A/N: my second fanfic, hope you enjoy ~
Warnings: (one-sided) gay-love, kissing and a fairly sad ending (not too sad though, I think)
I hated him. I swear, I did. But still, there was something about him. Something I cannot describe. He was tall, black haired and friendly. We were opposites in almost every way and he thought I hated him, which I did, but well…
The feelings I feel are so confusing. I still hate him, but I love him just as much. How can that make sense? That's right, it doesn't. I can't work with him. I have to fight for my family, for Juudaime. However, with him around that's just impossible. I have to keep up the pretense of hate, so that I can keep him out of my fights for a good reason, that I don't want him to interfere. That is harder than it sounds though. He doesn't hate me, which complicates things. He tries to cooperate and help me, but that just makes things worse for me. My passion for him comes out though, in the form of anger. Being shot ten years into the future by the ten year bazooka didn't help for one bit. At this point he is really starting to dislike me, but right now I don't care. This fight is dangerous, our opponent is too strong. We cannot handle him, so Yamamoto has to stay out of this.
The next thing I know is that I'm being knocked down. I hear Yamamoto calling out my name and our opponent laughing. I feel Yamamoto by my side. The pain is overwhelming. I'm going to die, I just know it. I have to tell him now. Now or never.
"Y-Y-Yamamoto," I start.
"Sssh, it's alright, you're going to be fine Gokudera, trust me," he says in a calming voice.
"Yamamoto, I love you," I tell him and black out.
The first thing I notice when I wake up is the room I'm in. The light shines bright into my eyes and Juudaime and Reborn-san are there beside my bed.
"Gokudera-kun!" Juudaime says.
"Juudaime…" I reply.
"Let him rest Tsuna, you have a lot of training to do and now that you know he's alive and awake you might be able to focus," Reborn-san tells him. "Yamamoto will be watching him."
Juudaime and Reborn-san left. I thought I was all alone, when suddenly Yamamoto steps out of the shadows in the far corner of my room.
"Yamamoto," I say and close my eyes, I can't keep them open any longer. I don't want to see the expression on his face when he looks at me with disgust and tells me something I don't want to hear.
He comes closer and sits down on a chair next to my bed.
"Hi Gokudera, I'm glad to see you awake," he tells me. This was not even close to what I thought he might say. I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what, so I kept quiet.
"You look awful, don't ever try to fight guys like him on your own ever again, got it?" he says to me, angrily. Tears escape my eye as I apologize. I squeeze my eyes, which makes my cheeks even wetter with tears. He brushes them away with the back of his hand.
"Gokudera, what you said before," he started, "Well, I'm not sure whether I feel the same way."
This was worse than him yelling at me for being, for being whatever. If he would've gotten angry, I could get angry too. But this, him telling me that the feelings I have for him are not mutual in such a comforting tone, that is just too much. I turn around, to hide my shame.
"I'm sorry Gokudera," he says. Like that helps. Aren't we always sorry all the time? being sorry doesn't fix anything. I want to walk away, but I'm helpless in a sort of hospital bed. Tied to it due to my injuries.
"I'm maybe not in love with you, but you're still my friend. I'm not going to leave this room 'till someone comes to take care of you and sit next to you," he tells me. I wish he would just go. However, Yamamoto was someone who kept his word, so he stayed. While he just sits there my mind is full of thoughts I don't want to have. Thoughts of him telling the others and all of the laughing about it. Yamamoto wouldn't do that though, would he? And Juudaime, he wouldn't laugh, or am I wrong about that too? How about everyone else? I don't want to think about this, but the more I try not to, the more I think about it. Why can everybody be happy except for me? I guess I was never meant to be happy.
I'm scared. While thinking this more tears escape my eyes. I'm actually crying now. He can hear it. He can see my body shaking from crying, but he keep quiet.
After several minutes somebody else comes in. I don't know who it is, since my back is facing the door. I hear some whispers, it's too soft to distinguish who's voice it is. This makes me anxious. I can't hear what they're saying either, which is even worse. One of them leaves. I wonder who. Did Yamamoto just leave or was it the other person? There is of course a way to find out, just turn around, but my face is wet from tears and my eyes are red from crying. I don't want anyone to see me like this.
"Hayato," I hear from behind me. It's sis, if I turn around now I will get a really bad stomachache. That is probably one of the last things I need right now.
I pretend to be asleep when a few minutes later someone takes over from her.
"I had to go take care of something," Yamamoto's voice tells me.
"Like I care," I say, my voice sounds hoarse. My tears are even visible in my voice, how pathetic.
"I'm sorry Gokudera," he says. I try to go to sleep. I can't manage at first, but eventually I fall asleep.
I wake up, being all alone. I'm glad about that, there is no one around who I'm willing to face right now. I feel terrible. I'm thirsty, so I try to get up to get some water when I'm being pushed back. I appears that there was someone there after all. Yamamoto.
"Don't try to get up, you're injured," he tells me.
"Leave me alone you bastard," I say, it's a habit for me to call him that.
"No, I won't," he says, "look Gokudera, I like you, but as a friend. Nothing more. I don't want to make you unhappy, but I can't fake what I don't feel. I sincerely am sorry."
"I don't care, I already told you that yesterday," I say to him, trying to make him back-off.
"You didn't mean it yesterday and you don't mean it now, I can tell," he tells me. Like he knows what I think and feel. Right now I wish that I'd really died after that battle, or that I hadn't told him. Either way. However, we can't change the past, so the was no point in whining about it. I try to get up again, my throat is killing me, so dry and soar. He pushes me back once again.
"I told you not to get up!" he says angrily.
"Like you care," I reply.
"As a matter of fact, I do. What is it that you want so badly?" he says.
"Nothing I can't get myself," I tell him. Right now I could have hit myself. What did it matter if he got it for me or not? I am so thirsty and I need to drink.
"Sure, what were you planning on getting yourself?" he asks.
"Water," I reply truthfully. As soon as I tell him he gets off and a few minutes later he's back with water. I drink it. A lot of it is spilled, because I'm so thirsty and my injuries don't allow me to hold the cup properly in my hands.
"Wait," Yamamoto says when I already finished. My thirst is not quenched completely, but it's better than before. He runs off again, getting me more water. This time he doesn't give it to me. He holds the cup up to my mouth in such a way that I can take in sips of water. Right now I hate the fact that he is holding my cup for me, but I know that I'm in no position to argue. As soon as I finish the cup he puts it next to my bed. I try to turn around once more, but he won't let me. The touch of his hand on my shoulder makes me feel dizzy. He doesn't notice of course, but it's overwhelming. I close my eyes, trying not to let my feelings show. It seems is if he doesn't notice, but I'm fine with that.
A couple of days later I can finally get out of bed and do my things like any other normal person. My main objective is to avoid Yamamoto. At first I succeed in doing this quite well. However, we still have our meals together. Usually I sit as far away from him as possible, but when either of us is running a bit late, we have no choice but to sit closer to each other.
Today had one of those evenings. Both our trainings had run a little late and we were forced to sit next to one another. The dining table is a bit small for all of us, so we sat quite close to each other. His elbow accidentally touched mine and a shiver went through my body. I could tell he noticed, but he didn't say a thing. As far as I know, he hasn't told the others. As soon as everyone is finished, I flee to my room. The others are doing some more training, so I'm the only one there. I lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. After a while I hear the door opening. I can't bring myself to see who it is, my bed is the top one of a bunk bed, so it's hard to see anything without moving. I feel someone climbing up the other end of my bed. I close my eyes, not caring who it is. Or at least, I'm telling myself I don't care. Whoever it is settles him- or herself next to me. Suddenly I feel a set of strong arms around me.
"I want to give it a try, you and me," Yamamoto whispers in my ear.
"I don't want pity-love," I tell him.
"It isn't pity-love, it's just love," he says.
"But you said you didn't love me," I say, confused.
"I thought I didn't, but it turns out I do," he explains.
"That doesn't make sense," I reply.
"I know, but that doesn't make it less true," he says.
"Fine," I say, sounding irritated but feeling immensely happy. We lie there for a while. At a certain point Juudaime comes in to the room. He sees us and there is an awkward silence. Yamamoto breaks it: "Hi Tsuna, how was training?"
"Uhm, fine," Juudaime answers, "What are you doing?" he continues.
"Resting," Yamamoto tells him, "we had a long day of training too."
"Yeah, okay. That's right, I guess," Juudaime replies. He leaves with a soft "see you guys later" and Yamamoto and I are alone again. Yamamoto laughs.
"I think that he won't tell anyone," he says, still chuckling.
"Indeed, that would be very unlike him," I reply. We are quiet for a moment. I close my eyes once more and I feel safe. More than before. Even back in the past, I felt less safe than this.
Then I feel his breath on my face. Suddenly I can't breathe anymore. I open my mouth to get some fresh air, but my mouth is covered. It happens so suddenly, yet so gentle and expected. His warm lips move against mine, his breath enters my mouth. He tastes sweet. Like a mixture of the dessert we just had and something else, something better. Something unique, something new, yet familiar. I want more, no, I need more. As we lie there, kissing, there's nothing a can or want to think about but this very moment. Eventually we have to pull away, because we both have a shortage of oxygen. I put down my head on his breast, hearing his heartbeat, feeling the movement of his breast letting in air.
The next morning I try to talk to him, but he avoids me everywhere he goes. Right before lunch I finally catch him.
"Why are you avoiding me?" I demand.
"I'm not," he says defensively.
"Yes you are, I've been trying to talk to you all morning, but I couldn't find you or you were just going somewhere else or there was some other lame excuse why you couldn't talk to me. Please, talk to me now!" I say to him.
"Look Gokudera, this isn't going to work," he tells me. "I've tried to like you as something more than a friend, but I can't. I really can't. We, we can never work, because I don't really love you."
Now that's a devastating blow. First I gave up, then he brings up hope in me and then he crushes it like a huge meteor striking the earth. How can he do this to me? He gave me false hope, how dare he! My mood suddenly changes from sadness to anger. I take out my bombs and lit them. He sees it but it's too late.
"You shouldn't give people false hope!" I yell at him and throw my dynamite. With a devastating blow the alarm goes off and Yamamoto screams. I run, as far away from the place as I can within the hideout. The sounds of the blow and the scream hunt me as the sound of the alarm pierces my ears. I hide somewhere in a room I've never been before.
A few hours later I come out. The alarm has died out long ago and I walk towards the dining room.
"What happened? I heard the alarm, but I couldn't find anyone," I ask Kyoko and Haru who are in the kitchen.
"It appears that something happened to Yamamoto, but he says he can't remember what happened or who did it. He says he probably did something himself," Kyoko tells me.
"Thank you, where is he now?" I want to know.
"In the room where you were recovering before," Haru says.
"Thanks," I say to them and hurry off to Yamamoto's room.
I find him all alone.
"Why did you lie?" I demand.
"It doesn't matter. I upset you, I get that. This lie will keep all lives of all the guardians bearable," he tells me.
"Thank you," I say curtly and leave the room.
After that life pretty much continues the way it had before, except that I felt different whenever I was near Yamamoto and I believe it was the same for him. However, we never let it show and pretty much acted like nothing ever happened.
A/N: I hope you liked it and please review ~