Title: Guilt Ridden
Fandom: NCIS
Author: Alidiabin
Words: 1,868
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Warnings/ Spoilers: 8x10
Parings: Ziva/OC
Summary: Ziva thinks about Christmas and family. Goes by the idea that 'R' is a romantic interest.

Guilt Ridden

In theory, how Ziva David spent the Christmas 2010 was perfect. She spent it skiing and staying in a rather expensive secular hotel, with her Miami man friend. She was after all a Jew, a bad one at that so in theory noone could blame her for choosing to spend it that way.

Still as she skied (well fell over, turns out she did not remember how to ski as well as she thought she did, as she had only been skiing once with her Uncle), she felt a surprising pang of guilt. The team, who she had long considered her family, had never left her out because she was Jewish. In fact on her first Christmas in DC Ducky had asked her if he needed to buy some special food, as he assumed she still followed Kosher. She had been surprised she was even invited, still the next day she turned up at Ducky's house with very last minute presents and a bottle of wine. The team then celebrated Hanukah a few days later before Abby's New Year costume party. She was enjoying her time with her friend but still missed her family.

It was while they were waiting to eat at the hotel restaurant on Christmas night that Ziva begun to feel really guilty. She looked around the hotel, one could easily forget it was Christmas in the hotel, and there were no decorations except for one winter wreath on the front doors. Classical music filled the lobby instead of carols. There were people from lots of different backgrounds at the hotel, mostly non-Christian ones, Ziva felt very strange being around so many Jews and not in Israel. While she waited and R ranted on about how cold it was, she begun to wonder what was happening back in DC, would McGee of accidentally put another place out for her, would Ducky have extra food, would there be an unwrapped present under the tree for her.

A couple in their late fifties were in front of them, their hands were intertwined but they both had different coloured wedding bands on, making Ziva wonder if they were having an affair,.. They were talking in a low voice. The woman turned away, obviously annoyed at her lover. She noticed Ziva's silver star of David.
"Did you two have a good Hanukah?" she asked as she pushed away her greying hair.
"I had a good Hanukah, he was in Miami" Ziva replied with what was technically the truth.
"Did you celebrate with family?" the woman asked. Her lover rolled his eyes.
"Jean stop pestering the poor thing" her boyfriend said.
"Shut up, Morty" Jean replied.
"Yes" Ziva said slightly unsure of herself, the team had celebrated with a dridel tournament, food and small gifts.

A member of the hotel staff announced that the restaurant was fully booked for the night, but room service was half price as a peace offering.
"Let's get room service then" R whispered into Ziva's ear. Ziva bit her lip; her feelings of guilt were replaced by nervousness.

She knew what he would start talking about. Sex. They had not had sex in Miami, Ziva explained as euphemistically as possible that she had been sexual assaulted and therefore did not jump into bed indiscriminately, she had expected R never to talk to her again, but he instead accepted it and told her that when she was ready he was ready. But Ziva knew, he had been waiting three months and deliberately gotten only one room. He had only gotten a make-out session the night before because they were tired from flying. She believed she was ready, but she had thought she was ready on their second to last night in Miami too, but that had ended with him getting a bruised chest and her screaming in the bathroom.

"The Santa Clause, Home Alone or It's A Wonderful Life" he said as he flicked through TV channels and she picked at her room service meal. The mention of It's A Wonderful Life turned her thoughts to Tony and his annual screening of the old James Capra movie.
"We do not have to watch a film" Ziva offered as a reply. She felt his eyes looking her up and down; she was in a low cut thermal undershirt and rather large black boylegs, not exactly the sexiest thing he had ever seen.
"I'm not pressuring you" he said as he wrapped his arms around her. Ziva looked up.
"I have thought about it a lot, and talked to the right people. I am not doing this on a whim" she said she looked at her clothes. "Or dressed like this" he laughed.

A couple of hours later after some enjoyable adult fun, she lay in his arms.
"You ok?" he asked as Ziva sighed. He paused for a second. "You don't regret the sex do you, did I hurt you"
"No, not at all the sex was good" Ziva replied, she had felt slightly nervous and their had been a few moments where she had wanted to stop, but according to her therapist, that was normal. "Very good" she added.
"You weren't lying when you said you were a screamer" he uttered. "Or that you liked it on top" Ziva smirked. "But something's up" he whispered. "I can tell"
"I feel guilty" Ziva said finally.
"About sex" he uttered in a confused tone. She turned over and the tan sheet fell a little revealing the scars from Salim on her inner thighs the reason she always wore a sarong in Miami and insisted on sex in low light.
"Not everything is about sex" she uttered, "I feel guilty about missing Christmas" he gave her another confused look; she took it as her cue to elaborate. "When I told the lady down stairs that I spent Hanukah with my family, I was not lying. Gibbs, Palmer, Ducky, Tony, Abby and McGee all came over on the night of Hanukah that fell on a Saturday, and we celebrated with a dridel tournament and food." He nodded and ran his fingers through Ziva's hair. "If they can make such an effort to be a part of my holidays and help me celebrate, I should be there with them when they celebrate theirs, they have always made me feel welcome" he kissed her forehead. "I do not regret spending it with you though"
"I'm sorry, I insisted on this. It's just I don't do family holidays" he said in a rather sad voice "maybe I could meet them all one day"
"Maybe" Ziva said as she kissed his bare chest. "But I do enjoy having you as my dirty little secret"

She woke up later than she expected and to an empty bed on Boxing Day.
"My love" she cried out in to the hotel suite but there was no response. "Sex god" she finally called hoping he would respond to that.
"That's my name don't wear it out" he replied as he came out of the lounge part of the suite with a laptop in hand.
"I thought we agreed no work" Ziva uttered as he walked into the bedroom.
"This isn't work" he said. He showed her the laptop, he was on the internet. She focused on the webpage.
"This is a flight booking for tomorrow. I thought we were staying for New Years" Ziva said, as she sat up.
"Work came up for me and you're missing them" he said. "I'd rather have three days with you and you be happy, than a week with you being miserable" Ziva smiled at him.
"You are sure" she uttered as she hugged him.
"Yeah" he said. "Now your people don't do anything for Valentines day do they?" Ziva shook her head. "Good" he said. "I was thinking New York for Valentines day" Ziva laughed.
"We will jump that bridge when we get to it, yes" she replied.
"Cross" he uttered in response. "Now speaking of jumping, I would like to jump on top of you" he moved the laptop and got on top of her.
"Well if you do that I am just going to have to kiss you" she replied as she leaned up and kissed him.

She kissed him the next day at the airport.
"I will call you at midnight on New Years" Ziva said. "You can kiss me through the phone"
"As you wish" he uttered. She gave him a final goodbye kiss.

She turned up at Gibbs house with a bag full of last minute gifts brought on her ski vacation. All of the team had gotten a text asking them to meet at Gibbs place.
"Ziva" McGee uttered as they all stood up in Gibbs lounge. "Aren't you supposed to be skiing?"
"I was" Ziva said. "Well I was falling over" she looked at them. "I'm sorry for missing Christmas" she pulled out her bag. "I have presents"
"My dear, you did not need to" Ducky said.
"We all celebrated Christmas separately this year" Abby said. "Palmer was with his embalmer, me and the Nuns had a good time, Gibbs went up to Stillwater"
"McGee hung out with the McSister" Tony said. Ziva looked up, had her absence stopped the 'family' Christmas all together.
"Ducky got a Christmas surprise from an old flame" Palmer said proudly. Ziva looked at Tony and felt very guilty he probably spent it alone and stewing in his own guilt over the Brenda Bitner incident.
"What is it they say better late than" Ziva paused.
"Pregnant" Palmer uttered. They burst out laughing.
"Never" Tony finally said.
"The turkey's still good" Gibbs said. Ducky and Ziva migrated to the kitchen in order to create something magical out of what was left in Gibbs pantry.

They sat in Gibbs dining room, laughing and joking. Ziva smiled at all of them, this belated Christmas felt right.
"My dear do you want to toast" Ducky suggested to Ziva.
"To family holidays" Ziva uttered as they all put their glasses out.
"And being later rather than never" Palmer said they looked at him. "I swear it sounded better in my head." Ducky began to tell the tale of former flame and Ziva discretely sent a text to a familiar number.

Thank you x

He replied not long after.

U know I'd do anything to see you
happy. Merry Xmas. xx

On New Years Eve, Ziva minaciously found a quiet spot in Abby's basement apartment and managed to avoid Abby's transsexual friend who always wanted to sing with Ziva, so she could call him.
"Hello Ziva" he uttered into the phone obviously having recognized Ziva's caller id.
"Hello" Ziva said as she heard him trying to find a quiet spot in a bar. "Thank you" she said even though she had thanked him countless times since she had gotten back.
"Wanna count down together" he said.
"5, 4, 3, 2, 1" they uttered in unison as the people around them counted down too.
"Happy New Year" she said. Abby found her hiding spot.
"You not what they say" Abby slurred having drunk to much champagne "Hos over bros" Ziva whispered goodbye and went to celebrate New Years with her family.

A/N: It seems pretty obvious that 'R' is a romantic interest for Ziva. I want him to be a nice guy, so I tried to make my version of R seem nice. I was not impressed that she chose to spend the holiday with him rather than the people she calls her family, especially as it seemed Gibbs had planned it out, with a Turkey and all. My muse was not impressed with most of 8x10.

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