Disclaimer: Star Wars isn't mine.
Summary: Jagged Fel's thoughts during The Joiner King. Note, there are spoilers, so if you haven't read it, be warned.
I watch the events unfold in front of me. I am the commander. My life has become a war. I am the military now. Joy is a rare moment. Ever since the day I lost Jaina, everything has lost meaning.
I remember our parting so clearly, as if it happened two minutes ago. Something was wrong. She couldn't tell me. I knew it had something to do with the Force. She told me she loved me. I knew she was telling the truth. She was having problems that only the Jedi could help her fix. She kissed me goodbye for the final time, tearing my heart in two.
The Jedi cannot fix my Jaina. She won't allow it. She's too stubborn, one of the many traits I love about her. I hate what the Jedi have become. I remember the Jedi at the beginning of the war with the Yuuzhang Vong. They were noble, worthy beings. Now they have fallen into self absorbant pawns. My Jaina is a victim of this.
Her brother torn away from her. She used to tell me about his search for better understanding. I disagreed with it. After all his family has lost, he leaves for years! After the loss of my three siblings, I stayed with my mother as long as need be. Of course, she had Cem. Cem was hidden from the world. A shadow child, the role I wish I had now.
My life has become a slavery of my own doing. I have taken every promotion given to me. I practice all the time to the point of exhaustion every day. I don't want to think. I don't want to dream. I do not care if I am the best. I will not let what has happened to the Galactic Alliance happen to the Chiss. I will protect them at all cost. No more harm will come to my family.
I am restless. I see my siblings. I visit my parents. I congratulate those on their accoplishments, but I do not live. Living will only bring back pain. As I learned with the death of my siblings, you can only feel pain when you are alive.
Do I regret loving Jaina? No. I regret leaving at the end of the war. I truly believe I could have helped her. Now we will never know.
As I watch the fight, I pray that Jaina is not with them, though I know she is. She would never back away from something like this. I heard the words "Rogue Jedi" and I knew she was one of them. I cringe at each explosion I see, ours or theirs. When I learn of a captured Jedi, my hopes rise, only to fall when I learn the identity. I let him go at the end. I wouldn't dare harm one of her friends.
Jaina has asked to speak to me. I am hopeful, only to see the Jedi Zekk standing very closely to her. Something is between them, that much I know. What it is, I'm not sure. My darkest fear is that they are together. Jaina thanks me, but it is not her. Her and Zekk talk as though one. I know about the Joiners. Is it possible that my Jaina has become one? I look into those brandy brown eyes which I have so many times and there is something there that isn't her.
The woman speaking to me is not her.
This is not my Jaina.
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