I own nothing, this isn't Beta read - if there are major mistakes, please contact me! Basically just a little thingy I wrote after Sheriarty hit me in the face in The Reichenbach Fall.

Sherlock, my dearest Sherlock,

I've told you something, I've told you that all my life I've searched for distraction and that you were the best distraction until the point as I felt that it's over.

Our game is over. Everything I've ever worked for ended on the day at the roof. No, I'm not talking about the fact that you jumped or that I pulled the trigger, I'm talking about the moment as you, Sherlock Holmes, ruined my life. You've ruined everything I've ever stood for, everything I've ever worked was destroyed by you. You ask yourself how? You ask yourself why I'm writing this letter now. Two years later? Let me explain it to you, my dear Sherlock.

I have watched you ever since I knew you existed. Since I found out that there is someone, who's just like me, did I live my life for you. Everything I did was for you. I wanted to be better – bigger. I knew that you were the only one who could understand me, the perfect counterpart. As if god made you for me and me for you. It was a story of destiny and as the time was right, did I show myself to you. No one before saw me before, I've always worked over handler because I wanted you to be the first one.

And then did I meet you at the pool and you didn't disappoint me. You were just like I had expected it. Brilliant, I meant really – and outstanding mind finally someone I could mess with. Since that day did I do everything to get your attention, they called me mad for doing this. For watching you every day, for putting everything into the final plan – hours, days, weeks even months, it took me month until my plan was perfect, perfect for you. It was then when I noticed it – after everyone had already told me did I finally see it on my own – I was addicted to you, addicted to your attention, I was craving it, craving for you.

You, the only man in the world who could understand the pain of being called a monster, now and in the past, I knew that it was meant to be. My addiction was affection and the permanent attention seeking turned out as… love. Such a dull and senseless feeling. I've always tried to avoid such things, I shut the emotions down it helped me to focus on success, focus on the work, focus on the things that mattered. I tried to stop it, I tried to distract myself I've buried myself in work, I've structured and planned murders, murders which didn't have any sense.

You ruined me, you made me human again. I used to be a machine and my life was brilliant. I've always tried to impress you, I wanted you to notice how much I hated you for it but I failed. Back on the roof, Sherlock I knew that you would survive, as much as you do that I would survive. I didn't come after you, I could have and I still could but there was no point in it. We've finished our game, the final plan had worked out and that's all you wanted from me.

You won, you broke me, and you were the one who burned the heart out of me even if it was my plan to do it to you – it was my plan and you stole it, he worst part about it? You were successful.

There's still the question why I'm writing you now, Sherlock I will be dead when you receive this letter. I can't do this anymore, this feeling I've shut down is killing me from the inside, so slowly and painfully, I want it to stop and that is the only way to make it stop.

I don't expect to see you again, you know, you once told me that you're not an angel, you were wrong. You are but I'm not. This is my goodbye, my standing ovation – well played, Sherlock Holmes, well played.

The words I never managed to say, the words I never said to someone, I will say them to you.

I Love You, Sherlock Holmes and I hope that you're aware of your victory over me.

I will never forget you, you the man who was me.

James Moriarty