How Draco Malfoy Saved the Day
Warnings Ahead: Total crack! Excessive use of Draco Malfoy, slight mockage of the book series, and, of course, slash because I wouldn't be a slash fangirl without it .
Disclaimer: The Harry Potter Series as well as its characters are not mine.
A/N: I have no idea where this came from.
The shower hissed off as a thick red substance swirled down the drain; the blond who had been scrubbing raw at his skin for a time only had a mild look of disgruntlement painted across his face as he carefully toweled the skin. He was grumbling curses and agitations under his breath as he glared at the stained porcelain that was his tub and his usually pale skin.
Still the ruined tub and raw skin could not keep the gloating smirk off his face as he exited the bathroom and found his small lover curled up and pouting into his knees as one often finds children doing when they have been forced to eat a particularly bad supper.
Of course, at this moment he had a decision to make. He could either act in a very adult-like manner and silently gloat or he could waltz over to the couch, flop down beside him- keeping a tight hold on his towel of course- and brag. The answer was obvious.
"Really Potter, pouting?" The other boy's only acknowledgement of his awesome presence was a turn of the head in the blond's direction though he did not relinquish his hold on his knees nor did he drop the rather endearing pout that often led to rather rousing sexual adventures but alas that is a story for another time. "Just because you're never given an almost death that includes any blood doesn't mean you should be upset." When his answer continued unanswered, agitation began to brew but he was careful not to let it show, instead he plastered on an even wider smirk.
"I mean it's not my fault that every death scene your involved in is utterly boring and, truthfully, rather vanilla." Even as he talked he was gleeful to see that his lover's face darkened and his pout became more pronounced. "Just because JK saw it fit to give me a rather…" He paused for emphasis on both the name drop as well as the next point he was about to make. "…awe-inspiring maiming scene in which I am the most important character of it even though it includes you does not mean you should sit in your make-up and wardrobe just wishing it was you who got to wear the faux blood and dramatically swoon." Draco paused in his speech to check how it was affecting him. He was proud to see that the pretty boy was so jealous that he had buried his head in the rather too big robes that he had gotten from the wardrobe department for their latest scene in the book. "By the way that whole basilisk thing doesn't cut it. He bit your leg! I mean, he didn't even get the heart. How dull."
"The point is," He was tiring of the barely there responses Harry deigned to give him, "You shouldn't mope here with Gryffindor robes on. It's just not correct behavior when you belong to the noble house of Slytherin. You should get over the fact that all your death scenes are goreless and boring and move onto bigger and better things." This last statement was said with a rather lewd twist of the eyebrows as only Draco Malfoy can do.
Finally the boy pulled himself out of his costume and shot Draco such a pout that it gave all his other pouts a run for their galleons. "It's not that," He leaned into the blond, finding a rather nice hiding spot in the crook of his arm before he continued, his words muffled, "I have a scene in five minutes where I have to make-out with Ginny Weasley! This is going to be worse than the whole Cho Chang debacle. It's going to be full blown romantic, sexy, five minute kiss!" The boy was in full on rant mode and Draco found himself slowly catching up even as he left his original high of happy gloating. "I mean, at least you didn't have to kiss Pansy or Astoria!"
"Of course not," The blond murmured almost automatically, his brain not quite with Harry's words, "Blaise and Weasley would neuter me."
Harry continued his rant, unheeded, "Salazar, you don't even have to touch them! It's just assumed that you're with them. Couldn't she have made me kiss someone like Oliver or Cedric or Flint or Sirius or mmm Lucius or…" The dreamy mist that had fallen over his eyes as he imagined just how the men would kiss him dissipated immediately in the face of the rather angry glare the blond was giving him, "You! The best, most handsome boyfriend a boy could have." The ravenet gave him an angel's smile and Draco was only slightly appeased.
The moment of quiet did however give him a chance to catch up with the other's words. "Weaslette! You have to make-out with the weaslette! This is just not on!"
Jumping from his place on the couch he began his only slightly legendary stalk from the room only pausing at the door to turn the sweet smile upon his boyfriend's face back into a pout, "And we will discuss that rather disgusting fantasy about my father later!"
Then the door was slammed and the lock clicked in place.
Harry never made it to the scene.
Thus Harry and Ginny never hooked up.
Thus Draco Malfoy saved the Harry Potter series…
And Harry Potter never forgot it because it's very difficult to do so when your boyfriend wakes you up in the morning with a 'remember when I saved you from the dreadful kiss?' or when he gives you a kiss goodnight and says 'aren't you glad you didn't have to do that to the weaslette?! Aren't you glad your husband saved the day?", etc, etc for the rest of his life.