"I watch the glass break around my guarded heart tonight
This ain't no mistake
You make my earth quake
You feel like thunder"
-Thunder, Jessie J
Preface: Thunder
As a child, I hated thunderstorms.
They were the worst thing my young mind fathomed I could ever experience. I despised how the sky became dark and low with ominous black clouds and how the wind would pick up, howling, like a wolf into the night, and shaking the walls of my home, as if some higher power were going to take that from me too. Of course, I was still innocent and naive. I didn't know yet the gnawing pain of an empty stomach, the grief of two absent parents, or the burden of survival.
All I knew was that thunderstorms were loud, scary, and they made Prim cry; even before she was mine to care for, I never wanted to hear Prim cry.
It is thundering now, but it doesn't affect us - not really. Both Gale and I had smelled the heady musk of an upcoming storm in the air and, had desperately shuffled toward shelter.
I listen as the rain lashed down, torrential, and unforgiving; loud, rolling ripples of lightning dance through the skies and the crack bounces off the wall of the cave we're squatting in, causing me to jump and clutch at my quiver on instinct.
I scowl at myself whenever I do this.
It grates on my nerves that here I am, no longer a child, yet I'm still afraid.
The difference is, it's not the thunderstorm that scares me now.
"Catnip quit your pouting, and get over here before that look on your face becomes permanent," Gale's words irk me even more, and my glare deepens. He sounds so frail, so weak, so small - qualities I've never associated with Gale Hawthorne in all my years of knowing him, but can't be denied now; there's such a strained quality to his voice that even I, master of denial and ignoring unpleasant things, can't deny.
The boom of thunder reverberates around us, reminding me exactly where I am.
I hate it.
"I thought you liked my face." I snark back, more harshly than intended. I can't bring myself to care, though.
Caring is what led to all this in the first place.
This is why I never wanted to fall in love.
Gale sighs, either not willing to argue or too tired to (probably both), and that upsets me more than the crack of thunder that used to haunt my dreams or the subtle yet unmistakable croak in the voice of the one person I always assumed to be invincible.
My partner, my best friend, the boy with snares, the man I would've spent the rest of my life with, has given up and he's not even trying to hide it.
There's a loaded silence where I marinate in my bitterness and allow the rage to crash over me like waves. I held onto to that anger, fanned the flames of my fury, hoping it would consume me and drown out all the other feelings.
Anger is manageable, helplessness is not.
Before the anger can take over me Gale cuts the silence, voice shocking me out of my morbid thoughts.
"You regret it," he whispers.
I whip around, finally turning to look at his massive frame spread eagle at the opposite corner of the cave. I carefully avoid looking at his clammy face and sunken cheeks.
"Regret what?" I ask, the sharpness present a moment ago replaced with genuine confusion - for the most part.
"Loving me," his voice sounds hollow, and my heart clenches. Shame washes over me, drowning out all my temper with it.
After all these years I still forget that Gale knows me better than anyone. He of all people would know where my thoughts were headed, no matter what state he's in.
"I know you wanted to avoid this. I know how much you tried to avoid relationships. Maybe you were right after all."
I unfold my legs and stand, turning from the mouth of the cave to walk carefully over to where Gale is laying. My steps are small and measured, stalling, because I know when I respond there's a good chance I'll hurt his feelings and, I don't want that.
I've never been good at talking or introspection. How do I explain that I could never regret loving him, but I knew that love always ended with pain, and that's why I'm angry.
How do I tell him that despite subjecting myself to this torture I would probably do it again? That's where my bitterness come's from, not him.
When I reach him I crumble to my knees, still avoiding his gaze, and allow my bow to clatter to the floor while I collect his calloused hands to bring them up to my lips in the way I know comforts him.
He radiates a warmth that isn't healthy, and the stickiness of his palms worries me, but the scent of leather, smoke, and pine immediately calms my rapid heart.
The smell is familiar; it's home.
Gale breathes my name out like a prayer - reverently and full of awe - sliding his hands from mine to the nape of my neck, pulling me down to rest our foreheads together. I keep my eyes shut and cup his jaw greedily, dipping lower to tenderly nuzzle my cheek against his, releasing an exhale that sounds distinctly like his name.
Gales whole body shivers.
"I wouldn't blame you if you did. Look where we are," he murmured, brushing the tip of his nose with mine, back and forth. It's my turn to shiver at his ministrations, feeling that type of hunger churn in my lower stomach.
It's the type of hunger that hints at a different type of need, the type of desire only Gale can satisfy. I peek up through my lashes, Seam grey meeting Seam grey and the mix of tenderness, love, and sadness that reflects back at me makes my lips part without permission and coaxes the raw truth from them.
"I don't regret it. I could never regret it. You're mine, and I'm yours and -, " my voice cracks pitifully but I keep going because I'm going to die as a pawn playing a game I don't understand, and loving the boy in my arms willing to die with me- for me- is the only thing I'm a hundred percent sure of. "I love you. I love you. You can't leave me. It's always been just you and me. You promised it'll always be you and me."
"Katniss," Gale groans deep in the back of his throat, and I lurch forward to swallow it - no more words.
His lips are cracked, they taste of sweat, desperation, and salt, but none of that matters, all I feel is the fire brewing in my chest and the delicious spark of desire lighting up my body.
His parted lips move insistently, sliding under mine with an intensity that has me clutching his cheeks and, mewling in pleasure as the smoothness of Gale's tongue swipes across my bottom lip before plunging into my mouth and swiping at every surface, robbing me of any breath I've ever taken or will ever take. When his mouth retreats - that's as much energy as he can spend on activities that aren't breathing - my tongue darts out to follow and I get one small lap at his lips before he lays his head back with a growl: eyes heavy-lidded, smouldering and dark like the coal our district is known for.
"I love you," he pants, hand moving from my neck so his thumb can brush my bottom lip, "me and you, okay? We're in this together like always, that hasn't changed."
He's wrong; everything has changed - we're in a cave, listening to the rain while all of Panem watches our most intimate, private moments, Gale is dying, and there's nothing I can do.
Everything's changed.
I open my mouth to tell him this when suddenly, over the heavens downpour and the clap of thunder, an announcement comes.
A/N: Another new story! I'm on a roll haha. Read, review and let me know how you like it!