▫ộ» I solemnly swear I am up to no good «ộ▫

Disclaimer: I is not JKR.

Pairings: HPGW (shoot me) as a premise, and ADGG in reminiscence, but no actual pairing. Wait, what?! ME?! Write a story without a pairing? The world is ending… the apocalypse is here… run away…

Warnings: Language, severe OOCness for Severus (come now, he's a portrait, he's allowed to be), blatant sexual innuendo, slash friendliness

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One Year Later

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"Take that, Albus!" the usually deadpan voice of Severus Snape all but crowed, a triumphant smirk on his lips.

Harry stared at the two former headmasters, Dumbledore sulking in his frame as Snape lorded him with something resembling glee. It was the one year anniversary of his defeat of Voldemort, and he had come to the Headmistress' office to see his mentor and perhaps get some advice… and all he'd managed to get out was that he and Ginny were engaged to be wed before the argument had begun.

"My dear boy…" Albus began, though Harry wasn't sure whether he was addressing himself or Severus.

"No! You aren't getting out of this one! Twenty years and you managed to get one over on me time and time again… and finally, finally I get to be the accurate one! Let me have my moment, Albus."

Albus twinkled, something Harry was exasperated to realize he could do even more pronouncedly in his painted form, "I'd say the bet is not yet lost, Severus."

"Poppycock! He's marrying the Weasley chit…"

"Harry, dear boy," Albus said, making Harry's eyes shift back to the older man, "Are you sure young Miss Ginerva is the right one for you?"

Harry blinked rapidly, "What? Of course she is!"

Severus began chuckling darkly again, but Albus ignored him and moved on, genial smile still in place, "But how do you know, Harry? What do you know about her?"

Harry blinked, "Uhh, well, she's real good at Quidditch… and… she's pretty… and nice…"

Severus groaned, "You've got to be kidding me."

Albus' smile was impossibly wide, "Tell me Harry," he said with a conspiratorial grin, leaning forward, "Did your and Mr. Malfoy's rivalry ever lead to more?"

"Excuse me, Professor?" Harry was confused… and it showed in the crease of his brow and the wrinkle of his nose.

"If I didn't know Severus so well I'd question the truth of your own enmity as well… who else?" Albus tapped his chin, "If Tom had looked halfway as striking a he had in his younger years that would be an interesting thought as well… so I think young Draco is the only possibility. There was nothing… more to your contention?"

Harry's features were blank, "I really don't understand, sir."

Severus growled low in his throat, "He wants to know if you've ever sucked cock, Potter. Salazar, what are you, twelve?"

Harry's face went from mortified to a painful looking puce in moments and he was sputtering in his seat, "Wh-What?! What are you talking about?! I'm marrying Ginny!" the young Defeater of Voldemort paused, staring incredulously up at his mentor, "And why would you assume it to be all the people I hate?!"

Albus sighed, lacing his fingers together contentedly, "Hate is just distorted passion, my boy. Why, Gellert and I…"

"Oh Merlin, not again," Snape groaned, turning in his frame and staring beseechingly at Harry, "Potter, get me out of here and I'll bloody well suck you off. Save me! Please!"

Harry stood and decided he was having a very bad dream, walking slowly backwards towards the door, "I'll… come back another time, Professors… have a… nice… day?"

And Harry was gone, the door clacking loudly into its frame and rebounding back towards the wall.

Severus let his head fall against his frame repeatedly, trying to drown out the Dumbledore's lilting monologue on his torrid relationship with Gellert Grindelwald.

He wished for at least the hundredth time that year that Minerva could raise the charm that kept him bound to the Headmaster's office; until the students who had suffered under his reign were graduated, he was stuck in the blasted office.

With Albus Dumbledore.

With Albus Dumbledore reciting his life's story.

With Albus Dumbledore reciting his life's story centered around the former Dark Lord Grindelwald… and not the part where he defeated him, either.

For at least the hundredth time that year, Severus wished portraits came with earplugs.

"I still win the bet, old man."

Albus ignored him masterfully, "So Gellert said, 'That's not all I'd do,' and I was such an innocent boy then, not really under standing until…"

--

Harry was still rather dazed when he bumped into Headmistress Minerva McGonagall, eyes glazed and face a curious shade of red. She watched him straighten out and stare vacantly past her with quite a bit of concern, "Mr. Potter? Are you alright?"

Harry finally met hazel eyes and blinked rapidly, "Professor… Dumbledore… cock… Gellert?… Snape… Merlin…"

Minerva twitched in an effort not to laugh, "Ah, Albus is at it again, then?"

Harry didn't seem to hear her as he wandered away, and Minerva chuckled on her way back to her office.

Time to save Severus. Again.

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It was a month later that the headline graced the front page of the Daily Prophet, and the students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were treated to the rare sight of Headmistress Minerva McGonagall laughing outright. Some even purported to have seen her dashing through the halls.

In her office, Minerva stopped before the portraits of Albus and Severus and held up the newspaper to the twinkling joy of her former professor and to the extreme vexation of her former student.

'Harry Potter: The-Boy-Who-Lived-to-Defeat-Voldemort-and-Come-Out-of-the-Closet!'

Albus cackled gleefully, "I win, my dear boy. I always win."

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A/N: I got this idea while writing a chapter to Para… and couldn't help but write it. Retarded? Yes. Pointless? Yes. Am I sorry? No.

I wanted to make a Dumbles' Gaydar reference… but it seemed too parody (radar is a muggle device, after all, so what would the Wizarding equivilant be? Gaypointmespell? XP)

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