Broken Wings

I watched him through gentle and sympathetic eyes as he ate his dinner. His dark hair falling over his pale blue eyes and casting a humble look on his face. He glanced up and smiled occasionally as I ate my meal, the pasta sliding off of my fork every so often, my mind was else-where. It was too quiet for my liking and even if he didn't pick up on it there was definitely something not right about the situation. I peered at my hands, which were shaking, and I took a small unsteady breath. My engagement ring was shining in the pale candle light of the two that sat upon the small holders at the center of the table and I frowned. It made me want to cry.

I swallowed hard and my fiancé looked up to me, his warm smile pulling me into his gentle personality as I trembled some. I didn't want to go through with this...I didn't want to. He cleared his throat and spoke startling me. His kind voice breaking the silence.

"What's the matter?" he asked very concerned. He paused and put his fork down onto the plate as he scooted the chair closer to my own. My stomach was in hell; it felt as though I were going to be sick. I watched his large hands rest over my own and he brought the back of it to his lips in a reassuring kiss. I almost broke down right then and there but I swallowed hard again and fought back the growing resentment of my self. He would never be able to predict what was coming. I merely held my breath for a moment before I removed my hand from his and forced a smile. He looked to me curiously and nodded as he slipped back some and studied my expression.

"You're just acting odd tonight is all." He spoke as I nodded quickly in agreement.

"I don't know...I guess I'm just having an off day...I haven't felt well all week." I replied instantly, my lie covering what was really going on in my head.

We finished dinner in silence and I hurried and brought our plates into the kitchen. Glancing to the clock I felt the familiar discomfort in my body and I worked carefully so I wouldn't drop any of the plates and glasses. When everything was taken care of I rejoined my fiancé on the couch in the living room. His body leaning comfortably on the large pillows that were present I gave yet another sideways glance to he clock. It was nearing that time...almost midnight. It would be another ten minutes or so until he was given the surprise of his life.

I sat down next to him and tried not to get all cuddly and close. It would make things difficult in the long run. I felt his hands brush through my long hair and I grew tense and nervous at his touch. I had never been tense when he touched me before, this was a sure give away. I was lucky when he said nothing. I cleared my throat and settled some as I eased back into the sofa, staring at the clock on the wall and waiting. My heartbeat seemed to slow to a nothing as I felt a tight pain in my chest and waited. The television program distracting me only momentarily every now and then. My pale blue eyes focused and unfocused. My breathing was hurried but I kept it quiet.

The last ten minutes were the longest of my entire life.

As he hand struck twelve the clock began to chime and I nearly jumped. I stood slowly and walked into my bedroom and paused beside my bureau. My fingers worked slowly over the gold plated knobs and I drew the drawer open and fished through in silence. This is the moment I would regret for the rest of my living days. This is the moment that would forever scar me and haunt me to my grave. I suppose it was better that I did it than some stranger though. I took a deep breath and drew a large hand -gun from its hiding place. The rough finish of the desert eagle, cold in my hands and heavy. I unlocked the safety and bit my lower lip as tears quickly ran down my face. I didn't want to do this...though I didn't want any one else to do it either. This was my love...he was mine and no one else would ever hurt him.

I moved silently into the living room and coughed as I choked on the lump in my throat. My cries must have been heard because Jonathan turned and looked to me almost immediately. His eyes were wearing a worried expression as he jumped to his feet to come and comfort me but when he noticed my gun in hand he paused hesitantly. I shook violently and almost believed that I wouldn't be able to go through with this but I had to. I didn't want my boss coming after him...it would be worse that way. He never ever found out what my real profession was...he never found that I was an assassin for hire and he never would. He would only assume that in the last moments of his life, that I hated him and would completely lose my mind enough to end his living.

"What's going on?" he asked me carefully as I shook my head and tried to muster an answer. Nothing would come as I sobbed out loud and fixed my eyes on his. He was scared and so was I. My muscles burned in my arm, almost an inner warning.

"What's going on?!" he demanded as I shook when he raised his voice. I merely raised the barrel of the gun and aimed carefully at his head. He drew back silently and I held the position for a moment.

"Jon...I don't...I don't want to do this to you...I love you...I love you so much but I don't want anyone else to hurt you..." I choked, as his eyes grew wide. It was the truth; when I had started dating him I had made a solemn and silent promise that no one would ever bring him pain...except me. No one would be close enough and now that time had come and my boss had handed me the job that would end my days of being happy.

I closed my eyes and squeezed the trigger as several loud shots rang out through my apartment and when I opened them I saw his body at my feet.

When I had been out on missions I had had many people fall at my hands but this was different...this was someone I loved. In that moment I was hit hard by feelings of guilt. This was how everyone else felt when I ruined their lives and took a loved one away. I sank to my knees and pulled his head into my lap, my clothes instantly becoming stained with the dark crimson blood that poured from his shattered skull. The metallic smell almost made me sick as I let a terrified scream escape my mouth. I knelt forward and kissed his forehead, trembling and nauseous as I shook him instinctively. I wanted him to open his eyes, to come back to life but he never did.

I stayed with him like this until sun up.

His blood had dried onto my arms and clothes and his body had grown rigid and unmoving, death having fully set in. I pulled myself out from underneath him and crawled into the bath- room where I threw up on the floor and cried in pain. My hands were shaking terribly and before I knew it everything was spinning. I watched as the walls grew taller and taller and my vision blurred as I blacked out on the floor. Bloody handprints on the walls and my body unmoving on the floor as sunlight filtered into the bath- room. It was a new day.

When I woke up I laid still and patient on the cold tile as I glanced to the ceiling. What I had done had finally settled and something inside of me had died completely as I felt numb and empty. I laid still for maybe two more hours before I finally forced myself to stand up and wash my face and hands. I worked like a machine...quietly and quickly as I hurried back into the living room to retrieve my gun and my coat as I left the apartment. Jonathan's body was still in place where I had left it and seeing it this time I felt less. It hurt yet I continued on my way and out into the morning air. I wouldn't ever come back to this place. I never did. I know that my boss had hired his crew to take care of the body so whether he had been properly buried or just sunk to the bottom of the frigid sea was still a mystery to me. For all I know he could have been fed to a pack of hungry wolves deep in the forests...but this ending was a little more farfetched. To be honest, I didn't want to know what had happened to him.

Walking in silence down the streets, my gun hidden from view I removed the platinum engagement ring and held it in the palm of my hand. I paused on the sidewalk and kissed the cold metal gently as I extended my arm and dropped it down the sewer drain nearest to me. I heard the metal clinking all the way down until it met water and I felt warm tears stain my face as I forced myself to walk onward.

I was a killer...I was an assassin and nothing more. I didn't deserve to love or be loved and what I had done had merely proven this point to me. I would never be put into that situation ever again. I vowed this on my life.