Note: Taken from the idea of my last Kim Possible fan fiction. Motor Ed gets a deal to carry his original show and market it to the late night viewing audience. Unlike the last time with the Ron Stoppable fiasco (which had no bearing on the show's popularity, ratings or income), Ed proves the show will delve into the psyche of the "motor heads", the head bangers, the faded glory rockers...society's misfits. Despite the name of his show, it's anything but serious. He even interviews his enemies, and not many villains can say that without blowing a gasket and going bizerk.
"It's ok to live to rock, but you have to eat to live."--Gene Simmons, recent newspaper article about KISS Coffeehouse
Chapter 1—But, You'll Be Competing with Letterman and Leno
Edward Lipsky, Drew's older brother, had been given the opportunity of a lifetime. His late night show had been such a success that the producers wanted him to put it up against big competitors like Letterman, Leno, Conan and Jon Stewart. Ed welcomed the competition. If anything it would give his show more interest. Seriously Motor Ed was already doing exceptionally well but he had to reach out to more than just the aging hipsters, baby-boomers, motorcycle fanatics, car lovers, head bangers, and glam rock wannabes out there. There was an untapped market he hadn't even reached and that was the strange subculture of the coligiate mind. None had ever ventured into how these students really thought, but Ed wasn't afraid of the unknown. He would take the reigns and boldy venture into dark, ominous territory in the name of higher ratings, even if it ended as a wild goose chase.
After reviewing his necessary research, Ed began to pitch ideas around and made the show more appealing for the coligiate mind, whether it was sophomoric or magna cum laude. Fairly soon he was making strides in his ratings once again. He even had merchandise that was flying off the shelves in his merchandise factory a few blocks down the road. But, the competition was getting a little bit hot under the collar. He had received calls from Leno, Letterman, Stewart and Conan. It seemed that late night was only so big for one of the 5 of them and they all had their specific stations that they owned a share of. They did not want the newcomer coming in and stealing their thunder from them. There was only one practical solution to this and that was a showdown on national television...seriously.
Chapter 2—Facial Feature Flaws are Hilarious
The following night, Ed had put on his motorcycle gloves, leather and decided to use only the heaviest metal known to man as his introduction music and the welcoming music of the "guests" he had coming in. Knowing his trash talk from the inside out, he would make these posers see who could rock and who had no rockability whatsoever. It was going to be a battle of wit and skill...and Motor Ed had both !
Letterman had been the first guest to walk out and talk to Ed. Ed cracked his knuckles in anticipation. He was prepared to give Letterman a good roasting. He could think of a thousand dental jokes so rapidly that David would not have a chance to rebutt or open his mouth to speak.
Doing this would reinstate the popularity of the show and more viewers would want to see a battle of this calliber. It was like a debate, only more enjoyable and far more entertaining.
"Who was your father, dude ? Donkey from Shrek ?", Ed said, snickering, and the audience howled. The live viewers were getting a charge out of Ed's insults. They were some of the best insults many of them had heard. A lot of the audience members were writing down the insults for parties, picketing outside the office for higher wages, or whatever circumstance allowed them to be a little rambunctious.
"We'd best keep you away from any soccer or football fields if you know what I mean...I mean jeez...Dude, look at that gap. It's so large you could catch a soccer ball in it !", Ed said, laughing wildly. David did not like being taunted and he had endured more than he could tolerate. Not saying anything he walked off the stage and wished Leno good luck.
Leno came on next, having no idea what he was getting himsel into. The other guests who were in the green room, thinking they would be in for either a fair interview or calling Lipsky out for his sometimes low-brow and crass humor. But they would not have a say, nor did they get any warning. As far as the roasted victim was concerned, those saps were on their own.
"Duuuuuuude, don't point your chin in this direction...Might poke my eye out.", Ed commented. Leno didn't seem the least bit deterred and fired back at him.
"Haven't you heard, the mullet is dead.", Leno retorted, straightening his coat in a cocky fashion.
"Oh, I have not yet begun to fight, Mr. Leno. If you want some, bring it.", Ed said, gesturing in a confident manner. Ed usually wasn't an instigator, but this was the first time someone had developed a witty retort to his former insult. This would be a long "chat" indeed but he would not allow Jay to make any cracks about his television show. It was alright if the insults were directed at Ed because that really had no effect on the show as a whole. Although Ed was the icon for the show, these short battles of wit and cunning only increased viewer response.
Soon, Conan and Stewart joined Leno in roasting Lipsky alive. They had used every "so you live with your mother" joke in the book and Ed just threw back more "compliments" about Leno's chin, or Conan's hair. It was hard mocking Jon Stewart because he had very few, if any flaws. The only flaw he had was he could be a little bit over the top, and then before they knew it, an uninvited guest came in.
"Did someone call for impromptu comedy ?", a hyperactive voice rang out.
"Actually...no.", Edward said, demurely.
"I didn't ask your opinion, you aging hippie !", Steve Carell said, being able to be seen by the audience now in the limelight.
"Hippie ! You're a straight-laced tight wad !", Ed fired back at Steve Carell. A completely unplanned fight occurred right then and there and the censors had to shut the cameras off since it was getting too out of hand.
Chapter 3—Seriously Cancelled !
Many a man's dignity had been slaughtered during the so-called "roasting". A riot had broken out in the audience and most of the studio had been torched. It was as if KISS had come to play a concert and the viewers were participating with the band. Producers and cameramen were running around, looking quite irate. At this time, the special guests had already left while the rioters teared the studio to the ground, well, nearly to the ground.
"LIPSKY ! Do you understand how much money this is going to cost !", the main head honcho Carlos screamed at the top of his lungs. Carlos was usually an easy going guy, but he was clearly embittered with what had happened.
"Yes Sir...I am aware. Jeeeez, this is bummer isn't it ?", Ed answered, not looking directly at him.
"I have a solution to that. You're not going to receive your paycheck this time...Nor will you ever again. I never should've hired a headbanger like you...", Carlos said in an enfuriated tone, crossing his arms.
"I could help clean up if you wanted...", Ed offered, eyes still downcast. He hated being put in a position where he didn't look macho or exhalted. This was an embarassing day in his existence. What he had just said had only escalated the situation.
"Clean up ? CLEAN UP ! Listen, Holmes. I don't have time for your excuses. If you didn't get my hint earlier, Lipsky...You're FIRED ! F-I-R-E-D ! Fired !", Carlos said, pointing angrily at the door, or...what was left of it. Dragging his feet behind him, Edward sighed in a melancholy manner. But he could understand Carlos' rage. After all, he had ruined the studio all because of his immaturity. So much for fame and fortune.
Epilogue
Ed found himself playing his guitar to asuage his sorrow and the sweet, sweet tones of his axe was the only medicine he needed to calm himself down. Besides, he didn't need The Man telling him what he had to do and what he could or could not do. He was a supervillain. It was lovely being in the limelight for a short time, but being a villain was what he was best at. He would look forward to antagonizing his nemesis in whatever shenannigans he took part of.
At least now, he had fans who would ask for his autograph every so often, and just the thought of that, as well as being a villain was enough to make him grateful he was such a righteously radical villian.
The End
June 30, 2006