Reminisce

Susan's light, graceful footsteps climbed the jagged rock, which bordered the creek. She watched the butterflies dance, and heard the birds sing. She looked to her left and saw a great oak tree, its branches reaching out in all directions. As she sat down on the wet stone, she found herself reminiscing. This place reminded her of the river by Cair Paravel. The streaming water, the voluptuous trees, the peaceful aura. It was the closest thing that even began to capture Narnia's immense beauty. Everything else around her felt sepulchral and dead.

Her hands made their way up to her dark, chocolate-brown hair. It was shorter now; it was cut at her chin. This was her first haircut in just over 8 years. Even though her last "haircut" did not happen at a barber shop, it happened almost invisibly. Before she walked back through the wardrobe, her hair had grown well past her waist. Then, when she fell back into the Professor's house, it was back to her old, mundane haircut. As if her power and her confidence as a Queen disappeared as she returned to her school girl clothes and her standard haircut.

After they returned back "home" in England, Lucy fell into a childish stage of depression. She no longer found joy in playing with the other children. When they would pretend to be Kings and Queens in a made up land, Lucy would drop out and would immediately become quiet. Lucy had already been a Queen, and she felt a silly game simply made a mockery of it. Edmund on the other hand became more sociable. He began to take and interest in the being with other children, and became benevolent, even obsequious towards all of his "friends". Then, even though his friends were appreciative, sometimes they found the urge to take advantage of him. Within the span of four years, Edmund had gotten his heart broken 4 times, and had lost at least 5 friends.

Then…there was Peter. Peter had become a man. He was valedictorian, got a steady job, and started a healthy, long-lasting relationship. Her name…was Rose Hallows. Peter met Rose his senior year in high school. Rose had been in Peter's math class, but he never before had approached her. She had fair, delicate skin, freckles, and beautiful, long, black hair. They had been going out for 21 months when Peter proposed. It was 8 seconds later when Rose said yes. They planned for a spring wedding a few months later, and the date was set on June 3. The whole town was invited, everyone loved Peter with Rose. Everyone except Susan.

There were times when Susan could remember specific events in Narnia, when moments between her and Peter seemed more than just a little friendly. Directly after the coronation, Peter looked at Susan and blushed.

"You look beautiful today." He said as they stared out into the sea. Susan smiled and looked down at her feet.

"…Thank you."

Then, two months later when Peter grabbed Susan's hand and dragged her into a closet to avoid going to their afternoon lessons. In that small closet, Peter looked into Susan's eyes and smiled…he was still holding her hand.

There were the times where Susan knew that she cared for Peter in more than a healthy way, and she knew he felt the same way. It was a stormy night, Susan was 19 and she had just found out her boyfriend had cheated on her. Peter saw Susan sitting on her bed crying, and he went over and sat next to her. Susan lifted her head and met his gaze.

"…He wasn't the one. He isn't good enough for you." Peter said reassuringly. Susan shrugged.

"Still it hurts….He was so kind at first, I never would've thought he'd do that!" Peter placed his hand on Susan's shoulder as he moved closer to her.

"…he wasn't the one for you…I'm sure of it." Susan smiled and looked back up at Peter. She saw Peter look at her lips. The silence grew awkward. "…he wasn't…"

Peter leaned in towards Susan, Susan felt her heart racing. Peter gently pressed his lips against hers, and she returned the favor. She ruffled her hands through his dirty blond hair as Peter laid Susan on the bed. Their gentle kisses soon turned fiery and passionate. Susan felt such pleasure from Peter's touch that she began to help him take off his clothes. Peter panted as he threw off his shirt, and Susan began to moan as Peter returned to kissing her neck. Susan wrapped her legs around Peter's waist and pulled him closer to her body. Within minutes, the two were unclothes, and tangled in a web of pure, exciting, passionate sex. Susan knew then that they both felt the same thing. A love too strong for their own good. A love that was forbidden.

The following year consisted of many things. Love, pain, betrayal, love-making, fighting, sadness, happiness, and moral issues. Their love was not easy, and it was not meant to be, but it was true. With every hurdle, their love grew stronger. Then, that fateful day when the two Kings and two Queens spotted the white stag took place. As soon as they all fell back through the wardrobe, Susan glanced towards Peter, and he saw him hide his eyes in disgust and shame.

The next week, Susan still maintained her love for Peter, but Peter almost instantly felt the guilt of what they had done. He saw it as wrong, and unethical, and began avoiding Susan. Susan would try to schedule time with Peter, but she instead found him going on dates with other girls. Susan could not fully understand why, but inside, she knew that Peter would always be her one and only love. There were times when Peter could no longer bear the unthinkable amount of pain deep in his chest, and would slip into Susan's bed at night to share one passionate night. The days after their night of passion, Peter would always give Susan playful glances, and they would meet in secret to make-love. Then there were moments when the couple became too obvious.

One day at the Sunday market, Peter constructed a bracelet out of rose stems and slid it onto Susan's wrist. He then held onto Susan's hand and smiled. What neither of them knew was that the boy that hated Peter, Mitchell, was standing behind a nearby pillar, watching everything. So when Mitchell saw Peter and Susan holding hands romantically, he constructed a plan to get exactly what he wanted. The next day, Mitchell approached Peter and gave him an ultimatum. Either give up Susan without giving her an explanation or Mitchell would go public with Peter and Susan's unethical relationship.

Peter chose the first option.

During the next week, Peter purposely avoided Susan, but Susan had no idea why. This gave Mitchell the opportunity to try to comfort Susan. Susan however rejected Mitchell on many occasions, and persistently avoided him. Susan was plainly not interested. She would rather live an empty life without love, than try to convince herself that she didn't love Peter, while being with the wrong man. Meanwhile, Peter asked out his classmate Rose. No one knew, but she bared an uncanning resemblance to Susan when she was older, when she had been a Queen in Narnia. Her fair, delicate skin was almost exactly like Susan's. Rose's freckles were placed exactly where Susan had hers. Finally, Roses' black hair was practically identical to Susan's hair when she aged. Susan always liked to think that Peter chose Rose because of those traits that seemed to apply to her, but in the end, she thought Peter just chose because of her personality.

When Peter and Rose moved out of Peter's house, everyone gathered to say goodbye. Peter first gave a hug to Edmund, his little brother that taught him so much. Rose hugged Susan, and smiled greatly. Susan tried smiling, and had actually gotten quite good at faking smiles now. When Peter finally got to Susan, he tried not to stare into her eyes. Something inside Susan snapped. She grabbed Peter's chin and lifted up his head, so that his eyes met hers. She looked into his deep brown eyes and saw his pain that he buried deep within himself. She smiled and tried holding back her tears.

"You're one lucky man." She forced out. "-To have found Rose. To have found your soul mate." She added bitterly. Those last five words burned Peter, and Susan knew that. She partly wanted them to, she wanted Peter to feel how she felt the day he started avoiding her. Deep inside of her, Susan really wasn't sure if Peter had ever truly loved her. That's what hurt her the most. Peter glared at Susan, but could only smile was she embraced him in a hug. Years and years of bottled up passion and forgotten kisses all boiled down to one last hug. Susan wrapped her arms tightly around Peter's torso, and rested her head on his shoulder. Peter felt a tear on his neck, and looked down at Susan. She was crying. He had not seen her cry in over 5 years. Seeing her face shrivel up in sadness made his eyes feel moist.

As the two separated, Susan excused herself away from the bunch. She couldn't bear to actually say goodbye to the man she gave her whole heart to. Susan clutched her chest as she ran upstairs, hoping that her heart would finally stop aching. Peter watched Susan's ever step as she walked out of the room. He wanted to run after her and say how sorry he was for wasting 6 years of their lives together, but he knew that would only make it harder. He did love Susan with all of his heart, but he also loved Rose. He loved Rose like a friend, and that was the closest he was ever going to get to loving someone fully.

As Peter left the house, Susan watched from her window. Tears streamed down her face, as she saw the man she loved walk out of her life. She saw him look up at her from outside and she saw him wave. The man she knew so well finally left her life. She did not wave back, and he understood. With all of his heart, he understood. The next months were harder for Susan then ever before. She would sit in her room, crying, and wailing in despair. She half expected to get a letter from Peter that was just for her. But all of his letters were addressed to everyone, not just Susan. Though he did always write one message that only Susan was allowed to see. It read:

Susan, you'll find your love again. If not in this life, than the next…… You'll find him again.

So just like that, each day, Susan rose from the creek bank and sighed. She stared back at her lost life, just lived. She ran her hands through her short hair as she turned her back to the one place that made her remember all of her past, the one place that made her fell completely rested, the only place that made her feel whole.