The first thing Matthew Williams heard was a high-pitched squealing not unlike the death cry of a small mammal. The second was the unmistakable sound of approaching footsteps. The third- well, that he didn't hear so much as feel- was him being tackled into the lunch table by a ridiculously excited freshman named Alfred F. Jones.

"Jesus, Alfred!" He gasped after peeling his stomach away from the edge of the plastic table, "I have fake wood grain imprinted in my abs now."

"Yeah, your abs of steel." Alfred rolled his eyes. "More like steel wool! Well, anyways, speaking of abs," Alfred grinned, practically shaking with excitement. "There was an extremely fortuitous occurrence today during gym, and I need to tell you all about it because it was amazing and wonderful and fortuitous and made my life and I almost jizzed my baller shorts because it was so great!"

"Sit down first," Matthew jabbed a finger into Alfred's stomach, "people are staring, moron."

"Okay!" Alfred plopped down on the bench and immediately launched into his narrative. "So, you know how for shitty fitness testing we have to run for 12 minutes and then they count the number of laps you get? Well, duh you know that, you do it too. Haha, 'you do it too.' That sounded sexual. Oh, b-t dubs, I got 26 mofo-ing laps! That's two miles! Suck it, brotha!"

"If you don't get on with the story, I'll call Gil over here, and then you won't have a chance to tell me what happened because he'll be too busy ranting about his awesome five meters," Matthew threatened.

"Okay, jeez! Chill! So… where was I? Oh, yeah! So, Iggy has the same gym period as me, and when I was running I heard someone say "Go Alfred!" and I was pretty sure it was him because I know his voice. It's like a chorus of British angel dudes! Well. So. After I finished my fucking amazing run, I went outside to cool down because it was all hot and stinky inside the gym, ya know?" Alfred stared earnestly at Matt for confirmation, waiting until the other blonde nodded before continuing his story. "And then, when I stepped out of that pit of hell and into the beautiful sunshine- lo and behold, there was Arthur Kirkland in all of his shirtless glory." Alfred paused and a dreamy smile slid across his face, accompanied by a hazy-eyed look that made Alfred look as stoned as Matthew wished he could be instead of listening to his best friend fantasize about a senior. "His abs are glorious, Matthew!"

"… So you spent 10 minutes ogling Arthur?" Matthew rolled his eyes when Alfred nodded like an epileptic ostrich. "How is that different from any other gym class? You memorized what his fucking gym shorts look like, for Francis' sake! You do know that -according to the school handbook- staring at someone can technically be considered sexual harassment, right?"

"…" Alfred opened both his eyes as wide at he could and stared at Matthew through the lenses of his glasses, quivering with barely suppressed laughter. "Hey Matt," he said, his voice higher than usual because of the hysteria he was holding back. "I'm sexually harassing you!" Alfred's voice went up an octave and cracked on the last word, and then he burst out laughing.

Matthew bent down and hid his face behind his lunchbox, fervently wishing that no one was looking at them.

"I swear, Alfred," he hissed, "some day you're going to rape that poor kid. I can see it now- you'll tie him to a bed, naked, and then take his pants off and-"

Alfred went from practically drooling to hysteric again, and Matthew wondered what meds he was taking that made him bounce to varying degrees of insanity like a kangaroo on a trampoline. "You said take his pants off!" Alfred managed to get out between laughs, "but he was already naked! Was he wearing skin-pants or something?" At that, he started laughing even harder, and Matthew started worrying about the possibility of Alfred rupturing one of his internal organs from convulsing so much.

"Anyways," Alfred said after calming down somewhat, "I definitely know what I'm jacking off to tonight!"

"If you want actual pictures, I've got some good ones," said Elizaveta (the school's resident photographer/fangirl), sliding onto the bench.

As Alfred and Eliza discussed prices and the possibility of Alfred and Arthur hooking up at some point in the future, Matthew buried his face in his hands and wondered what karmic catastrophe he'd created to deserve this.

"Hey! It's the fatass, the fugly, and the fucking Canadian!" A familiar voice announced as its owner hip checked Matthew to get a space to sit. "Oh yeah, have fun dissecting your pig in Bio today. When I did mine it squirted brain juice on me!"

That was when the 'fucking Canadian' started seriously contemplating life as a Buddhist monk instead of a high school student.

"Matt! I forgot to tell you and Lizzy, but we have trumpet sectionals today! And we have a sub, so we can do whatever the fuck we want!" Alfred cheered, fist bumping Elizaveta.

Matthew really hoped that they had maple syrup in China.

Authoress' Random Ramble

Alrighty, this is the first chapter of my new high school AU (I really should not be starting another fic right now...)! It's going to have UsUk, a little bit of FrUk to make things interesting, PruCan, Spamano, probablu AusHun (my regular pairings), and if you guys want anything else, review and tell me!

It's going to be funny, facepalm-worthy, and mostly true (I'm basing a lot of it after what actually happens at my high school). Get ready for a wild ride!

Less than three, less than three