Effy's POV
"Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long"
I don't know what to do anymore. What did I do wrong? My father left completly. My mother barely knows I'm alive. My brother went off to college. I completly messed up my friendships. And some how I still had Freddie. If you haven't guessed, my name is Effy ( Elizabeth) Stonem. I have the best amazing big brother every Tony (Anthony) Stonem. My whole life I wished for nothing more but to be like him. I felt like I was strong when he was back at home. No matter how bad life got I always believed Tony would be there for me, like I was there for him. But look at it now. He's off at college and my depression is just getting worst. I keep getting these thoughts of death. I'm scared what's going on in my mind. I don't know how to control these thoughts. Every night I curl up into a ball under my bed and cry myself to sleep. I'm scared what people will say about me. Freddie is the only one I allow to help me, but even he can't save me from the monster that lays behind my skin.
" Effy! I'm back where are you?" Freddie called from downstairs.
I quickly hid my diary and sat on my bed. He knew where I was. He always knew. He came up into my room and climbed onto my bed looked into my now lifeless eyes. I even noticed the difference. He looked over at me his face filled with sadness. He pulled me into a hug letting me rest my head on his shoulder like every day. For the past two months he's schedual has never changed. He'd go to comunity college, home for a bit, and then here to visit me. Same exact time each day.
" How was today?" He asked me hoping that I was getting better.
I didn't answer. I never answered. I don't talk most of the time. Where do words get you in the end? Break-up's? Friendships over with? Family seperating from words. Yaah, I rather not talk. Maybe the silence will save me from losing anyone else I loves.
" Effy, please talk. It's me Freddie, I promise I'm gonna take care of you no matter what." Freddie said gently caressing my face with the back of his hand.
I took a deep breath in before speaking, " It was fine... How was yours?"
" The usual. Have you tried getting ahold of Tony yet?" Freddie asked me like every day.
" No matter what, Tony's not gonna come back." I paused before continueing, "He's happy I bet. He's about to move in with his girlfriend, and get married, and start a family. I don't want to ruin it for him." I murmured into Freddie's shoulder.
" Effy, your his little sister. I bet he'd come to visit you at least." Freddie said grabbing my cell phone and going to Tony's contact. " Call him Effy. If you won't I will."
My shaking hand grabs the phone and calls Tony. It rings for what feels forever. I grab onto Freddie's hand, worried Tony wouldn't pick up. What if he didn't want-
" Hello? Effy?"
I take a deep breath in, " T-Tony."
" Effy! Is something wrong? Effy are you okay?"
" Tony, w-would you be able to come v-visit me, p-please Tony." I cried worried and scared he'd say no.
" Effy is something going on? Are you okay? Look I'll see if Michelle will mind if I visit you, okay?"
" Tony, I need you. I miss you so fucking much. Please, please come see me. I don't know how much longer I'll be staying." I said letting go of Freddie, knowing he was throwing daggers at me with his eyes.
" Effy! What the fuck is that suppose to mean? Effy, you better not be doing anything stupid. That's it, I'll be over there in the morning. See ya soon Effy. I love you!"
" I love you to Tony. Bye." I said hanging up.
" Effy, nothing bad is gonna happen to you. I'm gonna take care of you. Just please drop all this dark stuff. Everything will be fine, just look at the bright side. I love you, your brother loves you, your friends and family love you. We care about you so fucking much, just please stop for us. Effy, I'd never be able to live with myself if anything ever happened to you!" Freddie said grabbing onto me and hugging me.
" Freddie, you should just go. I'm gonna head to bed. I'm too tired to stay up anymore." I said as I pulled my blankets over me.
" Effy-"
" I know, you we're gonna stay the night. Do whatever you want, I'm tired." I said setting my head on my pillow and staring at Freddie.
" Go to bed. I'll be up in a little bit Ef. I love you Effy."
" Love you to Freddie." I said slowly drifting off to sleep.
I feel Freddie kiss me on the forehead and then head downstairs. I feel as if I've ruined his life. I feel as if I'm ruining Tony's life. I deserve neither of them. Their both so much better than me. And I wish what they gave me I could return. But I just can't. There's nothing special about me to give them. I'm just a blackhole sucking up everyone in my way. I hate myself. I hate that I can't make the people I love smile. I hate how they think they need to take care of me. I'd be fine taking care of myself. It's not like I can't. I have for over eighteen years!
As I fall asleep my mind goes to a different world. Where am I? Well it must be memory lane. Pictures of Tony and I fill my mind. Some pictures of Tony and after he saved me from Josh. Some pictures of me reading to Tony after the accident. And then pictures of Cook and I filled my mind. Wow wasn't that a mistake going to his dad's? And then Freddie appeared in my mind. And all of our pictured came. How he cared for me, how he loves me, how he'd do anything for me. How could I repay any of them, without hurting them? Was there a way to repay them at all?
Then all of a sudden in my dreams they all came at me screaming. I was sitting down on the floor. Looking up into all of their eyes. All of them we're there. The most important to just the really good ex-friends to the people I just didn't care about anymore. Freddie first, next to him was Tony, then Cook, then JJ, Pandora, Naomie, Emily, Thomas, Katie, mom, dad, and even for some reasson Patto. I don't know what they we're saying since they we're all screaming at the same time.
" Everything about you is horrible!"
" GO DIE BITCH!"
" No one like you. You just ruin lives."
" You think I really cared about you? I HAD TO ACT LIKE I DID SINCE YOUR FAMILY!"
" Please just go fucking kill yourself."
" Who could ever love you?"
" No one ever liked you, we're just good actors."
" I've always hated you!"
" Go to hell bitch!"
" Elizabeth, what a stupid name!"
" Your the worst kid ever!"
" Druggie!"
I look up at all of them, my eyes over filling with tears. Did they really mean all the things? Maybe leaving would be the best thing to do. I just didn't want to hurt anyone I loved. But if they really did feel this way, in my dreams and in the real world then maybe I should give them the best gift I can give. Death.
I jump in my bed, covered in sweat. I look next to me to see Freddie sleeping. I quietly crawl out of bed and walk into the bathroom. I feel ugly. I feel unwanted. I feel needy. I feel as if I could die any second. I look around the bathroom, seeing nothing in plain sight to help me. I start heading down into the kitchen but hear noices. Was someone in the house?
" Hello? Who's there?" I cried out. I don't get an answer so I continue down the stairs. Maybe I was imaging things again. I usual am. I continue down into the kitchen, and walk over to the knifes. I grab the sharpest one I could find and go back upstairs into the bathroom. I was about to sit down and cut myself when I heard Freddie waking up. I rush towars the bathroom door to shut it and lock it, but see someone standing in the hall. I quickly shut try shutting the door but their to fast. I them see who it is. My brother: Tony. Was it morning?
I try hiding the knife behind me, but he knows better than that. He quickly takes the knife out of my hand and goes back downstaris putting the knife away, and hiding them from me. He comes back up stairs and grabs ahold of my shoulders. He made me look into he's shocking blue eyes. I felt guilty. Why did I have to have such an amazing brother? He deseved a much better sister. I wish he would have gotten one, instead of me.
" Effy, what the hell is going on?" Tony asked.
" Everyone hates me. I'm done!" I cried trying to break through he's embrace.
" Effy your a Stonem, we don't give up without a fight!" Tony yelled at me, trying to make me understand.
" You don't get it Tony. I have fought! I'm to tired to fight anymore. I'm not strong enough. I just need to stop everything, and just go!" I cried.
" Effy please! Fight! I'll be right there with you, the whole way. I'm never gonna let you go! You can live with Michelle and I! That or we could move here. Please Effy, I just can't lose you! Please. Please." Tony pleaded.
" Tony I've tried, I've fought. It's to hard. Tony, I'm sorry." I cried giving up hope.
" Effy, please stop." I heard Freddie say, " Effy, I'm gonna take care of you. Nothing bad is gonna happen to you. I promise. Please Ef, I love you."
" Who are you?" Tony asked Freddie.
" I'm Freddie. Effy's boyfriend." Freddie replied.
" Oh, well nice to meet you...? I'm Tony, Effy's older brother." Tony replied back.
" Can I use the bathroom now?" I asked.
" K, come on" Freddie said grabbing my arm.
" I can go myself. Why don't you guys catch up?" I said removing his hand from my arm.
" No Ef, we made that mistake once." Freddie said reminding me.
" It was on accident! I didn't mean it!" I cried.
" Come on Ef, you need to shower anyways. And don't worry Tony, I'm gonna help her take a bath. I won't be in the bath with her, so no need to kick my ass." Freddie said as he lead me to the tub.
" Alright well I'm gonna quickly go unpack. See you guys soon." Tony said leaving us.
Freddie starts undressing me, and picks me up. He gently places me into the tub. I bring my knees up to my chest and hold them in place. Freddie sighs and turns the water on. He grabs the shampo and scrubs it into my hair. He rinses it out, twisting his fingers into my hair. I look down at the water. Pretending it's blood. Would that make them happy if it was my blood? Why was I acting like I wanted this? I don't know how to control these thoughts. Their attacking my mind and trying to make me hurt myself. I don't understand it!
" Effy, what are you thinking about?" Freddie asks.
" Nothing really, just things." I said as he knocked me out of my thoughts.
" Are you okay?" Freddie asked me.
" I'm fine, really don't worry about it. I love you Freddie." I said looking up to him.
" I love you to Effy. I love you so fucking much." Freddie said and kissed me on the forehead.
I become silenced again. I think this is the most I've ever talked. I don't understand though how I'm opening up to Freddie. I mean I should but shouldn't at the same time. Opening up could mean getting to close. I couldn't let that happen. I needed to put up my walls again. I needed to protect myself. It was time to put on the amour and fight. I couldn't get hurt by him. By love. By myself.
Freddie picks me up and wraps me up in a towel. Slowly he dries my hair with another towel. He leaves me for a minute going to grab something for me to wear. He comes back with ripped black skinnies, and a white tanktop. I fake smile at him as he helps me get dressed. Could he not trust me? I'd be fine but no, he won't leave me alone.
Freddie wraps his arm around my waist and together we go downstairs. My brother is in the kitchen eatting cereal and reading the paper. I sit next to him as Freddie also gets something to eat. I look down at the table, making no eye contact with them. They started talking, but I really could care less about what they we're talking about. Thoughts began attacking me again and I sighed deeply, not meaning to get attention, but did.
" Something wrong Ef?" Tony asked.
" ...What no." I said looking down again.
" Oh, um okay then..." Tony said and the silence over took us.
I got up from my seat and walked uptairs. I saw that Tony and Freddie has questioning looks but I ignored. As I walked into my room, I heard them climbing up the stairs. They didn't trust me to go in my own room? What do they thinks gonna happen? I'm gonna hang myself with the belts I don't own.
" Ef, what you doin'?" Tony asked.
" Relaxing in my room Tone." I replied, shutting the door, locking it, and climbing under my bed.
The door handle is being pulled on, the door being pushed against. Both Freddie and Tony must be using their body strenghth cause the door just breaks open. Freddie starts looking all over the room. But Tony knows where I am. He gets down on all fours and climbs under the bed with me.
" Hiding from monsters Ef?"
" Maybe, and if I was." I asked with bitterness.
" I'll protect you from all of them. And I bet Freddie will to," Tony replied.
" What about protecting me from the biggest and scariest monster it self?" I asked knowing they'd ask questions.
" And who's that?" Tony asked.
" Nevermind, I didn't speak alrighty?"
" No Ef, tell me."
" I'm tired, and cold." I say.
" Come on then," Tony says helping me from under the bed.
I get lifted up by Tony, and just hang onto his neck. He's my brother. No he's more than my brother. He's one of my two saviors. He saved me from dying once, maybe he'll help save me from myself. From my mind. From getting hurt. I loved him and Freddie so much, but I didn't want to hurt either of them. Tony sets me down on my bed and throws my blankets on me. I smile up at him, and drift off into one peaceful, dreamless sleep. Maybe life would turn out ok:)
K, two more chapters... One for Freddie and one for Tony:)) Hope ya like it:))