I have lost count of the number of times you have walked out that door when we both knew I was not the one you should be leaving behind. How many times have you showed up at my apartment because he just didn't care? How many times did I let you in on a promise things were going to be different? How many times was I let down after he was miserable enough for you to go running back?

I just cannot do it anymore. Not after all this, not after what you said to me.

I could have gone on being miserable as you made yet another attempt to salvage your marriage. I could have accepted that this was strictly a strange friendship to you. That the nights we spent in my bed, barely able to keep from falling on the floor, were simply a reaction that would have happened if you put any two people into a situation like ours. Even your provocative flirting in the dark corridors of the hospital when no one is around had simply become part of the game we played.

Sometimes I would win, sometimes I would lose, but we always kept playing. That was the deal. It would have to stop one day, I just hoped that when it did it would mean I had finally won. That you would say those words with a car full of boxes we could unpack together. That they would mean there were signed divorce papers on their way to some lawyer. To have them spoken in some desperation when I just could not take the daily phone calls between you two anymore couldn't change anything.

It was not fair to do this to me. To offer such tempting words with your bags packed and set by the door. I could never doubt how true they were; no matter how much easier it would be if I could convince myself. To believe you never loved me would be giving up on the hope that someday you might truly love me.

You are waiting for that kiss, the one I give each time you walk out on me, the one that reminds you of what staying here would mean. This time I can't bring myself to hope anything I did could make a difference. You are walking out on me and I have already lost.

I thought one day you would walk into my arms and I would truly get to hold you. If that were true, you wouldn't be doing this to me. You wouldn't push me away when I whispered in your ear, begging you to stay. You offer compensation that I have done more for you than I could ever know.

That is just one of the lies that move between us. I know exactly what I have done for you and its why when you leave I can't hardly move. I give everything I am to make you whole and once your filled it is back to your husband who will only leave you broke and lifeless until you can't live with the feeling anymore.

But I am tired. I am tired of the days spent bringing the light back to your eyes. I am tired of being a whisper in the dark why you speak to him in full view of the sun. I am tired of losing. I am tired of being tired.

I begged you stay and you said you loved me, but you never said you would stay. Now I am begging you to leave your key and have you say nothing else. If the last words you speak to me were of love than at least I can sleep tonight believing they were true. Those words will fuel dreams where the words never passed your lips as you shut the door and you put your heart next to mine. In my dreams, I have won because you could ever say you loved me and would never make me beg over a stupid game.