They're singing "Deck the Halls," But it's not like Christmas at all, I remember when you were here, and all the fun we had last year
"You forgot one," Chris said.
Beth and Chris were in their living room, quiet Christmas music was playing in the background and half of dozen boxes of decorations and their contents were strewn about the room. When Beth turned to look at him she found him holding out a stocking from the box she had just emptied. His tone when he spoke had been casual but he held it out to her so hopefully that it added weight to what he had said. She had already hung both of theirs on the mantle and when she saw this third one the expression on her face instantly hardened and her entire body stiffened.
She walked towards him quickly and snatched it out of his hand. "No, I didn't," she said taking the stocking and throwing it back in the box. She closed the box and threw it at the corner of the room where the rest of the empty decoration boxes were.
"Beth," he said quietly, entreatingly.
"No."
"But-"
"No," she said again a bit firmer and holding up a hand to stop him. She really didn't want to continue talking about this. She was trying to make this a happy day, trying to get into the spirit and she wouldn't be able to keep it up if they talked about this.
Chris got up off the floor and walked towards her and she crossed her arms. She started to get angry because she could tell he wasn't going to drop this. "He's not coming home," she said as fiercely as she could manage but already she could feel the burn of tears in her eyes.
"You don't know that. I did invite him," he said softly.
"You spoke to him?"
"No," he admitted. "I left him a message."
Beth nodded her head. That was what she had thought.
She knew he wasn't trying to start a fight or even trying to upset her. But she wasn't going to let herself get her hopes up again. If she did when they were dashed it would only ruin their Christmas. It was best to accept things now for what they were. "He's not coming back. Christmas won't change that."
She said it with anger but his face only grew more sympathetic as he looked at her; he always did know what she was really feeling. He tried to reach out a hand to her but she pulled back and stared down at her feet. Her vision was swimming with tears already and if he touched her she knew she would be done for.
"Don't say that," he begged quietly.
She could tell just by his tone he was just as sad as her and it made her feel more upset. She really hadn't wanted to do this. With everything that had happened this year she had already been worried about Christmas coming but she had determined to make an effort at being happy today. Now, it felt like trying was just going to be pointless.
"Why not? It's the truth. You know it is."
Chris paused a moment before speaking. "I still have hope."
Of course he did. Of course he did. Chris always expected the best out of others and he never gave up on anyone. It was one of the things she loved most about him. But he was also the person who had made her abandon her hope and she wasn't about to try and get it back just so she could be heartbroken on Christmas.
She looked back up at him knowing her eyes must be red but trying to make them look challenging. "Don't you think that even if he was speaking to us, that he may want to spend Christmas with his parents? It's only his second one back."
And we got him last year, she thought.
Chris looked upset but he admitted, "I suppose you're right."
"And even if he didn't want to spend it with them he wouldn't want to spend it with us," she said, her voice cracking on the last word. She shouldn't have added that. She should have quit while she was ahead.
She turned to leave the room but Chris grabbed her arm. "Don't leave. Please."
"I can't do this," she said shaking her head.
"I'm sorry I brought it up. Please…let's just get back to decorating."
But it was too late. All she could think about was that stocking, about whose name was on it. She couldn't help but focus on it as a reminder of what they'd had and what they'd lost.
"I'm sorry." She pulled away from him and walked quickly down the hall knowing she was about to cry. As she walked to their room she tried and failed, as she always did, to not look at the other bedroom door, the one that remained shut.
She lay down on their bed and finally gave into her true feelings. She knew Chris would be able to hear her crying and she really was sorry about that. She knew he was hurting too, just as badly as she was, and would feel worse knowing he'd upset her this much. But she couldn't help it. It still hurt so badly.
Six months it had been since Mark left and never came back. Four months since they'd heard a single word from him. She no longer believed that he would come back.
They'd lost him.
3 Months Ago
"Beth, stop!" Chris said, worry in his voice.
"I have to do something," she said, rushing around the room but not really making any progress. She meant to be packing a bag but she was so frazzled all she ended up doing was running from one side of the room to the next.
Chris walked to her and put his hands on her shoulders to stop her. "You're not going to Chicago," he said gently.
She knew he had a point, knew it was a silly idea but she felt so powerless. The worry was eating her alive and it didn't seem like there was anything else she could do here. She had to go to Mark and make him listen.
"We have to do something," she said looking into his eyes, begging him to help her, to help them, figure out a solution to this. She could see the worry there and knew he felt the same that she did. She was reassured and anchored by it knowing it was something they shared it.
But there was also something new in Chris' eyes that she didn't quite recognize that unsettled her. It almost looked like he had bad news and that was the last thing she could take right now.
It had been three months of this, three months of waiting and worry that got stronger each day. Mark had left to visit his parents and speak at the University of Chicago for two weeks. Two weeks that had turned into three. Three had turned into four. His return date had kept getting pushed back until he stopped giving them one at all. His phone calls got further and further apart and briefer each time until they had stopped all together. They'd heard nothing from him at all for a month now. The only way that Beth even knew that he was alive and well was that she kept calling and talking to his mom. She felt bad for bothering Mrs. Watney but it was her only link to Mark.
"He's not just gone for a visit," she said. "There's something wrong."
"I know," Chris said his voice sad.
They'd both known it for a while but this was the first time they'd really talked about it. "Well, what are we going to do?" she asked impatiently.
"Nothing," he said quietly. The word sunk into her gut like a rock.
"Wh-what are you saying?" she asked pulling back a little and looking at him severely. "What are you talking about?"
He tightened his hands on her arms slightly to hold her. "Beth..."
"Because it sounds very much to me like you just said we should give up. But I know you, you of all people, wouldn't say that. You wouldn't say that to me."
Only he was saying that. She could not be more surprised or more hurt. She didn't understand. She knew he missed Mark just as much as she did, maybe even more. He loved Mark and wanted him to come home too, so why was he saying this? She pulled back and out of his grasp as tears started to sting her eyes.
"No!" she said. "I…I can't lose him too. We can still fix this."
She could tell that Chris was going to cry too and that he hurt knowing he was upsetting her. "We can't."
"We could if you would just try," she said angrily. She was trying to be optimistic here and keep things going and it made her angry that he was fighting her on it. She was already pulling on the last of her reserves and if he didn't support her she knew she would crash. She was used to them being a team on all things; she didn't want them to disagree especially about this.
"There's nothing more we can do," he voice was gentle but he was begging her to understand.
"Yes, there is. There has to be something. We can't just let him go," she said frantically.
"It's his decision. If he wants to leave, we can't make him stay."
"You know why he left," she whispered. One of her hands trailed absently across her stomach before she pulled it away and crossed her arms in frustration.
"Yes."
"And you know that he's wrong."
"Yes, I do. But we've explained to him how we feel. He has to choose to accept it. He has to work this out on his own."
On his own. Beth hated the sound of that. She hated the very idea of Mark alone, feeling unwanted. She hated the idea of him not being here with them, at home where he should be, of thinking for even a moment that he was a burden.
"But he needs us," she said pitifully. All the fight was gone out of her and it was replaced with such sadness she felt crushed. "I… I need him."
Chris stepped towards her and wrapped his arms around her. She fell limp against him and started to cry. "Why won't he believe us?" she sobbed.
He brushed a hand against her hair. "I don't know. It can't be easy for him; he's put a lot of pressure on himself. That's all I can figure," he murmured his voice distorted with his own tears. "We just have to hope he'll find his way back."
"What if he doesn't?"
Chris didn't have an answer to this question; he only held her tighter in the silence.
Beth snuck into the living room on the night before Christmas. All the lights were out except for the tree which blinked in multi colors making the otherwise dark room look very festive and warm. She carried a bag of things she wanted to put in Chris' stocking and she took her chance now that he had fallen asleep. She knew he'd already been out here because she had made a big show of going to bed much earlier than she normally would have so that he would have the opportunity. It was one of the only nights she could recall getting into bed before he had.
When she got to the stockings she not only saw that her stocking was full and nearly over flowing with goodies but she also saw the third stocking hanging up next to hers. Chris had gone ahead and put it up anyway. And not just that, it had things in it too.
Mark
She was the one that had bought it and wrote his name in glue and red glitter on it last year. She felt a mixture of emotions as she stared at it. She felt a deep desire for Mark to be here. She also felt a strong flash of anger at him for leaving. Tears filled her eyes and she shook her head.
She loved her husband so much. Even though she was angry at Chris for putting the stocking up after she told him she didn't want to she couldn't help but love him for thinking of Mark and, no matter how slim the chance was that he would actually be there in the morning, not wanting him to be empty handed if he were. It was a strange combination of anger and love she felt at the moment for both of these men in her life.
The anger didn't win out though and faded and soon she was crying as she filled up Chris' stocking. When she was finished she even let a few fingers linger on Mark's for a moment as she passed by. She knew that some of Chris' hope had rubbed off on her no matter how much she hadn't wanted it to and found herself wishing by some miracle Mark would be there in the morning. Knowing she was too wound up to go back to bed right away she curled up on the couch to stare at the tree for a while.
After they had quarreled on the day they were decorating for Christmas Beth had determined to try and enjoy the season with Chris. They needed each other; they didn't need to be fighting. She wanted to be happy about it all and most of the time with him she was happy. They were together and in love and that was something she didn't ever take for granted. But when she was alone like this she didn't deny the sorrow she felt that Mark wouldn't be here celebrating with them.
She hadn't expected to become so close to him. She never would have believed it possible when they'd first met. Truth be told, she hadn't really liked Mark when she'd first met him. She thought he was a smart mouth and she didn't appreciate his constant jokes or his attempts at flirting. But first impressions were not always accurate and they certainly hadn't been with Mark. Now they'd all spent years together. They had gone through so much together. She'd come to see past that charismatic exterior and come to know the real him and that had made her love him.
When they'd come back to earth Mark needed a little extra help physically and (he would begrudgingly admit) emotionally. They'd gladly invited him to come and stay with them while he recovered and he'd accepted without a fight. He'd been easy to persuade since he really had nowhere to return to thanks to his 'death' which had led to his house being sold. It really had been meant as a temporary situation until he got back on his feet. But her and Chris hadn't anticipated how perfectly he fit into their lives. She'd thought there would be growing pains as they all learned how to live with each other, something they had never done outside of their mission but that just hadn't been the case. He fit into their home so easily it was like it had always been that way. Mark was so much fun to be around and it just felt good to have him around. When he had finally gotten a clean bill of health her and Chris had decided they didn't want him leave. They'd asked him to stay permanently and he had accepted.
She thought of last Christmas and how different it had been. It had occurred not long after their arrival back on earth and after more than two years spent in space and countless obstacles encountered and conquered it had called for a celebration unlike any other. None of them had been physically up to traveling but Beth's, Chris' and Mark's families didn't mind coming to them. They had visited for weeks prior to Christmas and since the three of them were living together all of their visitors had occupied the same space for most of that time making it feel like a party that had gone on for most of the month of December. A few days before Christmas their families had returned home and the Ares 3 crew had gotten together for their own Christmas party. Vogel was the only one who hadn't been able to attend but they'd had a long Skype session with him and his family in Germany. On Christmas day it had been just her and Chris and Mark together celebrating quietly at home. They'd spent the day in their pajamas, opening presents like kids and stuffing their faces. It had been the best Christmas Beth had ever had and she could not remember a time she had felt happier.
She knew she shouldn't but she got out her phone and scrolled through all the pictures they'd taken last Christmas. Soon, she was crying at how happy they'd been and laughing at all the goofy ones Mark had taken of himself. She missed him so much. How could so much change in only one year?
She'd known what it was to lose Mark forever and she'd never wanted that to happen ever again. He was far more than just a friend anymore. He was family and he belonged with them. After they'd all fought so hard to get him back from Mars she'd never believed that they could lose him like this. It hurt all the more to know that, without ever meaning to, they had driven him away.
She pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them as she laid her head down. Mark had never said why he left but she had figured it out. She tried to get him to say why he wasn't coming home the last time they'd spoke and she and Chris begged him to come back. He never explained and then he stopped taking their calls at all. But she was pretty sure she knew why he wouldn't tell her and it made her love him even more.
Beth eventually nodded off. She only woke up later when the sound of a key rustling in the doorknob startled her. She didn't have time to react to the fact that someone was opening the front door or to wonder who it might be. She barely had time to stand and stretch out her aching limbs before the door was open.
She was still disoriented from sleep and the sight in front of her was so unexpected that it took her a moment to realize she hadn't just dreamed it up. Her mouth hung open in surprise and she couldn't speak. He looked surprised to see her as well but it couldn't be close to the shock she was feeling.
Mark dropped his bag to the floor and shrugged looking a little embarrassed. "I was going to surprise you guys in the morning," he said when he realized she wasn't going to say anything.
To say Beth hadn't thought about this moment would be a lie. She had imagined what it would be like to see Mark again; many times she had dreamed of how it would happen and what it would feel like. But none of those imagined reunions were quite like this. She thought she would feel nothing but joy but at the moment she felt conflicted. She still felt that strange combination of love and anger and one of hurt and yearning.
They stared at each other for an uncomfortably long time. He remained where he was, just inside the front door and she stood frozen by the tree. He hadn't been expecting to talk to her quite so soon and she hadn't expected to be talking to him at all so neither knew what to say. Looking at him right now, almost felt to Beth like looking at a stranger. Not a complete stranger but someone she didn't know well and she hated that feeling most of all. She hadn't seen him in six months; it was a long time to go without seeing someone you were so close to. She expected him to start cracking jokes as he always did, especially when things got heavy, but he didn't. He remained serious adding to the feeling of strangeness of this situation. She didn't know how to feel or what to say but it was clear he was waiting on her to go first.
"I didn't think you were that sentimental," she said finally and, with concentration, evenly.
Chris had hoped maybe Mark would come back for Christmas but Beth had never really believed it would happen. Chris had hoped he'd make an exception, had hoped maybe Christmas could provide an opportunity for Mark to feel like he could come home. But that had just always struck Beth as too emotional a thing for Mark to do. Yet, here he was.
"I'm not," he admitted. "I just thought you wouldn't have the heart to throw me out on a Christmas."
Beth's expression softened. "We would never throw you out."
More uncomfortable silence hung between them. She wanted to ask him 'what are you doing here?' but that sounded confrontational and even though there was a part of her that was so angry at him, the greater part of her was so glad he was actually here that she was too afraid to say anything that might cause him to leave again. This was his home so he didn't need a reason to be here. But at the same time he had been gone for so long that she did think his sudden reappearance warranted some explanation.
After struggling with the best way to get her point across she finally said, "I'm surprised to see you here."
"Well," he said his mouth tugging up in a half-smile at one corner. "Lewis called me and completely ripped me a new one. I had thought maybe her words would lose some of their power once she wasn't technically my commander anymore. Turns out, they haven't. I'm still kind of terrified not do exactly what she says."
Beth wanted to laugh; he sounded so familiar, just like she remembered. But his words only made things more confusing. "She did?"
"Yeah. She told me all the reasons I was an idiot for leaving and why I had better get back here soon if I knew what was good for me."
"We didn't tell her to do that," Beth was quick to explain. Still, she was touched at Lewis' concern for them.
"I know. She was very clear that the thoughts she was expressing so strongly were her own. And it's O.K." he said, his expression turning serious again. "Everything she said was the truth and she didn't need to threaten me with bodily harm to convince me to come back."
"What did she say that convinced you?" Beth asked eagerly. Her heart was soaring and pounding because it sounded very much like he had decided to come home for good. She wanted to know how Lewis had convinced him of what her and Chris had been unable to.
Mark looked uncomfortable. He obviously regretted walking straight into this question. It was hard for him to share his feelings but she watched as he attempted it, though it took him a few moments.
He looked down, his voice quiet. "She told me how sad you and Chris were...without me here."
Tears started to sting Beth's eyes. "We were," she whispered, eager to admit it.
"I'm sorry," he said, his voice cracking as he looked up at her.
Beth rushed over to him and wrapped her arms around him and he eagerly hugged her back. He wasn't a stranger. How she could have felt that even for a second? His body curled around hers the same and when she buried her face into his shoulder, he smelled just as she had remembered. This felt like he had never left. He squeezed her so tightly he even lifted her a few inches off the ground and she smiled; those were the best kind of hugs and only Mark gave them.
After a good long hug she pulled back but left her arms holding on to his. She pulled him over to the couch and they sat down. She stared at him taking a long look at him. He was in need of a shave but otherwise he looked the same. She wasn't sure why she should expect him to look differently. She supposed she thought there would have been some sort of physical evidence of all that had passed but of course there wasn't. In the grand scheme of things it hadn't been all that long.
"I was going to clean up first," he said, noticing how much she was staring at him.
"You're perfect," she said, running a hand over the stubble on his cheek and reaching up to unnecessarily straighten his already straight glasses. He seemed a little uncomfortable with this expression of affection as he usually did when she said things like this. It was hard for him to accept genuine compliments but she couldn't help it.
Then she realized he also looked a bit overwhelmed at the moment. It only took her few seconds to realize why; he had been expecting a very different reception than the one he was receiving. She couldn't believe it but Mark had thought her and Chris wouldn't want him back.
"You didn't really think we wouldn't want you to come back, did you?" she asked, shocked and so sad he'd been feeling that way.
She could tell he had worried about it. "I know I was wrong for leaving. I wouldn't have blamed you for being mad at me."
"I was mad," she admitted. "But now that you're here...I..."she stopped. She didn't know how to go on, how to put her feelings into the right words.
It was a few more moments before either one of them spoke. She thought of everything she'd felt in the past six months, all the worry about how Mark was doing, the feeling of rejection when he cut them off, and the sadness his absence had caused.
"Don't ever do that again!" she said firmly, a little more so than she meant to. "O.K. maybe I'm still a little mad," she added in a whisper.
He knew he deserved it, looked like he felt he deserved more than that. "I know I shouldn't have left. I know that now."
"I'm just glad you're back."
He smiled at her but still looked worried. She could tell he had a lot on his mind but he didn't voice any of it.
When Mark was on Mars his ability to compartmentalize his feelings and tuck them away had been something that had helped him survive and keep his sanity. Unfortunately, it had only enforced the mindset he'd already had that he should keep his feelings to himself. They still fought that even today and probably always would.
Fortunately, she had always seemed to be the one that could get him to open up the most.
"Mark, what happened?" she asked gently.
He looked down at his hands sitting in his lap. "You know I hate talking about my stupid feelings."
Beth smiled a little and reached out to hold ones of his hands. She pulled on it to get him to look up at her. "Yes, I do. But you've been away for six months so I think it's something we have to talk about."
He let out a frustrated groan but his face was resigned. He didn't want to talk about it but he knew they needed to. She wouldn't have expected this to be easy for him. Mark was brilliant. You could give him almost any problem and he could solve it. That is if a problem had a logical solution. But he wasn't very good at matters of the heart. He was pretty hopeless when it came to dealing with emotions.
"When we asked you to come and live here we meant for it to be permanent," she said.
"I know."
"Did you change your mind?"
"No. Not at all."
"You thought that we changed our minds?"
He paused and thought before he answered. "I know you would never ask me to leave. I know you would never do that. You might not even ever think it."
"But?"
"But I also think that you haven't really thought it all through."
"Yes we have," Beth said nodding her head vigorously. He was trying to make her feel better about this but she didn't want to be reassured. She need him to believe what she was saying so he could come home and stay home where he belonged. She wanted him to know he belonged.
"It's alright if you haven't. I know we were all kind high on life when you asked me. We were all kind of caught up in the excitement of being back."
"It wasn't a mistake. We don't regret it," she said squeezing his hand.
"I know that. But have you really thought about how it will be years in the future?"
She didn't want to admit that she hadn't thought that far into the future. She hadn't thought anyone had; just adapting back to normal life on Earth was proving to be enough of a challenge for the time being. But just because she hadn't thought about didn't mean that it would change their feelings about having him here.
"Beth," he said seriously. "I'm not going to change."
"We would never ask you to."
"I know. But you haven't really thought it through. Not like I have. At this point, I don't think I'm ever going to get married or have a family of my own. I'm probably always going to be tied to NASA, always living here in Houston. As long as I live I will always be 'that guy that survived on Mars for 18 months.' That's all people will see and they will always remember. That's fine with me. I'm proud of what I did on Mars and I'm alright with that being what the rest of my life is about. But it's different for you and Chris. You could do something else if that's what you want. I want you to have the freedom to do that."
Beth opened her mouth to speak but Mark kept going. "I know you're going to say it's fine, that this is what you and Chris want. It is for now. Maybe it is what you'll always want but maybe it won't be someday. Maybe later you'll want something else but you'll feel stuck here. I don't want you to be tied down because of me."
"I don't know what we're going to want professionally years down the road," she admitted. "So many things are unknown and I just can't say what's going to happen. But we want you, Mark. And that isn't going to change."
He looked almost pained by her words. She didn't know why he wouldn't accept the way her and Chris felt about him. Why did he felt he needed to fight it? "That's not the only thing," he said quietly
"I'm never going to be exactly the same again," he said and her heart broke to hear. She'd heard him voice this concern many times but it never lost its power to affect her. "I'm never going to be completely alright again. I'm always going to be a little messed up."
Beth and Chris both knew this already. Chris had known it even long before the NASA experts had told them. Mark had suffered a lot from what had happened to him. Things had gotten real bad for a time but he had come a long way since then. Still, there were some things he was likely to suffer with for the rest of his life. Increased anxiety, periods of depression, occasional nightmares and panic attacks were all things his future most likely held.
"You have obstacles to in your life that you have to overcome, yes, but that doesn't make you a burden. You know that right?"
She knew that he often felt he was. His reluctance to look at her and his refusal to answer told her that he felt it now. It was all starting to make sense. The suspicion that Beth had had these past several months had been correct after all. She knew she needed to bring up the thing they hadn't talked about.
"This is about the baby, isn't it?" she asked.
It had been a surprise but a pleasant one when Beth found out she was pregnant only a few months after they'd arrived back home. Mark had actually been the first one she'd told. The morning she'd took the test Chris had already left for work and she was so excited when she found out that when she saw Mark she couldn't keep it in. He had been excited for them and she never believed any of that happiness hadn't been genuine.
Things had seemed so good. There was so much hope for the future and things were going so smoothly that she didn't think anything of it when Mark said he was going to visit his parents for a few weeks. It had been doubly painful when she lost the baby a couple of months in because by then she knew Mark wasn't coming back. She'd had to grieve for them both. The year that had started with so much promise had quickly turned into one of loss.
At this, he looked worried and rushed to explain. He was startled to see that she already knew what he would never say. "It wasn't that I wasn't happy for you guys. I really really was."
"I know you were," she assured him.
"I just, I didn't want to impose. To get in the way. You and Chris want a family and you should want that. And I want that for you. I do. And I don't want to stand in the way of you having that. Then when I heard what had happened...I'm sorry about..."
She nodded her head knowing what he was saying. It was still difficult to talk about.
"I wanted to come back," he admitted. "But I thought it would be best if I didn't."
Beth had to swallow down some tears before she could speak. "It wasn't. It would have really helped to have you here. I really could have used a laugh."
Mark looked even more regretful. He always could be called on to lighten any mood and she could tell he regretted not being there to help cheer her up. "I'm sorry I wasn't there. I just thought...I thought it didn't change anything. Things were still going to change and most likely you would be having a family someday."
"What I don't understand is, why did you think that us having a baby would change the way we felt about you being here?"
Mark squirmed a little. Beth watched as he hesitated to say it. It wasn't easy for Mark to talk about his feelings. Before Mars he had hardly ever talked seriously about anything. Back then he would always use a joke or sarcasm to deflect the weight and seriousness of things. But after Mars, he'd had to find a way to talk about the feelings and thoughts he was dealing with. There was too much going on for him to be able to joke it all away. It had been hard and it was still difficult to this day. He was being serious now, which she appreciated because it meant this was important to him, but it was not easy for him.
"Well, because it changes everything. And that's fine; that's good. That's the way it's supposed to be. I would never blame you guys for feeling differently about things once you became parents. I care about you both so much and I would never want to stand in the way of you having a family."
"But Mark, you are family."
Mark looked a little surprised to hear this not because they hadn't told him so; it was just that she didn't usually put it so blatantly. Seeing the near expression of shock on his face and how deeply her words touched him, Beth reconsidered that. Her and Chris didn't often come out and say things like that so plainly because it tended to make Mark uncomfortable. But now she was thinking maybe they ought to make a habit of doing it. They had showed him how they felt about him so many times and in so many ways but maybe he needed to hear the words more often.
He didn't say anything for a long while. He seemed conflicted.
"You know that, right?" she asked.
"Yeah," he said but he sounded reluctant.
"But you're having a hard time accepting it?"
"Yeah, I…I guess I am."
She wasn't surprised. Chris had told her he had expected as much. Since being rescued from Mars, Mark had struggled with a lot of guilt. He had dealt with feelings of inadequacy as it had started to settle in just how much time, money and effort had been spent on his rescue. The magnitude of it all was shocking and no one could ever hope to deserve or earn such a thing. Mark was incredibly grateful but he also felt guilty. Most people probably wouldn't realize that but he had shared those feelings with Chris on the trip back. Chris was obviously no longer Mark's counselor so he wasn't sure how Mark felt about it now that he was on Earth but he had expected that Mark might be feeling the same when it came to his living here with them.
Beth thought, not for the first time, of all the pressure he must put on himself. Everybody had been so welcoming since he'd returned but it couldn't be easy. He was constantly running in to complete strangers who had helped him get off Mars in one way or the other. She knew he also still thought about the cost the crew and all the people at NASA had given to get him back. Like he said earlier, the whole rest of his life was going to be about this and he surely felt he must make it all count for something.
Was that the way he felt about them welcoming him into their home and lives? Did he feel like he didn't deserve it in some way? She knew their arrangement was a little unconventional but it worked for them. As much as they had helped Mark, he had helped them just as much.
"I don't why," he added, sounding frustrated with himself. Mars had changed him and he often got upset with himself for how he now reacted to things.
She took his other hand and squeezed both of his in hers. "When we asked you to stay and live with us, we weren't just offering you a room for as long as it was convenient for us. We have never seen your place here as anything but permanent. We love you and we love having you here."
Beth's head spun as she tried to take in everything Mark had said. It broke her heart to know he had been thinking all of these things and for so long. She wished he had talked to them about all of this because he was right when he said she hadn't thought it through like him. It had been a given to her that he was family. Not for a second had she thought he worried that would change in the future.
Tears started to sting her eyes. She wanted so badly for him to understand that his place here was permanent. She firmly planted her hands on either side of his head and made him look at her when she spoke so that she would know he was really listening. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were dealing with all of this. And I don't know what else to tell you other than what I've already said: you're my best friend and I love you. You are a part of this family now and you always will be. Our feelings for you are not conditional."
He tried to look away but she wouldn't let him. "I didn't expect half of the things that have happened in my life already but they've turned out great. I can take guesses at the future but I don't know what's going to happen either. None of us do. But whatever does happen we will handle it, together. We're family and families stick together. And I think you already know that's enough because you came back here today."
He looked at her. "When Lewis told me how much you missed me…I had hoped it meant you felt the same as I did."
Beth smiled. "And truthfully, when we have kids I'll probably want you around even more."
He gave her a skeptical look and she smiled at him. "They're going to need a crazy uncle," she explained. "One who will play with them like he's a kid too. Who will make them laugh like crazy and probably get them into all kinds of mischief. Who will probably teach them all their curse words before they even go off to kindergarten," she said shaking her head.
Mark laughed at that and so did Beth. "That last one is optional," she said. "Please, feel free to skip that one. But all the other stuff? Face it; they're going to love you."
He seemed incapable of knowing what to say to all of this but the way he smiled let her know that she had finally gotten through. "So, uh...I can stay then?"
"You never have to ask to come home and you, Mark, are home." Beth hugged him tight. He held on and she could feel how weary he was. She was so relieved he was home where he could finally rest easy.
"Come on," she said, linking her arm with his. "Chris should be up soon. I'll make us some coffee. I might even be able to find some cookies to go with it."
As they started to walk to the kitchen Mark asked hopefully, with a grin starting at the corner of his mouth. "Did you make the almond shortbread cookies?"
She smiled. "Yes, of course."
Even though Mark was the only one who liked them. She supposed that Chris hadn't been the only one that had believed Mark would come home for Christmas.