Chapter Zero:
Open the Eyes of my Heart, Lord:
That night, I lay beside her, wondering about what I had just felt. There seemed to
be a lump on her breast about the size of a dime. I looked over at my wife, brushing a
strand of hair from her brow. I called the hospital then, using the ear phone peice beside
the bed. Everything seemed still and dead as I went into the little parlor across from the
bedroom, answering the automative voices' questions slowly and carefully. I was going to
find out what was wrong the next morning, even if I needed to drag her to the emergency room.
The next morning, I awoke to the sound of the alarm buzzing in my ear.
I leaned over Relena, kissing her temple. Her eyes fluttered open as though she
had been waiting for a signal from me to wake her. She smiled happily
at me, like she did every morning and kissed me.
"Better get up now, babe. I need to run some errands today, and I want to spend some
more time with you," I regretted the lie, resisting the slight twitch on the corner of my mouth, I often felt during the war.
"Alright, wanna get an early start to a Saturday, huh?" she asked, grinning.
"Yeah." I said in a monotone.
"Alright, I just need to get some things done first. I won't be long though." I nodded,
she had done this every morning since we been married. I never asked what she did
during this time, I assumed it was some excersises she liked to do alone or something like that. Women!
I sat at the table later that morning, sipping at black coffee as I toyed with a small photo
album Relena kept on the little table in the breakfast nook. I had never opened the stupid album, but
for some reason this particular day, I felt curious.
To my surprise, I found myself staring down at clippings of angels and crosses from magazines and web sites. Small
passages rested between the plastic and thin paper layer. One read:
Psalm 52:8
8 But I am like an olive tree
flourishing in the house of God;
I trust in God's unfailing love
forever and ever.
I raised his brow in question at that, but I brushed it off. I just assumed Relena's mother must have given
it to her as a memorial. Relena had told me that her mother was a very religious woman. I felt someone standing over me,
looking over my shoulder, I realized it was my wife.
"... I see you finally opened it, got curious, did you?" she smiled in a warmly, taking the book into her hands.
"So, who gave it to you?" I asked, doing my best to seem uninterested in the little book.
"I made it myself, actually. I like to read it in my spare time, just looking over the verses and pictures, I never seem
to get tired of what new things I learn," she replied. I looked up into Relena's pretty blue eyes, I had never seen her eyes so
bright... so warm.
"So, what does it mean to you? It's just a silly little scrap book, Relena," I said, instanly feeling a pang in my chest as I said that.
"... It's not something I can easily explain, Heero, but I will try, if you want me to," she said. I nodded at that, intent
on listening to her story about that little book.
"... Well, as you know my mother is very religious. She would often take me to this little santuary so we could pray together,
under the supervision of a trusted deacon and the priest. And the priest would answer any questions we had and he would preach to us for strength in
God. And as I grew up, we continued to go, dispite the fact that my father strongly disapproved of it. I began to hunger for the things of God more and
more, before I finally started making that scrap book. It's been a great help to me since I was about 16," she explained. She wrung her hands nervously,
her cheeks reddened a little. For some reason, this irritated me a little, I wasn't sure why. I had always wondered why she always seemed so calm... so at
peace. Maybe this was it. Why was I so ticked off with this one secret scrap of information in my wife's life? Why?
"... After everything science has proven, how can you possibly believe such silly stories from an ancient book like that? Think for yourself,
Relena. God does not exist, no one has seen Him and no one ever will!" I exclaimed sharply, glaring at her.
"Oh Heero. I don't care what science has proven, it's about faith. Not a bunch of theories mankind has dug up. What seems more comforting to
you? The fact that a great being that loves you, despite the fact that you have just said He does not exist, loves you enough to send His Son into the world
more than 10,000 years ago to die for you? Perhaps you would like to believe that you just float around in some spirit realm for all of eternity, just
remembering life... what's more comforting to you?"
"I don't know, Relena! Get off my case about it, get ready to go now!" I growled menacingly, clutching my fist as I held my hand at my side, so
as not to strike her. I was surprised at my own fury... I hadn't felt so angry since the war. What's wrong with me?
Later that morning, we sat in the waiting room. Relena looked up from her magazine as her name was called. She got up and I followed her, still a
little upset with this morning's incident. After the exam, and a routine mammogram, the doctor said she would contact Relena in a couple of days. She
had said it was more than likely a benine tumor and that it should be easy to remove.
We left a short time later, Relena held my hand nervously as she bowed her head for a moment. It was a short ride home, Relena never
said a word as she climbed out of the car. As we entered the house, Relena and I were greeted by our servant, Edward. He took her purse and hung it up
on the rack and she nodded in thanks. I whistled down the narrow hall way, smiling as I heard the scampering paws of the puppy. He yipped, begging to
be picked up, I obliged and rolled him onto his back in my arms, rubbing his round little belly with my knuckles gently.
"... I think Abel wants food," I said, looking down at the little golden retriever in my arms. I had always loved golden retrievers... but it seemed
to bring back memories of the wars... my training. And that little girl and her puppy that had died at my hands... I looked down at Abel, remembering
that night. I shook my head of the memories as he whimpered and gnawed on my hand.
"We really should get him a teething ring, Heero," said Relena. I nodded at that, tapping the dog on the nose.
Later that evening, Relena sat with her face hidden in her hands. The phone lay on the floor beside her, the hollow operater's
tone rang through the little sun room. I rushed over to her, taking her hands into mine carefully.
"The results came back... Heero, I've got 3 months left," her words didn't quite reach me at first.
"... What?" I asked, feeling like the words had just flown over my head.
"I have 3 months left to live, Heero... They said it's terminal breast cancer. If they try to remove it, more will grow, and twice as fast. There would
have been nothing they could do from the beginning," she said, tears slid down her cheeks. I felt my eyes fill with tears as I cupped her cheek, my hand
shook as I rested it against her face. Her eyes flickered for a moment, a blue aurora... and for a moment, I wondered what she would look like at the
end. If she would still smile at me, would her eyes light still if I held her. For a moment, I thought of just ending all of it now... but I wanted her around
for as long as possible. I wasn't ready to let go just yet.
At that thought, the tears flooded down my face and I collapsed. My head rested in her lap as I broke down. We stayed like that for a while, crying
and comforting each other. By the time we had cried ourselves to exhaustion, my hair was soaked with her tears and her lap with mine. I smiled shakily
as I helped her up from the chair. She smiled back at me, and as weak as that small expression was... I knew for some reason, there was hope in some
thing.
"I already called Quetre... he said that he wanted to be certain that it was terminal. You and I will be accompanying him to a hospital on L1," I
said, "We leave tomorrow."
"... So much rush, the doctors said they were certain... why go through all this trouble then, Heero," she asked. I held her hand as we went into the
dining room.
"Maybe it's something he needs to do for himself... maybe he needs to be sure. Who knows, maybe it's not as bad as the doctors here made it
seem. There might still be something they can do, Relena," I said, this gave me some hope. Maybe we could really beat the odds.
The next morning we woke up early. I opened my eyes as I laid in bed, I felt my eyes widen as a child's face hovered close to mine. It disapeared
slowly, and I looked over at Relena, shaking my head clear. I wondered if, by some chance, I had become dehydrated. I knew I had neglected my body a
little since the war ended, but I had managed to stay fit nontheless. I frowned as I shook my wife awake. She smiled up at me as I drew her close in a
hug.
"... I want you to know that I love you... I don't say it as much as I should, but I want you to know that whatever happens I love you. I'll never love
anyone else, Relena," I said.
"Heero... don't say that, I want you to be happy, please... just promise me that you'll carry on," she said. Her eyes flickered for a moment and a
tear slipped down her cheek. I nodded at that, I hated to see her cry so much. I was speaking the truth though, I never would feel the same way about
another woman. I could never, I swore it.
"Well, what do you want for breakfast, Heero?" asked Relena, she was trying to be cheery, I knew. She had always been like that, always looked
on the bright side, it was one thing that I couldn't stand when I met her... but now I really loved her for it.
"... Whatever we have that's not crawling out of the refrigerator just yet," I said numbly. Relena laughed at that.
"Eggs and bacon, then," she said.
After breakfast, we drove to the port and met Quatre at the hospical waiting room. He smiled kindly, hugging Relena gently. We waited at a little
cafe'.
"Relena... have you drawn out a will yet? Or do you still want to wait and see what happens?" asked Quatre, I gripped my wife's hand.
"We're just hoping that there is something we can do... to prolong the inevitable," she replied. I looked over at my friend, noticing the tears
spilling down his face. Relena reached over, holding his hand as she looked into his eyes, "I'll be just fine, Quatre, regardless. I've got something better
to look forward to than this silly life." I felt the corner of my mouth twitch at that comment, but I smiled as best as I could to rienforce her confidence.
"There has to be more we can do about this though, I've heard of all sorts of campiengs and things for breast cancer awareness around the year
2,000... maybe we can start something up again. You must have recieved a lot of letters since you were diagnosed, Relena," said Quatre.
She shook her head at that, "I wanted to let everyone know after this appointment, no one knows about it just yet. I want to know how much time
I've got left. I don't just want to come out and say that I'm sick like this," she replied. I frowned, thinking she cared too much, she had always been like
that. It was almost like she thought everyone else was better than her, like they deserved more.
After we left the doctors office, with pretty much the same diagnosis, we went to the nearest diner. Quatre's treat. No one really touched their food
though, I guess it was just something to do, just so we would have something to remember... when it was all over. That night, I had a dream.
I stood over her, wishing I had just one more tear to shed for her. I fell to my knees on the hardwood floor, holding the gun. I wished that she could
smile at me now. But I knew she couldn't. I looked down at her body, her blood pooled underneath her and her eyes shown hollow. And I knew it was all
over for her... her pain, her torment. But now my pain began.
I bolted up in bed, sweat poured down my face. I got up, opening the little drawer in the nightstand. I removed the gun, my thoughts raced, my
heart pounded in my chest. I stared at the metal abomination, I knew what I needed to do. But could I do such a thing? Could I let her live, just one more
night? I closed my eyes, feeling the trigger under my finger. My mind was made up.