A/N: Hi! This is my first English fic I post and I'm super nervous about this. My language skills aren't perfect but I hope there's not too many mistakes and the text is understandable. I've read it through like a hundred times and I just have to post this now or I'll get too nervous. Now or never, right? Hahhah
Feel free to correct me. Feedback is appreciated!
Thank you so much for reading! xx Monday 19:45
Isak stared at him feeling helpless. He laid in their bed knowing there was nothing he could do. Trying hard to remind himself that it wasn't because of him. It wasn't his fault Even felt like shit. He thought about all the things he wanted to say but remained quiet. Instead he touched Even's greasy hair in hopes he could get through to him. In hopeless effort to make contact with Even, however, in vain. The other one was silent and still. Isak held his breath while listening to make sure Even was breathing. He was - unsteady and ragged.
"I know you want to be left alone but I just needed to remind you that you're not alone, okay? I'm here and I won't leave. I won't leave even if you tell me to because I know that deep down you want me to be here," he said trying to sound comforting even though he felt anxious.
Even didn't answer. Isak felt as if he didn't even exist. He wondered if there was really room for anything but overwhelming sadness inside the other's mind. He couldn't help but think about how it must feel like one's own private hell to be so lonely even when surrounded by people.
"I love you", he tried again knowing he wouldn't get a response. Still he felt disappointed by the silence following his words. These moments would possibly never get any easier and Isak had to constantly remind himself that Even wasn't doing this on purpose. It was just too easy to forget how much Even was hurting when he had all the time in the world to think about his own feelings.
Isak kissed Evens temple before crawling out of their bed. He looked at his man longingly and saw how Evens open eyes were staring into nothing and the usually smiling face was serious and pale.
"I know this is a selfish thing to say," Isak started taking a deep breath before continuing, "but if you are running out of things to live for - I just - I want you to know that I need you, Even. At this point I don't even care if I'm selfish. I'm trying so hard but I don't think I can ever truly understand what you are going through."
Again, Isak waited for an answer that never came. Suddenly he felt awkward standing there talking by himself and he let out a small unwelcomed giggle.
"I'll fix us some food," he said and walked out the room.
After closing the door, he fully realized how exhausted he was. All his energy had been put into those words nobody heard.
Isak took out his phone browsing through his contacts unsure who to call.
"Halla," a voice answered and Isak was so relieved to hear someone talk. He couldn't get himself to reply.
"Isak? Is everything okay?"
Isak wiped his eyes with his sleeve and cleared his throat.
"Yes," he said and then laughed, "no, definitely not okay. I'm going insane."
Line was silent for a while.
"Is it Even?"
"Yeah."
"Is it bad?"
"So bad. I don't know what to do. I mean his parents are in Spain and I can't get through to Sonja. It's so fucking – I can't get through to him at all. He doesn't eat, or sleep or move. He just stares blankly," Isak said trying to hold his voice steady, "I'm worried sick. I haven't slept either and I'm too afraid to leave him. I don't know what to do. This is fucking ridiculous."
"Doesn't he have like any meds or something?"
"Sure, great Mags. Do you think I'm thick? He won't take them," Isak raised his voice instantly feeling guilty. It wasn't Magnus' fault either.
"Isak, chill. I don't know. Just wait it out maybe? Or if you want to you can call his doctor or hospital so they'll take him in if things get worse. I mean if he gets suicidal or something", Magnus said not minding Isak's tone.
"I don't know, Mags. It's just that it has been three days already. Like zero fucking contact. It gets to me so bad."
"Isak. You do know that you don't have to do this by yourself, right? We are all here for you. Just ask and we'll come running. I know there's not much we can do either but just know you are not alone in this." Isak smiled at his words and nodded even though he knew Magnus couldn't see. It was more of a reassurement for himself. A reminder that everything was really going to be all right.
"Yeah, thanks."
Isak searched through their kitchen for food but couldn't really find anything except mouldy bread and sour milk. Every minute Even was out of his sight was agony. He was constantly reminding himself about the fact that Even had tried to kill himself before.
Isak went back to their bedroom to inform Even that he would have to go out to get something. To his amazement Even was sitting on the edge of the bed staring at him. Not through him but at him.
"How are you feeling?" Isak asked carefully.
"Insignificant," Even answered bluntly.
"But you are not. At least to me or your family or your friends," Isak said dryly sitting beside Even.
"None of that matters. We are all insignificant. I think I've just realized how my suffering is in vain," he said.
"What? Even, I- "
"I can't win in this life. No one can, really. No matter what we do there are some things we can't escape," Even said not letting Isak finish.
His gaze dropped to the floor.
Isak was at a loss for words. He couldn't think of anything to say and felt an awful feeling spread through him. He knew where Even was heading with this but didn't know how to stop it. Even didn't wait for him to answer before speaking up again:
"I have no clue why I was born into this world if all there is, is pain."
"That's not true. It's not always like this and you know that," Isak retorted feeling his own body tensing up.
"Yes, it is," Even said raising his voice, "you have no clue how it is, Isak. You have no right to tell me what is and what isn't."
"Maybe I would if you could just talk to me," Isak said trying not to sound desperate.
"I am talking. I think the problem is that you don't want to hear me," Even answered standing up causing Isak to jump up from the bed like a frightened animal.
"I do. I hear you, Even," Isak assured stationing himself between Even and the door, "you are just not well right now."
"I know you can hear me but do you really listen?" Even asked looking intensely into Isak's eyes. Isak felt so small under his gaze.
"What do you mean?"
"My feelings and my thoughts are the only thing that is real in this world and I don't want to have them anymore. Neither of them. It's going to be okay, I think, I'm not scared anymore," Even said calmly and took a couple of steps towards the door. Isak grasped Evens arms stopping him.
"Not scared of what? You are seriously scaring me now, Even. Snap out of it," Isak said sounding very alarmed.
"I think that birth is actually a lot scarier than death when you think about it."
Isak furrowed his brows pushing back against Even when he tried to walk past him.
"What? Stop, seriously just stop," Isak stated boldly feeling his own heartrate quicken.
"Life is unpredictable and terrifying."
"Unpredictable maybe, but that's the point. No one wants to know the ending before reading the book," Isak said trying so hard not to show Even he was shaking. He was feeling powerless both mentally and physically and so Even pushed past him opening the bedroom door.
"But the ending is inevitable. It is what we live for. Ending is the grand finale we read the book for, isn't it?" Even said smiling a smile that gave Isak shivers. Isak followed him to the living room and then to the kitchen.
"No, it's really not," he said unsure what to do. So many thoughts were running through his head that he couldn't grasp any of them. Isak just unwillingly praised the panic taking over him. His breath was hitched as he watched Even go through the kitchen cupboards.
"Really? Are you sure?" Even asked nonchalantly.
"Yes, Even, I'm pretty fucking sure," Isak answered feeling his panic turn to anger. Even started emptying the drawers onto the floor.
"You know what? Let me help you," Isak spat out starting to pull drawers out and smashing them to the floor furiously cutleries chattering. Even didn't apparently even notice Isak's sudden outburst as he continued his search undisturbed. This grinded Isak's gears a lot more than it should have. He stopped abruptly and grabbed Even's shoulders turning the boy to face him.
"Can't you just fucking stop already? Can't you see that you are freaking me out! Just tell me what I can do. Please just talk to me, Even. I'm here for fuck's sake!" Isak said trying to hold his voice, however, failing miserably. His shout echoed around the kitchen sending shivers through his spine. Had he really just yelled at Even? It was the last thing he thought he would've done in that situation.
"Those who have the strength and the love to sit with a dying patient in the silence that goes beyond words will know that this moment is neither frightening nor painful, but a peaceful cessation of the functioning of the body," Even said almost apathetically.
"Even? Even, no. Shut up. Don't you fucking dare just throw your empty quotes at me. You have your own words, use them", Isak said biting his lip. Even's eyes seemed empty and to Isak it felt as if there were lightyears between them.
"I refuse to reinvent wheel."
"Just tell me what can I do? Just tell me. How can I fix this?"
"What?" Even asked with a bubbly laughter, "you can't fix me. I'm not broken I'm just scared to live." Isak's stomach fell and his heart skipped a beat. His grip on Even's shoulders loosened.
"No," he denied shaking his head, "no, no, no. You don't get to do this. You have no right to bounce into my life and then fall out, no. Don't you fucking dare."
Isak drew out his phone again trying to think quick but he seemed to have forgotten how to read as none of the names in his contact list made any sense. Something inside his brain tried to tell him that things were not so bad. He tried to remind himself how dramatic Even was and how people who really wanted to die would wait for a quiet moment to do it. They wouldn't make such a fuss about it. It was a cry for help, he knew it but couldn't help panicking. He wasn't able to calm himself. Things had never been this bad before.
"Listen, we will just- uh," Isak started still trying to make sense of his contacts, "we'll just take a few deep breaths and then take your meds. Then you will sleep and feel better, okay?"
"Isak, you are not listening to me. I'm not sick. I don't need any medication. I know you are scared but I'm telling you, you shouldn't be. I'm not. It's all okay now. I'm going to be fine. Brilliant really," Even assured looking into Isak's eyes flaccidly.
"It's not fine. You need help and you know it. Just let me help you," Isak said unable to hold his tears any longer. He was so frustrated, scared and angry.
"Right now, I'm so fucking tired of trying to understand you. You can be so full of shit. I don't even care how bad you feel right now because I can promise you it will be better. I will probably regret saying this but if you really want to kill yourself, don't make me chase you. But if you are done with this show, please take your meds and come sleep with me."
Isak waited for Evens response impatiently. He was too scared to breathe and already began to see how his words could have made it so much worse. Against his expectations Even collapsed to the floor holding something in his hands. Isak kneeled in front of him landing his knee painfully on top of forks he had earlier thrown to the floor. Even was crying silently his head hanging heavy and shoulders twitching. Isak took the object Even was holding and again his heart skipped a beat. His train of thoughts stopped entirely as he opened the container to find a ring inside it.
"I don't want to lose you."
Isak furrowed his brows looking at the silver ring.
"I thought you were looking for a knife or something."
"A knife? I know where our knives are," Even said raising his face to meet Isak's somewhat guilty look. "Did you throw away our knives?"
"What? I hid them, dumbass," Isak retorted unable to look away from the ring, "is this what that was about? Because I swear that you don't ever have to kill yourself if it is. I will do it for you."
It was Evens turn to look guilty but amused. It never seized to amaze Isak how quickly Even's mood could go from zero to a hundred and back in a blink of an eye.
"Really? Are you asking me to marry you? After scaring me to death?" Isak asked raising his voice as well as his eyebrows.
"Would you?" Even asked easily.
"What?"
"Marry me?"
"That's it. You have officially gone crazy," Isak said unsure what to say and how to feel. He was honestly more confused than he had ever been in his entire life.
"Crazy for you," Even said grinning and Isak's mouth fell open. Isak slapped Even's cheek before even giving it a thought and pointed his finger at Even's face.
"You have no fucking right to smile after that shit you just pulled. What the hell. You got some nerves. I thought that you were going to kill yourself or something. I was scared out of my mind! I can't live with you but honestly I can't live without you either," Isak preached with a sharp tone his fingertip bumping into Even's forehead two or three times.
"Did you just say you'd die for me?" Even asked in awe.
"What? No!" Isak grunted.
"I think you kind of did", Even said raising his eyebrows victoriously.
"Don't. Just –" Isak said pressing his lips together annoyed, "I can't fucking win with you. I hate you."
"I was going to do something big and carefully planned but I think this is going to be it. This is who I am and I'm not going to change, so just tell me: Isak Valtersen, will you marry me?" Even asked taking the ring from the holder.
Isak contemplated whether Even was serious or not and whether his earlier outburst had really had something to do with the stress of asking such a simple question. Neither of these things seemed impossible. In fact, they were very likely.
"I will," he said finally with a breathless whisper, "I'm going to fuck, marry and kill you."
"In that order, I hope?" Even said hopefully while sliding the ring into Isak's finger.
"Sure, but first you will take your meds and eat. I can't take another heart attack today and you can't fuck me if you faint, " Isak said getting up pulling Even with him.
"You do realize that you just agreed to marry me, right?" Even asked smiling from ear to ear.
"You do realize that you just proposed to me after three days of pretending I don't exist?" Isak retorted raising an eyebrow.
"Yes," Even answered.
Isak was yet again at a loss for words so he just pressed his lips against Even longingly. Finally, he gave himself a permission to feel relieved and breathe easy.
"I'm still pissed off," Isak said holding in a relieved smile.
"I can't help it when I get like that," Even said apologetically running his hand through his dirty hair.
"Yeah? Well neither can I."