatic. Dean had been asleep for two hours after having his afternoon playdate with Maya. The girl could really tire a grown man out, "It's time to get up!"
"No, no I don't want to sing with you, Roman. Not you either Seth. Get away from me you freaky flying squirrels! Just leave me alone!" cried Dean as Roman rolled his eyes and finally pushed his brother off the sofa in his living room.
The Lunatic's eyes flew upon and began to attempt to wrestle out of the twisted up blanket he was in. Dean blinked around in confusion not realizing where he was. He looked around dumb founded and then looked up to find Roman giving him a perplexing look and waving at him as if greeting him back to reality.
"You had the dream where Seth was Snow White again, didn't you?" Roman asked incredulously as Dean refused to make eye contact with his big brother.
"Yes, no, I mean how do you know about that?" Dean scrambled to explain himself but his words were failing him horribly. With a sigh of resignation, a bright blush crept across his face as he looked at Roman in shame, "What gave it away?"
"The keep 'your crummy woodland critters to yourself' comments," Roman said with a shrug of innocence, "I knew you shouldn't have had that second helping of Double Fudge Brownie ice cream after lunch. It does really weird things with your mind, man. I mean the fact the last couple of times you've eaten it, you've had this reoccurring dream where Seth is Cinderella-"
"Snow White," Dean quickly interjected slightly ashamed he knew what fairytale his subconscious was pulling these ridiculous ideas from.
"Whatever, I don't care if it's Ariel or Tiana, they all sing with animals. Just lay off the ice cream or I will video tape you the next time this happens. Put it on the internet. And watch all the fangirls go gaga over the Lunatic Fringe dreaming about having a singalong with The Architect instead of waking you up."
"You wouldn't dare!" Dean practically shouted. Had his voice really just cracked with his scream?
"OH, I can and I will!" Roman exclaimed smugly while crossing his arms in front of his chest trying to intimidate Dean. The Lunatic shook his head in a disgust at his brother. Leave it to Roman Reigns to use his wrestling catchphrase as a blackmail line against one of his own.
"Fine," Dean sighed again, "I'll lay off the ice cream, but we swear to NEVER EVER speak of these incidents again."
Roman could only get out a nod of approval before they were interrupted by Seth walking into the room with Kevin following closely behind. It had been Roman's idea to have his brothers over for a long weekend to spend time with his family. Plus Maya had been begging to see her Uncle Seth and Uncle Dean for quite some time. Kevin was just an added bonus playmate for Maya. Seth hadn't wanted to leave the poor dog home alone.
"Hey, have you guys seen my glasses? Maya wants me to read her a story and…"
Before Seth could say more did Dean let out a shriek that would have rivaled a banshee and fled the room in fear as soon as he caught sight of Seth's outfit and the small furry animal following him. The young high flyer was wearing a flower crown of daisies laced atop his head and plastic butterfly wings wrapped around his shoulders. Roman began to laugh hysterically while trying to hold back tears. Maya had once again made her Uncle Seth play with her for the latter half of the afternoon and somehow dress up had been one of the chosen activities. Roman guessed arts and crafts had been an activity too judging by the daisy crown atop Seth's head that was not very well crafted.
"What? What's so funny?" questioned Seth staring at his older brother somewhat annoyed and confused by his laughing and Dean's sprinting out of the room.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you, Princess."
The End
*a/n ii: Reviews are the wrestler of your choice serving you tea and crumpets during the Tea Party known as Life while wearing a flower crown just for you! Thanks for reading! –cap :)