Author's Note: I don't even know what this is. So... sorry? Inspired by various Saturday Night Live holiday sketches, none of which I own. Title taken from the Season's Greetings from SNL sketch that is mentioned in the fic.
"When you said that you wanted us to do something together tonight that had to wait until after Henry was put to bed, I wasn't expecting this," Regina says as she comes down into the basement to see Emma fiddling with the DVD system that's hooked up to the large home theatre screen.
"You were thinking I'd be wearing sexy Santa lingerie?" Emma smirks over her shoulder.
"Among other things."
"Maybe next year."
Regina lets out a sigh and drops down into one of the theatre seats. She really needs to get these taken out and just add more couches, but Emma is totally enamored that they have their very own movie theatre in the house, so she lets it remain as is.
"Okay." Emma grins triumphantly as the projector comes on. "Are you ready?"
Regina glances from Emma to the screen and back again. "What movie is it that you've picked for us to watch?"
"Uh, it's not a movie. Not really." Emma says.
Regina narrows her eyes. "You aren't going to be showing me pornography are you? Because while I understand that some people enjoy that sort of thing –"
Emma lets out a loud laugh. "Nope. No porn. Although the first sketch…" she shakes her head. "Nah. No porn."
"Sketch?" Regina frowns.
Emma hits a few buttons on the remote and sinks back into her chair, reaching over to grab Regina's hand. "Just watch."
The screen lights up with a crackling fire and then music begins to play. Emma mouths the words as a man begins to sing, but Regina doesn't notice, too busy staring at the screen in something that looks like horror each time Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg appear with gift boxes over their crotch singing about putting their dicks in a box.
At the end of the clip, Emma is clapping and Regina is shaking her head. She grabs the remote and pauses the DVD, turning to stare at Emma. "What was that?"
Emma's smile falters just a bit at Regina's tone. "Dick In A Box." She looks for any kind of recognition, but sees none. "Seriously? You've never seen or heard of it before? I mean, I know Storybrooke is kinda cut off from the outside world, but you guys still have cable and internet."
"I assure you that I have never seen such vulgarity before."
Emma blinks. "Okay. It – I mean – you get it was a joke, right? Like, that's the whole point of the sketch? To be a joke."
"No, I'm afraid I don't get it. I don't even understand what a sketch is."
"That's what they call them. The little… scenes they do on SNL. Although I guess this is really considered a digital short. But still."
"SNL?" Regina's nose wrinkles.
"Saturday Night Live." Emma clarifies. "Really? You've never heard of SNL?"
"Apparently not – and with good reason, I'd say."
"Okay, okay, so maybe that wasn't your best first exposure to the show, but I really think you'll like some of the other sketches, okay? Just watch." Emma takes the remote back, hitting play and grinning as another sketch comes on.
They make it through Martha Stewart's Topless Christmas Special and the Mark Jenson Family Christmas Special sketches before Regina grabs the remote and stops the DVD again.
"How can you find any of this humorous? A woman who isn't really Martha Stewart pretending to be her while walking around topless and a man vomiting on a turn table? This is your idea of a Christmas tradition?"
Emma deflates then, but quickly stands up and moves over to the DVD system to hide it. "Well, I mean, I didn't say it was a tradition, just something I thought we could do together tonight. I thought you'd like it. But it's not to your sense of humor obviously, so we don't have to watch any more." Emma pulls the DVD out of the player, shoving it back in the white sleeve and then turning to Regina was a painted on smile. "Besides, it's getting late, so we should probably get to bed. You said that Henry likes to get up super early on Christmas morning, so I should be well rested for that."
"Yes," Regina nods, tossing the remote aside and taking Emma's hand. "I think that's a much better idea."
Emma glances back at the DVD for a moment before following Regina up the stairs.
Regina wakes up shivering, cursing Emma silently for stealing all the covers. Through bleary eyes, she sees that her alarm clock reads three in the morning. She groans, reaching behind her and tugging the blankets, determined to snuggle back up and get at least three more hours in before Henry wakes them both.
She isn't met with the resistance she's expecting though. Instead, the covers come over to her easily, causing her to nearly fall off the bed. Turning over, she sees that Emma's side of the bed is empty.
She tries to swallow down her initial panic, her feeling that Emma has finally had enough of all of this domesticity and run. Instead, she climbs out of bed and moves over to the bathroom, only to find it empty. She moves out of the master bedroom and checks in on Henry, but he's still sound asleep and Emma is no where to be found.
She descends the stairs and that's when she hears it – voices coming from the den. She stops short in the doorway, taking in the sight before her. Emma is curled up with a blanket on the couch, the television and Christmas lights that she'd strung up around the windows giving off the only light in the room. They cast shadows and colors over Emma's face and her eyes glitter in the darkness as she laughs so hard she nearly cries at what is playing on the television.
It's a sight that captivates Regina. She's not sure that she's ever seen Emma quite so happy and carefree as she is in this moment, curled up and laughing at whatever it is she's watching. Her lips move, mouthing the words along with the characters and sometimes even speaking them aloud before dissolving into laughter again. Even in all the holiday preparations and celebrations, there's been a distance in Emma's eyes and smile. But not tonight. Tonight, she looks completely carefree.
"I can't wait to get my mouth around this ball." Emma chokes out, laughing.
"No one can resist my Schweddy Balls." She gasps a few moments later, tears streaming down her cheeks, unable to stop the laughter. She has to pause the DVD then to try and get herself under control.
Regina takes it as the perfect opportunity to announce her presence. "I'm beginning to wonder if I should be worried by your preoccupation with phalluses tonight."
Emma jumps at her voice, beginning to really choke on her laughter in her surprise. "Regina." She manages after she's gulped in a few breaths and calmed herself down a bit. "What are you doing up?"
"The better question, I'd think, is what you're doing up watching whatever this is at this hour?"
"Oh." Emma wipes at her eyes. "I couldn't sleep so I figured I'd just come down and watch the rest of my SNL DVD. Was I too loud? Did I wake you? I'm sorry."
"The cold woke me. You took all the warmth with you when you vacated the bed, it seems. I figured I should come check to see if you were alright." She doesn't say that she came to check if Emma was still in the house.
Emma nods knowingly anyway. "Still here." She smiles.
"And still watching this ridiculous show."
Emma shrugs then, pulling the blanket closer to her. It's a defense mechanism, Regina realizes, but she can't quite figure out what Emma is trying to defend herself from. "I guess it's just not Christmas until I see these. And I know you didn't like them, so I thought I could just watch them and then come back to bed."
Regina blinks at that, frowning as she tries to understand. She moves over and settles herself on the couch, wanting to reach out and pull Emma into her arms, but refraining. Instead, she looks back to the paused television screen. "This is Christmas for you? Songs about men gift wrapping their penises and sketches where men vomit singing Christmas carols and women make lewd comments about baked goods that can easily be misconstrued?" She just can't understand how any of this could put Emma in the holiday spirit.
"Yeah." Emma whispers, her eyes going back to the television. "I mean, I know that it's not exactly… wholesome but… I don't know. It makes me laugh. It always has. These sketches – Schweddy Balls and Motivational Santa and all the rest – they just always made me laugh, you know? And around the holidays, I needed that. It was what got me through. Everything else was so Hallmark-y, you know? It all depicted these perfect family Christmases. There's no place like home for the holidays. But I didn't have a home – not one that felt like a home anyway. And I didn't have a family. And it was just a constant reminder to me of how… different I was."
Regina feels tears welling in her eyes. Of course Christmas had been difficult for Emma growing up. How could she not have realized that? "Oh, Emma."
Emma looks over then, quickly shaking her head. "No. Don't. It's not – I'm not telling you this to upset you or make you feel bad. I'm just trying to explain why I love these sketches so much that I downloaded them and made a DVD for myself. I think it's because they were so screwed up. It was like this wonderful, funny reminder that the holidays didn't have to be picture perfect. Does that make sense?"
"Yes." Regina whispers, reaching over to tuck a strand of hair back behind her ear and to wipe away the tears from her cheeks. "I'm sorry that I reacted the way I did. I ridiculed this without realizing what it really meant to you."
"Don't be sorry. It's not for everyone. I know that."
"But it's important to you and I want you to have your traditions too, Emma."
"Maybe I'm ready for some new traditions, now that I actually have a family to do them with."
Regina leans closer and Emma shifts, adjusting the blanket so that it covers both of them. "I haven't seen you smile like this all season. I don't want to take that away from you. I want to share in it with you. I just… might need some time to get used to some of the humor."
Emma smiles then, the wide, unburdened one again. "I'd love that. And I think you'll really like this next sketch."
Regina looks slightly disbelieving, but she snuggles closer to Emma and nods after pressing a kiss to her neck. "Go on."
Emma presses play and Steve Martin appears on the screen, soft instrumental music playing behind him as he begins to speak. "If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be that all the children of the world could join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. If I had two wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace, and the second would be for $30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax free, in a Swiss bank account."
Regina finds herself chuckling at this, mostly, she thinks, because Emma is already beginning to vibrate with laughter herself, but also because it is rather funny. And as the wishes go on, she continues to laugh, because while they are vulgar too, there is something funny about them.
And then, as the sketch is drawing to a close, Emma pokes her in the side and grins. "This is it. You'll love it."
Regina looks to the television where Steve is rethinking the order of all his wishes. "Oh, wait, oh geez! I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell! That would be the fourth wish!"
That's when Regina finally loses it. She begins to laugh, really truly laugh, and Emma laughs right along with her, joy etched on her face. "I told you," she says between giggles and Regina just shakes her head.
When she finally stops laughing, the scene has changed to four men in sweaters, some of them holding instruments and beginning to sing and dance. Already she starts to chuckle at the ridiculousness of the movements they make. Emma sings along with them when they begin.
"I don't care what your Momma says
Christmas time is near
I don't care what your Daddy says
Christmas time is near
All I know is that Santa's sleigh
Is making its way to the USA"
Regina rolls her eyes. "This is ridiculous." She says, but it's obvious she's enjoying it.
"Just wait." Emma grins.
"I don't care what the mayor says," she sings, dropping a kiss to Regina's head.
"Christmas is full of cheer
I don't care if you think it's a lie
Christmas will soon be here
I don't care about the CIA
I don't care what the calendar say
I wish it was Christmas today
I wish it was Christmas today"
The song fades out, as does the DVD, apparently at its end. "Looks like you got your wish," Regina laughs then, "it is Christmas today."
"Yeah." Emma grins, hugging Regina tighter to her. "It is."